Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper... - FML

By bubblensuds1 - 28/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31610

You deserved it

3069

Tweet

Share

DINOSAURS!!

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Weird kid

By honor sucks - 27/11/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, I lost a huge bet with my friends. I had to either post a sexual message on my mom's Facebook wall confessing my "love" for her, or be ratted out for cheating on a school test earlier in the year. Now I'm considered a freak by half my school, and am indefinitely grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8987

You deserved it

44802

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 6/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32372

You deserved it

3696

Tweet

Share

By Fuckit - 28/5/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42357

You deserved it

6229

Tweet

Share

By jobless - 20/1/2009 16:52 - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28955

You deserved it

12910

Tweet

Share

By handi-crap - 5/1/2010 17:28 - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6981

You deserved it

78377

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 16:00 - United States - Cranford

Today, despite seeing her every weekend, her not telling me her work schedule, and her having ignored me every time she gets a boyfriend, my sister is upset that I "don't make more of an effort to see her." Sorry, I'm trying to not rely on people who hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1527

You deserved it

128

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 21:33 - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47091

You deserved it

6507

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/4/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26805

You deserved it

5173

Tweet

Share

By thanks a lot mom - 28/12/2015 06:52 - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35025

You deserved it

3383

Tweet

Share

By oldtexas - 13/8/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10229

You deserved it

67278

Tweet

Share

By roadbikemama - 25/10/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43137

You deserved it

11074

Tweet

Share

By wdavi022 - 5/1/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44311

You deserved it

5406

Tweet

Share

By AmySweet - 18/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34348

You deserved it

4584

Tweet

Share

By "AR Good" - 26/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2665

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:40 - United States - Riverview

Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36759

You deserved it

5837

Tweet

Share

By MrTandy - 16/9/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31480

You deserved it

3663

Tweet

Share

By (._. ) - 6/8/2013 20:35 - United States - Alburnett

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61615

You deserved it

5091

Tweet

Share

By phantomdriver - 24/3/2011 22:51 - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44728

You deserved it

3609

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 22:30 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44654

You deserved it

3292

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4780

You deserved it

6964

Tweet

Share

By NotASize0 - 4/4/2013 15:12 - Denmark

Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

51250

You deserved it

4221

Tweet

Share

By miss_peppermint - 14/12/2018 13:30

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2814

You deserved it

197

Tweet

Share

By Santa - 25/12/2014 03:01 - United States - Cocoa

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33457

You deserved it

13339

Tweet

Share

By Ctmusher - 14/4/2017 16:00

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3866

You deserved it

392

Tweet

Share

By Carolyn Dee Humphrey - 7/6/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5175

You deserved it

403

Tweet

Share

By Username - 25/10/2010 11:03 - France

Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34991

You deserved it

6552

Tweet

Share

By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1838

You deserved it

302

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 16:00

Not the one

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1545

You deserved it

190

Tweet

Share

By Username - 23/3/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41178

You deserved it

6864

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 12:04

This ain't gonna end well

Today, my partner of 5 years and I sat down to talk because I expressed hope for a proposal in near future. He instead believed that we should wait, and talk about a potential future for us in another two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1442

You deserved it

240

Tweet

Share

By CapNCook - 24/7/2013 09:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, a co-worker verbally abused me because I yawned. His excuse was that, "It's contagious". FML

I agree, your life sucks

43007

You deserved it

4375

Tweet

Share

By KaRaSu - 22/11/2008 12:24 - France

Today, whilst doing it with my girlfriend she goes :"are you done any time soon?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37678

You deserved it

7021

Tweet

Share

By Asteria - 15/11/2018 05:00

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2526

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 17:18 - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15795

You deserved it

42139

Tweet

Share

By badidea - 23/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31629

You deserved it

10053

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44903

You deserved it

5220

Tweet

Share

By RektForLyfe - 25/7/2016 03:32 - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17450

You deserved it

1214

Tweet

Share

By nato - 27/11/2012 13:16 - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28149

You deserved it

2320

Tweet

Share

By happypineapple - 17/7/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40578

You deserved it

19789

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 20:55 - United States

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14653

You deserved it

36666

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By depechemode | 0

#643225 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:44

...And this, my dear children, is how transformers are born.

By perdix | 29

#642804 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:54

"I'm sorry, Your Honor, about the accident, but I didn't see the other car because I was blinded by the semen."

He'll want to see you in camera.

Comments

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#642724 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:18

What the. it said I'm

Reply

Jcat_fml | 0

#642877 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 15:19

I agree, how can you say YAY and then FML? it's just dumb.

Reply

drummer_dude | 0

#642966 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 16:45

What happens when she turns the window wipers on because it's raining? It splits the condom and all the semen is spread over her window.

Reply

GJMO | 0

#643187 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:15

I guess you would like a used condom flapping on your car then. Ofcousre it is an FML

By teach09 | 0

#642728 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:16

How is this a FML? You don't seem very upset by it. It was tied so nothing came out. hmm...

Reply

procrastinatorrr | 0

#642801 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:50

haha yeah, it was raining - windshield wipers plus untied condom could've got messy! would have been funny to see anyway

Reply

depechemode | 0

#643225 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:44

...And this, my dear children, is how transformers are born.

Reply

jadeddream | 0

#643414 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 23:08

#34 = WIN.

Reply

Allison_H | 0

#1062789 - Sunday 4 July 2010 16:59

#34 Wins for greatest comment, therefore, winning the thread... And one hell of an awesome Screen Name. Depeche Mode FTW. #34. FTW.

Reply

embr | 0

#2368088 - Monday 18 April 2011 18:09

hahahahahahahaha!!!! tht made my life

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#642729 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:19

What is going on???? I can't see my comments!!!

By rainbowfrootloop | 0

#642732 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:29

that's just nasty!!

By vishmir | 0

#642734 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:32

Hmmm.. looks like this should be on lml. College days are the best! :D

By spaaw | 0

#642737 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:34

haha made me lol

By the_holy_one | 0

#642750 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:49

Asher Roth FTW!!!

By enough4 | 0

#642784 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:34

"Man, I love college. Fuck my life."

Reply

BrunetteHottiie | 0

#643798 - Thursday 29 October 2009 3:10

Sarcasm

By LzrdPsnsSpck | 0

#642785 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:36

That's nasty! But it's good that it sounds like you saw the funny side of it.

By roflmaonade | 2

#642790 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:41

wrong site buddy, refer to mylifeisaverage.com aka MLIA