Love: Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me...

By Anonymous - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

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Love

Thanks, I hate it

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Mixology

By lonely otaku - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

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By blinded - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was sad, but the only thing my mom could say was, "You should have waited until I got him to mow the lawn." FML

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By greaaaatt. - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Carribean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

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By pinecones - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

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By trex_life - 14/3/2021 20:00

Chill out, Bugs

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

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By chickenshit4 - United States - Pine Ridge

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 02:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Where you been?

Today, my boyfriend noticed a bruise on my hip. Apparently, he would rather believe i'm cheating on him, rather that I'm terribly clumsy at work. FML

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By Geez - Netherlands

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daytona Beach

Anti Joke

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By BroadwayBaby1997 - United States - Mission

Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML

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9334

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

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By DBZ - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By Lonely At Griffith

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 07:57 - Germany - Zittau

Puke is good for you

Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML

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689

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By but i make different stiffies - United States - Parker

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

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By ConstructionLady - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

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By thatescalatedquickly - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

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By IloveJapan - Japan

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

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30356

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By Red Toad - 26/12/2020 20:59 - United States - Litchfield Park

Holiday assumptions

Today, I said a few words to my mom that happened to be similar to something offensive, and she misheard. I tried to tell her, but she was so angry that she assumed I was saying more offensive things. Now she is punishing everybody in the house, and I’m not allowed to speak to her. FML

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756

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By gb - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

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By xXEndlesslullabyXx - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By dusk - United States

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my son turned 8. We watched as he unwrapped a $55 Nerf gun, extra 'bullets', new shoes and a school bag with his favorite TV character on the front and a action figure inside. As he finished he looked me straight in the eyes and says, "That's great ma, but seriously what'd you get me?". FML

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By the un-loved child - United States - Salida

Today, my mom confessed to loving my "little sister" more than she loves me. My "little sister" is the family dog. FML

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By esk - China

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By Rita - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my academic counselor to help me deal with my stress and anxiety, which has been making me nauseous from the constant strain. She suggested exercise to help these feelings. Every time I do so, I vomit. From the anxiety and stress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

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By savanna - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By probablyfired

Today, I was running late for work. I was trying to find my car keys, then realized I'd left them in my boyfriend's car. My phone charger was locked in my car, and my phone was dead. I couldn’t get hold of my boss and explain what had happened. I’m fired, aren’t I? FML

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Top comments

By Dilexar | 26

#6683121 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:02

fuck, that's gotta sting. I guess you're kinda screwed, unless you are okay with just being his friend. sorry OP. that blows.

By almost_there44 | 26

#6683126 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:11

Did he ask you out as a friend or as something more? Seems to me like he did it just to be nice and not as a, "I'm trying to be with you," kind of thing. Hopefully it was. If not, forget about him. You never want to be the other woman.

COMMENTS

By MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6683120 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:02

Well, I think he might be trying to play "hard to get" idk though.

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6683128 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:15

Bad comment, sorry, I was just rushing, my fault! I'll actually try not to be a dick next time!

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6683244 - Sunday 4 September 2016 7:58

Agreed!

By Dilexar | 26

#6683121 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:02

fuck, that's gotta sting. I guess you're kinda screwed, unless you are okay with just being his friend. sorry OP. that blows.

By epicgamer | 18

#6683122 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:06

Why would he take you out to lunch then?

Welshite | 39

#6683130 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:21

#3: Does that mean I'm asking to participate in an orgy whenever I go to lunch with a group of coworkers? HR will be dancing with malicious glee.

needagoodlaugh | 34

#6683137 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:46

A person is not allowed to take a friend to lunch? Guess I better stop going to lunch with my friends and co-workers.

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6683124 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:07

Best of luck OP!!

By Tarlachia | 33

#6683125 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:09

Sorry, my bullshit meter is going off. I'd think he's indecisive about who he likes so he's trying to see if he wants to dump her and be with you.

By almost_there44 | 26

#6683126 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:11

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6683127 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:13

You may have gotten lucky. Relationships with coworkers are iffy at best.

By RichardPencil | 30

#6683131 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:23

Maybe you should start to convince him how amazing threesomes are.

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#6683134 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:35

I don't usually encourage this but life's too short. go for it girl!

soullyfe | 33

#6683136 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:45

12: Telling someone to mess up someone's relationship should never be encouraged in the first place.

By Nat52482 | 25

#6683138 - Sunday 4 September 2016 2:00

ya know, the guy doesn't always have to be the one to ask first. you should have asked him to do stuff sooner since you like him. sucks that it happened to you but didn't stop me from hitting both votes.