Kids

BrokeAF - 12/08/2018 08:30 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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Livingthedream - 12/08/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

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Why Charlie!? WHY!? - 09/08/2018 13:00

Today, I woke up seeing my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. My annual 2 weeks vacation starts today too. FML

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boopingsnoot - 08/08/2018 18:54

Today, I was entertaining my 12-year-old cousin in the yard when two of my cats chased down and killed a baby bunny right in front of us. FML

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boopingsnoot

boopingsnoot 24

Saturday 4 August 2018 18:34

So, the second half of the story: Cousin got the bunny away from the cats before it was completely dead, and when I couldn’t fix her “new pet” she wanted to sit and watch it die. And take it to another relative’s house and bury it in *their* yard. Took a while to convince her to leave it in a “safe place” (bushes where my cats like to hang out, so they could finish the job). Hey, saves me money on cat food.

angie24w - 07/08/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

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What?

Richard - 07/08/2018 18:30

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

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Brokeandangry - 06/08/2018 21:13

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

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SAM - 05/08/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

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Derek - 05/08/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my kids are both my half-brothers, and the fertility tests my wife had us do a few years ago showed that I'm sterile. She didn't tell me until I found the test results in her desk and asked her about it. FML

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Clumsy - 04/08/2018 15:00

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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Hunter Ferguson - 31/07/2018 13:00 - United States - Fort Washington

Today, I got grounded for 2 weeks for slapping my brother after he threw a baseball at my head and hit my shin with a bat. He’s in 9th grade and I'm in 8th. He got ice cream to "cheer him up". FML

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I can't stand leg puns - 30/07/2018 18:08 - United Kingdom - Feltham

Today, while I was out for a walk, a little boy asked if he could try on my prosthetic leg. Being as nice as possible, knowing that he probably didn't understand, I told him no. He screamed and his mum coldly told me I'm a terrible person and should have let him try it on. FML

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Thanks, but no thanks

hoping to live to see next year - 29/07/2018 15:00

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5 a.m. FML

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sniper foxeh - 29/07/2018 01:30

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

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TrappedInSchool - 28/07/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

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Out of the mouth of babes...

DEE - 26/07/2018 15:00

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

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Anonymous - 26/07/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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Sky - 25/07/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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cperagui - 19/07/2018 19:00

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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Happy birthday?

Not really - 19/07/2018 15:00

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he'd suspected it for years. FML

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Puggle1019 - 17/07/2018 20:30

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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TiredHomeowner - 16/07/2018 15:00

Today, I realised just how skewed my reality is when I was pleasantly surprised that teenagers threw eggs at my windows. They usually throw rocks. FML

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MerryChristmas - 15/07/2018 14:30 - United States - Moore

Today, I went to a Christmas-themed amusement park with my 21-year-old autistic sister who adores Christmas. She took her picture with Santa and started crying happy tears. Then Santa asked her loudly, "Aren't you beyond old enough to know I'm not real?" Vacation ruined. FML

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Cropped Out

steph - 15/07/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my cousins cropped me out of a picture of all six of us at a wedding, then captioned it, "We have such a good-looking family!" FML

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Anonymous - 14/07/2018 20:30

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

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Samantha Glennie - 13/07/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

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cat cat - 13/07/2018 01:30

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

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Eheath12Jheath14 - 12/07/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

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Forgotten Birthday Girl - 11/07/2018 20:30

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

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Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

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Today, I decided to quit dating. I'm a plus-sized girl and I can’t get a guy to save my life. On dating apps they run for the hills when they see my full body. I even tried dating plus-size guys and even they have standards. I fucking hate society’s “ideal” beauty norms. FML

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Today, I quit my job after being the only one to do my job, the boss's job, and the other guy’s job. Their way of saying thank you for being the best employee they'd had was to fuck me on my paycheque and give me $70 for a week's work. FML

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Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

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Today, it’s my second week at work. I received a phone call from corporate HQ that they wanted to make our monitors wireless, so they wanted me to cut the red wire from the main monitors. I did so, and my boss walks in, furious. Turns out it was a set up to see if I’m “that gullible.” Yes, I was fired. FML

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