Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk.... - FML

By fiftyshardsofbroccoli - 26/10/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Oh, hai!

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Princess - 28/5/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML

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By jkmartinjk - 28/11/2012 04:58 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 10:41 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:59 - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By scot - 2/9/2012 15:38 - United States - Granby

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, then her father's voice. I had to fake constipation noises until he left. FML

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By toilet on the clock - 8/6/2016 10:40 - China - Guangzhou

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By imblue42 - 24/6/2015 05:16 - United States

Today, I walked into the dining room to find my mom popping pimples on my dad's back. FML

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By Frustrated - 13/7/2019 22:30

Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 22:00 - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 06:52 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

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By talktothefacecausethehandswanking - 22/6/2013 18:54 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my husband decided he would rather rage-wank to my mum's Facebook profile picture than make love to me. FML

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By forgotmyownbirthday - 27/11/2009 14:26 - United States

Today, I got no happy birthday wishes from anyone. I decided to call my sister to see if she'd remembered. My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday. She said that it's tomorrow. After ten minutes of arguing with a 6-year-old, I checked the calendar. It's tomorrow. FML

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By station - 5/5/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 17:30

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

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By slaughterteddy - 20/7/2016 23:23 - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

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By fmyarse - 22/7/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By caitywebbkid - 11/12/2016 15:56 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was cutting some paper when I accidentally cut a sizeable chunk out of my finger. I went to my car to get my bumbag (I'm a lifeguard) so I could patch it up. I then promptly got a large piece of glass in my foot. FML

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By My rapey cat (doesn't even have balls) - 21/4/2018 01:30

Today, my 20-year-old sister is taking care of my cat while I am out of state. She sent a photo of him "playing in a silly way" with her kitty. I then had to very seriously explain to her that in the photo, my cat and her cat were trying to make more cats. FML

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By feeldumb - 11/6/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

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By grossed the f out - 13/12/2010 05:01

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By blububble412 - 22/1/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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By Bec99 - 15/2/2019 19:00 - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I found out I have celiac disease. I also happen to be a baker and will be constantly reminded of all the wheat products I can no longer enjoy. FML

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By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2017 00:00

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By hawkknight - 23/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

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By ouchmyeye - 10/6/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

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By Twiddle - 7/12/2009 07:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

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By surfergal91 - 14/2/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

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By holywowz - 17/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

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By hurts - 4/5/2009 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - 3/3/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By hannieannie - 9/2/2016 21:51 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

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By Gavin - 20/2/2012 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

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By musicthief - 22/10/2012 22:51 - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

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By OMFG I LOVE MLP - 24/8/2012 21:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML

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Top comments

By 0_0ha | 13

#5085908 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

The day when your grandmother tells you to be a slut...

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085910 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

If mothers know best, then grandmothers must really know everything best.

Comments

By 0_0ha | 13

#5085908 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

The day when your grandmother tells you to be a slut...

Reply

RaizerBerry | 3

#5085954 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

I would just walk away.

Reply

Zoh_Aubrey | 8

#5085993 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:13

I'd ask her if she fooled around with anyone famous back in the day.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5086038 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:29

#14 would you really want to know that about your granny?

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5086092 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:56

#20: Wouldn't you like bragging rights to possibly being the unknown, yet loved grandson of Elvis?

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5086113 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:06

#27 that's a damn good never thought of it like that.

Reply

drewcat21 | 0

#5087050 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:58

Anyone else thinking this is what lies in the future for Snooki's grandchildren?

Reply

KamGujari | 3

#5109820 - Saturday 3 November 2012 6:17

AHHAHAHAHAH

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085910 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:54

If mothers know best, then grandmothers must really know everything best.

Reply

LoveGuru69 | 0

#5087767 - Saturday 27 October 2012 16:26

i wonder if OP can give me her grandmas phone number..

Reply

AH1Zviper | 15

#5088848 - Sunday 28 October 2012 0:08

Are you really that dedperate?

Reply

drewcat21 | 0

#5089717 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:57

78 have you not seen the movie Yes Man? Lol

By bReLiNg | 18

#5085922 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

Sounds like grandma knows her sausage! To think, if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be here...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5087075 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:13

Btw the sounds of it, grandma didn't exactly make it hard for OP not to exist. Ah, the hippy era...

By Natasha14641 | 7

#5085923 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

Imagine your grandpa "conning" her into blowing him. You're welcome.

Reply

tnlander | 20

#5085972 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:09

That's just awful. You have just damaged OP with that thought for the rest of her life.

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5087079 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:15

And anyone else who read that comment :(

Reply

Tuffay | 14

#5087568 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:12

What did I tell you Hun... If you eat the last cookie, you gotta suck the sausage. Sorry, it's early here!

By ambowew | 7

#5085931 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:58

To be fair, your grandmas love life has been getting around quite a bit.

Kiss me, Ketut.

Reply

Tidus0 | 17

#5086181 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:39

Haha we all knew the sexual tension between Rhonda and Katut lol. The latest ad tells all!!

Reply

makowiec | 11

#5087084 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:16

Hahah love those ads!

By mario2012 | 18

#5085939 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:01

Such a charming granny you have there.

By Accuraxy | 10

#5085941 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:01

Granny is a player!

By ICastillo | 24

#5085942 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:02

Grandpa: hurry quick I'm having a heartache need you to give me a blow job to live....

Grandma: Oh no ok .........

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5086213 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:53

Pretty sure that would cause one.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5086437 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:50

But he would die a happy man.

By byRose | 7

#5085952 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

Sleeping around isn't your only choice by the way.

By Missusluv313 | 9

#5086005 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:15

Damn that sucks. Actually hearing your grandmother use the word blowing is never, ever a good thing.