Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when... - FML

By Agirl - 25/10/2012 23:44 - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Don't shoot the messenger

Yappy neighborhood

By Joshua Sheldon - 19/9/2015 01:56 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, while working alone, I decided to just try some random impressions, and so I ended up doing a French accent when a customer walked in. To avoid embarrassment, I had to continue faking the accent as he struck up a long conversation with me. FML

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By ._. - 5/6/2013 00:08 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

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By Mirorbo - 11/6/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

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By hinting - 17/6/2013 16:43 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By must be adopted - 11/2/2013 01:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

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By supersplatoon - 8/9/2015 23:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

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By wildwonder808 - 12/8/2013 22:47 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I caught my new neighbor sticking his knob inside my car and pissing on my seats. His reason? I parked in his spot. FML

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By Foolish - 18/7/2016 06:51 - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By hannahisacooler - 16/7/2013 23:41 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

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By oh my fucking god - 10/7/2014 13:34 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 22:29 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2011 21:53 - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

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By krfenton8 - 11/1/2016 06:49

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

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By AgathedeBlouse - 18/11/2008 06:42 - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

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By The Horrible Older Sister - 2/9/2012 10:07 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

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By AZN656 - 4/3/2010 11:24 - Australia

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - 9/2/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2017 20:00

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:45 - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

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By Liz - 1/7/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

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By Stressed out mom - 7/3/2018 01:30

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

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By schoolkiddo - 8/9/2010 07:35 - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By CreepedOut - 9/3/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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By ProudMamma - 14/9/2016 01:50 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2011 00:09 - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

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By Parental Support - 30/8/2013 04:11 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

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By peepee. - 30/9/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

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By teflon_hammer - 25/5/2016 23:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By rybread - 1/3/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

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By damnit - 27/10/2008 09:08 - United States

Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called "How to confess to having an affair." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2015 18:41 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

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By firehurts - 8/6/2015 23:38 - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By wowzers0889 - 28/4/2012 21:21 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

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By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By GeeThanksMom - 25/2/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By kentrm - 11/5/2016 02:12 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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Top comments

By anzie_fml | 9

#5083631 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Call her a bitch and if someone overhears, you were asking her to scratch the big itch on your back.

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5083623 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:53

I'd believe it.

Comments

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5083623 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:53

I'd believe it.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5083647 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:58

I'd laugh.

Reply

preps87 | 0

#5083711 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:25

I'd eat her.

Reply

flockz | 19

#5083756 - Friday 26 October 2012 10:09

well that escalated quickly.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5083826 - Friday 26 October 2012 11:26

I'd tap that.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5083972 - Friday 26 October 2012 13:43

And mom your a bitch...,
No no I meant your witch for Halloween correct?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5084083 - Friday 26 October 2012 15:02

Moms come up with strange terms of endearment.

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5084361 - Friday 26 October 2012 16:37

I think my mom might be related to OP's mom. She has two sides and tries to hide the mean one when company is over.

Reply

_krystallynn_ | 11

#5084657 - Friday 26 October 2012 17:43

same here. :/ ^^^

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5085143 - Friday 26 October 2012 20:08

45, then we must be sisters! Sorry you have to deal with that crap.

Reply

Barr3lR0ll | 9

#5086812 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:03

Is it just me or was this same exact FML posted like a month ago?

Reply

Mipz | 2

#5092145 - Sunday 28 October 2012 20:49

That's a great cover.

By anzie_fml | 9

#5083631 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Call her a bitch and if someone overhears, you were asking her to scratch the big itch on your back.

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5083704 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:18

Mom scratches her back, she scratches Mom's.

Reply

xlord | 27

#5083726 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:35

But she'll call OP a whore and ask if she wants more.....food

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5083830 - Friday 26 October 2012 11:29

Ask: "anyone fuck-offee?"

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5084726 - Friday 26 October 2012 18:07

27- your picture and comments go together so well...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5084962 - Friday 26 October 2012 19:09

46- that's twice you've said that now, in the space of a few weeks. Move on with life. Nobody's listening.

Reply

maosquare | 18

#5085872 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:30

Well, of course no ones listening. We're reading.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5085888 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:45

54- that was such a hilarious remark I laughed my neckbrace off!!

By SaltukBugraHan | 8

#5083632 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Yep, you are casserole. Deal with it.

Reply

feven | 32

#5752665 - Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:33

Nm

By charvisioku | 22

#5083641 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:57

A+ for effort and imagination.

Reply

domking1315 | 20

#5083962 - Friday 26 October 2012 13:32

No we need a grade that exceeds A+ for this

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5084406 - Friday 26 October 2012 16:44

^ And that would be...?

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5084455 - Friday 26 October 2012 16:56

A++?

Reply

maosquare | 18

#5085877 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:32

A* - It's A with a star in it. Yes, the grades' that high...

By Classlfied | 4

#5083672 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:08

I wish my mother called me delicious.

By mario2012 | 18

#5083677 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:09

Seems legit.

By MissEmma_fml | 22

#5083681 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:10

Who doesn't wanna be a casserole? Think yourself lucky OP!

By oj101 | 33

#5083708 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:21

Are you all red and hot, just like a casserole?

Reply

BreeannHatesYou | 4

#5084803 - Friday 26 October 2012 18:38

What kind of casserole do YOU eat? O.o

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5086927 - Saturday 27 October 2012 9:16

The kind with meat and vegetables in it. I hope this clears up any doubts.

By Demonfish | 14

#5083724 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:35

And what did you do to deserve being labeled as a cassero-asshole, OP?

Reply

loopsy_fml | 14

#5085458 - Friday 26 October 2012 23:09

I would think it would be casshole or caserhole

By CrookedCook | 14

#5083745 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:59

that's just embarrassing and pitiful. at least your mom didn't get the last laugh on this one OP.

Reply

meihua | 19

#5083996 - Friday 26 October 2012 14:13

We did!