Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when... - FML

By Agirl - 25/10/2012 23:44 - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

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Dangling modifier

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By Hair Fail - 22/10/2011 15:32 - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By vcarder - 4/10/2013 20:25 - United States - Newton

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club. One thing led to another, and she told me to meet her out front in 5 minutes. I was so drunk that I stumbled into the restroom instead, then curled up on the floor crying in despair when I realized my mistake. FML

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By haappynewyear - 1/1/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

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By MissArizona - 8/8/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By "MarchingNightmare" - 16/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. 4 of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 08:02

Hold the line

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 19:54 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By really? - 13/8/2013 06:58 - United States

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By dukebluedevils13 - 5/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

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By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By Spooked - 6/3/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 07:49 - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

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By bananapie69 - 29/5/2020 23:00

Serial killer

Today, during my staff Google Meet conference, I forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true crime podcast. I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found. FML

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By Sudokori - 29/8/2017 20:00

A Dog's Love = Priceless

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I spent an hour writing 80 thank you cards to everyone who attended my graduationg party. After carefully personalizing each one and sealing them shut, I realized I did not mark the envelopes with names. FML

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By Chris - 2/2/2010 05:40 - France

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 08:25 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By maarkblack - 22/5/2013 14:51 - United States

Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

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By crushed - 23/5/2020 02:00

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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By livinproof - 10/12/2018 13:30

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 18:27 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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By NYMTS - 1/7/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By RhuLynette - 31/8/2011 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

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By aninc - 28/6/2019 23:15 - United States - Boise

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

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By pplsuck - 25/9/2012 23:57 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

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By phonesnshit - 29/5/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

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By NYCproblems - 24/6/2013 14:06 - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 01:00 - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2017 03:29 - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By Chris - 23/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

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By whoneedsloveanyway - 21/6/2020 02:01

Swindler's List

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

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By Crap - 12/4/2016 16:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML

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By tallesttree54 - 11/11/2016 00:38

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By Jarool - 12/5/2014 19:41 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By SickMaMa - 9/12/2014 22:39 - United States - Cortland

Today, my daughter wasn't feeling well, so we allowed her to sleep in bed with us. She snuggled right up with my husband. I felt a little jealous until she turned around and cuddled with me, just long enough to throw up all over me. She then flipped back over and snuggled with her dad. FML

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By pathetic - 20/8/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

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By thiswouldonlyhappentome - 31/5/2011 00:33 - Aruba

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

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By anon - 1/6/2018 01:30

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

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Top comments

By anzie_fml | 9

#5083631 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Call her a bitch and if someone overhears, you were asking her to scratch the big itch on your back.

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5083623 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:53

I'd believe it.

COMMENTS

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5083623 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:53

I'd believe it.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5083647 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:58

I'd laugh.

Reply

preps87 | 0

#5083711 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:25

I'd eat her.

Reply

flockz | 19

#5083756 - Friday 26 October 2012 10:09

well that escalated quickly.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5083826 - Friday 26 October 2012 11:26

I'd tap that.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5083972 - Friday 26 October 2012 13:43

And mom your a bitch...,
No no I meant your witch for Halloween correct?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5084083 - Friday 26 October 2012 15:02

Moms come up with strange terms of endearment.

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5084361 - Friday 26 October 2012 16:37

I think my mom might be related to OP's mom. She has two sides and tries to hide the mean one when company is over.

Reply

_krystallynn_ | 11

#5084657 - Friday 26 October 2012 17:43

same here. :/ ^^^

Reply

AKGirlinSD | 20

#5085143 - Friday 26 October 2012 20:08

45, then we must be sisters! Sorry you have to deal with that crap.

Reply

Barr3lR0ll | 9

#5086812 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:03

Is it just me or was this same exact FML posted like a month ago?

Reply

Mipz | 2

#5092145 - Sunday 28 October 2012 20:49

That's a great cover.

By anzie_fml | 9

#5083631 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Call her a bitch and if someone overhears, you were asking her to scratch the big itch on your back.

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5083704 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:18

Mom scratches her back, she scratches Mom's.

Reply

xlord | 27

#5083726 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:35

But she'll call OP a whore and ask if she wants more.....food

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5083830 - Friday 26 October 2012 11:29

Ask: "anyone fuck-offee?"

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5084726 - Friday 26 October 2012 18:07

27- your picture and comments go together so well...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5084962 - Friday 26 October 2012 19:09

46- that's twice you've said that now, in the space of a few weeks. Move on with life. Nobody's listening.

Reply

maosquare | 18

#5085872 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:30

Well, of course no ones listening. We're reading.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5085888 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:45

54- that was such a hilarious remark I laughed my neckbrace off!!

By SaltukBugraHan | 8

#5083632 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Yep, you are casserole. Deal with it.

Reply

feven | 32

#5752665 - Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:33

Nm

By charvisioku | 22

#5083641 - Friday 26 October 2012 8:57

A+ for effort and imagination.

Reply

domking1315 | 20

#5083962 - Friday 26 October 2012 13:32

No we need a grade that exceeds A+ for this

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5084406 - Friday 26 October 2012 16:44

^ And that would be...?

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5084455 - Friday 26 October 2012 16:56

A++?

Reply

maosquare | 18

#5085877 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:32

A* - It's A with a star in it. Yes, the grades' that high...

By Classlfied | 4

#5083672 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:08

I wish my mother called me delicious.

By mario2012 | 18

#5083677 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:09

Seems legit.

By MissEmma_fml | 22

#5083681 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:10

Who doesn't wanna be a casserole? Think yourself lucky OP!

By oj101 | 33

#5083708 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:21

Are you all red and hot, just like a casserole?

Reply

BreeannHatesYou | 4

#5084803 - Friday 26 October 2012 18:38

What kind of casserole do YOU eat? O.o

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5086927 - Saturday 27 October 2012 9:16

The kind with meat and vegetables in it. I hope this clears up any doubts.

By Demonfish | 14

#5083724 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:35

And what did you do to deserve being labeled as a cassero-asshole, OP?

Reply

loopsy_fml | 14

#5085458 - Friday 26 October 2012 23:09

I would think it would be casshole or caserhole

By CrookedCook | 14

#5083745 - Friday 26 October 2012 9:59

that's just embarrassing and pitiful. at least your mom didn't get the last laugh on this one OP.

Reply

meihua | 19

#5083996 - Friday 26 October 2012 14:13

We did!