What Type of Beer Are You?

31084

3497

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

49850

3580

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

By anonymous - Czech Republic

30597

1742

Today, I got called an "evil Nazi bitch" because I let a customer know that this is the last day our store will have free plastic bags. FML

By steppppphhhhhh - United States - Pacifica

37734

3472

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

By tee - United States - Kansas City

29223

1943

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

By alucas3 - United States

12291

1082

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

By BigBangrocksthenight - United States

34475

10424

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

By missedfistbump - United States

32544

8647

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

By HeIsKindaRightTho - United States - Houghton

33248

4903

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

By Broken - United States - Billerica

21415

1770

Today, while laying out, I kept feeling something misty, like a spray bottle. Curious as to what it was since it kept coming, I looked up, only to see the painters were peeing over the side of the house, and the heavy breeze was turning their piss into a refreshing mist for me. FML

By layout - United States

63773

4046

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

By asdfjkl - United States

38134

5635

Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML

By i love stupid people

1905

106

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML

By workaholic - United States

25175

2994

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

By wow - United States

35111

4492

Today, I was at my ex-girlfriends house, whom I still have a major crush on. After cuddling as we watched a movie, she began to show me several pictures she had taken on her cell, and asked which ones I liked the best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen, to a guy she had met a week ago. FML

By LAME - United States

41607

12314

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

By Anonymous

4700

223

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

By leogs23 - 26/1/2021 10:59

On the rocks

590

655

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

27178

10115

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I'm in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

By are you kidding me

5491

294

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

By Haitwun - United States - El Monte

36161

2901

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

By parenting_failure - France

51984

8716

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

58795

7729

Today, I found out that my ex let my son eat nothing but cereal and milk for every single meal during his five-day visit. Now my son shrieks, cries, and has a meltdown if I try to make him eat real food. My ex merely replied, "Your problem now." FML

By cereal mom

3900

404

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

By - United States - Floral Park

That could've happened to me

2306

390

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

By Anonymous - United States

13139

65016

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

By Jessica S. - United States - Louisville

25355

2009

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

By Stormy - United States

45942

13944

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

By Anonymous - United States

34044

6199

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

24384

2383

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

By disappointed - Canada - Waterloo

59863

6082

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

By h0308 - United Kingdom

40613

4577

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

By Dariya - United States

43615

4643

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

By TabbyCat87 - United States - Lamar

22514

1449

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37523

2629

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

By DDD - France

21300

66580

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

By anonymous

37764

3093

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

By Anonymous - United States

58016

7219

Today, I went on a date with a great vegan guy in my class. We went to a vegi-restaurant, I dutifully ate all the meatless dishes, but he seemed pissed about something, and other diners kept giving me angry looks. After we left, I realised I'd worn my leather jacket to the date. FML

By OmniVore - United Kingdom

14280

42651

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

By Screwed Up - United States

66307

4277