Love: Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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Dangling modifier

Commando

Mixed signals

By trex_life - 14/3/2021 20:00

Chill out, Bugs

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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By Festivaler - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

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By RIPcareer - United States - Ellicott City

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

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By Pimaan - United States

Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML

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By mrdentist

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By part time all the time - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2021 03:01 - Lithuania - Klaipeda

Don't stop now!

Today, as usual during sex, my boyfriend finished first, and then he "massaged" me so I could finish too. While he was doing that, his grandma called. He actually answered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By howaboutno - United States

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

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By arace15336 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

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By trappedinmyownhome

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By ollie179 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By Targeted - United States - Kirkland

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

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By keepmouthshut - United States

Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Bourges

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

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By homeless - United Kingdom - Winchester

Today, I found out that, after having moved over 500 miles to begin a post-graduate degree, I'm being kicked out of the house I'm renting. We haven't yet signed agreements. Apparently I "keep the kitchen too clean". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was chosen to MC a function at work. I developed a terrible case of hiccups which made the audience giggle and groan for the duration of my time on stage. FML

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By CodyS - United States - Rocky River

Sticky situation

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

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By Myself - United States

Today, after a few months of my neighbors friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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By sadinmass - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

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By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By SHRINKY

Today, we were looking forward to spending x-mas eve with our best friends of 13 years before moving across the country where we know no one. That was the plan. The stomach flu virus has a different plan. FML

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By jewel87 - United States

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

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By fml - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

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By Vampire Teabag - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4738806 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:12

*turns circuit breaker off*

"Aw damn, looks like the power's back off! Now, where were we?"

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#4738815 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

You were actually cock-blocked by the Internet? That's just plain backwards

COMMENTS

By k010sweetygurl | 5

#4738800 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:11

That sucks

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4738860 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:16

Your comment sucks more. I just had to say it.

By DocBastard | 38

#4738806 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:12

*turns circuit breaker off*

"Aw damn, looks like the power's back off! Now, where were we?"

Reply

dead_insects | 18

#4738849 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:15

damn skippy!!! ^_^

Reply

dead_insects | 18

#4738873 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:18

damn skippy!! ^_^

Reply

theslimshadylp | 6

#4738916 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:24

Aww how cute

Reply

beccaishereyay | 11

#4738987 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:51

2 - smart man

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#4743832 - Saturday 28 July 2012 9:45

26, That's because DocBastard is a legend on this site and leaves some pretty funny, intelligent comments. They never get old :-).

Reply

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4745472 - Saturday 28 July 2012 23:35

Looks like you got sone competition!

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#4738815 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

You were actually cock-blocked by the Internet? That's just plain backwards

Reply

boofgall | 16

#4739000 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:59

Just go down on her, she'll quickly change her mind and drop her phone.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#4739378 - Friday 27 July 2012 12:52

Don't people usually get cock blocked by the Internet nowadays with porn?

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#4742227 - Saturday 28 July 2012 0:02

Only when it starts buffering

Reply

Thelnternet | 7

#4743895 - Saturday 28 July 2012 10:30

I'm sorry.

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4738817 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

That's when you turn the power off, and act like it went out again.

Reply

SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4738976 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:47

Well fuck.

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#4739290 - Friday 27 July 2012 12:19

You were beaten by a single minute. I'm thumbing you up because I know you didn't copy.

Reply

ZippandButtons | 7

#4746149 - Sunday 29 July 2012 3:59

Better luck next time.

By greeneyedpothead | 10

#4738823 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

I would kill for my boyfriend to do that for me! Romance is always good :-) Or maybe I just don't really put the internet over fun sexy time. Anyways, that was sweet of you OP.

Reply

your_face | 15

#4741037 - Friday 27 July 2012 18:47

"I'm bored."
"Me too."
"Wanna have sex?"
"Ooh, you're so romantic!"

By yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#4738825 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:14

I've always wondered what the world would come to if all devices were gone along with Internet

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#4739064 - Friday 27 July 2012 10:35

Complete chaos.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4739096 - Friday 27 July 2012 10:53

I would die. I have a mp3 player for a heart.
MY HEART'S A STERO---*shot*

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4739105 - Friday 27 July 2012 10:54

I would die. I have an MP3 player for a heart.
MY HEARTS A STEREO ---*shot*

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#4739118 - Friday 27 July 2012 11:04

Well, I guess copyright infringement would be put on the back burner.

Reply

nabee26 | 15

#4739394 - Friday 27 July 2012 12:59

Stero? FAIL

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4739695 - Friday 27 July 2012 15:15

Stereo*
Oy.

Reply

1blinktink | 4

#4743993 - Saturday 28 July 2012 11:42

Judging by this FML, there would be lots and lots of sex.

Reply

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#4744801 - Saturday 28 July 2012 19:20

Then that could lead to over population, eventually leading to the end of the world.. Oh god.

By tellithowitis | 13

#4738832 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:14

I'm guessing there weren't many sparks.
*runs out of room for use of a pun that doesn't make sense in this situation*

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#4738892 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:21

GET HIM!!!

Reply

dude1122332 | 9

#4739495 - Friday 27 July 2012 13:50

Can I get in on this?

Reply

MonsterCommenter | 4

#4739698 - Friday 27 July 2012 15:17

No. >:(

By tellithowitis | 13

#4738840 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:15

Guess there weren't many sparks...
*jumps out of window for use of pun that doesn't make any sense in this situation*

By JustKittyKat | 24

#4738858 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:16

That sounds like something my girl would do.
Hell, I'm being ignored for the internet Right Now.
At least wifi means porn. Problem solved?

By borkchop1992 | 15

#4738867 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:16

We've gone from real life whores to technology whores.

Reply

whogivesafuck88 | 10

#4743443 - Saturday 28 July 2012 6:55

Yeah but at least the only thing you can catch from a technology whore is a computer virus unlike real life whores