Love and Intimacy: Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking...

By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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Love

Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Not now!

How's your hovel?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

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By an unlucky man - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

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22853

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By LeaveMeAlone

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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4526

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By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

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By Anonymous

You snooze, you lose

Today, I got turned down by the person who has been wanting to date me for five months. FML

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By PTKFML - United States

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

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54630

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By Randomm

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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1791

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By mbesameh - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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51638

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By Burnt - United States

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

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10724

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By MSguy

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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2607

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By "Caroline Ballard Turner"

Chili beans

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1981

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By imobesejk - United States

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

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38103

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2801

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By Anonymous - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

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40800

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By Guntherdog - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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57761

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Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer saying they were having trouble getting ahold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to the place and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

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7482

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By huh? - 22/7/2020 20:00

Race against the clock

Today, we found out that my 13-year-old cousin is pregnant. My mom then turned to me and asked why I decided to wait so long. I’m only 20. Instead of being worried that this young girl has potentially ruined her entire life, my mom just complained that her sister "gets to be a grandma first." FML

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2279

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130

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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33983

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By tiptoesjohnson

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

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8442

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By A - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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36805

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By tryingnottocare - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

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By paul - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

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By Ginna - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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44100

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By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By Geez - Netherlands

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

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29987

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By Kimberly - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

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By ... - France

Today, the really hot guy that works in the same building as me came to work after being away for the past two days. I said "Look who finally decided to come to work." His response: "I had a death in the family, thanks." FML

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8588

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

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By Ilovelife07

Today, I got pulled over heading home from college. My car was full of my stuff from moving out, and I couldn't reach the glove box. I told the cop this, and asked if he wanted me to go around to the passenger side to get my paperwork. He agreed. When I got out of the car, he pepper sprayed me. FML

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2382

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By WTFFAIL - Canada - Montreal

Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML

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25488

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By You Wish - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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31641

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By Clueless - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

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11014

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By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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39149

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By Anonymous

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3827

You deserved it

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By dollybabe - Ireland

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Disappointed Mom - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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Top comments

By melisssa87 | 30

#7706380 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:22

Well you did get fucked

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698752 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 10:34

A quickie divorce?

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698752 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 10:34

A quickie divorce?

acmariner99 | 24

#7706446 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 0:35

You beat me to it. That was quick.

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7706373 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:06

Oh ouch!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7706380 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:22

Well you did get fucked

By tipsyone | 21

#7706383 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:24

I don’t understand how divorce comes as a surprise! What kind of women/men do people seem to marry??

Anyway, I feel for you man! Hang in there

teaspoon04 | 15

#7706389 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:27

It happens sometimes. You might think you’re having a small issue and really it’s that they’re polyamorous and fucking their trans best friend. No? Just me? Ok...

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7706451 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 0:44

When my parents got divorced, it was a surprise for my mom. Yeah, they fought a lot, but she tried everything to keep the marriage together, and thought my dad was doing the same. Instead, he came home from a vacation and announced that he was leaving her. She had no clue it was coming.

By Chris Reid | 8

#7706388 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:27

Read the room wrong on that one

By GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7706404 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:55

you Cumming in 30 seconds doesn't make it "a quickie" for her

By RichardPencil | 29

#7706416 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 23:37

That’s a “slowie”. A very expensive slowie!

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7706470 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 2:56

if a quickie was your first thought then your marriage musta been on the rocks for a while

By Envy22 | 32

#7706519 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 7:11

Praying for you.

By MannyWasHere | 12

#7706539 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 8:06

Break up sex?