Love: Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally...

By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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Love

Proactive

There's no helping some people

Priorities

By LizGo - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 14:01

Put the booze down

Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By jessiluvxx - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 23:00

Remember socialising?

Today, because of this fucking virus I was really excited to actually talk to another person. FML

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By coloris

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By sam - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By MeanMother - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

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By footbloodfountain - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

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By sheWontbeOnMyZombieApocteam - United States - Killeen

Today, while walking home with my girlfriend we decided to take a shortcut in the woods. After hearing a huge noise, she pushed me and ran. FML

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By lalala - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

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By single again - United States - Chico

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

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By fml boy

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

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By Clueless - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 20:00

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By shibs - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By MikeyPeters - United States

Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By horny bastard - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

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By demonporn - 4/12/2020 11:01

Snitch

Today, I was riding home from church with my parents when my mom turned around and told me that this morning there was a demon in our living room, and the reason that demon was allowed inside of our house was because I've been watching porn. I'm grounded for 3 weeks because of an informative demon. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By mcdeez - New Zealand

Today, I had to cover for my coworker who didn't turn up for work. He is always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again so I said to my colleagues "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

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By Dr.Octopus454 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

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By smdh - United States

Ghost in the machine

Today, my mother told me that my dead grandmother speaks to her. How? When she's thinking of her while brushing her teeth, her electric toothbrush will suddenly stop buzzing and this tells her her mother is communicating with her. FML

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By Ashton Sprunger - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

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By coeurdlucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By fishoutofwater - United States - Radcliff

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

Suffer little chives

Today, I found out where the puddle in the basement came from. I thought the freezer was broken, but no. My mom is running what can only be called a death camp for vegetables in there. She buys them, then forgets about them until they turn liquid. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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By tortureromoretorture - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

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By parent

Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML

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By JackG - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

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Top comments

By schwancy | 2

#1480124 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:17

Maybe on your next date he'll have explosive diarrhea.

By p4r4d0x_fml | 0

#1480192 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:37

"Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?"
"I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."

COMMENTS

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1480073 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:09

For years? Creeper.

takeapieandrun | 9

#1480149 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:23

Looks like you'll have a great future together.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1480161 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:26

I know I will.

sarah48_fml | 0

#1480272 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:06

i'm guessing he knew you've liked him for years and he doesn't like you.. so to finally end this crush of yours he decided to take you out on a date and purposely act gross/ridiculous/whatever to end your obsession.. you deserve it for being a creeper

lionandthelamb61 | 9

#1480464 - Friday 1 October 2010 12:17

23, I like you're theory. Sounds like a situation straight out of My Bestfriends Girl, all she needs now is the hopeless guy friend to cough up 200 bucks to the guy and swoop in to rescue her from the date from hell.

TechnoTaco | 0

#1485323 - Saturday 2 October 2010 12:21

This was obviously a male seduction ritual! so he in conclusion likes her!

caboose261 | 0

#1485409 - Saturday 2 October 2010 12:48

What a ridiculous notion. If a male wants to initiate the seduction ritual he'll just go gangsta like all the other idiots in the world and talk about how great he is at everything lol