Weekend Bliss

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

Noise

The Summoner

Trust

By queenxalee - 11/11/2013 23:58 - United States - Orange

39011

4300

Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML

By ass slap - 11/8/2013 15:35 - United States - Broomall

67028

24686

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

By fuckcops - 13/6/2011 19:06 - United States

22730

29581

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

By max - 23/10/2014 23:30 - United States

42376

4370

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 15:26 - Australia

80566

8105

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2013 00:10 - United States - Charlotte

55669

4856

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

By psychopumpkin - 13/5/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

43067

7284

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

27042

3854

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 14:08 - United States

Wrong question

21563

48614

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

By AuntSucka - 8/11/2009 01:35 - United States

33363

3656

Today, after telling my mom that I'll be going to Las Vegas with my dad for my 21st birthday, she started ranting about how my dad always wanted to abort me and that she was the only one who actually wanted me. FML

By Dig4life - 5/6/2015 13:42 - United States - Kent

29660

2263

Today my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 20:00

Proactive

1914

247

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a "talent fee". FML

By nobody asked you! - 25/3/2019 21:00 - United States - New York

2473

175

Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML

By I'mSoHungry - 11/1/2020 08:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

I am very hungry

2227

173

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

By Staying Home Today - 4/3/2014 12:25 - United States - Severn

38856

3760

Today, I was dumped via text halfway through my 8-hour bar shift. I had to deal with my co-workers and customers asking me how my vacation with my now-ex was for the next 4 hours. FML

By brokenatthebar - 24/3/2017 09:00 - United States - Carleton

4669

292

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 22:50 - France

46957

3649

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 21:50 - United States

12156

96908

Today, I was mugged at gunpoint by a senior citizen. She now has a lousy $20, and I probably have PTSD. FML

By stillshakinggd - 28/11/2012 21:16 - United States

23342

2699

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

By mandy - 23/10/2009 00:40 - United States

26817

6671

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

By AdamFoundHisEve - 25/5/2010 19:08 - France

29602

7523

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 06:44 - New Zealand - Wellington

55600

6235

Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML

By PackingSpaceHeat - 11/10/2009 13:21 - United States

37243

3304

Today, trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. I found the treasure in my mouth. FML

By Porkchop05 - 6/9/2009 05:44 - Canada

51786

14646

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

By Teresa - 28/5/2010 04:30 - United States

9959

42571

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

By 918boyz - 4/2/2009 22:23 - United States

37704

2596

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

By Krystyn Gareau - 9/9/2011 04:10 - Canada

25022

13613

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:48 - United States - Gainesboro

38058

4878

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2019 22:15

Cheater

2566

149

Today, my Dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 05:50

51961

4164

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:58 - Finland

32333

5018

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

60583

10540

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

By bubbles - 5/9/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

13640

40922

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

1974

251

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

By whymegirl - 22/7/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

27926

8526

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

By Noname - 14/3/2009 01:06 - United States

16169

137961

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 09:07 - United States - Atwater

31118

2232

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

By kitkat - 17/9/2014 19:48 - United States

48234

4419

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 18:18 - United States

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