Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML
Today, I took a nap while babysitting my neighbor's kids for the day. I was woken up by an obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair stuck down in his shorts, jumping around like a horse. Oh, and a semi-bald patch on the back of my head. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML
Today, I set my alarm to wake up early for work. It turns out I set it for PM instead of AM. I woke up to my boss calling me, asking if I was still alive. FML
Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML
Snapp...that hurts. 27... pull up your pants.
I agree her pants looks like they belong to her little sister