Work: Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he... - FML

By DimeShapedBruise - United States - Beaverton

Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML

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Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Live from Salt Lake City

By jnr1234 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

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By PatientInWaiting - United States

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

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By banana_tree - United Kingdom

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

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By badluckantonio - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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By kmctl - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2021 08:01

What a wuss

Today, my boyfriend flat out refuses to ever give me oral because it grosses him out when I squirt, and there's no way he wants that anywhere near his face. FML

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By dilligaf - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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By Nearis - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

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By onlyme - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

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By stuckonrepeat - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By StaplerScared - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on in a water park changing stall. A woman and a security guard barged in and angrily told us that there were children around. We were escorted out of the park wearing nothing but our swimsuits. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 09:32 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Insane parents, part 38765

Today, my mum vented her anger on me by shattering my mouse on the floor, taking my keyboard and nearly ripping out my monitor. At least a spare mouse and the on screen keyboard are better than nothing. This hurts. FML

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By Idiots - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

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By ge fu yo twa

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

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By lifeguard down - United States

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By webperson04 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By dinosaurman - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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By Just a joke - 2/11/2020 05:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

No jokes allowed

Today, my boyfriend called my mother stupid and angrily argued with her at a family dinner. Why? We have a long-running family joke that "vegan food doesn't contain calories", and my boyfriend thought my mum said it seriously and was therefore a moron. FML

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By Mackdaddy - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

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By Syd - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By alexa - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

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By FavreFan99 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By ugly5402 - United States

Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

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By ticked - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By teejayrn - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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By weaknesspersonified - Austria

Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML

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By maystar

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

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By LostAlice - 28/3/2021 17:01

You tried

Today, I requested a deadline extension at work. The extension was granted, but it didn't apply to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 00:30

Hi uncle, I'm dad

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

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By Parental - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

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By healey16 - Canada

Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML

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Top comments

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5687686 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

The rich keep getting richer, one dime at a tine.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5687687 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

What a twat.

COMMENTS

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5687686 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

The rich keep getting richer, one dime at a tine.

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5687696 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:11

Oh God, *TIME! Why can't I spell at 7am...
Apologies.

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5687824 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:39

No no, it was spelled perfectly fine at first, nothing wrong with "one dime at a tine"...

Reply

TheKidOnFire | 10

#5688340 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 23:52

I wish I got a dime every tine I laughed at this comment.

Reply

VenomSiphon | 13

#5688444 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 1:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Neyuu | 18

#5689113 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 15:36

I agree, it made perfect cents to me, too.

Reply

anitriarose | 5

#5691937 - Friday 27 September 2013 14:51

74, judgemental? really? to know that it was a Rolex, OP probably saw the whole thing, she was just describing a glint from it. stop being a douche.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5687687 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:09

What a twat.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5687728 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:22

some people get rich and forget who there are,
some people get rich and reveal who they are
some people born rich never know who they are

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5687741 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:29

I'm poor and I've got no clue.

Reply

caohm | 18

#5687841 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:58

me too #18 *depressingly eats his mustard sammich*

Reply

TheCaramelKing | 11

#5688130 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 21:34

Maybe it was a fake Rolex?

Reply

HWICUNow | 10

#6462175 - Sunday 15 November 2015 22:22

or... A "Faux-Lex"
can I let myself out ..?

By angelitared | 27

#5687688 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:10

What an asshat!!

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5687866 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 18:28

Yes, OP already made it clear he was an asshat.

By jensen21 | 19

#5687697 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:12

Every cent counts, I guess.

Reply

9echo | 17

#5687725 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:21

I wonder what book it was...

How to be Stingy for Dummies?

By alligator729 | 15

#5687699 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:12

I hate people. A lot.

By asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5687701 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:12

It's probably fake.

Reply

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5687718 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:17

Likely so is he. Sounds like some petty little insecure man, looking to feel important over some irrelevant, triviality by making a big show in public.
Translation: A loser by choice. :p

Reply

FirestarPwns | 8

#5688115 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 21:21

Do you forget what the rules said?

By DocBastard | 38

#5687709 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:15

That was probably a Folex, not a Rolex. And that 10 cents was probably all it cost to make.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5687774 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:54

You can tell a real Rolex vs a fake one by the way the second hand sweeps around the face, instead of that "tick-tick" motion. :P

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5687803 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:21

Yeah, but OP probably didn't have enough observation time to check that out.

Reply

OscarDV | 8

#5687868 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 18:29

Its also a possibility that it was a gift.

Reply

raininginseattle | 9

#5688162 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 22:05

Not really 26. With cheap movements out there, even the fakes have sweeping second hands.

Reply

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5688734 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 6:36

WHAT THE HELL DOC. I comment above this saying the watch is probably fake and people hate it. You say the same and people love it. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

Reply

thatonename | 7

#5688770 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 7:40

81) no offense to doc, but it's just proof most of the fml community are sheep. His comments will very rarely, if ever, be down voted just because of who he is. Don't get me wrong, most of his comments are funny, but we all know the second part is also partially true...

Reply

michael666 | 7

#5693999 - Sunday 29 September 2013 0:44

he had more details, you only said "its probably fake" while the good ol' doc here explained in a more detailed manner, its all in the presentation.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5687712 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:15

That's how he saved up to buy that Rolex!

By jrock9093 | 18

#5687714 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:16

What a di^* you just smile and know that he never grew up and lives off mommys nipple still have a better day op

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5687763 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:46

Dine, diss, dice, died, dive?

So many possibilities.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5687858 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 18:17

Dime! I think he was trying to say dime.

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5687719 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:17

Sounds like he has anger issues... If you get angry in a library you must be a special kind of pathetic.