Sex

Really into it

Anonymous - 08/11/2023 22:00

Today, I was having sex with my partner and we got very into it. I went to wrap my hand around his neck and somehow accidentally poked my finger in his eye socket so hard he ended up in emergency. He still can’t see properly out of that eye now. FML

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Here's to another 20!

Roy - 08/11/2023 03:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, it’s been 20 years since my then girlfriend of 2 weeks fell asleep while I was going down on her. She claimed it was because she was so ‘relaxed’ with me. I married her anyway. Now, she’s still very, very ‘relaxed’ with me. FML

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No kinkshaming

FutureColombianTourist - 08/11/2023 04:00

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow job as we watched a show about Pablo Escobar. This girl wouldn’t put out on my birthday, but Pablo killing a guy in jail gets her going. FML

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Oddly specific question

Anonymous - 08/11/2023 06:00 - Japan - Osaka

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he’d love me if I were a worm. His answer involved chopping me in half and having a threesome. FML

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Learning curve

Anonymous - 05/11/2023 21:00

Today, I took my new boyfriend's virginity about 10 minutes ago. He kept whispering, "It’s inside you, it’s actually inside you… feels kind of sticky, slippery, it’s actually inside you I can’t believe it.” It was super off-putting and a bit creepy. And no, I definitely did not orgasm. FML

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Straight to jail

Miss bad decisions - 03/11/2023 22:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted having public sex. In desperation, I promised the officer he could fuck me if he let us go. Now I've got an extra charge and probably an ex-boyfriend. FML

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I hardly know you

Disgustedafffd - 02/11/2023 20:00

Today, I found out my husband’s obsession with Hentai. Dozens of pictures and videos of half-naked Japanese anime girls. The most horrifying thing was the fact that he’s actually in a sexual relationship with his secretary, who is a petite Asian girl. I’ve just given birth to our second child. FML

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Suspicious minds

Anonymous - 30/10/2023 16:00

Today, my girlfriend explained to me that when we have sex regularly, I'm in a noticeably better mood than when we don't have sex. Apparently, that means I'm immature, and she's questioning the value of our relationship. I thought it was normal for sex to make people happy. FML

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What's going on here?

Heartbroken - 30/10/2023 06:00

Today, I came home from work to hear loud moans coming from the room that my husband and I share. I barged in and both he and this girl are scrambling around the room. He’s a music teacher and claimed he was giving her vocal lessons. That would make more sense had they both not been half naked. FML

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Love and marriage

Anonymous - 29/10/2023 22:00

Today, literally the only thing that now motivates my husband to do anything is sex. Not food, money, humour, or anything. Once he’s had sex, he’ll do anything I ask him to for about 8 hours, then he turns back into a depressing, shiftless lump who either goes to work, sits in his chair, or sleeps. FML

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Another one bites the dust

Anonymous - 29/10/2023 04:00

Today, every guy I've dated in the last 5 years loses interest after we've had sex, no matter how long I wait. The worst part is none of them will tell me what's wrong with me, they all just act like everything is fine, whilst "phasing it out." FML

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This charming man

Anonymous - 28/10/2023 22:00

Today, I refused to have sex with my date, so he called me an Uber from the restaurant to just take me home. I didn’t realise until I got home it wasn’t even an Uber, just a standard taxi who required payment in either cash or debit card, and I had to pay before he’d let me out. FML

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Misguided

Anonymous - 27/10/2023 22:00

Today, my dad invited me to a bar that turned out to be a brothel, because “it’s pathetic that I’m still a virgin and it’s past time I just get it over with.” I’m not a virgin, I’ve just never been with a woman because I’m gay and still haven’t told my family. FML

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Fantasy

Anonymous - 26/10/2023 16:00

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to go crazy and get a short haircut, then dye it all pink. When we got home he wanted sex, and he'd bought me a military uniform to wear, which is when I realised he was trying to turn me into one of his anime girls FML

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Unappreciated

Viscerion - 26/10/2023 14:30 - Australia - Adelaide CBD

Today, I'm unloved by my partner. She has not made love with me for one and a half years. On our anniversary two years ago, she told me we had nothing to celebrate, that I had achieved nothing in more than a decade we have been together. I lost 25 kgs and got a new job earning around 80K a year. Still nothing. FML

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Totally worth it

FvckedUpNow - 25/10/2023 04:00

Today, I had the most amazing lesbian sex of my life with this girl I had been crushing on for so long. Today is also the day I became practically homeless, courtesy of my parents, who apparently never heard of knocking before entering. FML

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U wot m8?

Anonymous - 23/10/2023 11:00 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, my now ex-boyfriend said to me, “Who’s your daddy?” during the deed and it was so off-putting, I said my dad's actual name. FML

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Tempted?

Anonymous - 23/10/2023 00:02

Today, I found out that my prude wife, who has given up on anything remotely sexually exciting, has been researching swinger clubs. I found out when she “accidentally” texted me a Vice article on the subject. FML

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Bursting at the seams

Anonymous - 22/10/2023 07:30

Today, after I returned from business dinner at a hibachi restaurant, my wife decided she wanted sex for the first time in years on a weekday. We did it and I pooped a little on “our” stupid white comforter. FML

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The gift of insecurity

where’d she learn it? - 20/10/2023 15:02 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend gave me head for the first time. It was so good, I swear she sucked my soul into another dimension! I was snapped back to earth by the thought that no one sucks that good without years and years of practice. Now I can’t stop thinking about all the other dicks she’s sucked. FML

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Fake news

pig! - 20/10/2023 14:00

Today, I went out on a first date. He was funny, laidback, and handsome. We had an amazing time but I declined to go back to his house, not wanting to rush things. He said he understood and respected my choice. Later online he bragged about “banging some cheap slut for the price of a meal.” FML

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New sex tape just leaked

Anonymous - 18/10/2023 20:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years cheated on me when I saw a sex tape in which he was in. He claimed it was from before we met. I went to delete it and I clicked “info” by mistake and I ended up seeing the date it was filmed and even the location. I still haven’t told him I know. FML

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Braggadocious

krissy8799 - - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

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Surprise!

Michelle - 17/10/2023 23:00 - United States - Stormville

Today, the guy I was dating for over a year would only perform oral on me and never sex. I couldn’t figure out why. We grinded a few times. I got pregnant but couldn’t figure out how, because I didn’t have sex. Apparently his penis, hard, is the size of my pinkie. We were having sex, I just never felt it. FML

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Never cross that line

Anonymous - 17/10/2023 10:00

Today, my lesbian best friend told me she might be bi and wanted to try sex with a guy she trusts, AKA me. She eventually convinced me, but after we'd had 'weird best friend sex' she decided she’s a lesbian after all, and I “took advantage of her temporary confusion,” so we’re not friends anymore. WTF? FML

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Possessive

Anonymous - 15/10/2023 18:00

Today, my 13 year-old autistic step-son has been having a meltdown all afternoon and has attacked me three times. Why? He discovered me and his mother are having sex, you know, almost as if we were a married couple. He’s getting worse; no matter what we do, he is definitely getting worse. FML

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Classic move

Anon - 13/10/2023 04:00

Today, after being severely depressed for a week, I was having sex with my boyfriend when got so anxious that I threw up. FML

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Girls' trip!

solo - 12/10/2023 10:00

Today, I'm on a road trip with my girlfriends, and they're all telling each other stories about their sex lives. Me, as I'm a virgin, I'm writing this FML, bored to death due to not having anything to contribute to the conversation. FML

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Independance, now!

Kye Hooper - 12/10/2023 06:02 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out that my partner doesn't ever want sex from me again. I'm too broke to leave her, so I guess my sex life is over. FML

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What's worse?

Feeling unattractive - 11/10/2023 20:00

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating to pictures of Olivia Rodrigo on his computer. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he hasn’t made love to me in weeks because he “couldn’t get horny” or that he’s 38 and apparently sexually attracted to a teenybopper. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to, "Get a life. Or better pick-up lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

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Today, I was feeling depressed, so I decided to go snowboarding with friends to cheer myself up. I fell on the first trail and broke my dominant wrist. FML

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Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice. When their car pulled up, I jumped in. It was really quiet, so I looked up, only to find I had gotten in the wrong car. FML

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Today, I got a mass message on WhatsApp from my extended family about my cousin’s engagement. Trying to be funny, I replied, “Wow, can’t wait to see how long this one lasts.” I thought I was sending it to my brother. Only my brother. I sent it to the whole family group. Including my cousin. And her fiancé. FML

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