Love and Kids: Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock”... - FML

By Failure2017 - 04/11/2017 19:30 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 354

You deserved it 464

Own it

Sorry…

Compromises

By collball22 - 22/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 356

You deserved it 5 398

Rock, hard place

By Anonymous - 27/05/2021 11:01

Today, my parents have decided to ground me if I don’t wake up early. If I wake up early, I get migraines. Not only that, but the migraines always last for exactly as long as the grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 111

By ghgfd - 06/03/2013 14:53 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 793

You deserved it 4 411

By bluemonday - 17/04/2009 11:47 - Canada

Today, I was having a dream that I was climbing out of a well. While almost out, I felt someone grab my knee; I screamed loud in terror. When I opened my eyes, nearly 25 people were staring at me. The lady across from me apologized for hitting me with her bag. I was on the C-train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 373

You deserved it 7 396

By J - 11/02/2016 15:44 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my sister punched me in the face. My dad was actually annoyed with me when I told him. He said I'll never be a "real man" if I can't take a hit from a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 225

You deserved it 3 272

By Anonymous - 02/06/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 566

You deserved it 18 341

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's to get a checkup. When the nurse stuck the Otoscope into my ear to look, she was disgusted. When she pulled it out, she told me that I had an ear infection, and that she'd popped a pimple in there by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 850

You deserved it 5 307

By masterdisaster - 11/04/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 697

You deserved it 19 474

By sadgirl - 16/03/2017 18:00

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 073

You deserved it 434

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

By Anonymous - 17/09/2019 14:00

Spicy

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 138

You deserved it 81

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 16:45 - United States

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 963

You deserved it 32 306

He got game

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 17:00

Today, my son told me he's had 5 boyfriends and is currently working to improve himself before getting into another relationship. When I was his age, I was still single. My son has more game than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 209

By chubbyg - 20/09/2014 12:23 - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 273

You deserved it 6 439

By Anonymous - 27/07/2019 16:00

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 681

You deserved it 154

High expectations

By Anonymous - 29/09/2021 11:00

Today, I was super flattered to find out that one of my former white collar colleagues recommended me for a job. It wasn’t until the phone interview that I realized it was at the lunch counter at her new office building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 74

Lonely

By GinaD - 02/05/2021 11:01

Today, my friend got an engagement ring. She’s been with her boyfriend for 2 years and it started as a one-night stand. Whenever I have one-night stands, the only thing I get is left on "read". FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 647

By oldmama728 - 28/04/2011 11:07

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 301

You deserved it 46 217

By whatthefuck - 27/12/2015 23:22 - United States - Providence

Spicy

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 462

You deserved it 5 652

By myself - 30/01/2012 05:24 - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 258

You deserved it 3 933

By bleach bleach bleach - 22/12/2013 17:22 - United States - Las Vegas

Spicy

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 550

You deserved it 7 672

Young at heart

By nothreat33 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister that read, "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 505

You deserved it 3 835

By rosesareyellow - 30/07/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 033

You deserved it 33 393

By Steve - 16/12/2012 06:25 - United States - Oshkosh

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 667

You deserved it 18 275

Galaxy brain take

By Oragami - 12/06/2020 14:07

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 210

By layout - 05/06/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, while laying out, I kept feeling something misty, like a spray bottle. Curious as to what it was since it kept coming, I looked up, only to see the painters were peeing over the side of the house, and the heavy breeze was turning their piss into a refreshing mist for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 811

You deserved it 4 049

By axel519 - 31/12/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 979

You deserved it 3 041

By crunknasty - 30/03/2013 05:19 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 002

You deserved it 61 672

By underachiever - 20/02/2010 07:29 - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 941

You deserved it 3 913

Truthbomb

By DuckMan - 07/10/2017 13:00

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 646

You deserved it 918

By kate - 29/04/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 735

You deserved it 8 531

By chanclepants - 27/01/2010 13:35 - France

Spicy

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 338

You deserved it 14 033

Freaked out

By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 748

By ActuallyDoneFor - 10/11/2018 10:30 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my boyfriend and I had a friend over. This friend was talking about how 2 girls were trying to get with him. My boyfriend says "I wouldn't ever fuck the blonde one, but I would do the other one in a heartbeat." Then, realizing what he said, he hesitantly added "...if I was single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 234

You deserved it 397

Big whoops

By Anonymous - 11/11/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 517

You deserved it 4 560

By ZydecosGirl - 10/05/2013 03:11 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I started the bleaching treatments that my dentist recommended. Now, my two front teeth have ultra white spots, the rest of my teeth are still yellow and the roof of my mouth is burned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 984

You deserved it 8 549

By Dumbass - 20/06/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 608

You deserved it 3 707

By in pain and tardy - 11/03/2016 23:00 - United States - Easthampton

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 828

You deserved it 1 314

By peteswentzbass - 26/01/2013 17:18 - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 937

You deserved it 3 398

By need sleep - 25/02/2015 16:53 - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 269

You deserved it 2 326

By nobrows - 06/04/2012 17:11 - United States - Malvern

Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 884

You deserved it 6 373

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Top comments

ezrajab 22

Sunday 5 November 2017 1:21

Yea sounds like it’s time to have a talk with him about what’s appropriate in front of your kid and what stays behind closed doors! FYL op

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 5 November 2017 1:13

Hey, at least you’re not his second favorite meat sock. Glass half full!

Comments

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 5 November 2017 1:13

Hey, at least you’re not his second favorite meat sock. Glass half full!

Reagan Seidel 4

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Sunday 5 November 2017 1:20

You know, I somehow doubt that that’s very comforting.

azouwa 26

Sunday 5 November 2017 6:02

ha ha ha ha

ezrajab 22

Sunday 5 November 2017 1:21

Yea sounds like it’s time to have a talk with him about what’s appropriate in front of your kid and what stays behind closed doors! FYL op

DragonMaiden7 15

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Sunday 5 November 2017 1:34

I’d start referring to him as “Ex husband number One”

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Monday 6 November 2017 7:41

Jesus Christ if that's something you'd get a divorce over you should just lock yourself in a room

DragonMaiden7 15

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Monday 6 November 2017 7:44

It’s a joke. Chill out a little Miss Frizzle.

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Monday 6 November 2017 22:12

Well the proof is in the pudding as the saying goes... Looking at nickname it uses one can surmise that perhaps it doesn't take things lightly lol

MissMacabre69 13

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Sunday 5 November 2017 2:57

What a charming term of endearment! Sounds like a keeper and also, does he have others that are not his "favourite"??

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 5 November 2017 11:48

Like, I dunno, maybe literal socks...?

19mackay92ally 4

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Sunday 5 November 2017 19:46

he could've been implying she was the best "meat sock" from the other sexual encounters he had in the past either way disrespectful and wouldn't be funny if the kid repeated it to other people

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Sunday 5 November 2017 4:08

that's hilarious. I would have laughed so hard. too funny!

boopingsnoot 24

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Sunday 5 November 2017 5:25

When he gets home from work, ask him, "how was my little cocktail weiner's day today?"

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Sunday 5 November 2017 5:43

That's not the same as simply talking dirty ( like "I wanna bend you over!") because it's disrespectful too. He's teaching the kid vile terms he hopefully will never say unlike ordinary sex terms which he will naturally use when he's older. He's showing the kid his mother disrespected, which always hurts. And he's modeling an unhealthy way to relate to sex partners. It's not just tacky. It's shit parenting. And shit spousing.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 5 November 2017 11:47

Some people find that sort of thing funny. It is not "shit spousing" just because you don't. Maybe he shouldn't have said it in front of the child, but I highly doubt the child will pick it up unless he says it often, and will probably forget about it by the time they are at the age that they would understand it as a sex term.

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Sunday 5 November 2017 5:45

But wait, did he maybe say it in the context of sock puppet characters being on the TV? Maybe he didn't mean it as sexual harassment but more like "You are fun like these puppet people I have on my mind"? I sure hope it was something like that!

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Sunday 5 November 2017 8:30

Just refer to him as your least satisfying dildo, he’ll soon shut the fuck up!

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Sunday 5 November 2017 8:46

This really depends on the type of relationship you have and the age of your son. I have teenagers and wouldn't be bothered. It is healthy for kids to see parents joking and being comfortable together.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 1 091

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 177