Love and Intimacy: Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking...

By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4823

You deserved it

433

Favorite

Love

Intimacy

Vulture

BO Central

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36189

You deserved it

3765

Favorite

By ug - Canada

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53653

You deserved it

4528

Favorite

By SprinklerDodger - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27606

You deserved it

2387

Favorite

By Poordaughter5 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11064

You deserved it

763

Favorite

By cc10 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64700

You deserved it

4140

Favorite

By Somebody kill me! - 2/5/2021 00:30

Time out

Today, after a year and a half of overexploitation at work without getting paid for it, I can finally have a deserved vacation. Why? I caught Covid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

850

You deserved it

105

Favorite

By Nate - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34667

You deserved it

59019

Favorite

By Kitten

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3280

You deserved it

147

Favorite

By shat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21853

You deserved it

2469

Favorite

By Decisions6 - Denmark - Aarhus

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1441

You deserved it

284

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Upper Darby

Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35096

You deserved it

44146

Favorite

By Jenna - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13699

You deserved it

38676

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 06:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Pompous twat

Today, this guy who I thought was my friend said that my "existence is of minimal consequence," and that I'm "an individual I clearly don't acknowledge." All this after he'd said, "I'm not trying to hurt you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

879

You deserved it

Favorite

By powerless - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1424

You deserved it

108

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30997

You deserved it

7639

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks

577

You deserved it

2268

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my excruciating ear pain turned out to be a bastard maggot eating away at all the vital things behind my eardrum. The doctor pulled it out, but I’m now permanently deaf in that ear and can’t balance. I fall if I try to stand or walk further than 5 feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5784

You deserved it

273

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Topeka

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. I'm nervous around them so he encouraged me to drink so I'd loosen up. I got so drunk I tore up all the things in his old room I thought were from ex-girlfriends and accidentally flashed his dad my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10539

You deserved it

56566

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32337

You deserved it

3966

Favorite

By thatssickkk - United States

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27393

You deserved it

2698

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 15:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Sore loser

Today, after graduating from the same program, I was offered several jobs, while my boyfriend wasn’t. He couldn’t be happy for me, saying, "She got in with the right people, and they just keep handing her jobs," and dismissing my work ethic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1182

You deserved it

110

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 10:59 - United States - San Diego

Nice parents you've got there…

Today, one of my fourth-graders came up to me and asked, "Can you please not put my test grades in the weekly folders? My mom likes to get mad when I get below a 90." FML

I agree, your life sucks

819

You deserved it

Favorite

By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13785

You deserved it

45028

Favorite

By notwasted39 - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54835

You deserved it

3074

Favorite

By keepmouthshut - United States

Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37908

You deserved it

12782

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9864

You deserved it

54555

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20981

You deserved it

1336

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 23:00

No good deed goes unpunished

Today, I went in for my first day of work. I told them three months in advance that I was going away for 2 weeks to build a school in a third world country. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1539

You deserved it

343

Favorite

By I’m stressed - 22/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Badass

Today, someone tried to open the stall I was in, and I instinctively screamed. I was yelled at and called, "incredibly rude and disrespectful." The lady then waited for me to come out so she could, "kick my ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks

824

You deserved it

Favorite

By Wheresthecreamfilling

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11023

You deserved it

1859

Favorite

By FML - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my mum and I were referred to as "ladies". I'm happy for her, since she always complains about looking masculine. However, I would still like to be called a gentleman, seeing as how I am one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45131

You deserved it

3632

Favorite

By Fire_Princess16

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1774

You deserved it

3027

Favorite

By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23029

You deserved it

56407

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33287

You deserved it

6587

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32643

You deserved it

5685

Favorite

By noname - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36026

You deserved it

2784

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40258

You deserved it

5470

Favorite

By Disconnected

Today, I found out that it is possible for someone else to cancel my Internet, TV and phone services in two days. However it'll take me 5 days, after 6 hours on the phone, to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4339

You deserved it

248

Favorite

By runner - United States

Run run run

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31903

You deserved it

3750

Favorite

By GideonSquire

Today, I walked through a car park and brutally bashed my head, leaving a tennis ball sized lump on my forehead on an overhead sign saying, "Max height 6"6'". I'm 6"4'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3742

You deserved it

418

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698752 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 10:34

A quickie divorce?

By teaspoon04 | 15

#7706389 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:27

It happens sometimes. You might think you’re having a small issue and really it’s that they’re polyamorous and fucking their trans best friend. No? Just me? Ok...

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698752 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 10:34

A quickie divorce?

acmariner99 | 24

#7706446 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 0:35

You beat me to it. That was quick.

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7706373 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:06

Oh ouch!

By tipsyone | 21

#7706383 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:24

I don’t understand how divorce comes as a surprise! What kind of women/men do people seem to marry??

Anyway, I feel for you man! Hang in there

teaspoon04 | 15

#7706389 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:27

It happens sometimes. You might think you’re having a small issue and really it’s that they’re polyamorous and fucking their trans best friend. No? Just me? Ok...

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7706451 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 0:44

When my parents got divorced, it was a surprise for my mom. Yeah, they fought a lot, but she tried everything to keep the marriage together, and thought my dad was doing the same. Instead, he came home from a vacation and announced that he was leaving her. She had no clue it was coming.

By Chris Reid | 8

#7706388 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:27

Read the room wrong on that one

By GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7706404 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:55

you Cumming in 30 seconds doesn't make it "a quickie" for her

By RichardPencil | 30

#7706416 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 23:37

That’s a “slowie”. A very expensive slowie!

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7706470 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 2:56

if a quickie was your first thought then your marriage musta been on the rocks for a while

By Envy22 | 32

#7706519 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 7:11

Praying for you.

By MannyWasHere | 12

#7706539 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 8:06

Break up sex?

By fjvitt | 14

#7707022 - Thursday 11 October 2018 2:34

Always coming too quickly...maybe that was the problem...