Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house...

By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32628

2585

Love

It wasn't me

Crushed

Vampires are everywhere

By CastAway - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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48547

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By Clorpy

#priceless

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

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5863

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370

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By why? - United States

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

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32866

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6378

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By reckless182 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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58014

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 yr old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

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11683

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By Gaylord - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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13711

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By f*ckingdisgusted - United States

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

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34530

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 05:03

The other stage of grief

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is freaky. At her grandad's funeral, she got so upset she had to leave the room, only to drag me into the priest's office for a quick blowjob. Apparently, death turns her on. I had oral sex at a funeral. I’m going to Hell for sure. FML

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977

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428

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By skyplaysguitar - United States - Las Cruces

Today, due to my boyfriend teasing me about me possibly having been conceived on a beach because I was born in Hawaii, I finally asked my mom if I really was. She said no, but then told me in detail how much sex on a beach hurts when you get sand up your ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29960

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By adamwilcockson - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36777

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By Hi, I'm Heather - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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37004

You deserved it

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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7197

You deserved it

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By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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3269

You deserved it

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By WTF - United States

Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML

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32121

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By reallyhighschool - United States - Torrance

Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML

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45897

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By pubquizgenius - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

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8813

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By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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38319

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

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56612

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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5682

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By FitnessFirst - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

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20054

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

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58655

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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52107

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By jenA - United States - Russellville

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

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26754

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By robbed - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

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By Moimoi78 - Australia - Eatons Hill

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

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By clapping_for_you

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

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3121

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By Scared - United States

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

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9526

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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3630

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By pvtcab - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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30985

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By dwellswithin - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

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52369

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By Vitani_Verci

Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

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By Anonymous

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

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2160

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By ReallyBro - United States - Keller

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

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37297

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By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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27809

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

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64628

You deserved it

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By Semius

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1999

You deserved it

143

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By zAstonish - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML

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By jakeeey - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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40030

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Top comments

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6403752 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

By Halpak | 16

#6403765 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

COMMENTS

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6403752 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

ImAFaker | 29

#6403815 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:44

Not gonna help. She already knows where he lives

conman531 | 23

#6403866 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:45

The house is no more don't you see? Leave it behind and run!

nomnomthebunny | 13

#6404020 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:54

dont stop either

brenton490 | 19

#6404098 - Monday 7 September 2015 9:56

Fly you fool!

By tehman117 | 21

#6403753 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

Boy was she suprised when you slamed the door in her face

By Xelthen | 10

#6403757 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

She's one of those faster paced girls. You know, kissing on the first date, moving in on the second.

TeasinDaNoobs | 16

#6403781 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:23

Actually itd be moving in on the third, OP said they already went on two dates

Thebestinclass | 16

#6403833 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:59

So is being stupid a hobby, or a full time job?

alexanderavatar | 24

#6403859 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:31

that deserves top comment

TonierShadow | 19

#6403873 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:02

Shipoopi

YourOpinionSucks | 22

#6403923 - Monday 7 September 2015 3:34

Dammit 36, I just shot water out of my nose in a public place laughing at your comment. Well played.

allieah11 | 6

#6404078 - Monday 7 September 2015 8:18

Married on the 3rd

whatarethisss | 22

#6404338 - Monday 7 September 2015 17:24

kids on fourth.

tantanpanda | 26

#6404607 - Monday 7 September 2015 21:19

psycho accusations of cheating on the fifth.

valalvax | 13

#6405885 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 15:59

I'm pretty sure that's 3 days before the first #111

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6407196 - Thursday 10 September 2015 23:24

divorce for no reason after 3 days.

By aredvulpix | 23

#6403763 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:14

Crazy bitch. Run

By Halpak | 16

#6403765 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#6403996 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:21

Depends on who you ask.

Dave_Davington | 33

#6404101 - Monday 7 September 2015 10:01

The rest of their lives will be one big third date.

scyth3s | 13

#6404507 - Monday 7 September 2015 19:49

Moving on is the third date!

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6403768 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

That's... Unusual.

By beeferjay | 34

#6403769 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

broke hos need love too

SnowxSakura | 17

#6403872 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:01

But they gotta pa....oh wait

By corky1992 | 33

#6403772 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:19

Think it may be time to move and to get a restraining order. That's just creepy.

By teapotrevolt | 27

#6403773 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Wow! That's a shade too fast for my liking. Bet she felt silly!

Shadowvoid | 33

#6404051 - Monday 7 September 2015 7:13

She's fifty shades of cray (cray)

By khorstmye | 15

#6403775 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Stage 5 clinger

bapbap_fml | 15

#6403836 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:01

I think this woman may be starting her own class: Stage 6 clinger.

DaRito | 25

#6403879 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:09

Stage 7 clinger, even.

Thebestinclass | 16

#6403992 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:13

Stage 981 clinger, is more like it.