Valentine's slay, Engagement-phobic and Love: Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house...

By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

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Love

Mother of the year

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Narcissistic parents

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML

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By riahta - United States

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By iusedprotectionanyway - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

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By Job Seeking - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2021 09:01 - Canada - Niagara-on-the-lake

Family issues

Today, I found out from my ex-stepmother that my dad and lied about having cancer to cover up the fact that he was losing weight from doing drugs again. He lied about it for 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was feeling sick so I decided to lay down. As soon as I did, I felt the sudden urge to throw up, so I ran to the bathroom. When I bent over the toilet to throw up, my glasses fell in along with my vomit. Before I had a chance to retrieve them, I threw up again. And again. FML

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By Stickerless - United States

Today, I was pulled over for not having my car inspection up to date. I had my car inspected two weeks earlier. Since I'm at college my sticker was mailed to my home. My mother didn't want to pay the 42cent postage so now I have to pay $250.00 because my mother is cheap. FML

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By dad, please - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

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By Jane - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

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By Tygastyle - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Bank

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am not a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

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By ckatia - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By NotSoSexy - United States

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

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By buccaneer - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By .... - United States - Geneva

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

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By xmelissadavisx

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

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By fuckMYlife94321 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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By cantgetitupcantgetiton - United States

Quickie

Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML

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By englishornah - United States - Somerset

Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

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By Morgan - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

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By Olorin - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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By Bananapi

Today, my flatmate moved in with me. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, so did her mother. FML

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By Meow - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

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By JackSteely

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my mother asking me if I was okay. Confused, I asked her what she meant. She then told me that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

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By Shannon - United States - Dearborn

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

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By dogbait - France

Today, my neighbor's dog bit me, it was extremely painful. The gash in my leg was deep and bleeding like crazy. When I finally got into my house screaming in agonizing pain, my mother said "Quit bitching, walk it off and you'll be fine." My leg is purple now. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

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Top comments

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6403752 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

By Halpak | 16

#6403765 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

COMMENTS

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6403752 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

ImAFaker | 29

#6403815 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:44

Not gonna help. She already knows where he lives

conman531 | 23

#6403866 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:45

The house is no more don't you see? Leave it behind and run!

nomnomthebunny | 13

#6404020 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:54

dont stop either

brenton490 | 19

#6404098 - Monday 7 September 2015 9:56

Fly you fool!

By tehman117 | 21

#6403753 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

Boy was she suprised when you slamed the door in her face

By Xelthen | 10

#6403757 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

She's one of those faster paced girls. You know, kissing on the first date, moving in on the second.

TeasinDaNoobs | 16

#6403781 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:23

Actually itd be moving in on the third, OP said they already went on two dates

Thebestinclass | 16

#6403833 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:59

So is being stupid a hobby, or a full time job?

alexanderavatar | 24

#6403859 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:31

that deserves top comment

TonierShadow | 19

#6403873 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:02

Shipoopi

YourOpinionSucks | 22

#6403923 - Monday 7 September 2015 3:34

Dammit 36, I just shot water out of my nose in a public place laughing at your comment. Well played.

allieah11 | 6

#6404078 - Monday 7 September 2015 8:18

Married on the 3rd

whatarethisss | 22

#6404338 - Monday 7 September 2015 17:24

kids on fourth.

tantanpanda | 26

#6404607 - Monday 7 September 2015 21:19

psycho accusations of cheating on the fifth.

valalvax | 13

#6405885 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 15:59

I'm pretty sure that's 3 days before the first #111

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6407196 - Thursday 10 September 2015 23:24

divorce for no reason after 3 days.

By aredvulpix | 23

#6403763 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:14

Crazy bitch. Run

By Halpak | 16

#6403765 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#6403996 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:21

Depends on who you ask.

Dave_Davington | 33

#6404101 - Monday 7 September 2015 10:01

The rest of their lives will be one big third date.

scyth3s | 13

#6404507 - Monday 7 September 2015 19:49

Moving on is the third date!

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6403768 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

That's... Unusual.

By beeferjay | 34

#6403769 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

broke hos need love too

SnowxSakura | 17

#6403872 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:01

But they gotta pa....oh wait

By corky1992 | 33

#6403772 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:19

Think it may be time to move and to get a restraining order. That's just creepy.

By teapotrevolt | 27

#6403773 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Wow! That's a shade too fast for my liking. Bet she felt silly!

Shadowvoid | 33

#6404051 - Monday 7 September 2015 7:13

She's fifty shades of cray (cray)

By khorstmye | 15

#6403775 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Stage 5 clinger

bapbap_fml | 15

#6403836 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:01

I think this woman may be starting her own class: Stage 6 clinger.

DaRito | 25

#6403879 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:09

Stage 7 clinger, even.

Thebestinclass | 16

#6403992 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:13

Stage 981 clinger, is more like it.