Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy...

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 18:30 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57301

You deserved it

5315

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Proactive

No one likes a smart-ass

British Broadcasting Corporation

By moxy - 24/1/2011 15:00

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9632

You deserved it

65578

Favorite

By fml - 20/5/2010 21:32 - Canada

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40859

You deserved it

7579

Favorite

By alissa_roar - 18/4/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42647

You deserved it

8474

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/3/2013 20:43 - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42050

You deserved it

4240

Favorite

By meat is meat - 7/10/2019 02:07

Alexa, play "Meat Is Murder" by The Smiths

Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1105

You deserved it

2202

Favorite

By augiedd - 5/3/2014 02:46 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after weeks of summoning up the courage to come out of the closet to my best friend, I told her I was gay. Immediately after she started cracking up, thinking it was a joke. I was so confused and nervous, I went along with it. She still thinks I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45696

You deserved it

7422

Favorite

By bleh - 23/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31246

You deserved it

6754

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/1/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12968

You deserved it

27259

Favorite

By mental - 2/9/2019 18:01 - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1720

You deserved it

117

Favorite

By I'maboutobarf - 31/1/2013 10:28 - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40111

You deserved it

2767

Favorite

By wtfseriously - 9/5/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8429

You deserved it

78296

Favorite

By diddlebuag - 27/5/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42881

You deserved it

6214

Favorite

By rebekah - 3/4/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

461195

You deserved it

76763

Favorite

By st3phani3b - 26/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I'm stuck at home waiting on a plumber to come fix the flooding in my basement. The flooding happens when any sink, shower, or toilet in the house is used. Today is also the day that I started my period. Without water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2596

You deserved it

147

Favorite

By nothingisreal69 - 1/3/2011 22:21 - Reserved

Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32197

You deserved it

13288

Favorite

By Katsura - 19/7/2016 00:43 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, my boyfriend wanted to get into an open relationship. He has no romantic feelings for me anymore, but he didn't want to separate from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14036

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1337

Favorite

By hardwarekit - 31/10/2014 14:27 - United States - Fairport

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29472

You deserved it

2901

Favorite

By BS2280 - 9/6/2020 23:00

Relationships sink

Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship, then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1850

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By GlueAndCarrots - 20/8/2015 02:38 - Canada - Markham

Today, I told my daughter that we're going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog that we buried in our back yard last week so it can come along. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25016

You deserved it

1773

Favorite

By I have Flashbacks Now - 10/11/2016 21:15 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9290

You deserved it

881

Favorite

By cane - 5/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22149

You deserved it

65222

Favorite

By g_unit - 10/12/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37518

You deserved it

2602

Favorite

By single - 27/3/2020 05:15 - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2166

You deserved it

154

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 05:44 - United States

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8171

You deserved it

52210

Favorite

By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41974

You deserved it

2905

Favorite

By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38461

You deserved it

4322

Favorite

By BigDT - 28/1/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30597

You deserved it

4032

Favorite

By anon - 26/7/2010 00:07 - Canada

Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38643

You deserved it

3505

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 06:46 - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44007

You deserved it

25468

Favorite

By blanknameisblank - 9/6/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48565

You deserved it

22012

Favorite

By Dinho - 15/5/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, I was in a public bathroom, and a little boy walks in and he has an accident. He asked if I could help him clean it up. So I decided to help. I started to walk to him to assist him. That's when I walked straight into the pee and I slipped. My whole back was covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49977

You deserved it

6626

Favorite

By fucker43 - 2/6/2013 06:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my friend made an effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47681

You deserved it

4709

Favorite

By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30 - France

Today, I sat in the train and the old lady sitting next to me stares at my face. I ask her if she is ok and she starts yelling "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?". The entire train trip went like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24961

You deserved it

1913

Favorite

By IAmACoolCat - 5/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35403

You deserved it

4926

Favorite

By ashbox233 - 9/11/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, someone reckoned that I would never be in a relationship. So I made up this whole story about some made up guy named 'Nick' and posted stuff on my Facebook and Myspace that I'm dating him. Now all my friends want to meet him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8144

You deserved it

85297

Favorite

By sllaggy - 18/4/2011 09:34

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43292

You deserved it

22033

Favorite

By fml_seriouslyfml - 7/6/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27507

You deserved it

43232

Favorite

By egged - 1/10/2009 06:43 - Singapore

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

I agree, your life sucks

46011

You deserved it

2245

Favorite

By TrainedBF - 12/9/2009 12:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12645

You deserved it

46736

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51678

You deserved it

16236

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5283438 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Troll mom is winning

By Harpy20 | 24

#5283440 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Twat swat level: EXPERT.

Comments

By seandoc | 13

#5283433 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:08

What a way to introduce your family!

rallets | 22

#5283544 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:30

what a twat swatter

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5283438 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Troll mom is winning

youknowimright | 5

#5284087 - Thursday 27 December 2012 6:05

Hey might as well teach em while theyre young to lie and fabricate stories to avoid potential unpleasantries. def winning at mothering...

By Harpy20 | 24

#5283440 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Twat swat level: EXPERT.

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#5284039 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:35

Definitely Asian level.

dalink | 24

#5284296 - Thursday 27 December 2012 9:10

I love this comment. And your profile pic. Ahh rainbow road... How I hated you in Mario kart.

By bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5283441 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

In a way You got cock blocked by your mom

iloveandy143 | 7

#5283726 - Thursday 27 December 2012 2:04

No shit.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#5283879 - Thursday 27 December 2012 3:16

Technically, she got beaver dammed.

By daliagrande | 17

#5283444 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MrSassypants | 32

#5283511 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:22

I know, right? She's even taking OP to her AA meeting. What a wonderful woman.......

PenguinBitch | 43

#5283571 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:46

I agree with 5. Motherly instincts y'all know.

sux4u121 | 10

#5284231 - Thursday 27 December 2012 8:16

Oh yes, protecting her from those evil grocery fiends.

IllestRated | 17

#5285371 - Thursday 27 December 2012 17:36

No that's just mom being a hater.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#5283447 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Your mom > my mom

RZB | 11

#5283739 - Thursday 27 December 2012 2:14

OP's mom > everyone's mom

youknowimright | 5

#5284089 - Thursday 27 December 2012 6:07

She certainly does seem like a good influence...

By onorexveritas | 23

#5283448 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

she loves you

sens3sfailing | 24

#5284425 - Thursday 27 December 2012 10:18

Jesus was a man.

By n3rd43v3r | 10

#5283451 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:11

That's when you wink, lick your lips, and walk away

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5283457 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:13

Your mom is awesome.

By beehardxcore | 26

#5283459 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:13

Troll level: Overprotective Mom. Lol what a dick move.

TellMeWhatsDeath | 14

#5283625 - Thursday 27 December 2012 1:07

not overprotective.. just a troll.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5284857 - Thursday 27 December 2012 13:48

No, that's not what trolling means; and it's definitely because she thought she was helping (thus overprotective)