Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what... - FML

By andy - 28/1/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Gas giant

Not a cheating!

By Boneo and Juliet - 16/7/2015 19:22 - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By funkyhed84 - 31/5/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

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By Adam - 29/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had a job interview at a Holiday Inn. I got there ten minutes early and sat until 1:00 p.m., then told the person at the front desk I was there for my interview. She called the manager, who said that no interviews were scheduled today. I'd gone to the wrong Holiday Inn. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2017 00:00

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - 5/10/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By skyinthesky - 11/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML

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By Parental Support - 30/8/2013 04:11 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

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By anon - 25/9/2014 05:48 - United States - Germantown

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

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By allalone - 14/7/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

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By _Emilyy - 12/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By philip708 - 27/8/2015 06:46 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 2/3/2016 20:41 - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 14:00

Are you taking the piss?

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

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By Madeline Lee - 9/4/2012 21:34 - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

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By jinxofsocal - 21/6/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By Zach - 21/4/2015 02:42 - United States - Lewes

Today, I found out the only reason my parents haven't kicked me out yet is because of my OCD which makes me clean the house every single day. FML

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By nothealthy - 29/3/2016 04:51 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

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By garrett - 14/2/2019 15:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 05:01

Move it, now!

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 01:38 - United States - Houston

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

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By Teenagegirl - 26/3/2012 04:11 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2014 22:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

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By pandapantsMD - 18/4/2015 03:12 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

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By Shelbitchh - 28/7/2011 09:11 - United States

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

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By DDD - 31/1/2009 15:04 - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

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By Misc. - 13/3/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

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By sting - 3/6/2017 04:00

Winds of change

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

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By Dehydrated - 1/9/2015 11:07 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

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By huh - 2/6/2012 20:31 - United Kingdom - Troon

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

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By Cinnanyan - 2/6/2016 10:20 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

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By Jack Faire - 12/2/2019 02:00

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went into work with the mentality that all of my ass-busting work was going to result in me finally being promoted to manager. We had a site meeting. The entire building is being laid off because Apple cut our contract. Yay, I'm out of a job. I hate Apple. FML

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By adrenochrome - 9/2/2009 09:21 - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

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By gemma - 11/9/2012 16:56 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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By fenris - 30/8/2016 17:36 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid runs up to me and throws up. It was a 10-hour shift, I was one hour in. FML

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Top comments

By hopelessteej | 8

#5343797 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:51

i can see that name becoming infectious...

By havok87 | 11

#5343800 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

What a dumb bitch. I feel bad for that kid already.

COMMENTS

By hopelessteej | 8

#5343797 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:51

i can see that name becoming infectious...

Reply

alexsam_fml | 10

#5343806 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:55

I feel sad for the baby :(

Reply

tylahgrace | 12

#5343817 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:04

here's hoping that she has a boy!

Reply

Joshmokahontas | 6

#5343824 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:07

guess we can all assume she didn't read the rest of that billboard.

Reply

7yzz | 18

#5343834 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:12

Future Prom Queen? :D

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5343852 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:27

I guess you could call the child 'Clammy' or 'Dicky' as a nickname ...

On second thoughts, nevermind.

Reply

StalkerChick | 13

#5343878 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:50

Sad thing is, I knew a girl named Klamidya (pronounced Chlamydia). I wonder if she ever got a legal name change. I would've done that exactly on my 18th birthday.

Reply

katties | 27

#5344049 - Monday 28 January 2013 14:13

@47 I had a guy in my class named Castrat...

Reply

sexxxysydney | 14

#5344404 - Monday 28 January 2013 18:26

A girl in my high school art class was named shithead, pronounced "Sha Theed"

Reply

SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#5344682 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:08

Someone in my math class's last name is Fokanov, pronounced fuckinoff.

Reply

Sketchisan | 27

#5344727 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:52

I went to school with an Asian girl named, no lie, Atomic Ho.

Reply

7yzz | 18

#5344874 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 0:33

@129 LOL! and this girl is in Sydney??

Reply

hiitisbrooke | 26

#5344977 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 1:37

I know a girl named La-a, pronounced Ladasha.

By Harshdfml | 14

#5343798 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

God bless "chlamydia"!

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5344138 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:33

Let it all happen... She will be the ruler of FML in the future.

Reply

heygirlie777 | 21

#5344729 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:54

I read this comment to the tune of God Bless America...

By havok87 | 11

#5343800 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

What a dumb bitch. I feel bad for that kid already.

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5343835 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:12

many years of bullying ahead..

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5343870 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:44

Couldn't the father step in to change the name?

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5343919 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:13

I'm going to assume that a stupid mom who doesn't know what chlamydia is, is single and/or doesn't know who the father is

Reply

Myo_fml | 20

#5344123 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:13

Either that or he learned his lesson and ran long ago.

Reply

skyeyez9 | 24

#5344209 - Monday 28 January 2013 16:24

Or homeschooled and sheltered her entire life.

Reply

CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5344265 - Monday 28 January 2013 16:48

Dumb bitch she is. I bet she didn't even finish highschool to know what other STD's there are.

Reply

desoto96 | 9

#5344340 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:42

100 - homeschooled? Seriously? I take offense to that statement, but then again. Everything on here is offensive in one way or the other.

Reply

ulissey_fml | 22

#5344690 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:14

Leave that woman alone! She's done her piece.

Reply

morgiepuff | 14

#5344814 - Monday 28 January 2013 23:47

100- ooh, a homeschooling joke! Really, not all of us are sheltered, stupid, anti-social little hobbits who's only friends are their siblings. I was homeschooled for 12 years and I turned out just fine.

By lou_knee | 6

#5343801 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:53

Maybe you should have suggested Melena as an alternative?

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5343923 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:15

Or Chocolate Beefcake, or literally anything else short of Hitler AIDS

Reply

deegeebee | 10

#5344612 - Monday 28 January 2013 21:04

Melena would only work if their last name was stool. GOOGLE IT, PEOPLE!

By seyrose | 8

#5343802 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:53

its better than "gonorrhoea" I suppose

By BlackBlazeCobra | 16

#5343803 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:54

I hope she googled it once she got home...if not, the hospital better give her a serious lecture once the baby is born.

Reply

Sandman366 | 6

#5344157 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:47

More like scolding, clearly she didn't pay attention to the lecture of what it was the first time around.

Reply

thatsucks4you | 7

#5344357 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:54

A woman like her probably isn't smart enough to use google, let alone a computer.

By babe7260 | 30

#5343805 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:54

Will be the most tortured child at school!

Reply

swagmaster6969 | 4

#5344621 - Monday 28 January 2013 21:11

My dad told me about how a former student of his was named Placenta. That was probably pretty rough also.

By MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5343807 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:55

I can sense a new TLC program in the works...

Reply

nattynatters | 14

#5343922 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:15

I sense a new trend where kids sue their parents for pain and suffering caused by terrible names. Could TLC make a show out of that? What would it be called?

Reply

MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5343962 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:39

A Boy Named Sue :P

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5344164 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:55

"My parents gave me an STD...for a name!"

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5344312 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:17

She could be named Rhea, with a nickname of Ghona or Dia

Reply

Angio113 | 10

#5344695 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:19

"Growing Up Chlamydia" We might just be onto something...

By ks23 | 9

#5343808 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:56

F that kids life. And any other kids that moron might have.

By Amama_fml | 30

#5343810 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:58

Poor baby girl! That girl is going to be teased!

Reply

simoncat | 11

#5344380 - Monday 28 January 2013 18:14

Worse so if it's a baby boy!