Love: Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me...

By Anonymous - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

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Love

Out of it

Small town blues

No smoking

By Kelsey Dynes - 6/4/2020 17:00

Meat Market

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor had to examine my abdomen. I'm generally a pretty fit woman. After touching my abdomen, my doctor called me "the perfect specimen" and asked me if I was single because his son is also single. FML

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By Anonymous

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

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By Proprepourtant - France

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

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By Aether - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By likwidsol - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

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By axel519 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By sportyhusband - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By cootiequeen - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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By kodijack - United States

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

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By looke27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

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By outofluckdude - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a group of friends when I got into a conversation with this really attractive girl who I've liked for months. She asked me what school I go to. I sit to her left in biology. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

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45318

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By really - United States - Knoxville

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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By antisocial - Canada

Today, I told my parents that I wasn't feeling very social and up for company. How do they try to make me feel better? By inviting a whole bunch of people I don't know to a pool party at my house. They said I should face my fears. I'm now in my room, hiding. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By the-yao - United States

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

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By MollyMoodle7 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 20:00

Secret life

Today, the phone rang, it was some woman who wanted to speak to my dad. “It’s probably his mistress,” I said jokingly. Turns out it was. FML

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By ohai95 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML

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By mrs.nerd - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting intimate when a notification for a game popped up on his iPad. He immediately shoved me aside so he could take care of his baby dragon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cass Lake

Today, my boss told me I got my new job because she rejected candidates that seemed "too confident" or "too pretty." FML

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By all shat out - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By Oja1 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Elk Grove

Slasher

Today, I made some burritos when a photo frame fell and smashed over my pan. I'm pretty broke so I thought I got all the glass out of the meat and ate some. I reheated the meat for dinner too and well, I found the glass that time... FML

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By Anonynommer - United States - Holyoke

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By grrrr - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

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Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

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Top comments

By Dilexar | 26

#6683121 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:02

fuck, that's gotta sting. I guess you're kinda screwed, unless you are okay with just being his friend. sorry OP. that blows.

By almost_there44 | 26

#6683126 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:11

Did he ask you out as a friend or as something more? Seems to me like he did it just to be nice and not as a, "I'm trying to be with you," kind of thing. Hopefully it was. If not, forget about him. You never want to be the other woman.

COMMENTS

By MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6683120 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:02

Well, I think he might be trying to play "hard to get" idk though.

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6683128 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:15

Bad comment, sorry, I was just rushing, my fault! I'll actually try not to be a dick next time!

MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6683244 - Sunday 4 September 2016 7:58

Agreed!

By Dilexar | 26

#6683121 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:02

fuck, that's gotta sting. I guess you're kinda screwed, unless you are okay with just being his friend. sorry OP. that blows.

By epicgamer | 18

#6683122 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:06

Why would he take you out to lunch then?

Welshite | 39

#6683130 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:21

#3: Does that mean I'm asking to participate in an orgy whenever I go to lunch with a group of coworkers? HR will be dancing with malicious glee.

needagoodlaugh | 34

#6683137 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:46

A person is not allowed to take a friend to lunch? Guess I better stop going to lunch with my friends and co-workers.

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6683124 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:07

Best of luck OP!!

By Tarlachia | 33

#6683125 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:09

Sorry, my bullshit meter is going off. I'd think he's indecisive about who he likes so he's trying to see if he wants to dump her and be with you.

By almost_there44 | 26

#6683126 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:11

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6683127 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:13

You may have gotten lucky. Relationships with coworkers are iffy at best.

By RichardPencil | 29

#6683131 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:23

Maybe you should start to convince him how amazing threesomes are.

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#6683134 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:35

I don't usually encourage this but life's too short. go for it girl!

soullyfe | 33

#6683136 - Sunday 4 September 2016 1:45

12: Telling someone to mess up someone's relationship should never be encouraged in the first place.

By Nat52482 | 25

#6683138 - Sunday 4 September 2016 2:00

ya know, the guy doesn't always have to be the one to ask first. you should have asked him to do stuff sooner since you like him. sucks that it happened to you but didn't stop me from hitting both votes.