Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk.... - FML

By fiftyshardsofbroccoli - 26/10/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

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Boozehound alert

Boom, headshot

No justice

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By missedout - 5/2/2013 22:48 - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By duckthehack - 28/1/2011 14:25 - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

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By booboo300 - 29/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

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By genderless - 17/10/2016 19:34 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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By pinecones - 2/2/2015 14:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 05:49 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

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By british_babe - 5/10/2013 17:51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was reminded that while I have a nice waist, bum and boobs, I'm unspeakably ugly. I was walking down the street when a guy wolf-whistled from behind me, and when I turned around, he visibly recoiled in disgust. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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By CoalRose - 11/9/2016 20:33 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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By seriously?? - 4/2/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

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By uglyshoegirl - 8/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

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By mypelvishurts - 23/2/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

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By tootles - 22/5/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By ashamed - 25/11/2015 15:50 - United States - Buffalo

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

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By nerderer - 5/6/2015 02:17 - United States - Duluth

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

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By snidpea - 31/1/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2016 09:23 - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

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By Airhead - 6/11/2009 19:48 - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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By iPhonekid - 27/5/2012 07:19 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I texted my friend and asked her what her sad status on Facebook was about. She texted me back saying her step-mother had passed away. I tried to reply with "awwh" but my phone autocorrected it to "ahaha." FML

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By justlittleoldme - 12/3/2010 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed 'I Love You'. After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back and said, 'What kind of gun was it?' FML

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By that kind of girl - 2/4/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 16:09

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

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By Anon - 7/5/2011 06:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By deeenalynn - 18/7/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 14:03 - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

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By Invisible - 19/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

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By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By eggman 583 - 13/9/2016 21:12 - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 14:00

Unsanitary

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2014 17:39 - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

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By CPD - 15/10/2011 04:12 - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

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By doodler - 27/2/2014 11:59 - United States - Hurst

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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Top comments

By 0_0ha | 13

#5085908 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

The day when your grandmother tells you to be a slut...

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085910 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

If mothers know best, then grandmothers must really know everything best.

COMMENTS

By 0_0ha | 13

#5085908 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

The day when your grandmother tells you to be a slut...

Reply

RaizerBerry | 3

#5085954 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

I would just walk away.

Reply

Zoh_Aubrey | 8

#5085993 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:13

I'd ask her if she fooled around with anyone famous back in the day.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5086038 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:29

#14 would you really want to know that about your granny?

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5086092 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:56

#20: Wouldn't you like bragging rights to possibly being the unknown, yet loved grandson of Elvis?

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5086113 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:06

#27 that's a damn good never thought of it like that.

Reply

drewcat21 | 0

#5087050 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:58

Anyone else thinking this is what lies in the future for Snooki's grandchildren?

Reply

KamGujari | 3

#5109820 - Saturday 3 November 2012 6:17

AHHAHAHAHAH

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085910 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

If mothers know best, then grandmothers must really know everything best.

Reply

LoveGuru69 | 0

#5087767 - Saturday 27 October 2012 16:26

i wonder if OP can give me her grandmas phone number..

Reply

AH1Zviper | 15

#5088848 - Sunday 28 October 2012 0:08

Are you really that dedperate?

Reply

drewcat21 | 0

#5089717 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:57

78 have you not seen the movie Yes Man? Lol

By bReLiNg | 18

#5085922 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

Sounds like grandma knows her sausage! To think, if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be here...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5087075 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:13

Btw the sounds of it, grandma didn't exactly make it hard for OP not to exist. Ah, the hippy era...

By Natasha14641 | 7

#5085923 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

Imagine your grandpa "conning" her into blowing him. You're welcome.

Reply

tnlander | 20

#5085972 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:09

That's just awful. You have just damaged OP with that thought for the rest of her life.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5087079 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:15

And anyone else who read that comment :(

Reply

Tuffay | 14

#5087568 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:12

What did I tell you Hun... If you eat the last cookie, you gotta suck the sausage. Sorry, it's early here!

By ambowew | 7

#5085931 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:58

To be fair, your grandmas love life has been getting around quite a bit.

Kiss me, Ketut.

Reply

Tidus0 | 17

#5086181 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:39

Haha we all knew the sexual tension between Rhonda and Katut lol. The latest ad tells all!!

Reply

makowiec | 11

#5087084 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:16

Hahah love those ads!

By mario2012 | 18

#5085939 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:01

Such a charming granny you have there.

By Accuraxy | 10

#5085941 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:01

Granny is a player!

By ICastillo | 24

#5085942 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:02

Grandpa: hurry quick I'm having a heartache need you to give me a blow job to live....

Grandma: Oh no ok .........

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5086213 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:53

Pretty sure that would cause one.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5086437 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:50

But he would die a happy man.

By byRose | 7

#5085952 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

Sleeping around isn't your only choice by the way.

By Missusluv313 | 9

#5086005 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:15

Damn that sucks. Actually hearing your grandmother use the word blowing is never, ever a good thing.