Miscellaneous: Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy...

By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Commando

Death at one's elbow

By not a brain cell in sight - United States - Muskegon

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By thesmartone - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

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By My mom - France

Today, my mom walked me to school to make sure I don't cut class. I'm 20 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By LG - United States

Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By Fire0fisis - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

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By ZombieLicker - United States

Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don't like that. FML

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By oohrahgal - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

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By tftm - United States - Elmhurst

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

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By Everest

Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML

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By Malarky - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

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By wiper

Today, my dad hid the toilet paper and is charging me 50 cents a roll. FML

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By have it your way - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

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By Joe - Australia

Thanks, gran…

Today, I went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her grandmother, who's a bit senile, that we were engaged. Her response: "I know he's very nice, but think about the chubby little ugly children he'll give you". This was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who would've fathered attractive kids. FML

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By effingawwesome - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By rachel - United States

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

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By Scarred Nephew - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

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By makayta - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

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By Sad Chef ;( - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

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By ooblie - United States

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

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By moorox45 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Bounced

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

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By Entity303 - 14/11/2020 21:32 - India

Damp, dark night

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

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By DosSantos

Today, I returned from a trip to Budapest with more condoms than I had brought with me. FML

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By Frozen Delight - United States - New York

Bewitched

Today, my husband and our 4-year-old daughter were watching My Little Pony. When her favorite character angrily screamed, "You're going to love me!", she looked at him with a perplexed look. My husband then responded, "And THAT'S how I met your mommy!" FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

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Top comments

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5283438 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Troll mom is winning

By Harpy20 | 24

#5283440 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Twat swat level: EXPERT.

COMMENTS

By seandoc | 13

#5283433 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:08

What a way to introduce your family!

rallets | 22

#5283544 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:30

what a twat swatter

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#5283438 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Troll mom is winning

youknowimright | 5

#5284087 - Thursday 27 December 2012 6:05

Hey might as well teach em while theyre young to lie and fabricate stories to avoid potential unpleasantries. def winning at mothering...

By Harpy20 | 24

#5283440 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Twat swat level: EXPERT.

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#5284039 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:35

Definitely Asian level.

dalink | 24

#5284296 - Thursday 27 December 2012 9:10

I love this comment. And your profile pic. Ahh rainbow road... How I hated you in Mario kart.

By bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5283441 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

In a way You got cock blocked by your mom

iloveandy143 | 7

#5283726 - Thursday 27 December 2012 2:04

No shit.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#5283879 - Thursday 27 December 2012 3:16

Technically, she got beaver dammed.

By daliagrande | 17

#5283444 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MrSassypants | 32

#5283511 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:22

I know, right? She's even taking OP to her AA meeting. What a wonderful woman.......

PenguinBitch | 43

#5283571 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:46

I agree with 5. Motherly instincts y'all know.

sux4u121 | 10

#5284231 - Thursday 27 December 2012 8:16

Oh yes, protecting her from those evil grocery fiends.

IllestRated | 17

#5285371 - Thursday 27 December 2012 17:36

No that's just mom being a hater.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#5283447 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

Your mom > my mom

RZB | 11

#5283739 - Thursday 27 December 2012 2:14

OP's mom > everyone's mom

youknowimright | 5

#5284089 - Thursday 27 December 2012 6:07

She certainly does seem like a good influence...

By onorexveritas | 23

#5283448 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:10

she loves you

sens3sfailing | 24

#5284425 - Thursday 27 December 2012 10:18

Jesus was a man.

By n3rd43v3r | 10

#5283451 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:11

That's when you wink, lick your lips, and walk away

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5283457 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:13

Your mom is awesome.

By beehardxcore | 26

#5283459 - Thursday 27 December 2012 0:13

Troll level: Overprotective Mom. Lol what a dick move.

TellMeWhatsDeath | 14

#5283625 - Thursday 27 December 2012 1:07

not overprotective.. just a troll.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5284857 - Thursday 27 December 2012 13:48

No, that's not what trolling means; and it's definitely because she thought she was helping (thus overprotective)