Love: Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally...

By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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31737

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Love

BO Central

You ass!

Family matters

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

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By 3yrneveragainn

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

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36968

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By trgtyo - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

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47635

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By woohoo420 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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25753

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brantford

Thanks dad

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

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42789

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By Mug - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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28625

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By anonymous - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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38884

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By Anonymous - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML

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46255

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the friend I signed a lease with is actually a wanted drug dealer. I only found this out after the police kicked in the door at 5am and raided our house. FML

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By what... - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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41532

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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9700

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By pervert - United States

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

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10490

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By Sam - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

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29929

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By Anonymous

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

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1286

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253

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

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20781

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By Username - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

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30397

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By Noname - United States

Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

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60605

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By Anonymous

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

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13361

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By coloradoman - United States

Today, while flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a new born puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice ino my lap, and than coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulance. FML

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40435

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By battle1 - United States - Marietta

Creepy

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By academicloser - United States

Today, in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor, I emailed her, saying I was contemplating going to another school because I felt so helpless about my GPA, and was sure I wouldn't get my major. I asked for advice on raising it. She gave me instructions on how to drop out. FML

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28286

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By Anonymous - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me so I walked up to her and asked if everything was okay. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML

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3241

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By baby shak - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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By Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace - United States - Riverside

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Dodged a bullet

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her father looked me up and down, said, “No” then went back to his TV. My girlfriend immediately broke up with me and threw me out. I even had to get a really expensive taxi home, because we’d driven in her car and I had no idea what part of the city I was in. FML

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1591

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By Johntheladdo - United Kingdom

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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1870

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By Anonymous - Norway - Haugesund

Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML

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By Kay Jacline Salvatierra

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2014

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295

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By Foam - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went in to kiss me. He came in too aggressively and passionately and his front tooth knocked against mine. I am now missing a third of my right front tooth. Average cost for a dental crown? $900. FML

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33602

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By Backseatseller - New Zealand

Today, I was at work, and some people came in looking for a particular couch. After looking for over an hour on the wholesalers website my boss walks over, makes me take my lunch break and then calls over the couple and takes all the credit for the sale. We work on commission. FML

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44512

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By kellyem2

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

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20674

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By stuck - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

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16076

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By prdept. - France

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy. It was going great until his 6-year-old brother walked in and screamed so loudly it brought both of his parents running. FML

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40073

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By doggybag - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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12749

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By Narehs - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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Top comments

By schwancy | 2

#1480124 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:17

Maybe on your next date he'll have explosive diarrhea.

By p4r4d0x_fml | 0

#1480192 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:37

"Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?"
"I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."

COMMENTS

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1480073 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:09

For years? Creeper.

takeapieandrun | 9

#1480149 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:23

Looks like you'll have a great future together.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1480161 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:26

I know I will.

sarah48_fml | 0

#1480272 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:06

i'm guessing he knew you've liked him for years and he doesn't like you.. so to finally end this crush of yours he decided to take you out on a date and purposely act gross/ridiculous/whatever to end your obsession.. you deserve it for being a creeper

lionandthelamb61 | 9

#1480464 - Friday 1 October 2010 12:17

23, I like you're theory. Sounds like a situation straight out of My Bestfriends Girl, all she needs now is the hopeless guy friend to cough up 200 bucks to the guy and swoop in to rescue her from the date from hell.

TechnoTaco | 0

#1485323 - Saturday 2 October 2010 12:21

This was obviously a male seduction ritual! so he in conclusion likes her!

caboose261 | 0

#1485409 - Saturday 2 October 2010 12:48

What a ridiculous notion. If a male wants to initiate the seduction ritual he'll just go gangsta like all the other idiots in the world and talk about how great he is at everything lol