Miscellaneous: Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font...

By mislabelled mother - 24/03/2018 01:30

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 855

You deserved it 5 508

Miscellaneous

Leave us alone

Our house, in the middle of our street

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By jjs51 - 23/01/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 182

You deserved it 3 863

By Heather - 04/03/2010 12:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I was quite happily glossing my new bathroom door, when my useless, alcoholic, housemate came rolling in, knocked the paint over, stood in it and without realising, walked it all the way down the stairs. I had just had a brand new carpet fitted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 157

You deserved it 3 668

Good smell

By smellslikeroses - 30/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxnard

Today, while going to the bathroom, I noticed a smell lingering. It smelled good so I kept sniffing the air. And then it hit me. My poop! My poop smelled good and I'd been sniffing and enjoying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 638

You deserved it 1 805

Planned parenthood

By KittenTitz - 03/05/2020 20:00

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 576

By anon - 09/09/2013 21:51

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 149

You deserved it 19 525

By thanksmom - 09/01/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 561

You deserved it 7 747

By hairy - 30/09/2013 21:59 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 331

You deserved it 3 813

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 06:00

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 893

You deserved it 315

By Anonymous - 26/07/2012 17:02 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I got my laptop back after waiting weeks for it to be fixed. It turns out that they didn't fix it; they dusted it off, held it for a few days, and sent it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 644

You deserved it 1 921

Innocent

By Boyufd - 19/01/2019 12:00

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 537

You deserved it 121

It's all in the timing

By laststand11 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 987

You deserved it 2 479

By coffeeshopgirl - 08/05/2012 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 770

You deserved it 4 466

By cass - 10/05/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 571

You deserved it 5 083

It's better than nothing, I suppose

By thatonekid - 06/05/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my dad texted me, "I love u." I replied, "I love you too dad... are you drunk?" He answers back, "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 953

You deserved it 5 164

Apologetic

By mpsteve137 - 30/06/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 832

You deserved it 9 748

PS I Love You

By Anonymous - 13/02/2021 17:01 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 217

You deserved it 93 474

Phone holder

By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 1 815

Wow, thanks, I'm cured!

By Anonymous - 25/07/2020 17:01

Today, my dad told me that I'm a weak and negative person because I suffer from depression and anxiety, then he told me to just snap out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 203

Cultural appropriation

By Christinne - 26/06/2021 04:01

Today, I had to explain to my mom what an 'LGBT ally' is and that it is entirely possible for a straight cis girl to support the LGBT movement. She thought I was a lesbian because I have rainbow colored and LGBT memorabilia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 681

You deserved it 508

By anonymous - 25/06/2016 20:03 - United States - Lowell

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 431

You deserved it 929

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 870

You deserved it 40 060

Stand up for capitalism!

By Anonymous - 27/10/2021 22:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I started my new job. They let me go after literally one shift. Why? Because I asked if I could use a stool occasionally, since I have rods in my back from major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 87

By GoldenSteve - 05/11/2015 15:31 - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 392

You deserved it 2 520

By Anonymous - 08/10/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 6 725

Hammocking yourself

By phlox_fml - 30/05/2020 08:00

Today, I fell backwards out of my hammock, busting my shoulder. This weekend, I broke my toe falling out of it. I've used hammocks my entire life, but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 248

You deserved it 253

By Darling_Cherry - 02/01/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 6 908

Optimism

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 62

Projectile

By Mr.Incognito-san - 03/04/2021 17:00

Today, my sisters were fighting, again. Unfortunately, one of them has the tendency to pick up the closest object and throw it at the other one. Unfortunately, I was the closest object, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 91

By ak - 02/03/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 595

You deserved it 11 342

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 874

You deserved it 69 636

By Meow - 15/09/2009 13:21 - Singapore

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 674

You deserved it 8 127

By pistonchamp159 - 28/08/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 624

You deserved it 9 907

By nooooooooob - 05/10/2011 08:59 - United States

Today, after a long bike-ride home, I thought my roommate was being a douche and holding the door shut to our apartment. After about ten minutes of shoulder-slamming and name calling, I discovered that I just wasn't turning the key all the way, which I found out when my roomie came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 100

You deserved it 35 010

By abbshows - 29/08/2014 18:54 - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 493

You deserved it 2 721

By xXEndlesslullabyXx - 05/06/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 573

You deserved it 2 786

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 18:22 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 496

You deserved it 7 523

By Hopeless - 12/07/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 465

You deserved it 3 577

Territorial

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 121

You deserved it 4 081

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 14:01 - United States - Kittanning

Today, my father-in-law decided to "fix" our bathtub and ended up flooding the bathroom. Later, in his attempt to clean things up, he walked, without permission, into my bathroom where my vibrator was right next to my hairdryer. He definitely saw it, and didn’t say anything to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 370

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Top comments

BiGTiMeNeRD 29

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Saturday 24 March 2018 2:13

Either way, not a good tatt.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 24 March 2018 2:47

How did you not notice this before you got the tattoo? No regerts I guess.

ajh1800 25

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Saturday 24 March 2018 1:50

Guess you're not a good luck charm after all...

DraftHail614 17

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Saturday 24 March 2018 2:09

The next time you go on a date, he might just get lucky.

BiGTiMeNeRD 29

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Saturday 24 March 2018 2:13

Either way, not a good tatt.

CrazyTrainWreck 19

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Saturday 24 March 2018 2:32

Is your name lucky by any chance?

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 24 March 2018 2:47

How did you not notice this before you got the tattoo? No regerts I guess.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 24 March 2018 3:11

Don’t meff with Lancy Lontf! You’ll Fook Fike a Lucking Loof!

LAUGHINGKOMODO 25

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Saturday 24 March 2018 4:37

Whatever other people see, it still means the same thing, so no big deal.

Symphoniaes 32

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Saturday 24 March 2018 4:38

No ragrets, isn’t that right Scottie P.

Lobby_Bee 17

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Saturday 24 March 2018 6:34

Instead of having good luck, you'll be having a good fuck. It isn't so bad, who doesn't like a good fuck?

Mungolikecandy 19

Saturday 24 March 2018 8:27

Did you not see the design before it was permanently etched upon you? If you did you would have seen it looked that way.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 75

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 143

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