Kids: Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what... - FML

By andy - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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Sorry…

Messed up

Serious times

By Roma - United States - Chevy Chase

Today I asked my mother-in-law to borrow a plunger, so she asked what I needed it for. "Poop," I replied. "I've told you this before," she huffed, "you have to poop a little and then flush, poop a little and flush. You can't go all at once." I can't even shit right for this woman. FML

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By Dangling - United States - Lizella

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

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By LizP40 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Overveen

Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vanda

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

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By 1378 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By backstabbed - Australia

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

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By ygrowup2fast - 23/4/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well. She called her doctor, who isn't seeing patients due to COVID. Had to take her to the ER. After numerous tests, they told her that her potassium levels were low. Diagnosis: eat a banana. When we get the bill(s) from the hospital, this will be the most expensive banana ever. FML

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By gui909 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

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By notthe1punchinglittlegirls

A few good men?

Today, I was visiting my in-laws and sharing a room with my husband's 17-year-old sister. Later that night she and her brother of 24 years started fist-fighting over an air mattress and I had to pull them off each other. The brother later berated me with, "You can't handle any pressure!" FML

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By xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx - Singapore

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

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By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

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By Stoopid - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By bizzyizzy0121 - United States

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 9/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

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By Blackshadows - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

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By fml...really - United States

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

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By CalyenaL - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

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By Anonymoosey - Canada

Relax

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML

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By lonelygirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a romantic weekend away at a hotel. What is he doing now? On his computer looking up stuff on Craigslist while I am watching t.v. alone. FML

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By pandapantsMD - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By charpanda007 - Hong Kong

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

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By Ves - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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By LadySteph12 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By Dudeman5000 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

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Top comments

By hopelessteej | 8

#5343797 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:51

i can see that name becoming infectious...

By havok87 | 11

#5343800 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

What a dumb bitch. I feel bad for that kid already.

COMMENTS

By hopelessteej | 8

#5343797 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:51

i can see that name becoming infectious...

Reply

alexsam_fml | 10

#5343806 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:55

I feel sad for the baby :(

Reply

tylahgrace | 12

#5343817 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:04

here's hoping that she has a boy!

Reply

Joshmokahontas | 6

#5343824 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:07

guess we can all assume she didn't read the rest of that billboard.

Reply

7yzz | 18

#5343834 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:12

Future Prom Queen? :D

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5343852 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:27

I guess you could call the child 'Clammy' or 'Dicky' as a nickname ...

On second thoughts, nevermind.

Reply

StalkerChick | 13

#5343878 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:50

Sad thing is, I knew a girl named Klamidya (pronounced Chlamydia). I wonder if she ever got a legal name change. I would've done that exactly on my 18th birthday.

Reply

katties | 27

#5344049 - Monday 28 January 2013 14:13

@47 I had a guy in my class named Castrat...

Reply

sexxxysydney | 14

#5344404 - Monday 28 January 2013 18:26

A girl in my high school art class was named shithead, pronounced "Sha Theed"

Reply

SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#5344682 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:08

Someone in my math class's last name is Fokanov, pronounced fuckinoff.

Reply

Sketchisan | 27

#5344727 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:52

I went to school with an Asian girl named, no lie, Atomic Ho.

Reply

7yzz | 18

#5344874 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 0:33

@129 LOL! and this girl is in Sydney??

Reply

hiitisbrooke | 26

#5344977 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 1:37

I know a girl named La-a, pronounced Ladasha.

By Harshdfml | 14

#5343798 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

God bless "chlamydia"!

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5344138 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:33

Let it all happen... She will be the ruler of FML in the future.

Reply

heygirlie777 | 21

#5344729 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:54

I read this comment to the tune of God Bless America...

By havok87 | 11

#5343800 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

What a dumb bitch. I feel bad for that kid already.

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5343835 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:12

many years of bullying ahead..

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5343870 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:44

Couldn't the father step in to change the name?

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5343919 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:13

I'm going to assume that a stupid mom who doesn't know what chlamydia is, is single and/or doesn't know who the father is

Reply

Myo_fml | 20

#5344123 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:13

Either that or he learned his lesson and ran long ago.

Reply

skyeyez9 | 24

#5344209 - Monday 28 January 2013 16:24

Or homeschooled and sheltered her entire life.

Reply

CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5344265 - Monday 28 January 2013 16:48

Dumb bitch she is. I bet she didn't even finish highschool to know what other STD's there are.

Reply

desoto96 | 9

#5344340 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:42

100 - homeschooled? Seriously? I take offense to that statement, but then again. Everything on here is offensive in one way or the other.

Reply

ulissey_fml | 22

#5344690 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:14

Leave that woman alone! She's done her piece.

Reply

morgiepuff | 14

#5344814 - Monday 28 January 2013 23:47

100- ooh, a homeschooling joke! Really, not all of us are sheltered, stupid, anti-social little hobbits who's only friends are their siblings. I was homeschooled for 12 years and I turned out just fine.

By lou_knee | 6

#5343801 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:53

Maybe you should have suggested Melena as an alternative?

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5343923 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:15

Or Chocolate Beefcake, or literally anything else short of Hitler AIDS

Reply

deegeebee | 10

#5344612 - Monday 28 January 2013 21:04

Melena would only work if their last name was stool. GOOGLE IT, PEOPLE!

By seyrose | 8

#5343802 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:53

its better than "gonorrhoea" I suppose

By BlackBlazeCobra | 16

#5343803 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:54

I hope she googled it once she got home...if not, the hospital better give her a serious lecture once the baby is born.

Reply

Sandman366 | 6

#5344157 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:47

More like scolding, clearly she didn't pay attention to the lecture of what it was the first time around.

Reply

thatsucks4you | 7

#5344357 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:54

A woman like her probably isn't smart enough to use google, let alone a computer.

By babe7260 | 30

#5343805 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:54

Will be the most tortured child at school!

Reply

swagmaster6969 | 4

#5344621 - Monday 28 January 2013 21:11

My dad told me about how a former student of his was named Placenta. That was probably pretty rough also.

By MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5343807 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:55

I can sense a new TLC program in the works...

Reply

nattynatters | 14

#5343922 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:15

I sense a new trend where kids sue their parents for pain and suffering caused by terrible names. Could TLC make a show out of that? What would it be called?

Reply

MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5343962 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:39

A Boy Named Sue :P

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5344164 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:55

"My parents gave me an STD...for a name!"

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5344312 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:17

She could be named Rhea, with a nickname of Ghona or Dia

Reply

Angio113 | 10

#5344695 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:19

"Growing Up Chlamydia" We might just be onto something...

By ks23 | 9

#5343808 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:56

F that kids life. And any other kids that moron might have.

By Amama_fml | 30

#5343810 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:58

Poor baby girl! That girl is going to be teased!

Reply

simoncat | 11

#5344380 - Monday 28 January 2013 18:14

Worse so if it's a baby boy!