Miscellaneous: Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin... - FML

By Abandoned - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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Family values

Serious times

Doomed

By Chubsley - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

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By Eric Ngan - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

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By ElixirRose - United States

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 14:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

I CAN HEAR YOU

Today, as usual, my flatmate is so loud when talking face to face that my ears and head rattle. I can't say anything because how dare I suggest there's anything wrong with my roommate's hearing. Yet nobody else talks this loud. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 06:02 - United States - Roy

Make the day about me!

Today, at my wedding, my grandmother special requested a wheelchair, even though she doesn’t and never has needed any kind of assistance walking or standing at all. FML

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By charma - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By flaps - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By kittybad - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

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By Boyufd - 27/10/2020 11:01

Added flavor

Today, I walked out the bathroom and saw my girlfriend peeing in a mug. She said that's the mug she uses when she can't hold it anymore. That's the mug I put my coffee in every morning. FML

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By My eyes were on the prize

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML

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By wowza - United States

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport to catch a plane. It was very crowded at the gate and there was nowhere to sit except for a flat metal bench, so I sat on that. Turns out I was sitting on a luggage scale, so my weight was displayed for everybody to see. FML

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By fgs - 29/11/2020 23:01

In the zone

Today, after joking with the guy I've been talking to for 8 months about his plans for my birthday, he told me he didn't want to 'lead me on' and wants to stay friends. FML

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By Mellamononeyobiz - United States - Hooper

Today, my mom smoked pot in my sister's bedroom while I was at school. When I noticed the stench, she blamed the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By Jack - United States - Minneapolis

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

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By cavallo31 - United States

Today, I invited my friends to meet up at the park. After asking twice, I finally got the text saying to meet them there. But when I got there, I realized they had already been there for a while. As I was walking up to them, I heard, "Why did you invite him?" FML

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By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - United States - Kalispell

I can't help it!

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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By ZG1 - 13/2/2021 20:00

Thanks for coming in, Mr Belch

Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML

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By auraya1985 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

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By

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, whom I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, I was on Facebook looking at pictures of my boyfriend, who was in his friend's wedding this past weekend. He said that none of the girlfriends could come because it would cost too much for the couple. I spent the weekend alone, and all his friend's girlfriends are in the pictures. FML

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By scarred

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

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By pleasestop - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML

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By Joey - United States

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML

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By musicmaniac13 - France

Today, I performed in my school's choir concert. The girl next to me started to pass out, and I grabbed her so she wouldn't hit her head. After we were done performing and the curtains closed, my choir teacher dragged me off stage and said I was getting an F for "creating a distraction". FML

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By bready - United States

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

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By Cinderella

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By mystermoon

Stressed out

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

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By Ginna - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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By :( - United States

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

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By Aether - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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Top comments

By iAndrea | 0

#858406 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:41

You sure they forgot? Haha. :)

By coco22_fml | 0

#858391 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:39

ha! that makes me laugh. at least u werent alone

COMMENTS

By ilysweetcupcake | 1

#858385 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:38

hahahaha ydi for not being noticed.

Reply

ImRawrtastic | 0

#858447 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:46

parenting fail rofl

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858454 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:47

Yeah, they didn't forget; you got left. Enjoy dinner and call them for a ride home and let them pick up the check.

Reply

rmasterpros | 0

#858606 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:19

stfu

Reply

aDerangedStateOf | 0

#858612 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:21

If I ever have kids I'm doing the same shit to them, only I won't go back.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#858737 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:00

somebody's loved XD

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858745 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:01

LMAO @ 35! You don't have kids yet but are already thinking of ways to get rid of them. LOL. Maybe your grandma needs to talk to you about precautions then you won't have that problem. ;)

Reply

jdjosef | 0

#858836 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:37

what....

Reply

jeaniechic | 0

#859159 - Monday 15 February 2010 20:26

lmao

Reply

hockeyhouse | 5

#859275 - Monday 15 February 2010 20:55

Please tell me you'll never have kids.

Reply

st0815 | 9

#859305 - Monday 15 February 2010 21:04

Look OP - the thing is ... the economy is tough, you have to understand what with the payments for the new car, the mortgage, cable ... well your parents need to save money somehow.

Reply

Terwilliger | 0

#859457 - Monday 15 February 2010 22:26

would be even funnier if they left the bill for you to pay

Reply

deathcab7 | 0

#859528 - Monday 15 February 2010 23:19

your parents love you.

Reply

BannedStory | 0

#859974 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:24

lols at #82. i woulda see that

Reply

futtgoredo | 0

#860522 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 3:57

I doubt they forgot.

Reply

killerviral | 0

#861143 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 7:36

time for blackmail and atleast u got home

Reply

Rosalie_Haostn | 0

#863319 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 0:36

my sentiments exactly.

Reply

adriiana1019 | 0

#864697 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 6:48

that's kind of stupid then why would you have kids in the first place

Reply

terranada | 3

#1306332 - Friday 27 August 2010 3:59

april fools! lol

By coco22_fml | 0

#858391 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:39

ha! that makes me laugh. at least u werent alone

Reply

l1douchhe1l | 0

#859405 - Monday 15 February 2010 21:59

maybe they didnt forget

Reply

nriney | 0

#986543 - Thursday 29 April 2010 17:51

the probably just don't like you

By repyourcliche | 0

#858393 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:39

jeremy kyle time?

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#858399 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:40

it happens.... trust me, i no -_-

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#858711 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:51

Hm, I didn't think it was that common a mistake...

Reply

MF12 | 0

#858734 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:58

yes. a MISTAKE.

By iAndrea | 0

#858406 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:41

You sure they forgot? Haha. :)

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#858841 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:39

This is a modern day Hansel and Gretel :)

By zelly3434 | 0

#858417 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

ha ha

By flugiboogee | 9

#858420 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

Maybe they thought you were doing the nasty and left to show you a lesson. Haha

Reply

iAndrea | 0

#858430 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:44

With their cousin...?

Reply

purplemnm | 9

#858591 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:16

incest is real Andrea!

Reply

iAndrea | 0

#858693 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:45

Hahahaaaaa; yuckk. Lol

Reply

ZombieBunnies | 0

#858882 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:53

I've heard the term wincest and now you've all heard it to.

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#858422 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things. The mob has plans; the cops have plans; Gordon's got plans."

By thikimo | 0

#858428 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:44

parenting fail/sucessful eat

Reply

BannedStory | 0

#859994 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:27

cutieee. :)

By taycandy96 | 2

#858436 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:45

hopefully u have ur phone