Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house...

By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 05:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

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Love

The student becomes the master

Child labor

Business savvy

By pokeballbra - 17/10/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

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By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 20:22 - United States

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

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By MrMagicMan000 - 25/8/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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By oops... - 19/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, as a frog biologist I was out in the field searching for a relatively rare frog species. After three hours I finally heard the frog call and I crept closer and closer to the sound until... squish... I stepped on the very frog I was trying to collect. They're endangered. FML

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By Rusty - 18/6/2015 02:07 - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By this sucks - 5/8/2013 04:00 - United States - El Paso

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

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By choke on a dick, sir - 1/11/2013 22:47 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

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By littlelottie - 17/1/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

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By arctic1 - 27/5/2009 09:45 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2015 23:08 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00

Not so special

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 10:29 - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

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By dwek - 15/5/2009 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

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By - 24/12/2019 18:00

Just a formality

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I said yes and he gave me an engagement ring. He immediately went to call his mom to tell her the happy news. After the phone call, he asked if he could return the ring because his mom needed money. FML

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By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

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By Xena - 25/8/2017 04:30

Today, I was at our hotel waiting for my husband to finish his shower so we could have our anniversary dinner, when hotel security forcefully removed me from the building because they do not allow "prostitutes" to look for clients on their property. They thought I was a hooker. FML

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By cc - 24/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By ShittyWalls - 9/3/2013 13:35 - United States - Moorestown

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

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By walker - 6/7/2013 04:17 - United States

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

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By Unlucky - 24/5/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

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By Johnny - 19/12/2012 23:33 - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

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By randa - 19/4/2011 06:38

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

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By holler - 15/9/2011 04:22 - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - 22/8/2012 15:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By gutted - 7/5/2012 02:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2012 19:17 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 12:23 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 20:05 - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2012 20:56 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic - 1/6/2017 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By Damn.... - 28/1/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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By LagSwitchFTW - 25/1/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

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By thecathater - 9/7/2013 13:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

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By steph - 1/6/2009 04:50 - Canada

Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML

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By Riskreh - 23/9/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By williebees - 28/11/2012 17:43 - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

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By slingshot - 7/9/2010 05:53 - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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Top comments

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6403752 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

By Halpak | 16

#6403765 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

COMMENTS

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6403752 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:12

Run fast, run far.

ImAFaker | 29

#6403815 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:44

Not gonna help. She already knows where he lives

conman531 | 23

#6403866 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:45

The house is no more don't you see? Leave it behind and run!

nomnomthebunny | 13

#6404020 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:54

dont stop either

brenton490 | 19

#6404098 - Monday 7 September 2015 9:56

Fly you fool!

By tehman117 | 21

#6403753 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

Boy was she suprised when you slamed the door in her face

By Xelthen | 10

#6403757 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:13

She's one of those faster paced girls. You know, kissing on the first date, moving in on the second.

TeasinDaNoobs | 16

#6403781 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:23

Actually itd be moving in on the third, OP said they already went on two dates

Thebestinclass | 16

#6403833 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:59

So is being stupid a hobby, or a full time job?

alexanderavatar | 24

#6403859 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:31

that deserves top comment

TonierShadow | 19

#6403873 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:02

Shipoopi

YourOpinionSucks | 22

#6403923 - Monday 7 September 2015 3:34

Dammit 36, I just shot water out of my nose in a public place laughing at your comment. Well played.

allieah11 | 6

#6404078 - Monday 7 September 2015 8:18

Married on the 3rd

whatarethisss | 22

#6404338 - Monday 7 September 2015 17:24

kids on fourth.

tantanpanda | 26

#6404607 - Monday 7 September 2015 21:19

psycho accusations of cheating on the fifth.

valalvax | 13

#6405885 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 15:59

I'm pretty sure that's 3 days before the first #111

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6407196 - Thursday 10 September 2015 23:24

divorce for no reason after 3 days.

By aredvulpix | 23

#6403763 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:14

Crazy bitch. Run

By Halpak | 16

#6403765 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:16

I'm going to guess that there won't be a third date.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#6403996 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:21

Depends on who you ask.

Dave_Davington | 33

#6404101 - Monday 7 September 2015 10:01

The rest of their lives will be one big third date.

scyth3s | 13

#6404507 - Monday 7 September 2015 19:49

Moving on is the third date!

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6403768 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

That's... Unusual.

By beeferjay | 34

#6403769 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:17

broke hos need love too

SnowxSakura | 17

#6403872 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:01

But they gotta pa....oh wait

By corky1992 | 33

#6403772 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:19

Think it may be time to move and to get a restraining order. That's just creepy.

By teapotrevolt | 27

#6403773 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Wow! That's a shade too fast for my liking. Bet she felt silly!

Shadowvoid | 33

#6404051 - Monday 7 September 2015 7:13

She's fifty shades of cray (cray)

By khorstmye | 15

#6403775 - Monday 7 September 2015 0:21

Stage 5 clinger

bapbap_fml | 15

#6403836 - Monday 7 September 2015 1:01

I think this woman may be starting her own class: Stage 6 clinger.

DaRito | 25

#6403879 - Monday 7 September 2015 2:09

Stage 7 clinger, even.

Thebestinclass | 16

#6403992 - Monday 7 September 2015 5:13

Stage 981 clinger, is more like it.