Intimacy: Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long...

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 23:26 - United States

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 174

You deserved it 51 234

Intimacy

Own it

Fun for all the family

Long list

By Anonymous - 22/09/2017 04:30

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 046

You deserved it 4 587

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 05:51 - United States - Waco

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 974

You deserved it 1 642

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 742

You deserved it 43 981

By disgusting - 31/05/2015 09:13 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 594

You deserved it 2 874

Damn kids!

By Anonymous - 01/02/2021 13:57

Today, I found out that my 9 year-old cousin logged into my main chess account and lost 1700 points on purpose down from 2300. Which took 8 years of grinding and several national championships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 159

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 933

You deserved it 41 959

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 11:33 - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 906

You deserved it 2 344

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 01:12 - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 243

You deserved it 7 725

By can't win - 13/01/2015 16:25 - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 413

You deserved it 3 432

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 903

You deserved it 9 681

By boytoy - 02/09/2009 21:23 - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 041

You deserved it 18 897

By JustADream - 24/02/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 506

You deserved it 9 451

By Marfo101 - 16/01/2015 15:41 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 295

You deserved it 13 377

By Noname - 23/02/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 163

You deserved it 57 138

By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 524

You deserved it 38 044

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 21:57 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 701

You deserved it 3 198

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 174

By tryfailtryget11 - 05/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say "You're adopted, nobody loves you" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 660

You deserved it 76 709

On call

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 143

Getting the point across

By Anonymous - 05/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 615

You deserved it 113

By Anon - 26/01/2016 11:40 - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Thames

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 569

You deserved it 3 112

By neverdatingacopagain - 25/04/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I woke up to find a parking ticket on my car. My car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend. This is the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 897

You deserved it 6 703

By DingusGinger - 21/04/2019 02:00

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 149

By OutOfMyMind - 22/10/2013 00:12 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 826

You deserved it 12 035

By lostforwords - 06/08/2011 19:10 - Ireland

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 004

You deserved it 6 271

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 09:21 - Canada

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 781

You deserved it 4 514

By ouchmyeye - 10/06/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 646

You deserved it 5 106

By infrontofninepeople - 30/06/2015 20:31 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 360

You deserved it 4 674

By xtammyle - 19/02/2013 07:01 - Australia - Lower Plenty

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 528

You deserved it 4 490

Trading places

By Clarie Sierra - 03/06/2021 20:01

Today, after 6 years of dating, 2 years of marriage, a daughter and another one on the way, my husband decided that he’s "not the one for me" and told me he was leaving for his co-worker who he’s only known for a few months. Apparently they’re more "meant to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 168

You deserved it 91

By Jenn - 24/09/2017 10:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 238

You deserved it 605

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 905

You deserved it 5 363

Domestic bliss

By Good_old_Grim - 15/10/2009 13:51 - Latvia

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 682

You deserved it 2 807

By Sally - 26/01/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 156

You deserved it 5 327

By larvagirl23 - 18/06/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, "You can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 658

You deserved it 5 292

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 04:46 - United States - Placentia

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 211

You deserved it 2 858

By Anonymous - 14/09/2012 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 235

You deserved it 30 107

By Anonymous - 10/09/2013 13:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 980

You deserved it 96 366

By LimpMcgee - 07/02/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 084

You deserved it 3 625

By RWW - 28/07/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 549

You deserved it 7 481

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Top comments

arcticdoctorwho 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:13

That sure would make a mother uncomfortable.

jizzwold 21

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:32

Damn it! Don't you hate when you accidentally thumb a comment up?

arcticdoctorwho 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:13

That sure would make a mother uncomfortable.

ZealIFeel 7

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:55

Find a large rock and crawl under it until you can think of a legitimate health concern to explain it all. If not possible, just remember eye contact never solved anything.

xlord 27

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Sunday 23 October 2011 10:11

What I can't get over is that after seeing the site OP's mum still chose to have a 30 min conversation.

SimpleMinds_fml 7

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:44

Yeah, why would she stay and talk for 30 minutes!? That is legit my worst nightmare (other than dying in a fiery plane crash, being stabbed to death while sleeping, getting butt raped, etc.) I can't even imagine how awkward that is for you. One time I closed a tab with porn on it but didn't close the browser..my dad got on it and used the browser..seeing in the 'recently closed' tab was 'pornhub'....I almost died.

howdmynosego 12

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Sunday 23 October 2011 13:00

You think that's bad 41 I once walked into the living room wearing my boxer shorts. My dad noticed the stain that was still on em

rallets 22

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Sunday 23 October 2011 16:35

CTRL + SHIFT + P

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Sunday 23 October 2011 20:06

How can OP forget a porn site was on? Homepage?

KittyJay 3

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Monday 24 October 2011 3:55

Nah... My mom would have flip shit if I watched porn.... Edit... If she KNEW I watched porn.

rcbarnes 24

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Saturday 25 February 2012 8:57

Plus serving is not necessarily a sign of national policy support.

erin1994 9

Sunday 23 October 2011 9:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

jizzwold 21

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:32

Damn it! Don't you hate when you accidentally thumb a comment up?

killtin 2

Sunday 23 October 2011 9:36

Damnit I thumbs downed 16.............psych

j_cat187 19

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Sunday 23 October 2011 10:03

That is not a logical option.

AlexanderSilver 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 10:30

God dammit 16. I think reading your comment caused me to do exactly that.

DoubleDose 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:13

Here's a tip, don't give tips

hotPinklipstick 24

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Sunday 23 October 2011 13:19

Here's a tip, don't play leap frog with a unicorn.

rexgar2000 10

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Sunday 23 October 2011 14:13

49 I love that heart, looks really good on you.

not_a_Boss 1

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Sunday 23 October 2011 18:40

GTFO the internet

iamyourgod 3

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Sunday 23 October 2011 19:12

Here's a tip. Watch porn like every other person with Internet.

False_Stupidity 41

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Sunday 23 October 2011 20:14

#79 Pssh, I have internet but I don't watch porn... anymore... I gave it up when I started getting the real deal ;)

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Sunday 23 October 2011 20:40

you're crazy, porns awesome.

TheCurlyTheory 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 23:00

52; you sir, are a creep.

eurostar710 11

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Monday 24 October 2011 1:28

#89 I'm surprised you EVER 'get the real deal'

swampbilly 5

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Monday 24 October 2011 2:24

You Awesome

jonnyBgoode 9

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Tuesday 12 June 2012 21:00

Hear hear! Lol

cupcakegirl0424 27

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Monday 3 August 2015 3:34

Bro that's the greatest idea EVER. *thumbs up*

NamesIncognita 15

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Friday 20 November 2015 16:52

you'll start watching it too eventually. Id share my stash with you but it's too fetishy

vipirius 18

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:14

busted... Fyl bro

ryukk_fml 3

Sunday 23 October 2011 9:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

julien86_fml 2

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:24

Sad :(

kcircuses2 4

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:43

4-you're very unfortunate looking

Lily_lops95 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 17:00

Porn has nothing to do with coming out of the closet. Not unless OP was on a gay porn website

MagicallyFat 12

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Sunday 23 October 2011 22:46

Is this comment how you came out of the "bitch" closet… ^thats a good example

alfool 0

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Monday 24 October 2011 5:04

Maybe if it was a pic of you

KTC30 0

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Monday 24 October 2011 5:16

Was that how you were trying to be funny?

CTM0 3

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Tuesday 25 October 2011 6:04

You are quit ugly

meanmeli 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:17

that's like super awkward....

gazzdogs 5

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Sunday 23 October 2011 13:12

Like really?!? You don't say.

hnz 13

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:18

So what was the conversation about?

kcircuses2 4

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:45

church

sweettpie129 11

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Sunday 23 October 2011 17:38

Lmfao.

skullcandifiedDJ 5

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Monday 24 October 2011 3:28

she was probably just suggesting a better porn site...

joee182 3

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:18

were your pants at your ankles to?lol

jizzwold 21

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:35

Must... resist.... grammar nazi. *too Shit.

joee182 3

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:55

like i care how i spell haha

leadman1989 15

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Sunday 23 October 2011 10:40

Fucking pandas and their reckless disregard for grammar! >:(

laurbear12 3

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:12

Joeee u should probably start caring

yushit 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:35

Lol dude

mynewaccount 8

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:21

ha ha.

SimpleMinds_fml 7

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:34

Good comment. Really insightful and gave me a deeper thinking into the FML..

BeastNerd 3

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Sunday 23 October 2011 21:20

taught me the goddamned meaning of life.

Bossman11 6

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Monday 24 October 2011 4:44

Take it easy, she's a blonde

sxdryv 14

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Thursday 27 October 2011 7:53

Who are you!?

igloo_gl 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:27

Moron... Always close ur porn after masturbating.

joee182 3

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Sunday 23 October 2011 9:31

or he should at least lock his door haha

DjeePee 24

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Sunday 23 October 2011 11:47

Maybe OP wasn't finished yet.

ducttapewallet 7

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Sunday 23 October 2011 18:31

Maybe he hadn't started.

Daralea 21

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Monday 24 October 2011 21:16

Or open up a word document and start typing "The effect of repeated pornographic imagery on heart rate: an investigation into the desensitization of the sympathetic nervous system" and then put your student number in the corner. Someone's thesis just got fun!