Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the... - FML

By uncool - 16/4/2011 06:11 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

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Rock, hard place

Boom, headshot

Risky business

By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - 27/4/2013 20:23 - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

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By disgusted - 19/9/2012 00:42 - United States - Herndon

Today, my dad's recycling went out of control. He now keeps a calendar of my periods, just to remind me to recycle the cardboard from my tampons. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 20:44 - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

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By Wally - 4/1/2010 17:52 - Mexico

Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

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By nonbelieber - 26/11/2012 00:55 - United States - Keenesburg

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 10:54 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 23:49 - United States - Eudora

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

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By laughing-stock - 2/9/2013 21:40 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2015 16:58 - United Kingdom - Exminster

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

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By meggs2209 - 12/1/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By hotmommy - 20/12/2010 00:23

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

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By sadddddd - 11/9/2011 01:54 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML

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By me - 30/4/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

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By WillaminaL - 20/1/2012 03:33 - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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By stillaproudfather - 22/5/2014 19:24 - United States

Today, my daughter admitted why her grades, which are usually straight A's, have been slipping the past few weeks. Turns out she has been deliberately failing tests to avoid becoming valedictorian, so she won't have to deliver a speech at graduation. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, I contemplated the ratio of cats I have to friends I have. I need more friends. FML

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By copenhagen20 - 5/3/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, I'm seven months into a twelve month deployment. I called my fiancée, and she dumped me. The worst part is that two days ago, I re-enlisted to go to a unit an hour away from her house. FML

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By ohhhjaymo13 - 5/2/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

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By piliseep - 7/6/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

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By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - 21/7/2015 06:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By NYCguy - 20/1/2010 03:59 - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

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By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2014 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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By Richard - 18/10/2017 13:23 - United States

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 17:48 - United States

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2014 15:23 - Australia

Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML

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By its dark - 7/1/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

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By birdiebeth13 - 10/4/2013 17:41 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By explanations - 14/6/2013 06:48 - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

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By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Don't know, don't care

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2018 20:30

Today, I, a man in his 40s, had to be taken to the hospital because I was laughing so hard at an old Disney movie that my diaphragm went into spasms. I stopped breathing and passed out for a few minutes and my son had to call an ambulance. FML

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By öKANEö - 2/2/2018 08:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 02:02

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By QuicksilverMaximoff - 30/1/2011 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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By damnit - 25/8/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 19:53 - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 13:47 - Austria - Vienna

Today, while reading 1984 on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

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Top comments

By Nimmrodel | 11

#2356892 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:16

He was doing his job and being nice at the same time. :)

By ElGranOrgo | 0

#2356894 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:17

happy birthday...

COMMENTS

By Nimmrodel | 11

#2356892 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:16

He was doing his job and being nice at the same time. :)

Reply

jannylam | 0

#2357269 - Saturday 16 April 2011 14:53

yeah true lol.

Reply

LunaNstars | 0

#2357502 - Saturday 16 April 2011 15:47

cops are people too :)

Reply

dirtyblond | 4

#2357834 - Saturday 16 April 2011 16:34

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! :D

Reply

eyez_lay_low1921 | 0

#2357904 - Saturday 16 April 2011 16:41

itz alright OP, itz my birthday as well and my parents seem to have forgotten. -_-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP.!

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#2358074 - Saturday 16 April 2011 17:06

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to OP and 45!!

Reply

dirtyblond | 4

#2358103 - Saturday 16 April 2011 17:14

HAAPPYY BIIRTHDAAY 45! :P

Reply

staceysgenesis16 | 0

#2358455 - Saturday 16 April 2011 18:12

Happy B-Day 45 and OP !! :D *throws confetti in the air* haha .. sorry thats the best i could do lmao

Reply

Rainbow_dumpster | 27

#2359434 - Saturday 16 April 2011 21:57

Aww. HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2 U AND OP.

Reply

funnyFMLSplz | 0

#2361064 - Sunday 17 April 2011 5:25

cha cha cha.

Reply

mimosa79 | 8

#2361612 - Sunday 17 April 2011 8:34

And at least she (op) didn't get arrested! take a note from Monty Python and "Look on the bright side of life!"

By ElGranOrgo | 0

#2356894 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:17

happy birthday...

Reply

DropDead77 | 11

#2356968 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:31

that's the spirit :)

By lifeisabitch2 | 0

#2356911 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:19

so u have no friends. YDI

Reply

thorscope | 0

#2357511 - Saturday 16 April 2011 15:49

it's 9 in the morinning were I live his friends probably arnt up yet

Reply

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#2357820 - Saturday 16 April 2011 16:32

Yeah I know. It's like "my friends didn't get up at 12 in the morning to wish me a happy birthday, FML" -.-

Reply

EvanM2894 | 1

#2360795 - Sunday 17 April 2011 3:51

31, 41, 48, It's already a different day. This was posted 49 minutes before the whole birthday ended.

OP: Happy birthday.

By RinnieRiot | 9

#2356914 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:19

Peopl can forget. We're human.

Reply

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2357249 - Saturday 16 April 2011 14:47

pretty big coincidence that everybody he knows for got......

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2357678 - Saturday 16 April 2011 16:15

Maybe some of her friends but not her parents..

Reply

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#2358082 - Saturday 16 April 2011 17:09

Maybe, it's too early. I live in Cali too, it's only 8:11 as of this comment and this post has been up for at least a couple of hours judging by the number of YDI and FYL votes there. So quit complaining OP, you'll get your Happy Birthday.

Reply

example947 | 0

#2358428 - Saturday 16 April 2011 18:06

two a7x's in one convenient location!

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#2358752 - Saturday 16 April 2011 19:29

I'm a person. but I'm not human. I'm a sex machine. but i still forget birthdays.. and anniversaries.. and condoms.. it happens

Reply

k3500 | 0

#2361411 - Sunday 17 April 2011 7:19

haha I like this

By Doortje | 28

#2356917 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:20

And that's probably your only birthday present, too.

Well eh, happy birthday.

By Miss_Michaela | 10

#2356921 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:22

Well, at least you got one. I mean, he could've not said Happy Birthday at all. ;)

By afdude87 | 6

#2356932 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:24

lol happy birthday. sorry about the ticket though :)

Reply

Emster689 | 0

#2357815 - Saturday 16 April 2011 16:32

happyy birthhdaayy...

By redbluegreen | 40

#2357009 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:45

Were you wearing your birthday suit?

Reply

abceasyas123abc | 12

#2357044 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:57

Haha

By NeatNit | 32

#2357018 - Saturday 16 April 2011 12:46

That would have sucked if it was your birthday! ;D

By tammy0312 | 6

#2357080 - Saturday 16 April 2011 13:23

hahaha! my husbands uncle is a detective so now he has a really handy gold card. When we get pulled over and the cops check our plates all they say is "Have a nice day!" hehehe

Reply

tammy0312 | 6

#2357089 - Saturday 16 April 2011 13:25

oh yeah and happy birthday, even though they're overrated.

Reply

jess2gd4u | 0

#2357576 - Saturday 16 April 2011 15:59

that's why ur countries justice system is a wrought.