What Type of Beer Are You?

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Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

By irishbubble - 4/6/2013 12:35 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

By lonelynessinCA - 14/3/2011 18:31 - United States

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Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML

By julieriis - 23/12/2015 18:03 - Denmark - Hals

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Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

By oh my soul - 14/3/2018 01:30

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Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

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Today, I got arrested for shoplifting. I don't know what's worse, that I stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk, or that I didn't have the dollar to pay for it. FML

By kb10 - 14/3/2011 07:32

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Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

By heartless - 11/3/2010 21:07 - United States

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Today, I had to call AAA for the fifth time in two months. When the driver got out, I instantly recognized him. It was the same guy who helped me out all the previous occasions. When he saw me, he snorted and doubled over laughing. FML

By big steve - 11/2/2012 18:35 - United States

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Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

By DL06 - 8/4/2009 07:19 - United States

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Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

By sharibaby - 30/4/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

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Today, I really had to pee at work and rushed to the urinal. I unzipped but couldn't find the hole in the front of my boxers and ended up pissing my pants. I had put my boxers on backwards. FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2018 01:30

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Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2019 02:33

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 07:47 - Venezuela

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Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

By fugly - 6/6/2015 00:44 - United States - Landenberg

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Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 21:32 - United States

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Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

By Neuronerd - 19/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Richmond

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Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML

By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 10:16 - United States

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Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

By Anonymous - 23/8/2011 05:39 - United States

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Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 19:38 - United States

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Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML

By mizzleshizzle - 9/3/2010 18:42 - Canada

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Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/3/2016 16:41 - United States - Augusta

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Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

By donnap - 9/6/2012 05:54 - United States - North Highlands

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Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

By not as easy as pie - 16/10/2015 16:03 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

By Addicted2FML303 - 6/12/2010 22:50 - United States

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Today, I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrives. As we were going at it, he shits on my white carpet. Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. FML

By jo - 20/2/2010 10:47 - United States

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Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2014 23:03 - Canada - Sackville

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Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 23:16 - United States

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Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

By ShadowJack - 29/4/2012 15:10 - United States

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Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

By tampondealer - 9/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

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Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

By clumsy - 10/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Stafford

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Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

By drreeeewwww - 25/11/2014 20:44 - United States - Salem

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Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

By Bookworm - 5/6/2013 17:02 - United Kingdom - Singapore

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Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML

By streaker? - 27/11/2015 14:21 - Germany - Langenhagen

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Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

By oops - 4/3/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

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Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

By ehcanadianeh - 13/12/2015 20:04 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

By Gretchen - 25/2/2011 01:56

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Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

By jessicab72 - 15/5/2014 20:38 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

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Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

By lizownsvirgy - 7/7/2011 19:49 - United States

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