Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend...

By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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Love

Time don't heal nothing

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Vultures

By Anonymous - 15/8/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

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By uhoh - 16/2/2013 05:27 - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML

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By batman - 4/7/2020 02:02

How do magnets work?

Today, I found out I was qualified to go to a magnet school. My mom threw the papers away, claiming she thinks I shouldn't be with "rich and snobby" people. She grew up as a rich snob and has a fortune waiting for her when her parents die, and she brags about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 09:36 - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

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By Rabite - 13/9/2016 11:22 - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

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By Broken - 29/6/2018 19:00

Today, the ex of my boyfriend of 18 months called me and put her phone in her purse. I heard my boyfriend say he's sick of me, he hasn't been happy for a year, and he's afraid to leave because he feels sorry for me. He bought her a ring. I got earrings. FML

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By Odds in my favour - 14/3/2018 15:00

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By dasteve - 29/11/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I won $20 on a scratch ticket my grandma bought me. She wants it back. FML

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By ShandiPandiDerp - 20/5/2016 12:12 - United States

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 05:03 - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I went to run outside, only to smack straight into our sliding glass door. Just a few hours beforehand, my mom put up a strip of colored tape to stop this from happening. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 12:28 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

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By danggit3290 - 3/5/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

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By SelfServiced - 3/11/2014 01:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML

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By lameows - 4/4/2015 01:57 - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - 18/8/2013 17:29 - United States - Kalispell

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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By looz - 29/12/2009 07:21 - France

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

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By Rosie - 13/6/2012 16:07 - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

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By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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By CallmeEddie - 14/11/2013 16:44 - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By bluewatersify - 18/1/2010 14:23 - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By Anna L. - 25/3/2013 00:23 - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 21:55 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By FMyLife5915 - 4/9/2010 04:15

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 19:18 - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

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By Jem - 11/1/2015 03:02 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML

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By Hatemyjobbb - 1/5/2018 19:00

Today, my boss had me walk a mile to the nearest store to get food for a party because she didn't want to lose her parking space at work. Her shopping list had two gallons of juice and a 10lb bag of ice... I had my legs and arms. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 18:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By Sheliton - 18/1/2012 01:39 - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

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By Beeh - 24/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML

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By whirlednews - 23/4/2012 02:01 - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By MahSquito - 6/2/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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By dzisfml - 14/2/2010 08:42 - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

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By DeathPopStar666 - 19/8/2019 14:00

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

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By lalala - 22/12/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

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By spleechick - 28/1/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2014 21:03 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

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By Arrgh - 27/5/2009 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

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Top comments

By music_woman1 | 11

#4747168 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

I can't help thinking that if he's this comfortable with you then you've got something special

By viper64 | 10

#4747166 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

Well, looks like you have to fart back, OP. Maybe that's his idea of a turn on?

Comments

By viper64 | 10

#4747166 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

Well, looks like you have to fart back, OP. Maybe that's his idea of a turn on?

marmlr339 | 14

#4747384 - Sunday 29 July 2012 14:28

How is that a turn on?
If someone did that to me, I'd wake them up and kick them out of the bed

heimdallr | 14

#4747405 - Sunday 29 July 2012 14:45

#28: People have different kinks... Like the guy that came in his pants after being picked up by a female bodybuilder.

By music_woman1 | 11

#4747168 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

I can't help thinking that if he's this comfortable with you then you've got something special

oneFUCKINword | 8

#4747309 - Sunday 29 July 2012 13:37

Or maybe his just a pig that does care where or who he farts near?

deBlobX | 12

#4747340 - Sunday 29 July 2012 13:52

*Doesn't

easyprey | 8

#4747539 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:07

Farting doesn't mean someone's a pig, it's a natural thing that happens all the time. Women fart too does that make them pigs?

Bullpine | 11

#4747812 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:56

Farting is natural, but it's polite to do it where you know it won't bother anyone; such as in the bathroom.

lazyfoo92 | 4

#4748763 - Sunday 29 July 2012 23:31

yes..

jweezy89 | 4

#4749045 - Monday 30 July 2012 2:41

He farted in his sleep. Kind of hard to control that. I don't know anyone who sleeps with clenched butt cheeks. Unless you're in prison...

By top_dawg45 | 10

#4747177 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:40

try not being so clingy, bossy, or bitchy. guys r turned off about that kinda shit im sure u r all of thos things. hear me?

By vocaloidtiger | 12

#4747184 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:42

Well, so much for intimacy.

By top_dawg45 | 10

#4747188 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:43

i said try not being clingy, bossy or bitchy guys r usually turned off by that kinda shit.

By PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#4747191 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:44

Oh my... How romantic! He sure knows how to melt a girls heart doesn't he?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#4747792 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:51

… and her eyebrows… and her nostril hairs…

By luckyd880 | 12

#4747195 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:46

Time to research ways to spice up the bedroom OP!

luckyd880 | 12

#4747244 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:57

Not that spicy noor. Maybe start out with some bell peppers and work your way up. If you can't handle the heat, stay outta the bedroom.

winnerme123 | 8

#4747750 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:43

No, it is eat a ghost pepper then fart!
( if you can handle the heat )

flutter4 | 7

#4748074 - Sunday 29 July 2012 18:13

The ghost pepper will burn your ass hole off in the process of getting even but it sounds deadly lol

Ray_of_midnight | 22

#4748095 - Sunday 29 July 2012 18:27

I suggest eggs and/or cabbage.

By Zomg_Okay | 26

#4747199 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:47

[edit]

By CptZoe | 10

#4747217 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:49

Oh, what a beautiful moment.

By Jiinxx | 8

#4747223 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:50

welp... nothing wrong with a little self-loving, if you know what I mean.