Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was... - FML

By Oh... - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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Walk the line

Good kid

His house, his asshole

By doomed - New Zealand

Today, the girl I am in love with invited me to stay with her in Europe for 2 weeks, she is even paying for the flights and accommodation. It's because I am such a special friend to her and she wants me to come up to meet her fiancé before she gets married. FML

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By Infested Girlfriend - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sharing is caring

Today, my boyfriend and I are so close that we share everything. This now includes his head lice. Thanks, dude. FML

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By toothbreaker

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend when I accidentally kneed him in the chin and chipped his front tooth. I broke his real tooth, as well as the fake part from when he chipped it ten years ago. FML

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By Pee.H.D - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

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By fuck yuo - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

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By BarryShitpeas - United Kingdom - Cranbrook

Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

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By joyful-not - United States

Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

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By chubrubber - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

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By Peter - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my girlfriend's place I cleaned up her room, put candles everywhere, scented the air and placed rose petals all over her bed in an attempt to be romantic and loving. The first thing she said when she saw all this was "uggg I have to clean all this up". FML

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By hwscrewed - United States

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

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By mile high clubber - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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By Gloria Lovestar

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Today, my husband explained that talking to me makes him miserable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

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By noneofthesex - United States

Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying 'Come over and do me.' He never responded. FML

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By pixie - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I'm in training at an animal shelter. There's an adorable tiny kitten there, which my boss said not to touch it because it's feral. "No way he's dangerous" I said, reaching into the cage to pet it. It struck like a cobra and tore up my arm. My first on-the-job injury is from a KITTEN. FML

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By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Bergen

Today, I got in a minor car accident because my mom had to check how many likes her last photo on Instagram had while driving. FML

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By holycommander - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML

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By JennieA

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

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By Spelit - United States

Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML

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By Bunsostriker - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

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By NotSoFunnyNow

Today, I tried to get a funny reaction from my dogs with a fart, like I saw in a YouTube video. I shat my pants and the dogs didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

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By Kere - Sweden

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By Anonymous

Denial

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

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By epic174 - United States

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

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By Thai rice mistake - United States - Oakland

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

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By MoncaBang - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By lol smiley face - United States

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7825411 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:35

Don’t leave us hanging! What happened when dad met the side guy? This ought to be good!

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7825468 - Friday 26 July 2019 20:19

Well.... what happened next?

COMMENTS

By Kaneki Chiaki | 13

#7825400 - Friday 26 July 2019 16:48

Was it your mother? Or may be someone broke into your house and had sex?

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7825401 - Friday 26 July 2019 16:49

A lot more information than you really needed I guess...

By acmariner99 | 25

#7825405 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:11

Could it be something on tv?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7825411 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:35

Don’t leave us hanging! What happened when dad met the side guy? This ought to be good!

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7825468 - Friday 26 July 2019 20:19

Well.... what happened next?

By LostSoul | 19

#7825646 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:28

and the punchline is?

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7825653 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:34

I hope your dad gave the other guy a few good punches to the face.

By HokieJ | 9

#7825655 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:36

You have a new daddy now!

Reply

Cowgirl1293 | 24

#7825764 - Saturday 27 July 2019 6:50

But what if the new "dad" might just actually be his biological father??

By 404wan | 19

#7825999 - Saturday 27 July 2019 17:35

Didn't i see almost the same FML a short while ago?

By Deadputz57 | 4

#7826010 - Saturday 27 July 2019 18:09

So, who was sex?