Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what... - FML

By andy - 28/1/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Yappy neighborhood

Assumptions

By Sam - 25/6/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as a recruiter, I had an interview with a promising candidate for an open position at my company. The interview was going well until the candidate interrupted me halfway through to take a selfie. FML

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By Twiggysucks68 - 7/1/2013 01:49 - United States - Antioch

Today, my fiancé decided he wants a baby only because our dog is good, quiet, and falls asleep as soon as he starts to cradle her. He thinks a baby will be just like that. FML

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By a person - 5/3/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 05:39 - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By qourt - 14/2/2019 15:34 - United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

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By NeverCampingAgain - 15/2/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2011 10:19 - Australia

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

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By Smooth - 11/4/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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By Adam - 24/5/2011 05:54

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

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By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By cathouse - 26/3/2011 19:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

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By MessyMal - 25/12/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

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By glitterzebra - 9/10/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2013 04:35 - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By Hungrytoothbrush - 7/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

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By LP - 15/6/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of having an eating disorder, and I didn't correct her. Truth is, I lost weight after I went off the pill a year ago. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom that I haven't had anyone in a year. FML

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By Shoe - 27/2/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

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By pissedoffandon - 6/5/2009 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - 1/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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By Eddie - 7/8/2011 19:43 - Israel

Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML

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By no I've never asked for anal - 20/9/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

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By Jenna Berreth - 1/8/2019 16:00

Today, being my usual clumsy self, I slipped on the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Hard. Now, I can't even sit up. I have to drive to school and sit on a very hard plastic chair for four and a half hours tomorrow. FML

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By padre74 - 3/10/2016 17:31 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

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By coolest_mom - 25/11/2015 06:00

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 07:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

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By wallet? GONE - 21/4/2013 22:27 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I was mugged by a street preacher. The same one who'd earlier in the day screamed at me for being an evil sinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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By wedding leper - 23/1/2016 05:25 - United States - Tucson

Today, I woke up after a two-day drive to go to my cousin's wedding. The view is beautiful, there's mountains everywhere, and my new backless dress is gorgeous. Too bad the hotel has bed bugs and my whole body is entirely covered in bright red bumps. FML

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By SeagullsShouldDie - 28/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

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By anouk05 - 15/10/2010 05:13 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend told me "don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

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By Sydney - 15/1/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By sexaddict - 7/1/2009 08:16 - France

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. I think I'm a nympho. FML

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By fme - 8/12/2010 14:34 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By hairstylistprobs - 23/6/2015 03:13 - United States

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 30/5/2020 02:00

Condom advertisement

Today, my ex messaged me, saying he got his new girlfriend pregnant and that he thinks I have something to do with it. He thinks I put it in her head that they should have a kid together, when he says he didn't want any in the first place. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today my girlfriends "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting & cold sweating while passing acidic/blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

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By conchita - 10/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

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Top comments

By hopelessteej | 8

#5343797 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:51

i can see that name becoming infectious...

By havok87 | 11

#5343800 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

What a dumb bitch. I feel bad for that kid already.

Comments

By hopelessteej | 8

#5343797 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:51

i can see that name becoming infectious...

Reply

alexsam_fml | 10

#5343806 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:55

I feel sad for the baby :(

Reply

tylahgrace | 12

#5343817 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:04

here's hoping that she has a boy!

Reply

Joshmokahontas | 6

#5343824 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:07

guess we can all assume she didn't read the rest of that billboard.

Reply

7yzz | 18

#5343834 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:12

Future Prom Queen? :D

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5343852 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:27

I guess you could call the child 'Clammy' or 'Dicky' as a nickname ...

On second thoughts, nevermind.

Reply

StalkerChick | 13

#5343878 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:50

Sad thing is, I knew a girl named Klamidya (pronounced Chlamydia). I wonder if she ever got a legal name change. I would've done that exactly on my 18th birthday.

Reply

katties | 27

#5344049 - Monday 28 January 2013 14:13

@47 I had a guy in my class named Castrat...

Reply

sexxxysydney | 14

#5344404 - Monday 28 January 2013 18:26

A girl in my high school art class was named shithead, pronounced "Sha Theed"

Reply

SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#5344682 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:08

Someone in my math class's last name is Fokanov, pronounced fuckinoff.

Reply

Sketchisan | 27

#5344727 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:52

I went to school with an Asian girl named, no lie, Atomic Ho.

Reply

7yzz | 18

#5344874 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 0:33

@129 LOL! and this girl is in Sydney??

Reply

hiitisbrooke | 26

#5344977 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 1:37

I know a girl named La-a, pronounced Ladasha.

By Harshdfml | 14

#5343798 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

God bless "chlamydia"!

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5344138 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:33

Let it all happen... She will be the ruler of FML in the future.

Reply

heygirlie777 | 21

#5344729 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:54

I read this comment to the tune of God Bless America...

By havok87 | 11

#5343800 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:52

What a dumb bitch. I feel bad for that kid already.

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5343835 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:12

many years of bullying ahead..

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5343870 - Monday 28 January 2013 11:44

Couldn't the father step in to change the name?

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5343919 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:13

I'm going to assume that a stupid mom who doesn't know what chlamydia is, is single and/or doesn't know who the father is

Reply

Myo_fml | 20

#5344123 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:13

Either that or he learned his lesson and ran long ago.

Reply

skyeyez9 | 24

#5344209 - Monday 28 January 2013 16:24

Or homeschooled and sheltered her entire life.

Reply

CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5344265 - Monday 28 January 2013 16:48

Dumb bitch she is. I bet she didn't even finish highschool to know what other STD's there are.

Reply

desoto96 | 9

#5344340 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:42

100 - homeschooled? Seriously? I take offense to that statement, but then again. Everything on here is offensive in one way or the other.

Reply

ulissey_fml | 22

#5344690 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:14

Leave that woman alone! She's done her piece.

Reply

morgiepuff | 14

#5344814 - Monday 28 January 2013 23:47

100- ooh, a homeschooling joke! Really, not all of us are sheltered, stupid, anti-social little hobbits who's only friends are their siblings. I was homeschooled for 12 years and I turned out just fine.

By lou_knee | 6

#5343801 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:53

Maybe you should have suggested Melena as an alternative?

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5343923 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:15

Or Chocolate Beefcake, or literally anything else short of Hitler AIDS

Reply

deegeebee | 10

#5344612 - Monday 28 January 2013 21:04

Melena would only work if their last name was stool. GOOGLE IT, PEOPLE!

By seyrose | 8

#5343802 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:53

its better than "gonorrhoea" I suppose

By BlackBlazeCobra | 16

#5343803 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:54

I hope she googled it once she got home...if not, the hospital better give her a serious lecture once the baby is born.

Reply

Sandman366 | 6

#5344157 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:47

More like scolding, clearly she didn't pay attention to the lecture of what it was the first time around.

Reply

thatsucks4you | 7

#5344357 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:54

A woman like her probably isn't smart enough to use google, let alone a computer.

By babe7260 | 30

#5343805 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:54

Will be the most tortured child at school!

Reply

swagmaster6969 | 4

#5344621 - Monday 28 January 2013 21:11

My dad told me about how a former student of his was named Placenta. That was probably pretty rough also.

By MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5343807 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:55

I can sense a new TLC program in the works...

Reply

nattynatters | 14

#5343922 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:15

I sense a new trend where kids sue their parents for pain and suffering caused by terrible names. Could TLC make a show out of that? What would it be called?

Reply

MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5343962 - Monday 28 January 2013 12:39

A Boy Named Sue :P

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5344164 - Monday 28 January 2013 15:55

"My parents gave me an STD...for a name!"

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5344312 - Monday 28 January 2013 17:17

She could be named Rhea, with a nickname of Ghona or Dia

Reply

Angio113 | 10

#5344695 - Monday 28 January 2013 22:19

"Growing Up Chlamydia" We might just be onto something...

By ks23 | 9

#5343808 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:56

F that kids life. And any other kids that moron might have.

By Amama_fml | 30

#5343810 - Monday 28 January 2013 10:58

Poor baby girl! That girl is going to be teased!

Reply

simoncat | 11

#5344380 - Monday 28 January 2013 18:14

Worse so if it's a baby boy!