Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend... - FML

By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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Understandable

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Deep-seated resentment

By downgirl - 4/11/2015 06:02 - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:01

They're everywhere

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 14:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2015 18:36 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

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By Nick M - 19/12/2016 17:49

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

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By AznKoreanGuy - 4/3/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 13:00

Yelp

Today, I was fired from my job as a waitress, all because someone complained there was too much seasoning in their food. As I said, I'm a waitress. This happened the same week I was hired. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By needabettermirror - 14/12/2016 11:07 - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By madelynn - 31/1/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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By failure - 22/9/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By blahhhh - 9/4/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

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By funkyhed84 - 31/5/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

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By hackshack - 8/6/2012 19:45 - Brazil - Porto Alegre

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML

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By - 7/2/2020 18:00

Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By crappygirlfriend - 10/1/2010 07:59 - United States

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

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By loner - 14/11/2014 23:12 - United States - Madison

Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML

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By Not Engaged - 6/3/2015 23:30 - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

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By MoveOn! - 25/1/2017 20:00

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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By yayme. - 11/7/2013 22:26 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By emmingle - 13/5/2013 23:05 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 07:54 - South Africa

Today, my fiancé spent three hours arguing with his mom about how Scientology is a cult followed by simple-minded asshats; she shouted at him saying Xenu will come and fuck his shit up for not believing. This woman is going to be my children's grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2018 01:30

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my bosses van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

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By Mikimiks93 - 2/7/2010 15:05 - South Africa

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

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By HungryStudent - 20/8/2014 18:59 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By jeph23 - 11/9/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year old from school, he says, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me! I get home, look up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in Jr. High. FML

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By santasadiekins - 17/8/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By no car - 4/8/2020 17:04

Car Wars

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

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By Mallory - 27/11/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

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By harry - 4/12/2009 05:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

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By marie12 - 27/3/2011 01:19 - Belgium

Today, I decided to have dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

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By ouch - 15/6/2013 04:48 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML

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By Sam - 19/8/2018 22:00

Today, my 5-year-old daughter innocently asked a lady how much money she makes. In response, the lady bent down and slapped my daughter so hard she fell on her butt and cried. Then she slapped me for "not raising her right". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2012 20:56 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

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Top comments

By illmatic2 | 16

#2133242 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:08

That's what happens when you're a bitch.

By DocBastard | 38

#2133305 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:28

OP: I love you!
Boyfriend: *scratches OP's ears* Such a good girl!
OP: What the fuck are you doing?
Boyfriend: *hits OP's nose with newspaper* Bad girl! Bad girl!
OP: Ooh yes, tell me I'm a bad girl!

COMMENTS

By MsBumblebee | 0

#2133240 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:07

Maybe you're kinda mean...

By illmatic2 | 16

#2133242 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:08

That's what happens when you're a bitch.

Reply

imcutefml | 0

#2133485 - Monday 28 February 2011 17:24

^thats what i was gunna say

Reply

cockoftherock | 0

#2133514 - Monday 28 February 2011 17:41

clever ;)

Reply

korsountseva | 0

#2135504 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:42

I see what you did there;)

Reply

clarissa_Gyall | 0

#2146617 - Thursday 3 March 2011 17:38

lmao true so true

Reply

gaysunshine | 8

#3527008 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 23:31

how do you know???!?

By sublime420 | 11

#2133248 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:09

So...you're a bitch? :D
EDIT: DAMMIT! Too late with the joke.

Reply

hanuman_fml | 0

#2133830 - Monday 28 February 2011 19:29

good1 lyk ur comment

By Bedul | 0

#2133249 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:09

like sheldon does with penny in TBBT?

Reply

ChibiGirl5 | 0

#2133603 - Monday 28 February 2011 18:19

hahaha well he just gives her chocolate I guess it's kinda the same :P

By BigDirtySteez | 1

#2133264 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:15

lol, does it work?

Reply

Thabb | 0

#2135342 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:18

That's what I was about to say

By CCCOMBOBREAKER | 0

#2133297 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:26

CH! CH! Down Fifi!

Reply

Rowdey | 10

#4518197 - Sunday 3 June 2012 22:49

No! No! Off the couch!

By yellowfeet | 0

#2133299 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:27

isn't that show on the national geographic channel?

Reply

TheZarola | 10

#2134318 - Monday 28 February 2011 22:26

My thought exactly.
I call fake.

Reply

Asario | 0

#2135413 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:46

i believe it is. fake? 0_o or maybe its on different channels in different places. either way OP is a bitch who needs to learn to lay down on command, speak when provoked, and to pant when the exercise is finished. "good girl! No girl, you dont get another bone(er) till' later!"

Reply

evanedwards85 | 6

#3234243 - Sunday 4 September 2011 18:38

no its not

By KlaLynn | 3

#2133303 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:27

My thoughts exactly.

By DocBastard | 38

#2133305 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:28

OP: I love you!
Boyfriend: *scratches OP's ears* Such a good girl!
OP: What the fuck are you doing?
Boyfriend: *hits OP's nose with newspaper* Bad girl! Bad girl!
OP: Ooh yes, tell me I'm a bad girl!

Reply

Acousticpixie14 | 6

#2133316 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:32

Doc, your comments always brighten my day.
Thank you!

Reply

Hidan_fml | 0

#2133507 - Monday 28 February 2011 17:34

Hahahahahaaaaa!!! That was hilarious!

Reply

SeaChicken | 0

#2133611 - Monday 28 February 2011 18:22

Not that funny this time..
Plus, that's not how Cesar handles his bitches!

Reply

Alex94xela | 0

#2135029 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 3:26

Lolz hidan itachi ftw and LOL
he prolly has a dog fetish or some bs

Reply

MisterMuffinz | 13

#2135410 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:45

XD OMG WIN

Reply

1molinamatt | 5

#2575051 - Friday 27 May 2011 21:47

Lmaooo :p

By iemislayer | 10

#2133310 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:30

Dam girl