Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he... - FML

By DimeShapedBruise - 24/9/2013 06:14 - United States - Beaverton

Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Everyone's an expert

By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - 17/6/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By argh - 1/2/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

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By gkline09 - 6/8/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By wintersoldier - 14/7/2015 02:36 - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

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By uglyone - 13/1/2010 14:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was going out with my supermodel-gorgeous friend, so I put extra effort into looking good. I thought I looked pretty good, but when we got to the station, a drunk old man looked at us and loudly announced "That's always the way it is, there's a fit one and an ugly one". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Chester

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

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By TheoBuckner - 21/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

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By Username - 4/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

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By Anthony - 16/8/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. FML

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By Joey - 11/3/2012 06:51 - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

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By sanoria51 - 26/4/2013 23:58 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - 16/8/2015 16:18 - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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By Jer - 15/7/2013 23:36 - United States - Louisville

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

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By goner - 1/5/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 16:58 - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 00:01

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. FML

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By Mariah Heimann - 15/12/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

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By anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 16:32 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By Fish - 7/4/2017 02:00

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By Namaslayed - 16/10/2015 18:04 - India - Mumbai

Today, I tried to make a move on the cute guy who sits opposite me at work. In theory, I was going to start a game of footsie with him. In practice, I screwed up and managed to yank his computer's power cable out. He lost his unsaved work. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 04:07 - United States

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

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By father of the year - 1/8/2013 06:21 - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 20:00

Silver linings

Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

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By littlemissgullible - 10/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, "I can't, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor's to find out our baby's sex." FML

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By adam - 5/12/2015 14:54 - Czech Republic

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

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By ac13 - 27/6/2010 18:03 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

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By inveralaska - 16/6/2016 21:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

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By OutOfTheCloset - 2/6/2012 06:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By mark - 11/1/2009 02:11 - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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By Dude - 19/8/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2013 22:52 - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By Crappit - 6/10/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

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Top comments

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5687686 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

The rich keep getting richer, one dime at a tine.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5687687 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

What a twat.

COMMENTS

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5687686 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

The rich keep getting richer, one dime at a tine.

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5687696 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:11

Oh God, *TIME! Why can't I spell at 7am...
Apologies.

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5687824 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:39

No no, it was spelled perfectly fine at first, nothing wrong with "one dime at a tine"...

Reply

TheKidOnFire | 10

#5688340 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 23:52

I wish I got a dime every tine I laughed at this comment.

Reply

VenomSiphon | 13

#5688444 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 1:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Neyuu | 18

#5689113 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 15:36

I agree, it made perfect cents to me, too.

Reply

anitriarose | 5

#5691937 - Friday 27 September 2013 14:51

74, judgemental? really? to know that it was a Rolex, OP probably saw the whole thing, she was just describing a glint from it. stop being a douche.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5687687 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

What a twat.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5687728 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:22

some people get rich and forget who there are,
some people get rich and reveal who they are
some people born rich never know who they are

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5687741 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:29

I'm poor and I've got no clue.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5687841 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:58

me too #18 *depressingly eats his mustard sammich*

Reply

TheCaramelKing | 11

#5688130 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 21:34

Maybe it was a fake Rolex?

Reply

HWICUNow | 10

#6462175 - Sunday 15 November 2015 22:22

or... A "Faux-Lex"
can I let myself out ..?

By angelitared | 27

#5687688 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:10

What an asshat!!

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5687866 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 18:28

Yes, OP already made it clear he was an asshat.

By jensen21 | 19

#5687697 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:12

Every cent counts, I guess.

Reply

9echo | 17

#5687725 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:21

I wonder what book it was...

How to be Stingy for Dummies?

By alligator729 | 15

#5687699 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:12

I hate people. A lot.

By asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5687701 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:12

It's probably fake.

Reply

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5687718 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:17

Likely so is he. Sounds like some petty little insecure man, looking to feel important over some irrelevant, triviality by making a big show in public.
Translation: A loser by choice. :p

Reply

FirestarPwns | 8

#5688115 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 21:21

Do you forget what the rules said?

By DocBastard | 38

#5687709 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:15

That was probably a Folex, not a Rolex. And that 10 cents was probably all it cost to make.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5687774 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:54

You can tell a real Rolex vs a fake one by the way the second hand sweeps around the face, instead of that "tick-tick" motion. :P

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5687803 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:21

Yeah, but OP probably didn't have enough observation time to check that out.

Reply

OscarDV | 8

#5687868 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 18:29

Its also a possibility that it was a gift.

Reply

raininginseattle | 9

#5688162 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 22:05

Not really 26. With cheap movements out there, even the fakes have sweeping second hands.

Reply

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5688734 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 6:36

WHAT THE HELL DOC. I comment above this saying the watch is probably fake and people hate it. You say the same and people love it. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

Reply

thatonename | 7

#5688770 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 7:40

81) no offense to doc, but it's just proof most of the fml community are sheep. His comments will very rarely, if ever, be down voted just because of who he is. Don't get me wrong, most of his comments are funny, but we all know the second part is also partially true...

Reply

michael666 | 7

#5693999 - Sunday 29 September 2013 0:44

he had more details, you only said "its probably fake" while the good ol' doc here explained in a more detailed manner, its all in the presentation.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5687712 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:15

That's how he saved up to buy that Rolex!

By jrock9093 | 18

#5687714 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:16

What a di^* you just smile and know that he never grew up and lives off mommys nipple still have a better day op

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5687763 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:46

Dine, diss, dice, died, dive?

So many possibilities.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5687858 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 18:17

Dime! I think he was trying to say dime.

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5687719 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:17

Sounds like he has anger issues... If you get angry in a library you must be a special kind of pathetic.