Love: Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend...

By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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Love

Our house, in the middle of our street

Walk on the wild side

Delayed proposal

By LFE - United States - Liberty Hill

Today, after applying at over 30 businesses over the past 6 months, I have had not one single call. I later find out that I was using my old phone number on the applications, and my secondary phone was my mom's. She thought they were telemarketers. FML

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By angrypetowner - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2021 06:01

Safe working conditions

Today, at work, yet another inappropriately stacked pallet fell on me. I thought for sure that I just hit a nerve. Nope, I fractured my arm. FML

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By ripo95 - France

Today, I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn't shaved. FML

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By Todd - United States

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

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By SupaSu - Canada

Today, I passed the girl I like a note asking her out, signed Mark H. She picked it up, read it, turned around and asked me, "Do you know who Mark H. is?" FML

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By Sadwife - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By Stevie - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

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By Anonymous

Epitaph

Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his "Lumpy Space Princess." FML

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By afather - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

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By girlwithaprob - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

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By ¬_¬ - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, said "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but... nevermind." then shook his head and walked out. FML

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By feelin a lil left out - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I found out what it means to be the only single person in my group of friends. They had a New Year's party and didn't invite me because they didn't want me to "feel alone". FML

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By ohhi_itsme123 - United States

Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By Tara115 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

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By Rosies - France

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

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By panicromanceX3 - United States

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By ugh - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By Jason Brazil

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

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By coveholli - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

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By good_aim - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

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By Jbheller - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

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By Black Cat 13 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By Seriously?

Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

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4003

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By isabellam0426

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By Beeky - United States - Helena

Today, I was excited to receive a rejection letter, because this was the first company to even acknowledge that I sent them a resume. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

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By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By Ladycakes - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

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Top comments

By music_woman1 | 11

#4747168 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

I can't help thinking that if he's this comfortable with you then you've got something special

By viper64 | 10

#4747166 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

Well, looks like you have to fart back, OP. Maybe that's his idea of a turn on?

COMMENTS

By viper64 | 10

#4747166 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

Well, looks like you have to fart back, OP. Maybe that's his idea of a turn on?

marmlr339 | 14

#4747384 - Sunday 29 July 2012 14:28

How is that a turn on?
If someone did that to me, I'd wake them up and kick them out of the bed

heimdallr | 14

#4747405 - Sunday 29 July 2012 14:45

#28: People have different kinks... Like the guy that came in his pants after being picked up by a female bodybuilder.

By music_woman1 | 11

#4747168 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:39

I can't help thinking that if he's this comfortable with you then you've got something special

oneFUCKINword | 8

#4747309 - Sunday 29 July 2012 13:37

Or maybe his just a pig that does care where or who he farts near?

deBlobX | 12

#4747340 - Sunday 29 July 2012 13:52

*Doesn't

easyprey | 8

#4747539 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:07

Farting doesn't mean someone's a pig, it's a natural thing that happens all the time. Women fart too does that make them pigs?

Bullpine | 11

#4747812 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:56

Farting is natural, but it's polite to do it where you know it won't bother anyone; such as in the bathroom.

lazyfoo92 | 4

#4748763 - Sunday 29 July 2012 23:31

yes..

jweezy89 | 4

#4749045 - Monday 30 July 2012 2:41

He farted in his sleep. Kind of hard to control that. I don't know anyone who sleeps with clenched butt cheeks. Unless you're in prison...

By top_dawg45 | 10

#4747177 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:40

try not being so clingy, bossy, or bitchy. guys r turned off about that kinda shit im sure u r all of thos things. hear me?

By vocaloidtiger | 12

#4747184 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:42

Well, so much for intimacy.

By top_dawg45 | 10

#4747188 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:43

i said try not being clingy, bossy or bitchy guys r usually turned off by that kinda shit.

By PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#4747191 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:44

Oh my... How romantic! He sure knows how to melt a girls heart doesn't he?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#4747792 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:51

… and her eyebrows… and her nostril hairs…

By luckyd880 | 12

#4747195 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:46

Time to research ways to spice up the bedroom OP!

luckyd880 | 12

#4747244 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:57

Not that spicy noor. Maybe start out with some bell peppers and work your way up. If you can't handle the heat, stay outta the bedroom.

winnerme123 | 8

#4747750 - Sunday 29 July 2012 16:43

No, it is eat a ghost pepper then fart!
( if you can handle the heat )

flutter4 | 7

#4748074 - Sunday 29 July 2012 18:13

The ghost pepper will burn your ass hole off in the process of getting even but it sounds deadly lol

Ray_of_midnight | 22

#4748095 - Sunday 29 July 2012 18:27

I suggest eggs and/or cabbage.

By Zomg_Okay | 26

#4747199 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:47

[edit]

By CptZoe | 10

#4747217 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:49

Oh, what a beautiful moment.

By Jiinxx | 8

#4747223 - Sunday 29 July 2012 12:50

welp... nothing wrong with a little self-loving, if you know what I mean.