Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped...

By Egtat216 - 29/7/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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Miscellaneous

Ghosted

Insane parents

Headache

By nobodylovesme - 4/4/2013 06:46 - United States - Northridge

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

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By BriarFace - 29/3/2016 01:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

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By trying2breathe - 22/11/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 14:00

Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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By AidenFromSweden - 6/7/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

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By xricardo - 5/6/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

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By wifeofafainter - 24/9/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

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By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 06:02 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

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By coolcat10156 - 8/7/2015 07:04 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

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By Aspireworks - 29/1/2013 22:46 - United States

Today, my fiancé's mother came up to me and told me she loves that I stuck with my soon-to-be husband despite his history and condition. I have no idea what she's talking about, and she refuses to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 08:00

Stolen valor

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a picture a popular girl I don't talk to had posted of her fake ID. She had used my full name and identical signature. FML

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By pussyOUT - 1/9/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By bloodyLIP - 14/5/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

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By Van - 7/12/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I took a hot plate out of the oven with my fancy silicone oven mitt. Seconds after carefully placing it on the cook top, I picked it up with my left, unprotected hand. FML

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By emilyparra1 - 23/10/2012 07:54 - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I'm walking into the office, the manager says, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

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By uuuuugh - 21/1/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By Trapped - 10/6/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

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By unknown - 13/12/2011 02:04 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML

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By ana9 - 12/1/2009 15:56 - France

Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML

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By DexiCola - 11/8/2016 17:02 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

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By knee2tak - 14/3/2009 09:46 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend "we need to talk". He said "i know". So we met after school, and he said he was ok with me breaking up with him, that he wasn't that into me either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML

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By huh - 2/6/2012 20:31 - United Kingdom - Troon

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML

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By thisiswhyimsingle - 14/9/2015 05:17 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 19:29 - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By naps aren't what they used to be - 27/4/2013 22:05 - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

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By sarabalism - 17/12/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML

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By NotSoFunnyNow - 27/11/2017 15:00

Today, I tried to get a funny reaction from my dogs with a fart, like I saw in a YouTube video. I shat my pants and the dogs didn't even notice. FML

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By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By Stargirl - 28/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

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By dizzy - 7/3/2011 07:28 - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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By Mac - 16/9/2009 17:05 - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By longtrip - 18/1/2010 00:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I drove 4 hours to see my girlfriend of a year, as she had asked me to stay with her for a few days. When I arrived she told me she wanted to be friends as she liked someone else, but wanted me to stay the few days so we could work on being friends. FML

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By TheKingDavis - 14/2/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - 24/12/2016 20:14 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By stoprubbingitinmyface - 21/3/2015 21:59 - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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By Poolfool - 3/10/2018 13:30

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2012 01:37 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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Top comments

By anthonydpalm | 18

#6661356 - Saturday 30 July 2016 15:56

Chin up OP. Maybe when you tell her that you play guitar, she'll be impressed and you'll get to play for her on your second date!

By Elban | 20

#6661355 - Saturday 30 July 2016 15:55

If you can play the guitar at least decently for her she might understand and appreciate the sacrifices you sometimes have to make.

COMMENTS

By Elban | 20

#6661355 - Saturday 30 July 2016 15:55

If you can play the guitar at least decently for her she might understand and appreciate the sacrifices you sometimes have to make.

By anthonydpalm | 18

#6661356 - Saturday 30 July 2016 15:56

Chin up OP. Maybe when you tell her that you play guitar, she'll be impressed and you'll get to play for her on your second date!

justplainawkwrd | 22

#6661764 - Sunday 31 July 2016 3:41

or she'll think he really can't play, given OP's current state...

By neuronerd | 28

#6661357 - Saturday 30 July 2016 15:56

Just explain what happened. If she truly is the girl of your dreams, she'll be understanding. I know having that happen can hurt your confidence a bit, though.

By xxjeramiahxx | 18

#6661358 - Saturday 30 July 2016 15:58

Tell her you got it from Vietnam.

Colon_Man | 17

#6661448 - Saturday 30 July 2016 18:29

"You're too young to have been in the Vietnam War."
"What? A guy can't go on vacation?"

By mezochan | 29

#6661360 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:01

You could just explain what happened and get some sympathy points. Or tell her you got into an epic battle! "If you think this is bad, you should see the ninjas!"

Elban | 20

#6661437 - Saturday 30 July 2016 18:20

Hell yeah! Tell her how hard you trained and learned all the sick ass kicking moves watching kung-fu panda.

By Nickimariek | 20

#6661362 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:01

Well... girls love musicians... lol just tell her what happened so she can laugh because I know I'd laugh...

By astrodick | 15

#6661365 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:04

Tell her you had a accident and reschedule with her

SnailMail | 12

#6661382 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:44

Never reschedule a first date. Bad impression

By chuka81 | 27

#6661370 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:10

I know there are girls out there who are into pirates. Just get yourself a parrot and maybe a hook for good measure.

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6661435 - Saturday 30 July 2016 18:17

he could use the gem of a pickup line "If you were a pirate, would you want your parrot on this shoulder" <touches date's shoulder> "or this shoulder?" <touches the other shoulder so you get your arm around them>

sparkledoge | 29

#6661549 - Saturday 30 July 2016 20:41

Aye matey i like me lads with eyepatches and scars yo ho !

...If ya looking for me, i be sailing out the door.

BodyElectric | 18

#6661595 - Saturday 30 July 2016 22:04

I don't know why people are thumbing you down; I happen to get a kick out of terrible pick-up lines. You just have to do them right (intentionally cheesy, not dumb and sleazy).

By kusje | 29

#6661372 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:14

And you have a good conversation starter

By JMichael | 25

#6661376 - Saturday 30 July 2016 16:21

I haven't had one hit me in the face yet, but I've broken several strings tuning my guitars..lesson I've learned: always buy more than one pack of strings at a time!

Bearsmomma | 30

#6661421 - Saturday 30 July 2016 18:00

Not helpful in OP'S situation/current FML.