Intimacy: Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending...

06/03/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 032

You deserved it 68 066

Intimacy

Batman

Healthcare is broken

Stuck together

12/02/2016 17:46 - United States - Cartersville

Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 4 524

25/01/2015 03:26 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 149

You deserved it 2 955

30/09/2011 01:56 - United States

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 924

You deserved it 3 706

27/12/2018 22:00 - Australia - Bankstown

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car infront of her, I said in my very bad Japanese “so I guess we are good friends now” she responded with a confident “yes” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 366

Complicated relationship

By Anonymous - 02/11/2019 23:00

Today my girlfriend of three years broke up with me. Why? She wasn’t sure about the relationship anymore. She seemed pretty sure though, seeing she was on Tinder less than 2 hours after, thanks to the 3 different friends that all called me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 158

15/01/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 490

You deserved it 8 418

02/12/2014 05:30 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 654

You deserved it 2 624

23/12/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 231

You deserved it 4 883

01/07/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 668

You deserved it 19 759

25/05/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 088

You deserved it 44 706

Age difference

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 10:01 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I took my newborn son to his one week weight check appointment. The pediatrician said, “OK, and he’s here today with his mom and big brother?” He thought my husband, who is 21 months older than me, was my son. How old do I look? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 141

27/07/2016 16:30

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 994

You deserved it 1 116

11/06/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 163

You deserved it 7 678

20/02/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 237

You deserved it 4 060

30/12/2014 01:07 - United States - Bend

Today, on my first ski run down a mountain, I dislocated my patella. Now I get to watch out of the window as my family builds a snowman and names it after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 346

You deserved it 2 471

08/07/2012 21:03 - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 546

You deserved it 7 499

25/09/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 561

You deserved it 3 523

26/06/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 816

You deserved it 4 413

13/06/2011 14:24 - Greece

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 616

You deserved it 4 576

10/10/2015 04:50 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 589

You deserved it 1 830

22/07/2016 14:06

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 551

You deserved it 1 899

08/01/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 170

You deserved it 7 158

Weird kid

By LGraham - 16/06/2020 20:08

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 462

You deserved it 283

24/03/2013 23:01 - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 000

You deserved it 97 341

Anyone for cake?

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 549

You deserved it 7 873

23/10/2014 23:30 - United States

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 412

You deserved it 4 382

23/05/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, I went to orientation for college. They gave us a name tag and I tried to figure out how to put it on for a few minutes. After struggling with it I realized it was a sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 29 783

Pale AF

By Kathleen Verhaegen - 05/03/2020 21:00

Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 203

11/10/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 159

You deserved it 3 280

06/06/2016 03:33

Today, my best friend, who reckons I'm doing a terrible job at finding a boyfriend, has started giving out my number to all the men she thinks "look trustworthy" in the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 480

You deserved it 889

Happy Doggo Day!

By Holyguacamoly - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 114

You deserved it 4 933

10/12/2009 10:38 - Australia

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 965

You deserved it 3 043

21/04/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was in class and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to scream and cry because the pain was horrible, so the teacher called 911. After being rushed to the hospital, I was told that "I had gas cramps and would be fine." My whole class was listening on speakerphone to make sure I was ok. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 703

You deserved it 12 889

Great excuses

By sumi - 01/06/2021 22:00

Today, I dumped my boyfriend because I found his OKCupid account. He claimed that he only has it so he can do the quizzes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 99

05/11/2018 22:00

Today, my dad is refusing to let me marry my fiancé because he said no when my dad asked for a loan of £10,000 to help clear some gambling debts. Apparently that shows my fiancé has poor family values and will be a bad father and an alcoholic husband. Impressive logical thinking there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 530

You deserved it 331

25/01/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, a coworker thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair. When I sat down, it went directly into my butt. When I sprang up, I hit my head on a lamp. I then hit my head on my desk on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 714

You deserved it 3 029

16/06/2012 05:45 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 076

You deserved it 7 585

08/11/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 306

You deserved it 2 384

18/02/2010 15:01 - Norway

Today, I found garbage in my postbox. In amongst the garbage, I found a note saying ''This is all you ever will get. Stay away from me!'', from the girl I sent a love poem to the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 295

You deserved it 7 185

Head, meet wall

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 20:00

Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 331

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omgepiphany 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:08

You still live at home with your mother, and you're sexing up girls all night while she's within earshot? You fool, YDI

djspazy 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:08

lmfao, every time you hear your gf moan, you will think of your mother. score 1 for mom

Chamon_fml 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:03

Fuuck :O

lovelydefiance89 0

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Wednesday 31 March 2010 22:11

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Probably scarred for life.

ffmmllyaya 0

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Friday 9 April 2010 5:22

taboo tabooooo!!! oh my

nosedive1994 0

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Saturday 17 April 2010 1:35

lol how old are u. tell her u and ur gf are gonna have sex no matter what she does!

YANKSFAN4EVER 0

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Monday 26 July 2010 5:28

ewwwww

QuantumLegend 0

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Monday 21 February 2011 8:05

OR copy that moan and say you don't want her (your mom) and your dad sleeping in the same room anymore ;)

goddamndinos 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:04

that's incredibly awkward.. not even for you, i'd feel awkward if i was your mom making moaning sounds to my son.

pepkate 8

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Friday 20 April 2012 16:26

This made me laugh so hard- oh the irony.

YourAFailmod 4

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Thursday 26 July 2012 1:44

If that was me itd ruin sex with her forever everytime she moaned it'd probably make me think of my mom.....

omgepiphany 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:08

You still live at home with your mother, and you're sexing up girls all night while she's within earshot? You fool, YDI

tenniskettle 0

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Monday 14 September 2009 15:59

well as long as he had a good time thats all that matters

metalfan333 0

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Monday 1 February 2010 18:49

agreed with # 3

raven02 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 4:44

maybe he's in h.s I did it

shortshan 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:08

Yikes! I definitely don't think you deserved that one.... but might wanna have your girl keep it quiet next time.

cuttybuddy 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:08

your mom sounds like a good moaner, fwiw.

djspazy 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:08

lmfao, every time you hear your gf moan, you will think of your mother. score 1 for mom

wolfking 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:10

can i meet your mom?

KenMcGormick 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:11

omg... i will puke immediately... imagine you're "soundly" MotherF***er

rollingmyeyes 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:12

if you're old enough to have sex, you are old enough to get your own place.

Kirlyfoo 9

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 1:28

Anyways..... "cough" fag "cough" killjoy

batwomen_fml 7

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Saturday 7 January 2012 11:56

You can't move out under the age of 16. Even if he was old enough to move out, not many people move out when they are 17 or 18.

LittleMissMack 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 20:13

...pretty sure I'm his girlfriend

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 203

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 69

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