Animals: Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can... - FML

By Are you kidding me? - 09/09/2013 20:51 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 964

You deserved it 4 559

Leave us alone

Compromises

Demon child

By Anon - 26/12/2015 02:03 - United States

Today, I thought my mom and I could put aside our differences and open our Christmas presents. When she opened mine, she turned to my dad and said she didn't want the present, so I could give it to someone else. 'Tis the season. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 454

You deserved it 1 370

By Anonymous - 26/06/2015 17:42 - Zambia

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 127

You deserved it 2 365

By mylovelifeisanepicfail - 12/03/2015 13:53 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 684

You deserved it 3 870

By XxMe123xx - 19/08/2010 00:51 - France

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 396

You deserved it 10 901

By Anonymous - 23/03/2012 21:46 - United States - Kingman

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 679

You deserved it 4 085

By creepedasfuck - 23/09/2012 16:50 - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 099

You deserved it 2 365

By Toloveornottolove - 12/06/2016 16:08 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 088

You deserved it 1 087

By sadpoorlady - 22/06/2013 09:22 - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 781

You deserved it 4 987

By Girl w/ the Pearl Earring - 22/08/2016 11:46 - Australia - Perth

Today, it was another stressful day of watching servicemen at my job trying to figure out what broke an extremely expensive and essential machine. I'm just waiting for the day they finally discover the earring I dropped into it about a week ago FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 111

You deserved it 4 966

By pubemilkshake - 08/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 742

You deserved it 4 887

Emotional lift

By ENZ - 03/11/2019 23:30

Today, I finally got my paycheck that I could enjoy $300 for myself after taking care of my bills with so many other ones. Then, I find out that the water was shut off, which is supposed to be my roommate's responsibility. Apparently, he has not paid it in months, and they want $288. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 248

You deserved it 161

By imamess - 15/09/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 890

You deserved it 9 314

By Confused and Disgusted - 23/02/2015 23:42 - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 200

You deserved it 2 409

By ciararow - 14/04/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 094

You deserved it 26 126

By Mackdaddy - 07/02/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 001

You deserved it 9 043

Compensating

By Jpev - 12/05/2016 01:09 - United States - Huntsville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 059

You deserved it 4 304

By dantko - 01/01/2014 05:04 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 048

You deserved it 5 299

Good boy

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 377

You deserved it 21 004

By awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Spicy

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 654

You deserved it 4 902

By GodSquad - 26/09/2013 08:06 - United Kingdom - Blackburn

Today, I found out that the girl I've fallen in love with is a "young-earth/dinosaurs-lived-with-humans" crackpot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 342

You deserved it 7 975

By BarBacked - 15/04/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 513

You deserved it 4 076

By kittydead - 29/01/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 913

You deserved it 37 112

Are you OK?

By Anonymous - 01/05/2016 04:36 - United States - Bloomfield

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 806

You deserved it 1 561

By anonymous - 01/04/2012 18:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 482

You deserved it 10 304

By Anonymous - 13/06/2014 22:06 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 304

You deserved it 4 344

By WestboroBC - 03/02/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 418

You deserved it 72 237

By SterlingEnigma - 25/09/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 195

You deserved it 7 334

By Broke and Blonde - 10/03/2019 12:00

Today, I had an interview for a new position in my company. The head of HR decided to sit and I got so nervous that I just spouted gibberish for 45 minutes. Pretty sure I convinced her I’m not qualified for the position I’m currently in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 553

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 21:05 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 102

You deserved it 4 228

By Fmyapp - 02/12/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 475

You deserved it 45 983

By michelle - 15/11/2015 15:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 313

You deserved it 2 837

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was riding on my usual bus, when I noticed a man staring at me. I was having a really bad day, and said "Can you please stop staring at me?" He then replied with "I'm just trying to look out the window, and your head is in the way. Don't flatter yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 319

You deserved it 46 433

By Anonymous - 02/10/2009 08:37 - Australia

Today, I sent my long-distance girlfriend the first photo of me I'd sent her in a while. It was a photo of me with some of my friends, she didn't know which one I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 300

You deserved it 11 532

Regret…

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 20:01

Today, I searched my ex-boyfriend on Facebook while my husband slept. He recently got engaged. I regret everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 1 712

By Livingthedream - 12/08/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 873

You deserved it 440

Mind control

By yeah uh huh - 23/11/2021 04:58 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my now ex genuinely thought I’d buy the idea that he hasn’t answered a call or text in five days because he thought the "government" was "tracking" him. When I refused to buy his excuse, he raged that I was a "trained sheep." He was actually shacked up with his married coworker at the beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 68

By brokenhearted - 05/12/2012 11:29 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 099

You deserved it 2 584

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 05:15 - Australia

Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 282

You deserved it 43 483

By TheNewSalesRep - 21/01/2016 02:37 - Canada - Brantford

Today, on my second day at my new job, my supervisor told me that I was ready to make a sale on my own. Things were going well, until said supervisor interrupted my sales pitch, apologized on my behalf for being new, and stole my sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 344

You deserved it 1 352

By bella - 08/12/2013 01:07 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 970

You deserved it 5 095

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Top comments

boredSOLDIER 33

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

Golden shower!!!!

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

Two peeing FMLs in a row. What are the odds?

Comments

boredSOLDIER 33

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

Golden shower!!!!

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:31

It's okay OP, it happens. I thought the " You may get Wet" sign ment the tigers would splash me, but I ended up getting pee'd on too. Just lettin you know it's not as uncommon as it sounds :p

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:39

actually, rhinos don't pee backwards. that was probably spray, which they do to ward off enemies. still pissed they stole my methods.

ptoka 20

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 2:32

Ward off enemies? I swore it had to do with marking territory. Don't worry OP, you're the rhino's new walking marker ;)

CaptFuzzyNippl_2 16

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 4:08

Random animal fact 2:when hippo's poop they swish there tails and fling there shit everywhere you gotta watch out for that as well.

love_me_electric 20

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 14:47

46 - There's actually a video on Youtube of this. It's appropriately called "hippo butt explosion".

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 17:57

60- I need to go check this out

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

Two peeing FMLs in a row. What are the odds?

evilplatypus 38

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:14

We should petition the mods to move the parrot FML so we can have a hat trick.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:17

114:1. Next question?

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:20

Three consecutive FMLs on bowel movements? Ah, if only life was that grand.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:22

#20, bladders aren't bowels.

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:23

Waste then

LordoftheOcelots 10

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:02

Hey OP! that's no way to describe your wife

evilplatypus 38

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:27

Since birds urinate and defecate in the same splort, it would be three urine stories in a row.

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

Rough!

\ 28

Wednesday 11 September 2013 2:16

Sandpaper!

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

360 degree penis

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:02

thats a circle... im sure you mean 180

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:46

Hahahah thanks for that image. 360 no scope piss sprinkler. Oh dear god that'd be awful. I'd hope that no one's piss can do a 360... You'd literally have to have a cup on your privates every time you pee 0.o

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 6:08

Who said that it can't pee in a circle?

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:11

animals sure know how to piss people off sometimes lol

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:42

In this case OP was both pissed off and piss on.

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:12

now you can take the great smell of the zoo with you.

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:12

Thats a pissie situation srry op

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 3:11

That doesn't even make sense

MoronsAccount1 12

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:12

Everyone's getting pissed on today. I almost feel left out.

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:12

so parrots shit horizontally and rhinos piss backwards? I've learned two new things today

perdix 29

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:13

Good thing it wasn't a parrot! That shit woulda hurt!

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 49

Spicy

Spicy

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 43

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 184