Kids: Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML

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Out of it

Late term

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Ain't going nowhere - United States - Chicago

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

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By Conner Johnson

The Customer Is Clueless

Today, a customer walked up to me with a dog toy and said, "I knew one-stop shopping was a thing, but I didn't know you guys carried dildos." FML

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By lordtimbit - Canada - Calgary

Today, I fell in the shower and knocked myself out. When I came to I turned off the water and called my mom. She seemed more worried about the amount of water I "wasted" than she was about me. FML

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By George - United States - Vancouver

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By IMAWAKE - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

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By FastFoodWaiter - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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By Jussy - 26/1/2021 17:01

Report card

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

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By Tragic - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

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By Czechplease - United States

Today, my mom told my girlfriend an embarrassing story about me, along the lines of whenever my parents would take me school clothes shopping, I'd cry because I hated all the choices they gave me. The most recent incident of this? Last year. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 20:02 - Australia

One-sided

Today, after I spent quite some time getting thoughtful gifts for my friend and her kids ahead of their visit, she made a big fuss about how she'd "forgotten" to bring the gift she'd bought for me. Later, she casually admitted that she'd intentionally not bought me anything because she, "didn't think I'd need it." FML

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By rhunter17

Today, I forgot my boyfriend was allergic to nuts and ate Nutella toast before he arrived. He had just brought me flowers for doing well in an exam and I kissed him. He had a reaction and I had to stab him in the leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By InstantHardOn - United States

Whenever

Today, my girlfriend has a new obsession: grabbing my junk and whispering in my ear the song, "Baby, Imma Be Your Motivation." Problem? I get an instant boner and she only does it in public, because it's "funny as hell." FML

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By Elevated fear

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By familypet - United States - Vista

Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

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By Telemarket - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML

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By ashamed - 9/5/2020 02:00

Body issues

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me showering in the dark. When he asked why, I just told him it’s more relaxing for me. Truth is, after losing 120 lbs, I’m so disgusted by the look of my sagging skin that I can’t bear to see myself naked anymore. FML

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By ugh - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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By hopeless1 - United States

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

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By Ali - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, I packed all my clothes in a black garbage bag, so I could easily move them to my new house. When I came back outside to load it into my car, the bag was missing, and all I could see was a garbage truck driving away with the week's trash. FML

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By Married Life 101

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

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By GonnaBeLonley2night - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

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By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

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By Carowl

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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By Anonymous

That sucks

Today, I bought a new vacuum cleaner after having to go several months without one. Immediately, I wanted to try it out. I must have underestimated how powerful it was, as it sucked up my socks and then broke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Paranoid much?

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

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By SterlingEnigma - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

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By MrsFart

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

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By .__. - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By eggs - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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By Melaknee - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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Top comments

By Checker | 20

#3632582 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:53

Check again...?

By irimalovecheer98 | 5

#3632605 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:55

Lol, I feel bad for your son

COMMENTS

By thwei | 0

#3632573 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:52

Lol poor cat.

Reply

UrLyfSuxx | 0

#3632769 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:07

More like poor OP. . .

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3632788 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:07

Now your son has to be afraid of monsters and cats under his bed.

Reply

freakinglaugher | 10

#3632899 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:16

Just tell him that the monster only eats children that don't obey their parents.

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3633108 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:40

BUT THE CAT CAME BACK!!!!!!

Reply

blackheart24 | 10

#3633369 - Friday 25 November 2011 2:14

Monsters under the bed are real -.- trust me, mine talks to me sometimes.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3633639 - Friday 25 November 2011 3:14

And mines touch me in inappropriate places :(

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#3633841 - Friday 25 November 2011 4:20

49- hey! I only LOOK like a monster...doesn't mean I am one... :P

Reply

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3634136 - Friday 25 November 2011 5:26

It's a good thing she didn't find me in the closet O.o

Reply

death_dolphin24 | 0

#3634646 - Friday 25 November 2011 7:30

Bizarre, please STFU.

By Checker | 20

#3632582 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:53

Check again...?

Reply

jonn090 | 13

#3641502 - Saturday 26 November 2011 6:49

That's some ghetto cat

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#5989686 - Friday 27 June 2014 6:10

I don't think you know what ghetto means

By irimalovecheer98 | 5

#3632605 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:55

Lol, I feel bad for your son

Reply

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3640685 - Saturday 26 November 2011 4:00

I feel bad for your son.

By slick5880 | 22

#3632609 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:56

Be afraid... Be very afraid of the cat

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3636321 - Friday 25 November 2011 12:47

Those two gleaming eyes staring back at you!

Reply

Ecklcakes | 15

#3652218 - Monday 28 November 2011 9:09

Must have been fucking scary as shit. Your mum/dad tries to show you not to be scared and comes up with a gash on their face.

By vitaldisplay | 0

#3632634 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

bigAC | 6

#3632645 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:58

how?

Reply

Philliesfan9391 | 3

#3632894 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:16

First of all, it doesn't say if he is a guy or a girl.
and how is he a bad parent?

Reply

jackassiddy | 8

#3633084 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:36

and you're bad at grammar...

Reply

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3633880 - Friday 25 November 2011 4:28

Obviously he's a father because gay marriage is now legal in NY. So obviously only gay married men occupy the entire state.

*trollface*

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#3635167 - Friday 25 November 2011 9:28

You're a bad mother

Reply

lidemocr | 0

#3636559 - Friday 25 November 2011 14:17

I was just thinking the opposite about OP. it's a funny situation but sort of cute that he was checking for monsters so that his kid wouldn't be scared. It ended badly but I'm sure OP had the best of intentions!

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3632647 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:58

Rawr

Reply

SweatyManNipplez | 0

#3632821 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:10

Omg your hot

Reply

SweatyManNipplez | 0

#3632872 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:13

Your sexy

Reply

Justin23L | 2

#3651083 - Monday 28 November 2011 3:23

Meow! :D

Reply

ArchxAngel | 9

#3679804 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:34

Moo. I'm A Frog. :3

Reply

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3696119 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 6:57

I hate nothing more than when people say "rawr" or other dionosaur sounds in effort to look "cute".

By Dawnxxoo | 11

#3632751 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:06

hahahaha that totally sucks

By anjtrg_1112 | 23

#3632759 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:06

Technically you were right because there weren't any monsters , just an evil cat (:

By 2ndSucks | 15

#3632809 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:09

Damn demon cats.

By cheeseboy77 | 0

#3632810 - Friday 25 November 2011 1:09

take advantage of this. tell him you saw the monster, but if he acts good the monster will leave. then you're good and have a good son