Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML

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Rock, hard place

Who's a good boy?

Booty pic

By sexandanxiety - Canada - Stittsville

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

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By Bratty son - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By nola2005

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

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By Mito

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By sluttydancer - United States

Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

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By DietKelp - United States

Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a 'Good Morning' text from my boyfriend. Since I hadn't gotten one of those in a while, I thought it was rather nice. That is, until I saw the picture that accompanied it. It was of him, sitting on the toilet and taking a shit. FML

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By HamHanded

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By ScaredDad

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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By Fmycar - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

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By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By tLee - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Tireddddddd - United States

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By fukinnature

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought a friend who I have loved for years out to a nice restaurant for dinner. I ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and poured each of us a glass. As I was about to tell her I loved her, she raised her glass for a toast and said "A toast to friendship!" FML

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By not amused - Ireland - Cork

Today, my dad woke me up in a panic at five to ten in the morning, because he couldn't figure out how to type the "@" in an e-mail address. FML

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By the other man - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

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By maybe if i was paid like them i would - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

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By Jay

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

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By gingerninja - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

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By someonesomething - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By FamilyLoving - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By bnc - United States - Jefferson City

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

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By anonymous22kittylicklick - United States

Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML

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By sad associate - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

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By Shut up loser!

Not her fault neither mine

Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

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By Boned...hard - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

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By Hopper - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

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By hatemylife - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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Top comments

By Checker | 20

#3632582 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:53

Check again...?

By irimalovecheer98 | 5

#3632605 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:55

Lol, I feel bad for your son

COMMENTS

By thwei | 0

#3632573 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:52

Lol poor cat.

Reply

UrLyfSuxx | 0

#3632769 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:07

More like poor OP. . .

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3632788 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:07

Now your son has to be afraid of monsters and cats under his bed.

Reply

freakinglaugher | 10

#3632899 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:16

Just tell him that the monster only eats children that don't obey their parents.

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3633108 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:40

BUT THE CAT CAME BACK!!!!!!

Reply

blackheart24 | 10

#3633369 - Friday 25 November 2011 2:14

Monsters under the bed are real -.- trust me, mine talks to me sometimes.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3633639 - Friday 25 November 2011 3:14

And mines touch me in inappropriate places :(

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#3633841 - Friday 25 November 2011 4:20

49- hey! I only LOOK like a monster...doesn't mean I am one... :P

Reply

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3634136 - Friday 25 November 2011 5:26

It's a good thing she didn't find me in the closet O.o

Reply

death_dolphin24 | 0

#3634646 - Friday 25 November 2011 7:30

Bizarre, please STFU.

By Checker | 20

#3632582 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:53

Check again...?

Reply

jonn090 | 13

#3641502 - Saturday 26 November 2011 6:49

That's some ghetto cat

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#5989686 - Friday 27 June 2014 6:10

I don't think you know what ghetto means

By irimalovecheer98 | 5

#3632605 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:55

Lol, I feel bad for your son

Reply

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3640685 - Saturday 26 November 2011 4:00

I feel bad for your son.

By slick5880 | 22

#3632609 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:56

Be afraid... Be very afraid of the cat

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3636321 - Friday 25 November 2011 12:47

Those two gleaming eyes staring back at you!

Reply

Ecklcakes | 15

#3652218 - Monday 28 November 2011 9:09

Must have been fucking scary as shit. Your mum/dad tries to show you not to be scared and comes up with a gash on their face.

By vitaldisplay | 0

#3632634 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

bigAC | 6

#3632645 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:58

how?

Reply

Philliesfan9391 | 3

#3632894 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:16

First of all, it doesn't say if he is a guy or a girl.
and how is he a bad parent?

Reply

jackassiddy | 8

#3633084 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:36

and you're bad at grammar...

Reply

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3633880 - Friday 25 November 2011 4:28

Obviously he's a father because gay marriage is now legal in NY. So obviously only gay married men occupy the entire state.

*trollface*

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#3635167 - Friday 25 November 2011 9:28

You're a bad mother

Reply

lidemocr | 0

#3636559 - Friday 25 November 2011 14:17

I was just thinking the opposite about OP. it's a funny situation but sort of cute that he was checking for monsters so that his kid wouldn't be scared. It ended badly but I'm sure OP had the best of intentions!

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3632647 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:58

Rawr

Reply

SweatyManNipplez | 0

#3632821 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:10

Omg your hot

Reply

SweatyManNipplez | 0

#3632872 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:13

Your sexy

Reply

Justin23L | 2

#3651083 - Monday 28 November 2011 3:23

Meow! :D

Reply

ArchxAngel | 9

#3679804 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:34

Moo. I'm A Frog. :3

Reply

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3696119 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 6:57

I hate nothing more than when people say "rawr" or other dionosaur sounds in effort to look "cute".

By Dawnxxoo | 11

#3632751 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:06

hahahaha that totally sucks

By anjtrg_1112 | 23

#3632759 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:06

Technically you were right because there weren't any monsters , just an evil cat (:

By 2ndSucks | 15

#3632809 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:09

Damn demon cats.

By cheeseboy77 | 0

#3632810 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:09

take advantage of this. tell him you saw the monster, but if he acts good the monster will leave. then you're good and have a good son