Health: Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten...

By Anonymous - 04/04/2015 03:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 987

You deserved it 3 276

Health

Hiding from the drama

You tried

All over

By RawrSparkle - 21/09/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 030

You deserved it 14 283

By anonymus - 18/08/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 800

You deserved it 10 264

By Lo_Bolian - 25/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 600

You deserved it 3 398

By her0x3her0ine617 - 09/12/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 206

You deserved it 46 774

By swmmr - 07/08/2011 19:41 - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 395

You deserved it 14 066

By gymgirl - 17/12/2013 23:48 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 247

You deserved it 3 815

By superman_not - 10/06/2009 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to play the role of Superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 787

You deserved it 7 336

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 396

You deserved it 13 037

By notthenaughtymaid - 04/08/2014 21:54 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 492

You deserved it 4 331

By Loser - 01/11/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 560

You deserved it 4 612

By Why? - 05/11/2015 03:57 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 591

You deserved it 1 972

By Anonymous - 29/01/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 657

You deserved it 479

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 398

You deserved it 19 565

Stealth bomb

By gassy - 03/03/2021 21:01 - Australia - Morwell

Today, my boyfriend and I were setting up a desktop PC we'd bought second-hand. In the middle of this, he stopped, frowning, sniffed the air a few times and said we'd better give it a good dust, because it smelt like burning. I'd just farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 841

By mariama - 23/01/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 908

You deserved it 3 111

Spit or Swallow?

By buymeflavoredlube - 05/06/2018 05:00

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 581

You deserved it 918

By Kiddo - 02/09/2013 06:49 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 901

You deserved it 7 413

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 20:39 - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 848

You deserved it 3 861

Shady dealings

By CaptBlood - 04/05/2021 14:01

Today, my wife says she's not hiding money from me but I checked our joint bank account, which I no longer use, and find she's been transferring money in-and-out of 3 accounts, while taking money from me and getting payday loans to cover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 92

By DDD - 31/01/2009 15:04 - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 323

You deserved it 66 636

By Nick - 11/02/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 441

You deserved it 5 561

Thievery

By DeaazGurl - 22/01/2021 17:01

Today, the medicine I keep at my desk for headaches is now gone thanks to my coworker who took the last 6 Advil at once. Her reasoning? "You're thin, so you wouldn't need them anyway. I'm twice your size, so I needed twice the dose." FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 66

By James - 16/01/2012 04:17 - Australia

Today, my front house window was smashed. A note was left, saying 'I want my cat back'. I have no idea what they are talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 445

You deserved it 2 280

The more things change…

By J.O.S - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 073

You deserved it 9 501

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Kelsiiii - 11/03/2020 03:00

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 1 990

You got mail

By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/08/2018 14:30

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 311

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 16:30

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 840

By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 635

You deserved it 3 909

By Anonymous - 24/04/2018 15:00

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 801

You deserved it 406

By poop - 08/01/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 671

You deserved it 4 171

By myrie - 03/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand and gave me his contact card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 914

You deserved it 3 714

By sophistication - 21/08/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 100

You deserved it 3 216

By Jeff make - 01/04/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 366

You deserved it 34 404

Dangleberries

By myeyesburn - 28/10/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 152

By Anonymous - 02/02/2012 20:56 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 402

You deserved it 6 359

By vballqt201 - 21/06/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 343

You deserved it 17 255

By Anonymous - 30/08/2015 00:06 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 635

You deserved it 2 192

Stinky

By kmthomas91 - 11/05/2020 23:00

Today, after coming home, my apartment reeked of something fierce. Small animals frequently like to crawl under my apartment since I live next to a wooded area. Apparently, skunks are among those who like to visit, and Febreze isn't helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 119

By RatFailure - 11/01/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, I looked into my sink's garbage disposal for the first time since I moved in two months ago. Apparently, the putrid smell was not the food I've been throwing down it, but instead, a now what appears to be mutilated litter of rats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 437

You deserved it 3 730

By Anonymous - 21/06/2015 04:38 - United States - Harrison

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 222

You deserved it 2 363

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Top comments

ninjanick1911 14

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:22

Anytime you have to say "I'm not racist" you're probably gonna end up saying something racist

MCFX2 10

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:25

Hey, its like saying "no homo" before sucking someone's dick.

ninjanick1911 14

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:22

Anytime you have to say "I'm not racist" you're probably gonna end up saying something racist

Roskie 16

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:22

I'm not racist, but boxer briefs are the superior undergarment.

sonshadsil94 15

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:34

I'm not racist, but doctor pepper is the superior soda.

teentee401 36

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:44

The worst one I heard was "I'm not racist, but if there was only one black person left on earth, I would kill the black person just to make everything easier for everyone."

Vestin 18

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Sunday 5 April 2015 0:11

"I'm not a lawyer, but..."

BakedTaters 16

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Sunday 5 April 2015 2:39

I'm not racist, but pizza is good.

Jkolbly 11

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Monday 6 April 2015 9:57

The best one I've heard is "I'm not racist, but you have lovely eyes." Or something close to that.

nityasomaiya 46

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Monday 6 April 2015 15:43

I'm not racist but my shadow is black...

krad204 21

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:23

What a douche-fuck.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:53

Indeed, what a F**kass...

lexwilder 16

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:23

I'm confused as to why it was your fault

fred102 2

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:14

It wasnt... that's why there's an "i agree, your life sucks" button

ohSNAPyall 26

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Sunday 5 April 2015 3:44

Because he's his brother's keeper.

EzPzRamos 6

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Wednesday 23 November 2016 13:48

Because of guilt by association #3. People will see his fucktard brother and think he shares the same ideals

Yarecho 14

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:24

XD "Dipshit Brother"

MCFX2 10

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:25

Hey, its like saying "no homo" before sucking someone's dick.

Kazze 31

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:37

Hey now... If you whisper it in the guy's ear first, it's totally straight.

Thatepicperson 14

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Saturday 4 April 2015 22:32

It's only gay if your dicks touch. At least that's what my uncle tells me

rhysfucker 24

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Sunday 5 April 2015 2:14

Cousin Charlie?!?!?

ProfessorMctitie 20

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:27

should have slapped him and told him to stop

ligerzero459 24

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:27

Yeah, when someone starts a sentence with that, you know it's gonna end badly.

Sonjington 20

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:28

Ignorance is not bliss

marigoldcobain 21

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Saturday 4 April 2015 20:29

Wow, your brother IS a dipshit. But how did you get beaten up?

BoundBySpace 19

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:16

You don't just sit there and watch a brother get beaten up.. he probably got in and they both got shredded.

Badkarma4u 17

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Saturday 4 April 2015 21:38

Because some people believe its ok to physically assault someone for saying something they dont like. Racism is bad, but asssulting someone for saying racist things makes you just as bad as they are if not worse.

drunk_crow 12

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Saturday 4 April 2015 22:55

It's not just as bad. Assault is a crime, while racism is not.

RiseAboveSociety 3

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Sunday 5 April 2015 0:17

actually, racism IS a crime....its called a HATE crime

tbloom 5

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Sunday 5 April 2015 0:24

Only if you commit a crime motivated by racism. While racism is wrong, free speech is a first amendment right

xlord 27

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Sunday 5 April 2015 2:13

Fuck your amendment rights. Promoting hate and hostility is not a right!!!

kodaechan 6

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Sunday 5 April 2015 3:50

yeah you obviously don't know what free speech is #42...

archnarquibquib 21

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Sunday 5 April 2015 16:54

42: Free speech doesn't cover anything you can say. For instance, it doesn't protect you if you slander, make racist comments, or if you lie under oath (as you have to tell the truth). This is just a small sample of what it doesn't protect.

aecribb 14

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Monday 6 April 2015 8:39

While you do have the right to free speech under the first amendment, even the right to racist free speech, that doesn't mean that you are free from the consequences of that speech. It's called free speech because you can speak freely, not because your speech is free from consequences