Love: Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend... - FML

By notagoodsign - 28/02/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 634

You deserved it 9 309

Stop talking!

Walk on the wild side

You tried

By haunted - 24/11/2011 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 537

You deserved it 4 807

By That'sMyBoy - 28/05/2017 00:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I put glue traps around my home to catch spiders. So far, the only thing dumb enough to get caught in one is my 10-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 904

You deserved it 713

By haha247 - 14/08/2009 14:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 153

You deserved it 3 909

By ko - 03/01/2015 17:53

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd come over and help me move a heavy dresser so I could paint the wall behind it. After an hour of waiting for him, I decided to move it myself. He finally arrived, not ten minutes after I broke my toe when I accidentally dropped the dresser on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 032

You deserved it 9 652

By Anonymous - 12/04/2012 04:18 - United States - Burnsville

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "sex". My son is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 249

You deserved it 4 214

By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 975

You deserved it 6 204

By shastadoe - 06/08/2012 06:37 - United States - Los Banos

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 516

You deserved it 5 833

By Anonymous - 18/02/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, it's been one week since my demented grandma babysat my five-year-old daughter while my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. Now she's taken to screaming and calling me a "damn commie" whenever I discipline or say no to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 553

You deserved it 5 824

By biggmouth - 26/03/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 325

You deserved it 119 560

By anna - 31/10/2013 18:27 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 302

You deserved it 9 704

By nehadrihan - 21/03/2014 03:04 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 032

You deserved it 3 367

By annon - 11/02/2012 06:23 - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 388

You deserved it 3 357

By Telemarket - 04/04/2012 10:58 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 413

You deserved it 2 239

By anon - 31/05/2012 13:43 - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 438

You deserved it 4 435

They Do.

By Anonymous - 24/07/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 1 015

By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 970

You deserved it 4 974

By Humiliated - 14/09/2009 12:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 782

You deserved it 5 344

By notanazigrandchildafterall - 21/09/2015 11:32 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 695

You deserved it 1 723

By Anonymous - 06/11/2015 23:22 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 949

You deserved it 1 419

By bertiebeth - 02/08/2014 05:35 - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 700

You deserved it 4 013

By atleasthelocalsarenice - 04/03/2017 12:00

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 339

You deserved it 577

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 02:02

Today, I brought my girlfriend flowers. All she managed to do was to say it’s been a year since you brought me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 299

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

By Fitz - 09/09/2021 22:59

Today, I finally read an email I'd been avoiding. I thought it would be from my dad whom I haven't spoken to in years, and that he was checking on me during the pandemic. It turned out to be spam. The last contact I had with anyone related to my dad was one of his ex's friends, saying she was in jail and needed help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 05/10/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, a woman somehow managed to drop her wedding ring into the garbage at the fast food place where I work. I had to search through a full bag of half eaten food and soda to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 257

You deserved it 2 719

By Prodigy - 11/02/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 179

You deserved it 7 901

By Miki13 - 11/11/2012 20:27 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 858

You deserved it 1 706

All that time I'm never getting back

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 851

By jordyn173 - 08/04/2012 03:19 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 599

You deserved it 3 576

By ClutchJunkie - 05/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 067

You deserved it 1 180

By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 279

You deserved it 1 924

Left behind

By Anonymous - 01/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, it was my best friend's birthday party. Her boyfriend and I agreed to organize a dinner date to surprise her and celebrate. They celebrated, but forgot me until they arrived at the restaurant and saw the dinner reservation under my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 21/03/2009 19:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 050

You deserved it 22 738

By unluckycounsellor - 30/06/2009 23:26 - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 711

You deserved it 4 808

By Dummy - 21/11/2017 05:00

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 423

You deserved it 1 089

You'll get some eventually

By Anonymous - 08/05/2021 10:59 - China

Spicy

Today, my mom woke me up from a wet dream, because I was moaning too loudly. I'm a 32 year-old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 333

By angelisa - 21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 558

You deserved it 3 893

By Failure - 09/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 008

You deserved it 3 463

By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 183

You deserved it 381

Headshot

By home owner - 20/08/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower for the first time in my new apartment. The shower head broke off the wall and slammed onto my head, while spraying water everywhere. I tried to stop the water, but only stopped the cold and got burnt by the hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 655

You deserved it 3 348

Weddings blow

By Anonymous - 20/05/2021 19:59 - United States - Bergenfield

Today, I missed going to my boyfriend's stepsister's wedding. I would have been meeting my boyfriend's mom for the first time; now she doesn't like me. She figured I could just "tough it out". I have a chronic health condition and haven't been able to eat or get out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 67

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Top comments

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:08

That's what happens when you're a bitch.

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:28

OP: I love you! Boyfriend: *scratches OP's ears* Such a good girl! OP: What the fuck are you doing? Boyfriend: *hits OP's nose with newspaper* Bad girl! Bad girl! OP: Ooh yes, tell me I'm a bad girl!

Comments

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:07

Maybe you're kinda mean...

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:08

That's what happens when you're a bitch.

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Monday 28 February 2011 17:24

^thats what i was gunna say

cockoftherock 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 17:41

clever ;)

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:42

I see what you did there;)

clarissa_Gyall 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 17:38

lmao true so true

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Tuesday 1 November 2011 23:31

how do you know???!?

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:09

So...you're a bitch? :D EDIT: DAMMIT! Too late with the joke.

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Monday 28 February 2011 19:29

good1 lyk ur comment

Bedul 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:09

like sheldon does with penny in TBBT?

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Monday 28 February 2011 18:19

hahaha well he just gives her chocolate I guess it's kinda the same :P

BigDirtySteez 1

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:15

lol, does it work?

Thabb 0

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:18

That's what I was about to say

CCCOMBOBREAKER 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:26

CH! CH! Down Fifi!

Rowdey 10

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Sunday 3 June 2012 22:49

No! No! Off the couch!

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:27

isn't that show on the national geographic channel?

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Monday 28 February 2011 22:26

My thought exactly. I call fake.

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:46

i believe it is. fake? 0_o or maybe its on different channels in different places. either way OP is a bitch who needs to learn to lay down on command, speak when provoked, and to pant when the exercise is finished. "good girl! No girl, you dont get another bone(er) till' later!"

evanedwards85 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 18:38

no its not

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:27

My thoughts exactly.

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:28

OP: I love you! Boyfriend: *scratches OP's ears* Such a good girl! OP: What the fuck are you doing? Boyfriend: *hits OP's nose with newspaper* Bad girl! Bad girl! OP: Ooh yes, tell me I'm a bad girl!

Acousticpixie14 6

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:32

Doc, your comments always brighten my day. Thank you!

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Monday 28 February 2011 17:34

Hahahahahaaaaa!!! That was hilarious!

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Monday 28 February 2011 18:22

Not that funny this time.. Plus, that's not how Cesar handles his bitches!

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 3:26

Lolz hidan itachi ftw and LOL he prolly has a dog fetish or some bs

MisterMuffinz 13

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:45

XD OMG WIN

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Friday 27 May 2011 21:47

Lmaooo :p

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Monday 28 February 2011 16:30

Dam girl

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 284