Miscellaneous: Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper... - FML

By bubblensuds1 - United States

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

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Understandable

Mother of the year

Thanks for all the help

By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Wuppertal

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

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By minnie - 23/2/2021 04:58

#1 Mom of the Year

Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

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By Sissy - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By Snurkles McGree - Canada

Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML

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By Help - Australia

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

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By slitherasssnape - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML

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By Arran - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

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By Ben - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By jobless - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

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By Magaña.i.am

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

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By Why Me? - United States - Scranton

Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I replaced my car's windscreen wipers, after someone stole the last pair. After I finished, I went indoors for a drink. When I returned, the new ones had been stolen too. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

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By qx5 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By spiderfail - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

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By agony - United States

Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML

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By paperbagofdoom - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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By Darling_Cherry - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

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By nolife - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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By "Kaluhaluha"

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

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By GotMyBitchBack - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

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By keelah - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By Does this thought count? - Canada - Toronto

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

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By Alright. - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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By newdad - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cypress

Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her brick throwing spot, in my own driveway. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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By nalathelionqueen - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By Jedi2500 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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Top comments

By depechemode | 0

#643225 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:44

...And this, my dear children, is how transformers are born.

By perdix | 29

#642804 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:54

"I'm sorry, Your Honor, about the accident, but I didn't see the other car because I was blinded by the semen."

He'll want to see you in camera.

COMMENTS

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#642724 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:18

What the. it said I'm

Reply

Jcat_fml | 0

#642877 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 15:19

I agree, how can you say YAY and then FML? it's just dumb.

Reply

drummer_dude | 0

#642966 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 16:45

What happens when she turns the window wipers on because it's raining? It splits the condom and all the semen is spread over her window.

Reply

GJMO | 0

#643187 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:15

I guess you would like a used condom flapping on your car then. Ofcousre it is an FML

By teach09 | 0

#642728 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:16

How is this a FML? You don't seem very upset by it. It was tied so nothing came out. hmm...

Reply

procrastinatorrr | 0

#642801 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:50

haha yeah, it was raining - windshield wipers plus untied condom could've got messy! would have been funny to see anyway

Reply

depechemode | 0

#643225 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:44

...And this, my dear children, is how transformers are born.

Reply

jadeddream | 0

#643414 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 23:08

#34 = WIN.

Reply

Allison_H | 0

#1062789 - Sunday 4 July 2010 16:59

#34 Wins for greatest comment, therefore, winning the thread... And one hell of an awesome Screen Name. Depeche Mode FTW. #34. FTW.

Reply

embr | 0

#2368088 - Monday 18 April 2011 18:09

hahahahahahahaha!!!! tht made my life

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#642729 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:19

What is going on???? I can't see my comments!!!

By rainbowfrootloop | 0

#642732 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:29

that's just nasty!!

By vishmir | 0

#642734 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:32

Hmmm.. looks like this should be on lml. College days are the best! :D

By spaaw | 0

#642737 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:34

haha made me lol

By the_holy_one | 0

#642750 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 12:49

Asher Roth FTW!!!

By enough4 | 0

#642784 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:34

"Man, I love college. Fuck my life."

Reply

BrunetteHottiie | 0

#643798 - Thursday 29 October 2009 3:10

Sarcasm

By LzrdPsnsSpck | 0

#642785 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:36

That's nasty! But it's good that it sounds like you saw the funny side of it.

By roflmaonade | 2

#642790 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 13:41

wrong site buddy, refer to mylifeisaverage.com aka MLIA