Love: Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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Understandable

Serious times

Empathy hurts

By Anonymous

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

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By augiedd - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after weeks of summoning up the courage to come out of the closet to my best friend, I told her I was gay. Immediately after she started cracking up, thinking it was a joke. I was so confused and nervous, I went along with it. She still thinks I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By stagedivefail - Australia

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By 4gottenmemories - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

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By fuck your music - United States - Hesperia

Doo doo doodoodoo doo doo

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

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By TheJuggla17 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

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By bosslady12 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By AgentRarity

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

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By frigid

Today, I found out my landlord is too cheap to turn up the hot water tank enough to have a comfortable shower. There's a huge padlock on the door, she won't budge, and I'm signed in until December. FML

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By Wallz99 - Pakistan - Plot

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

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By serialkillingex - Netherlands

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

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By lonely

Today, not only can I not get a real boyfriend, I can't even get one on the Sims. FML

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By ryan and Zack - United States

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. FML

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By muffin - Austria

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

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By Biggest Jerk - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 02:00

How d'you think?

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

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By Innocent

Today, I came home to a furious wife and an answering machine message from a woman neither of us know claiming I got her pregnant. My wife won't believe she got the wrong number. FML

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By WOW - Kenya

Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML

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By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

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By D.W.

Today, the new Apple update put all of the 100+ nudes I'd sent my boyfriend on his mother's phone because their accounts are linked. FML

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By Malíya - United States - Perth Amboy

Today, while riding the subway a homeless man got on asking for money. I went to give him a dollar but he refused because I was "of the Asian persuasion." FML

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By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

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By Upfront - United States - Denver

Today, I confronted my very passive-aggressive roommate about taking out the trash. With a smug smile, she insisted that I should write her a letter if I want to argue. FML

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By oh... - United States - Springfield

Today, I realized that when my dad said he would pay for my college, he really meant that he was going to forge my signature on a student loan in my name and not make payments on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

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By KaySchrages92 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

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By HeIsKindaRightTho - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4738806 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:12

*turns circuit breaker off*

"Aw damn, looks like the power's back off! Now, where were we?"

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#4738815 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

You were actually cock-blocked by the Internet? That's just plain backwards

COMMENTS

By k010sweetygurl | 5

#4738800 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:11

That sucks

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#4738860 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:16

Your comment sucks more. I just had to say it.

By DocBastard | 38

#4738806 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:12

*turns circuit breaker off*

"Aw damn, looks like the power's back off! Now, where were we?"

Reply

dead_insects | 18

#4738849 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:15

damn skippy!!! ^_^

Reply

dead_insects | 18

#4738873 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:18

damn skippy!! ^_^

Reply

theslimshadylp | 6

#4738916 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:24

Aww how cute

Reply

beccaishereyay | 11

#4738987 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:51

2 - smart man

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#4743832 - Saturday 28 July 2012 9:45

26, That's because DocBastard is a legend on this site and leaves some pretty funny, intelligent comments. They never get old :-).

Reply

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4745472 - Saturday 28 July 2012 23:35

Looks like you got sone competition!

By i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#4738815 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

You were actually cock-blocked by the Internet? That's just plain backwards

Reply

boofgall | 16

#4739000 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:59

Just go down on her, she'll quickly change her mind and drop her phone.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#4739378 - Friday 27 July 2012 12:52

Don't people usually get cock blocked by the Internet nowadays with porn?

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#4742227 - Saturday 28 July 2012 0:02

Only when it starts buffering

Reply

Thelnternet | 7

#4743895 - Saturday 28 July 2012 10:30

I'm sorry.

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4738817 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

That's when you turn the power off, and act like it went out again.

Reply

SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4738976 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:47

Well fuck.

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#4739290 - Friday 27 July 2012 12:19

You were beaten by a single minute. I'm thumbing you up because I know you didn't copy.

Reply

ZippandButtons | 7

#4746149 - Sunday 29 July 2012 3:59

Better luck next time.

By greeneyedpothead | 10

#4738823 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:13

I would kill for my boyfriend to do that for me! Romance is always good :-) Or maybe I just don't really put the internet over fun sexy time. Anyways, that was sweet of you OP.

Reply

your_face | 15

#4741037 - Friday 27 July 2012 18:47

"I'm bored."
"Me too."
"Wanna have sex?"
"Ooh, you're so romantic!"

By yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#4738825 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:14

I've always wondered what the world would come to if all devices were gone along with Internet

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#4739064 - Friday 27 July 2012 10:35

Complete chaos.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4739096 - Friday 27 July 2012 10:53

I would die. I have a mp3 player for a heart.
MY HEART'S A STERO---*shot*

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4739105 - Friday 27 July 2012 10:54

I would die. I have an MP3 player for a heart.
MY HEARTS A STEREO ---*shot*

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#4739118 - Friday 27 July 2012 11:04

Well, I guess copyright infringement would be put on the back burner.

Reply

nabee26 | 15

#4739394 - Friday 27 July 2012 12:59

Stero? FAIL

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4739695 - Friday 27 July 2012 15:15

Stereo*
Oy.

Reply

1blinktink | 4

#4743993 - Saturday 28 July 2012 11:42

Judging by this FML, there would be lots and lots of sex.

Reply

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#4744801 - Saturday 28 July 2012 19:20

Then that could lead to over population, eventually leading to the end of the world.. Oh god.

By tellithowitis | 13

#4738832 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:14

I'm guessing there weren't many sparks.
*runs out of room for use of a pun that doesn't make sense in this situation*

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#4738892 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:21

GET HIM!!!

Reply

dude1122332 | 9

#4739495 - Friday 27 July 2012 13:50

Can I get in on this?

Reply

MonsterCommenter | 4

#4739698 - Friday 27 July 2012 15:17

No. >:(

By tellithowitis | 13

#4738840 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:15

Guess there weren't many sparks...
*jumps out of window for use of pun that doesn't make any sense in this situation*

By JustKittyKat | 24

#4738858 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:16

That sounds like something my girl would do.
Hell, I'm being ignored for the internet Right Now.
At least wifi means porn. Problem solved?

By borkchop1992 | 15

#4738867 - Friday 27 July 2012 9:16

We've gone from real life whores to technology whores.

Reply

whogivesafuck88 | 10

#4743443 - Saturday 28 July 2012 6:55

Yeah but at least the only thing you can catch from a technology whore is a computer virus unlike real life whores