Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend... - FML

By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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Long story short

By traumatized4life - 4/11/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

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By goodbye sweet internet - 6/7/2013 18:23 - Greece - Athens

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

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By caisse à outs - 23/9/2015 01:06 - France - Saint Quentin

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 03:44 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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By Luckless - 23/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm preparing my defense for allegedly stalking someone at work. The best part, I have absolutely no clue who it is. Now my skin is crawling as I go through all the messages and in person events that occurred with my actual twice-my-age stalker to show my boss what a real stalker does. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - 12/3/2019 05:00 - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By Groom - 30/11/2008 10:51 - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By ari - 27/7/2019 20:00

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 17:39 - Qatar - Doha

Today, my boss' incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2013 10:51 - United States - Irvine

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

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By HarleyGirl - 25/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

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By Steph - 21/6/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By JustMyLuck - 6/9/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. As a natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML

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By ConstructionLady - 13/11/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

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By Tom - 15/6/2009 10:07 - Israel

Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML

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By tatortot7707 - 13/1/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML

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By Childhood - 12/12/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I was accepted to college and received a scholarship equal to almost half the tuition. After sharing this news with my parents, I spent the next 35 minutes getting yelled at about how I wasn't allowed to go there because my boyfriend might go there. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2020 17:00

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 04:47 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

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By GrossLump - 27/5/2019 16:09

Today, I was swimming at the beach. At the end of the day, I felt a huge hard lump in between my toes. When I looked closer and pushed on it, it sounded and felt exactly like a bean bag. I had a blister from the day before and it had filled with sand. I had to cut it open to pour the sand out. FML

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By ZThirteen - 25/10/2009 10:08 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few weeks back, rendering it useless. My father, a former mechanic, decided it's not worth the trouble of going in and fixing it. "Just keep with traffic when you're on the highway; you'll be fine." This $150 fee says otherwise. FML

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By justnance - 22/12/2011 18:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 22:59 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 16:00

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

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By I hear everything... - 22/4/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

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By waternixie - 8/10/2014 03:49 - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 09:01 - Singapore

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

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By Cop-er-Pot - 16/10/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 05:05 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By Kristache - 2/7/2009 08:31 - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By neelloc83 - 2/3/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

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By NothowIimaginedmyday - 3/10/2015 04:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

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By Yohm - 6/11/2008 09:41 - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

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By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 11:35 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By nick - 18/5/2012 07:22 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML

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Top comments

By illmatic2 | 16

#2133242 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:08

That's what happens when you're a bitch.

By DocBastard | 38

#2133305 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:28

OP: I love you!
Boyfriend: *scratches OP's ears* Such a good girl!
OP: What the fuck are you doing?
Boyfriend: *hits OP's nose with newspaper* Bad girl! Bad girl!
OP: Ooh yes, tell me I'm a bad girl!

Comments

By MsBumblebee | 0

#2133240 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:07

Maybe you're kinda mean...

By illmatic2 | 16

#2133242 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:08

That's what happens when you're a bitch.

Reply

imcutefml | 0

#2133485 - Monday 28 February 2011 17:24

^thats what i was gunna say

Reply

cockoftherock | 0

#2133514 - Monday 28 February 2011 17:41

clever ;)

Reply

korsountseva | 0

#2135504 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:42

I see what you did there;)

Reply

clarissa_Gyall | 0

#2146617 - Thursday 3 March 2011 17:38

lmao true so true

Reply

gaysunshine | 8

#3527008 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 23:31

how do you know???!?

By sublime420 | 11

#2133248 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:09

So...you're a bitch? :D
EDIT: DAMMIT! Too late with the joke.

Reply

hanuman_fml | 0

#2133830 - Monday 28 February 2011 19:29

good1 lyk ur comment

By Bedul | 0

#2133249 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:09

like sheldon does with penny in TBBT?

Reply

ChibiGirl5 | 0

#2133603 - Monday 28 February 2011 18:19

hahaha well he just gives her chocolate I guess it's kinda the same :P

By BigDirtySteez | 1

#2133264 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:15

lol, does it work?

Reply

Thabb | 0

#2135342 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:18

That's what I was about to say

By CCCOMBOBREAKER | 0

#2133297 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:26

CH! CH! Down Fifi!

Reply

Rowdey | 10

#4518197 - Sunday 3 June 2012 22:49

No! No! Off the couch!

By yellowfeet | 0

#2133299 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:27

isn't that show on the national geographic channel?

Reply

TheZarola | 10

#2134318 - Monday 28 February 2011 22:26

My thought exactly.
I call fake.

Reply

Asario | 0

#2135413 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:46

i believe it is. fake? 0_o or maybe its on different channels in different places. either way OP is a bitch who needs to learn to lay down on command, speak when provoked, and to pant when the exercise is finished. "good girl! No girl, you dont get another bone(er) till' later!"

Reply

evanedwards85 | 6

#3234243 - Sunday 4 September 2011 18:38

no its not

By KlaLynn | 3

#2133303 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:27

My thoughts exactly.

By DocBastard | 38

#2133305 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:28

OP: I love you!
Boyfriend: *scratches OP's ears* Such a good girl!
OP: What the fuck are you doing?
Boyfriend: *hits OP's nose with newspaper* Bad girl! Bad girl!
OP: Ooh yes, tell me I'm a bad girl!

Reply

Acousticpixie14 | 6

#2133316 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:32

Doc, your comments always brighten my day.
Thank you!

Reply

Hidan_fml | 0

#2133507 - Monday 28 February 2011 17:34

Hahahahahaaaaa!!! That was hilarious!

Reply

SeaChicken | 0

#2133611 - Monday 28 February 2011 18:22

Not that funny this time..
Plus, that's not how Cesar handles his bitches!

Reply

Alex94xela | 0

#2135029 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 3:26

Lolz hidan itachi ftw and LOL
he prolly has a dog fetish or some bs

Reply

MisterMuffinz | 13

#2135410 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:45

XD OMG WIN

Reply

1molinamatt | 5

#2575051 - Friday 27 May 2011 21:47

Lmaooo :p

By iemislayer | 10

#2133310 - Monday 28 February 2011 16:30

Dam girl