Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy...

By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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57334

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Expanding universe

Modern Family

By Anonymous - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

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13726

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By evilparents - United States

Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

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28917

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5960

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By Dog fart - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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44351

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By prochainefois - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

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62195

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By Wellpoo

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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3151

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302

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By awkwardparents - United States - Burlingame

Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML

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23715

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4148

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

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11024

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23136

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By klanciee - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29354

You deserved it

2193

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By LaurahLunatic - United States

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29034

You deserved it

5996

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By GyroUpgraded - United States - Portland

Today, after driving to three drug testing clinics that were approved for my job, each one declined me saying they dont do testing anymore. Now I have to drive another 25 miles to see if someone will say, "You're clean." FML

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11774

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By Unfortunate - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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6806

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By thisreallysucks2 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

128414

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By thrill house - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22735

You deserved it

1704

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By LaurenB - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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36382

You deserved it

5250

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By LonelyGuy - Australia

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35049

You deserved it

9508

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2320

You deserved it

151

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29484

You deserved it

1790

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had a dream that I kicked the moon like a soccer ball. It started swearing in my boyfriend's voice. That part wasn't a dream. FML

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32161

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3775

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By MandMandM - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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44317

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6123

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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26892

You deserved it

4312

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By Recluse

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

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41144

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

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34498

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By Asirual - United States

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

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28271

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By babysheets - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

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25315

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1375

You deserved it

145

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By whyme - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

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16651

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By whatiswrongwiththeworld

Tsk Tsk

Today, I was told off by a random woman who said that I should be ashamed of myself for dating such an older man. I was having dinner with my dad. FML

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5768

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269

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By Username - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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31712

You deserved it

5918

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By Anonymous

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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6100

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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25640

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, after explaining that I never want kids, I was asked, "Are you sure? I have really strong swimmers." FML

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2592

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260

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By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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30840

You deserved it

2256

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By Bob - United States

Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML

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74843

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By Username - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

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12056

You deserved it

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By Tiredoftrying - Australia

Today, I received my fourth rejection email from McDonald's after applying for one position with them a few weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1983

You deserved it

298

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By tacoboy - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

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47058

You deserved it

6544

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By Snowflakepandi

Sneaky sneaky...

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

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3375

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265

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By Andrew Dutch Beebe

Today, I was told not to show up for work, after I showed up for work. FML

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1527

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By DamnDogs - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

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23399

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Top comments

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5283438 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Troll mom is winning

By Harpy20 | 24

#5283440 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Twat swat level: EXPERT.

COMMENTS

By seandoc | 13

#5283433 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:08

What a way to introduce your family!

rallets | 22

#5283544 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:30

what a twat swatter

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5283438 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Troll mom is winning

youknowimright | 5

#5284087 - Thursday 27 December 2012 6:05

Hey might as well teach em while theyre young to lie and fabricate stories to avoid potential unpleasantries. def winning at mothering...

By Harpy20 | 24

#5283440 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Twat swat level: EXPERT.

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#5284039 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:35

Definitely Asian level.

dalink | 24

#5284296 - Thursday 27 December 2012 9:10

I love this comment. And your profile pic. Ahh rainbow road... How I hated you in Mario kart.

By bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5283441 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

In a way You got cock blocked by your mom

iloveandy143 | 7

#5283726 - Thursday 27 December 2012 2:04

No shit.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#5283879 - Thursday 27 December 2012 3:16

Technically, she got beaver dammed.

By daliagrande | 17

#5283444 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MrSassypants | 32

#5283511 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:22

I know, right? She's even taking OP to her AA meeting. What a wonderful woman.......

PenguinBitch | 43

#5283571 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:46

I agree with 5. Motherly instincts y'all know.

sux4u121 | 10

#5284231 - Thursday 27 December 2012 8:16

Oh yes, protecting her from those evil grocery fiends.

IllestRated | 17

#5285371 - Thursday 27 December 2012 17:36

No that's just mom being a hater.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#5283447 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Your mom > my mom

RZB | 11

#5283739 - Thursday 27 December 2012 2:14

OP's mom > everyone's mom

youknowimright | 5

#5284089 - Thursday 27 December 2012 6:07

She certainly does seem like a good influence...

By onorexveritas | 23

#5283448 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

she loves you

sens3sfailing | 24

#5284425 - Thursday 27 December 2012 10:18

Jesus was a man.

By n3rd43v3r | 10

#5283451 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:11

That's when you wink, lick your lips, and walk away

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5283457 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:13

Your mom is awesome.

By beehardxcore | 26

#5283459 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:13

Troll level: Overprotective Mom. Lol what a dick move.

TellMeWhatsDeath | 14

#5283625 - Thursday 27 December 2012 1:07

not overprotective.. just a troll.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5284857 - Thursday 27 December 2012 13:48

No, that's not what trolling means; and it's definitely because she thought she was helping (thus overprotective)