Healthy Lifestyle

Sexy time

By Anonymous - 30/07/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 520

You deserved it 59 470

Cheer up sleepy dreams

By dead - 31/03/2021 23:00

Today, it’s been 6 months at my job and I still can’t get used to the morning shift. Even with a changed diet, exercise, meditation, and no caffeine after noon, I'm averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night. My body will always choose sleep deprivation over falling asleep at a reasonable time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 153

Weird logic

By can’t go vegan - 07/07/2023 03:00

Today, I actually overheard the sentence, “People who can’t go vegan for medical reasons should die gracefully rather than eat an animal.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 146

Portion control

By Anonymous - 13/04/2026 03:00 - United States - Fontana

Today, my wife refuses to acknowledge our kids’ weight problem. When I try, she claims bodyshaming. The last time we went to the park, one wouldn’t get off the bench, the other was too big for the slide, and our daughter got stuck in the swing. They were all so winded they couldn’t talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 113

I did warn you…

By sadmd - 29/04/2026 00:00 - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, my elderly patient accused me of not taking good care of her, because, during my time off, she was taken to the hospital for anemia. I tested her for anemia months ago and discussed it with her, and she'd told me that she didn't want to go to the hospital. Guess who everyone believes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 72

Push through the pain barrier

By Renee Simard - 18/09/2021 23:00

Today, despite being unable to stand for more than a few minutes at a time or walk farther than a few hundred feet, the doctor told me to begin doing 30 minutes of non-stop exercise everyday. He literally said, “Don’t stop for 30 minutes everyday.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 221

Source?

By Yudith - 11/03/2024 07:00 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I can't drink coffee anymore due to its turbo-diarrhea effect on me. I also have to take something with caffeine everyday or I will have a migraine, so I drink Diet Coke. Today, I saw on TV that even two cans of soda a week erase the heart health gains made during exercise. Goodbye, healthy hearth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 252

Dial it back

By Only me - 19/05/2025 15:00 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was trying to chat up a girl by showing off my new smartwatch. I proudly said, “It even reads my heartbeat!” It was 132 bpm. She looked at me and asked, “Are you OK? Or just incredibly out of shape from talking to me?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 491

Money, Ethan

By Anonymous - 27/06/2021 08:01

Today, I felt like working out again since it’s been a while. When I was done and talking to my wife about how good I felt afterwards, my 3 year-old came and patted my stomach and said, "Baby in there, baby in there." Yes, I feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 175

Letting yourself go

By Fat man pube - 29/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of isolating and shielding, suffering through the isolation of having caught COVID and letting my hygiene, diet and exercise programme go to shit, I can officially say my pubes are now longer than my penis, but it’s ok because my belly now hangs over my belt so I can’t even see it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 756

Hedging your bets

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I realized I've been avoiding a doctor's visit for issues, because it might be less painful to go out that way than to see how much more a crapshoot 2021 would be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 182

Love you too

By Blinken - 15/08/2025 08:00 - United States

Today, I visited my grandma like I do every other day to tell her that I love her, and to remind her that Bud Light and Marlboro Lights is NOT part and what her doctor meant when he placed her on a "light diet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 96

What's on the menu?

By Anonymous - 08/07/2024 05:00 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, my doctor wants me to avoid carbohydrates, proteins, and fats. Yes, I am looking for another doctor while I scratch my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 106

Who are these people ?

By ShelbyIsAwesome - 04/03/2021 17:01

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 144

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

By Anonymous - 14/05/2026 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my moms are driving me mad. My biological mom, a therapist, keeps telling me I need to try new things because life is short. My non-biological mom, a doctor, keeps telling me everything new I want to try has health risks that will shorten my life even further. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 72

The body keeps the score

By Dominik - 11/11/2022 10:00 - Netherlands

Today, I ate 30 chocolate pocket brownies, two caramel chocolates, two Budweisers. All of that while on my breaks at work. I'm a guy and I'm worried about getting diabetes while i'm actually craving more chocolate and sugar treats, my body is getting weaker, I'm getting dumber, fatter, and slower as we speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 1 222

Admit defeat

By Ugh his ego - 01/02/2025 17:00 - United States

Today, after months of health problems and my boyfriend offering unsolicited advice that mostly boiled down to "eat meat, take vitamins", I finally followed his suggestions to prove that he was wrong. It's a week later and I feel better than I have in years. He's never going to let this go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 795

Watch out!

By FlyLikeABird - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 921

You deserved it 4 461

Not the sharpest tool

By full'a'shit - 05/06/2025 17:00 - United States

Today, after days of constipation, I gave myself an enema to clear out the obstruction. My girlfriend has decided that I'm secretly gay and will not change her mind. She's already told her friends, who now want to take me shoe shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 513

You deserved it 103

Fresh and picky

By Anonymous - 04/09/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I was excited to go to my new girlfriend’s house for dinner. To my horror, everything was out of a box or a can; Hamburger Helper, canned vegetables, boxed mashed potatoes. When I said I was hoping for something fresher, she just stared at me and asked if i know how expensive groceries are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153

You deserved it 998

You tried

By abcdgaf - 10/04/2022 18:00

Today, I was told how cruel and selfish I am for rubbing my weight loss in my mom’s face. I’ve literally begged my mom to walk, jog, workout with me for months. She went exactly once. She complained the whole time, then called me a bitch for finishing my run while she sat in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 129

Betrayed

By Anonymous - 10/07/2025 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my husband never actually took our new healthy lifestyle seriously when his coworker told me that now, instead of at the house, he keeps beer and cigars at his brother's house, and visits the Burger King drive through every day for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382

You deserved it 230

Sticky

By Anonymous - 13/06/2025 23:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's been a few days since I had surgery, which means I can’t wash my hair myself for a couple of weeks. Today I paid to have it washed professionally… then proceeded to spill liquid glucose all over the ends of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 309

You deserved it 125

Stewart Lee has let himself go

By Anonymous - 26/06/2024 15:00 - Israel

Today, I noticed while sitting on my office chair, my belly is now large enough to touch my thighs. I'm not pregnant, I just ate my feelings for the past few years, and gained about 20kg in total. I've never felt so much self-loathing as I do right now, and I'm too ashamed to ask for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 296

First impressions

By Anonymous - 01/12/2024 15:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I joined a gym. I’m overweight and not very athletic, so I was nervous. I looked around and tried a treadmill. I start walking at a chill pace, then got ambitious and cranked it to a "light jog." Within seconds, I tripped, fell, and sent the emergency stop button flying across the room. The gym staff ran over and I swear someone said, “Well, at least he’s trying.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 136

Bodyshaming

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 77

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 19:59 - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, I got told I was too fat and needed to stop eating, because I need to lose weight. I was then given a full plate of food and had to eat it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 156

Biohazard

By Dev Engineer - 29/01/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom - Totteridge

Today, my roommate, who is 22 years-old, doesn't understand that the trash needs to be taken out. He just puts pizza and burger boxes on top and around the dustbin. Prior to moving in, his mom and sister emphasized on how "clean" he is. He never showers either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 95

Fitness

By Bece420 - 11/02/2019 12:00 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 487

Proof

By 30goingon13 - 23/10/2021 23:00

Today, my acne was so bad I got carded for a pack of lighters. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 117

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 029

You deserved it 19 544

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 756

You deserved it 59 974

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 273

You deserved it 3 585

Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 588

You deserved it 630

Today, a bee buzzed towards me, so I screamed and started frantically flailing and thrashing my arms, praying it wouldn't sting me. I threw my full cup of hot coffee in the face of the man next to me, and launched my laptop out of its bag and onto the pavement, where it broke in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 868

Today, it's been a while since I've been looking for a job. Too bad most companies are closing down and ordering people to work from home because of the Coronavirus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 936

You deserved it 222