Valentine's slay, Engagement-phobic and Love: Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house...

06/09/2015 05:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 673

You deserved it 2 587

Valentine's slay Engagement-phobic Love

Walk the line

Bad day

Slow moving accident

24/02/2013 01:42 - United States - Royersford

Today, my very conservative mom met my girlfriend, who recently shaved her head in support of her best friend, who has cancer. My girlfriend looks beautiful and feminine even with her still very short hair. My mom, however, keeps insisting that I'm dating "a confused transgender". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 204

You deserved it 2 658

04/02/2015 21:49 - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 574

You deserved it 3 820

03/06/2017 22:00

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 448

You deserved it 1 855

09/07/2011 04:48 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 157

You deserved it 7 394

10/03/2015 18:43 - Poland

Today, after years of providing daily various home-made colourful meals for three kids and a husband, I was asked to "cook something cool, like instant hamburgers, not that lame healthy shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 059

You deserved it 4 992

17/02/2010 08:15 - Australia

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 920

You deserved it 8 314

17/01/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I printed my 10 page econometrics problem set questions out on $15/100 sheet ivory resume paper that I'd accidentally left in the paper tray on my printer. It turned out to be the wrong assignment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 659

You deserved it 18 509

23/11/2012 06:14 - United States - Kent

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 483

You deserved it 15 867

31/03/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 713

You deserved it 6 955

RIP

By funnnyyyyy -_- - 01/08/2015 08:29 - Nepal - Kathmandu

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 817

You deserved it 6 485

10/01/2011 13:23 - Canada

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 135

You deserved it 3 740

04/12/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving that I was denied. About 15 minutes later, I overheard the person that denied my request talking with another agent, who put their request in today, that they were granted the holiday off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 818

You deserved it 2 125

11/10/2017 04:30

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 568

You deserved it 597

26/12/2010 23:36

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 994

You deserved it 2 473

10/09/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 290

You deserved it 274 786

17/01/2010 16:22 - Austria

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend, who I've dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 878

You deserved it 3 058

Stalker vibes

By porkieworkie - 21/04/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, after getting off the phone with a girl I'm interested in, I parked on campus and ate my lunch in the car. As I was sitting there, she appeared out of nowhere and walked to her car. I was parked directly behind her car, sitting there like a creepy ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 647

You deserved it 9 244

Smooth moves

By ouch - 25/03/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 877

You deserved it 26 207

There you are

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 471

You deserved it 3 597

29/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 156

You deserved it 53 688

03/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 003

You deserved it 8 228

30/10/2011 20:15 - United States

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 326

You deserved it 17 088

It never rains…

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 17:01

Today, it's my ninth day off work. I should have been back 4 days ago, but whilst resting a swollen knee at home, I got a hair stuck in my eye so badly that I had to go to A&E at 4 a.m. to get it taken out. Now work won't let me come back until the resulting conjunctivitis clears up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 101

04/07/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 908

You deserved it 5 207

25/07/2012 19:46 - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 529

You deserved it 2 536

11/05/2012 21:23 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 720

You deserved it 3 115

06/11/2008 09:41 - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 459

You deserved it 12 758

17/10/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 785

You deserved it 4 047

26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 972

You deserved it 4 689

16/09/2014 05:04 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 330

You deserved it 3 270

12/05/2012 04:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 245

You deserved it 53 952

12/10/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 289

You deserved it 13 347

07/02/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 431

You deserved it 44 010

13/05/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 437

You deserved it 28 284

Are you calling me a fatass?

By Asl94 - 16/01/2021 05:01

Today, my mom asked me what I wanted as a gift, so I said a Cricut machine. She replied, "You don’t need exercise equipment, you need to eat healthier." A Cricut is a sticker maker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 109

11/06/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 618

You deserved it 7 712

29/11/2016 21:51

Today, my crush was giving a presentation in class. I zoned out and began staring off into space - which happened to be in the exact direction of his crotch. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly looked up at his face. He was already looking at me, with an expression of severe discomfort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 035

You deserved it 1 862

26/09/2014 21:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 929

You deserved it 3 741

06/06/2017 22:00

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 775

You deserved it 614

19/08/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 566

You deserved it 40 474

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Top comments

Seabass_Chan 33

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

Halpak 16

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

Seabass_Chan 33

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

ImAFaker 29

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:44

Not gonna help. She already knows where he lives

conman531 23

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Monday 7 September 2015 1:45

The house is no more don't you see? Leave it behind and run!

nomnomthebunny 13

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Monday 7 September 2015 5:54

dont stop either

brenton490 19

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Monday 7 September 2015 9:56

Fly you fool!

tehman117 21

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

Boy was she suprised when you slamed the door in her face

Xelthen 10

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

She's one of those faster paced girls. You know, kissing on the first date, moving in on the second.

TeasinDaNoobs 16

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:23

Actually itd be moving in on the third, OP said they already went on two dates

Thebestinclass 16

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:59

So is being stupid a hobby, or a full time job?

alexanderavatar 24

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Monday 7 September 2015 1:31

that deserves top comment

TonierShadow 19

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Monday 7 September 2015 2:02

Shipoopi

YourOpinionSucks 22

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Monday 7 September 2015 3:34

Dammit 36, I just shot water out of my nose in a public place laughing at your comment. Well played.

allieah11 6

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Monday 7 September 2015 8:18

Married on the 3rd

whatarethisss 23

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Monday 7 September 2015 17:24

kids on fourth.

tantanpanda 26

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Monday 7 September 2015 21:19

psycho accusations of cheating on the fifth.

valalvax 13

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 15:59

I'm pretty sure that's 3 days before the first #111

PhinIt2WinIt 24

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Thursday 10 September 2015 23:24

divorce for no reason after 3 days.

aredvulpix 23

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:14

Crazy bitch. Run

Halpak 16

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

Demon_of_Light 27

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Monday 7 September 2015 5:21

Depends on who you ask.

Dave_Davington 33

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Monday 7 September 2015 10:01

The rest of their lives will be one big third date.

scyth3s 13

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Monday 7 September 2015 19:49

Moving on is the third date!

HrothgarXII 21

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

That's... Unusual.

beeferjay 34

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

broke hos need love too

SnowxSakura 17

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Monday 7 September 2015 2:01

But they gotta pa....oh wait

corky1992 33

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:19

Think it may be time to move and to get a restraining order. That's just creepy.

teapotrevolt 27

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Wow! That's a shade too fast for my liking. Bet she felt silly!

Shadowvoid 33

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Monday 7 September 2015 7:13

She's fifty shades of cray (cray)

khorstmye 15

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Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Stage 5 clinger

bapbap_fml 15

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Monday 7 September 2015 1:01

I think this woman may be starting her own class: Stage 6 clinger.

DaRito 25

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Monday 7 September 2015 2:09

Stage 7 clinger, even.

Thebestinclass 16

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Monday 7 September 2015 5:13

Stage 981 clinger, is more like it.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 119

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 136

RIP

Stalker vibes

Smooth moves

There you are

It never rains…

Are you calling me a fatass?

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