Miscellaneous: Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me...

By whoopsboutthecap - United States

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Time don't heal nothing

Caught red-handed

By Username - United States

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

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18314

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By DrakeScott - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

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39893

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

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34736

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By HWS - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35200

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By typical - United States - Cheshire

Today, I fell down the stairs. My mom came running from the other room because she thought it was the dog. She rolled her eyes and walked away when she saw it was me. FML

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48135

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65863

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By lovely - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

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46372

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girl and I were in bed trying to nap before class. She kept tossing and turning, obvious signs that she was having no luck. Sweetly, I ask her if there was anything I could do to help her relax. She says "you can tell me a story about your day, that always puts me to sleep". FML

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60378

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By sothatsano - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26317

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

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35141

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02

It's not unusual

Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML

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680

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249

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By stupidapperently - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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31597

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By Sexy Rash - Australia - Wallgrove

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

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47486

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By Bubba - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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37583

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriends mom walked in on us having sex. She is partially blind so she couldn’t tell what was going on. She had a full conversation while he was still inside me. FML

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5039

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 13:58

Shedding

Today, I found out, after having my third and last child, that I'm balding. I'm only 23 and quite frankly It's very much noticeable. How did I find out? My four-year-old daughter pointed it out to me, saying, "Mommy, why you shed like the dog?" FML

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827

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155

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By stuck - United States - Bridgeview

Today, my boyfriend wrecked our car. Now I can't get to work in order to make the money we need to buy a new one. FML

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32497

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

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31083

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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34169

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By Lee - United States

Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

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25652

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2909

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By keifer13 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

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15588

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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29338

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By John jacob - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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54412

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By Sexting Parents - United States - Short Hills

Nice view

Today, my dad asked me to send my mom a text since he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I pulled up my mom's contact on his phone, and I found that my mom had recently sent my dad a picture of her jugs, along with the message, "We miss you." FML

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32735

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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1407

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220

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By The fuck, junior? - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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56869

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By not invited - United States - Appleton

Today, a close friend told me she had no plans for her birthday. I found out she was lying when I had to serve her and 9 other mutual friends dinner at the restaurant I work at. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wasn't invited or that none of them even remembered that I worked there. FML

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27884

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

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10556

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By FUCK, NO.

Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

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1771

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291

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By DietWater - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25360

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By ugly - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

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41385

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

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32535

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By FLIPmcCOOL - Ireland - Cork

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38026

You deserved it

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By bballer4_life - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

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7798

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16068

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2829

You deserved it

268

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By hugedissapointment - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

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12886

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14557

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By LexMarie12

Help, I'm stranded!

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

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4648

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By oumalina - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

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Top comments

By AnonymousTroll | 2

#3588996 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:47

It seems like *sunglasses* she wants to bust a cap.

By J3R3MYY | 14

#3589057 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:54

Child services, how may I help you?

COMMENTS

By AnonymousTroll | 2

#3588996 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:47

It seems like *sunglasses* she wants to bust a cap.

D37H100 | 5

#3589050 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:53

Haha that was pretty good #1
OP: seems like you're mom needs to go.,.

13FTW | 9

#3589052 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:53

HOW COULD OP FORGET THE CAP?!? Worlds over. Everybody's fucked. Blame it on op. Thanks.

grmnxsensati0n | 4

#3589124 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:08

holf fukk bro or brahh what eva u r u just skrewed us all

kirsty1551 | 3

#3589137 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:10

sounds like she needs to go to a mental hospital.

Savra_fml | 17

#3589166 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:18

22, what are you? You have a speach impediment?

sicnesses | 6

#3589183 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:20

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH

TheWindowLicker | 13

#3589207 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:26

While OPs mom doesn't want to bust a cap, I commend you for a decent original pun xD. Also, 9, nice picture. I don't like WW...but hey that's just me..also it's your, so you know.

Naitsi | 19

#3589219 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:32

lol

13FTW | 9

#3589391 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 17:22

Any body else notice all Naitsi ever posts is "lol"??

labudamike | 6

#3589489 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 17:57

She must be polish

D37H100 | 5

#3589499 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 17:59

35, yeah auto correct made it "you're" but idrc cause im not a grammar nazi. As for WW i like to jungle with him. But thats about it. I just like the skin.

MagicallyFat | 12

#3589566 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 18:28

Some people are weird about that. It's like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the thingy.

123Lalala098 | 10

#3590207 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 21:46

xD nice #1
:P this brightened my day.
OP: :P your mother might need help....

labudamike | 6

#3592280 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:10

Must of been polish

markrs | 0

#3592785 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 8:06

NEVER squeeze from the middle of the tube and don't you forget it! You can get more toothpaste out of it. Gives you a week more of toothpaste. And idk about you but I dislike buying new toothpaste. Could've used that few dollars on candy. Tsk. Tsk.

jkmcnns1005 | 6

#3594868 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 18:34

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

MyScrewedUpLifeS | 0

#3595798 - Thursday 17 November 2011 2:34

no cap OP? you crazy mothafucka.

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#3596182 - Thursday 17 November 2011 6:21

I've been in a mental hospital I actually just got out two days ago..I liked it better than being at home..it's better than you think.

By ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3589007 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:48

you should bust a cap in her ass. (:

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3589031 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:51

How dare you copy my crappy one liners!

ragnorac | 4

#3589041 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:52

Yeah because killing your mother would defiantly keep you out of a mental hospital

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3592384 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:37

aSs. there, i busted a cap in your ass for copying 1's one liner

By Googoo27 | 12

#3589013 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:49

Put a cap on her.

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3589254 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 16:44

Yeah that'll show her

Notimetobleed | 14

#3590038 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 20:46

Put a cap on her as in shoot her or actually drop a toothpaste cap on her hear? Please explain.

J3R3MYY | 14

#3590420 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 22:27

You need to explain what you just said??!!

Googoo27 | 12

#3594446 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 15:41

U want me to explain it? Show her how the toothpaste feels when you put the cap on it.

It wasnt supposed to make any sense

Googoo27 | 12

#3594453 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 15:43

Remove this plz, damn shitty internet/iphone double posted

By sydie5 | 12

#3589016 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:50

Your life must never be boring.

every1luvspuns | 0

#3589547 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 18:15

anyone else think OP's mom is trolling hard?

ExToRtiOn | 0

#3589549 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 18:15

I can tell

skyguy89 | 0

#3591687 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 2:38

Sounds like my mom but in stead of a shoe it was a slipper lol

sydie5 | 12

#3592215 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 4:53

124, a slipper is a shoe...

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3593895 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:16

Isn't life full of irony?

By mattorama | 15

#3589028 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 15:51

Your mom is the nuts one, and her mechanism to cope with it is "It's not ME that's crazy, it's everyone ELSE!" Psych 101. Projection.

EpicHobo | 0

#3589761 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 19:24

You just described my mom.

EpicHobo | 0

#3589763 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 19:24

You just described my mom.

SkardeyKat | 3

#3591966 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 3:55

Sounds exactly like my ex mother in law. The craziest conversation I've ever had with anyone was her following me around the house telling me she wasn't crazy, how she wasn't crazy, example after example, and that I was the crazy one. It just cemented the fact to me that she was in fact crazy!