Miscellaneous: Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin... - FML

By Abandoned - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

You tried

Need help

By c - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

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By meee - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By Firepants - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 21:30

Weird kid

Today, and for the last 4 days, my 19-year-old son has been wearing a metal full face skull helmet and a black robe, and has renamed himself Beast. He also bought a sword from god knows where and refuses to leave the house, because the outside scares him. I may need an exorcist. FML

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By NotAPrincess - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

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By mandiballz - United States

Nice

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year-old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He said, "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By Beantown girl - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

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By STOPattheSIGNbitch

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

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By asnolt - United States

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

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By coldwetnose - United States

Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML

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By Satan's Lil elf

Today, I broke my mirror off going to the drive-through at McDonald's. Even the cashier watching was like, "Fuck, dude." FML

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By Queenbee26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML

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By minnie - 14/2/2021 06:01 - United States - Denver

Unreasonable

Today, my boyfriend left me because he found out I cheated on my first boyfriend when I was 12. That was back before I knew what "cheating" was and I thought it was okay to love more than one person. FML

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By sciencenat - France - V?lizy-villacoublay

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By rhya4n - Denmark - Herlev

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

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By aj513 - United States - New Bedford

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parent's bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

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By NeedANewWindshield

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

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By ohai95 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I let a friend cut my hair. I soon went from having a 'fro to looking like I lost a fight with a lawn mower. FML

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By nerdwithagun - United States

Today, my dad had a go at me because he thought I was embarrassed by him and that was why I never invited any of my friends over. I was too embarrassed to tell him it's actually because I don't have any friends to invite over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spanaway

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my 11-year-old son and I took an IQ test for a laugh. To be honest, I've often suspected that I may have some form of mental retardation, but I didn't expect to get a score of 79, while he got one of 114. FML

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By FMluck - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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By Rejection - France

Today, I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. His reply? "No it's fine." FML

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By screamer - United States - Paso Robles

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

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By kernewek - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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By Monagro - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

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By KTK - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By BaggedDown - United States - Rochester

Suitcase mystery

Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I'm afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML

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By sheyo - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

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By phantomdriver - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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By nothowscienceworks - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

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By Kiki - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By biwhat - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. He dumped me because apparently now there is "too much competition". FML

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Top comments

By iAndrea | 0

#858406 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:41

You sure they forgot? Haha. :)

By coco22_fml | 0

#858391 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:39

ha! that makes me laugh. at least u werent alone

COMMENTS

By ilysweetcupcake | 1

#858385 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:38

hahahaha ydi for not being noticed.

Reply

ImRawrtastic | 0

#858447 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:46

parenting fail rofl

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858454 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:47

Yeah, they didn't forget; you got left. Enjoy dinner and call them for a ride home and let them pick up the check.

Reply

rmasterpros | 0

#858606 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:19

stfu

Reply

aDerangedStateOf | 0

#858612 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:21

If I ever have kids I'm doing the same shit to them, only I won't go back.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#858737 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:00

somebody's loved XD

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858745 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:01

LMAO @ 35! You don't have kids yet but are already thinking of ways to get rid of them. LOL. Maybe your grandma needs to talk to you about precautions then you won't have that problem. ;)

Reply

jdjosef | 0

#858836 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:37

what....

Reply

jeaniechic | 0

#859159 - Monday 15 February 2010 20:26

lmao

Reply

hockeyhouse | 5

#859275 - Monday 15 February 2010 20:55

Please tell me you'll never have kids.

Reply

st0815 | 9

#859305 - Monday 15 February 2010 21:04

Look OP - the thing is ... the economy is tough, you have to understand what with the payments for the new car, the mortgage, cable ... well your parents need to save money somehow.

Reply

Terwilliger | 0

#859457 - Monday 15 February 2010 22:26

would be even funnier if they left the bill for you to pay

Reply

deathcab7 | 0

#859528 - Monday 15 February 2010 23:19

your parents love you.

Reply

BannedStory | 0

#859974 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:24

lols at #82. i woulda see that

Reply

futtgoredo | 0

#860522 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 3:57

I doubt they forgot.

Reply

killerviral | 0

#861143 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 7:36

time for blackmail and atleast u got home

Reply

Rosalie_Haostn | 0

#863319 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 0:36

my sentiments exactly.

Reply

adriiana1019 | 0

#864697 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 6:48

that's kind of stupid then why would you have kids in the first place

Reply

terranada | 3

#1306332 - Friday 27 August 2010 3:59

april fools! lol

By coco22_fml | 0

#858391 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:39

ha! that makes me laugh. at least u werent alone

Reply

l1douchhe1l | 0

#859405 - Monday 15 February 2010 21:59

maybe they didnt forget

Reply

nriney | 0

#986543 - Thursday 29 April 2010 17:51

the probably just don't like you

By repyourcliche | 0

#858393 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:39

jeremy kyle time?

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#858399 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:40

it happens.... trust me, i no -_-

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#858711 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:51

Hm, I didn't think it was that common a mistake...

Reply

MF12 | 0

#858734 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:58

yes. a MISTAKE.

By iAndrea | 0

#858406 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:41

You sure they forgot? Haha. :)

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#858841 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:39

This is a modern day Hansel and Gretel :)

By zelly3434 | 0

#858417 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

ha ha

By flugiboogee | 9

#858420 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

Maybe they thought you were doing the nasty and left to show you a lesson. Haha

Reply

iAndrea | 0

#858430 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:44

With their cousin...?

Reply

purplemnm | 9

#858591 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:16

incest is real Andrea!

Reply

iAndrea | 0

#858693 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:45

Hahahaaaaa; yuckk. Lol

Reply

ZombieBunnies | 0

#858882 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:53

I've heard the term wincest and now you've all heard it to.

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#858422 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things. The mob has plans; the cops have plans; Gordon's got plans."

By thikimo | 0

#858428 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:44

parenting fail/sucessful eat

Reply

BannedStory | 0

#859994 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:27

cutieee. :)

By taycandy96 | 2

#858436 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:45

hopefully u have ur phone