Intimacy: Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when...

By Agirl - 25/10/2012 23:44 - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 846

You deserved it 2 787

Intimacy

Good kid

Broken heart

This is war!

By GideonSquire - 13/06/2017 20:00

Today, I walked through a car park and brutally bashed my head, leaving a tennis ball sized lump on my forehead on an overhead sign saying, "Max height 6"6'". I'm 6"4'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 762

You deserved it 419

By Anonymous - 12/11/2013 23:56 - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 217

You deserved it 3 256

By Anonymous - 13/06/2013 18:56 - India - Pune

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 356

You deserved it 3 819

By ccgundum - 01/02/2014 07:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 223

You deserved it 3 984

By fired - 17/09/2013 04:36 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 064

You deserved it 98 879

By "Sarah-Louise James" - 29/04/2019 12:00

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 211

By TheNerd - 12/05/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 9 771

By Anonymous - 29/01/2015 23:32 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, for the nth time, my father reminded me that I should study things related to the "real" world, as if I was studying theology, astrology or something. I'm studying for a master's degree in physics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 438

You deserved it 2 583

Duh.

By psb1990 - 01/09/2018 01:30

Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 3 521

Completely soaking

By wet and sad - 15/11/2019 03:00

Today, I was walking to work when it was starting to pour down sideways. I was pretty early anyway, so, I decided to duck into a bus shelter and let it pass. Suddenly, a big truck comes and drenched me with the biggest puddle. Soaking from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 143

By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 799

You deserved it 2 654

By Anonymous - 08/11/2013 23:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 425

You deserved it 8 663

By busted - 25/09/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a club with my friends. I noticed the bouncer looked at me strangely. Then he erupts and screams, "you're the bitch who caused havoc and £255 damage to the cloakroom, pay up or I'll call the fuzz!" Little did I know my 15-year-old sister stole my ID last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 777

You deserved it 3 247

Mystery woman

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 07:58

Today, my husband of 4 years is tagged in a #ValentinesDayChallenge post on Facebook. No, I didn’t tag him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 85

By say my name - 01/07/2012 01:35

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 251

You deserved it 11 360

By CelibateHero - 05/10/2013 06:31 - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 914

You deserved it 3 489

By HappyBirthday - 28/05/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 273

You deserved it 4 747

By cb - 25/11/2013 18:58 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I have to spend the whole day in a moving truck with my dad. He had beans for dinner, and it's too cold to crack open a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 014

You deserved it 4 066

By HM - 06/04/2011 17:28 - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 704

You deserved it 3 565

By fviz - 07/02/2013 09:51 - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 105

You deserved it 2 782

By oink401 - 05/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 841

You deserved it 4 355

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 16:51 - Canada - Galt

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 566

You deserved it 5 419

Body issues

By ashamed - 09/05/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me showering in the dark. When he asked why, I just told him it’s more relaxing for me. Truth is, after losing 120 lbs, I’m so disgusted by the look of my sagging skin that I can’t bear to see myself naked anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 725

You deserved it 335

By Alex - 26/06/2014 21:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 785

You deserved it 3 400

By noname - 27/12/2008 04:07 - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 224

You deserved it 23 789

By Eganstein - 24/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 862

You deserved it 2 694

By GaveAnInchTakeAMile - 11/05/2013 09:52 - United States

Today, my brother's friend was about to drive home drunk, so I convinced him to think and not be stupid. It wasn't an invitation to puke on my floor then try to crawl into bed with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 509

You deserved it 5 832

Stalker vibes

By nerdychick - 16/02/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 980

You deserved it 22 235

By MissIsabel - 03/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 067

You deserved it 12 426

No stupid questions

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 01:11 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17 years-old, and was deadly serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 294

You deserved it 3 275

By Nate - 06/03/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 491

You deserved it 52 529

By DrewK - 14/05/2013 20:09 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 768

You deserved it 4 512

By maddiee. - 21/10/2010 15:20 - Indonesia

Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 209

You deserved it 7 308

By M. Moore - 10/06/2019 18:00

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 049

You deserved it 209

By SugarMyBalls - 19/12/2012 23:31 - United States - Winder

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 430

You deserved it 3 138

By cunting cunts - 29/05/2012 17:10 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 463

You deserved it 3 456

By kagan - 08/08/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 990

You deserved it 145

8 out of 10 orthopedists

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, I had a talk with my orthopedist about getting back to fitness training. However, according to her, all my favorite exercises, although taught to me by professionals, are "things one should never do" and "very very bad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 956

You deserved it 45 229

By twat - 23/01/2009 06:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 965

You deserved it 7 810

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Top comments

anzie_fml 9

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Call her a bitch and if someone overhears, you were asking her to scratch the big itch on your back.

Kallian_fml 21

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:53

I'd believe it.

Kallian_fml 21

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:53

I'd believe it.

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:58

I'd laugh.

preps87 0

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:25

I'd eat her.

flockz 19

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Friday 26 October 2012 10:09

well that escalated quickly.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Friday 26 October 2012 11:26

I'd tap that.

patrickalamo 47

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Friday 26 October 2012 13:43

And mom your a bitch..., No no I meant your witch for Halloween correct?

KiddNYC1O 20

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Friday 26 October 2012 15:02

Moms come up with strange terms of endearment.

AKGirlinSD 20

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Friday 26 October 2012 16:37

I think my mom might be related to OP's mom. She has two sides and tries to hide the mean one when company is over.

_krystallynn_ 11

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Friday 26 October 2012 17:43

same here. :/ ^^^

AKGirlinSD 20

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Friday 26 October 2012 20:08

45, then we must be sisters! Sorry you have to deal with that crap.

Barr3lR0ll 9

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Saturday 27 October 2012 8:03

Is it just me or was this same exact FML posted like a month ago?

Mipz 2

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Sunday 28 October 2012 20:49

That's a great cover.

anzie_fml 9

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Call her a bitch and if someone overhears, you were asking her to scratch the big itch on your back.

spaboolly 26

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:18

Mom scratches her back, she scratches Mom's.

xlord 27

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:35

But she'll call OP a whore and ask if she wants more.....food

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Friday 26 October 2012 11:29

Ask: "anyone fuck-offee?"

Harpy20 24

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Friday 26 October 2012 18:07

27- your picture and comments go together so well...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Friday 26 October 2012 19:09

46- that's twice you've said that now, in the space of a few weeks. Move on with life. Nobody's listening.

maosquare 18

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:30

Well, of course no ones listening. We're reading.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:45

54- that was such a hilarious remark I laughed my neckbrace off!!

SaltukBugraHan 8

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:55

Yep, you are casserole. Deal with it.

feven 32

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Wednesday 13 November 2013 2:33

charvisioku 22

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Friday 26 October 2012 8:57

A+ for effort and imagination.

domking1315 20

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Friday 26 October 2012 13:32

No we need a grade that exceeds A+ for this

rocker_chick105 31

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Friday 26 October 2012 16:44

^ And that would be...?

ElmoSaysSquishy 28

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Friday 26 October 2012 16:56

A++?

maosquare 18

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:32

A* - It's A with a star in it. Yes, the grades' that high...

Classlfied 4

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:08

I wish my mother called me delicious.

mario2012 18

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:09

Seems legit.

MissEmma_fml 22

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:10

Who doesn't wanna be a casserole? Think yourself lucky OP!

oj101 33

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:21

Are you all red and hot, just like a casserole?

BreeannHatesYou 4

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Friday 26 October 2012 18:38

What kind of casserole do YOU eat? O.o

oj101 33

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Saturday 27 October 2012 9:16

The kind with meat and vegetables in it. I hope this clears up any doubts.

Demonfish 14

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:35

And what did you do to deserve being labeled as a cassero-asshole, OP?

loopsy_fml 14

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Friday 26 October 2012 23:09

I would think it would be casshole or caserhole

CrookedCook 14

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Friday 26 October 2012 9:59

that's just embarrassing and pitiful. at least your mom didn't get the last laugh on this one OP.

meihua 19

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Friday 26 October 2012 14:13

We did!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 101

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 288

Duh.

Completely soaking

Mystery woman

Body issues

Stalker vibes

No stupid questions

8 out of 10 orthopedists

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