Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was... - FML

By Oh... - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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Serious times

Sorry…

Ideal first date

By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 17:00

The student becomes the master

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

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By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 20:02

Get the hell out of Dodge

Today, I realized I'm happier and life is better when my husband isn't around. He isn't abusive, just lazy and uninvolved. We have young kids and I don't know how to leave him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML

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By bgierczak2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

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By sadsadteacher - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

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By fionna_fiamma - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

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By LittleRed79 - Canada

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

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By moobysrocks - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML

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By fuck YOLO - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wannabe psychologist of a brother accused me of lying about all the violence and emotional abuse my ex inflicted on me, all because I went into "too much detail" when describing it, which he says is something only liars do. Thanks for the support. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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By WaterNeeded

Shortage

Today, I came back from a holiday with in-laws who don't speak English. After taking a dump and not being able to flush, I realised they had turned off the water prior to the holiday. I had to show them my poop to explain they had no running water. FML

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By nrelavender - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By gutted - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

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By xxemetahxx

Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

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By rahhhnnnn - 25/4/2020 02:00

You can't win sometimes

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

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By rattledwife666

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

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By Sam

Party for One!

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

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By DC - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By

Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

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By princesss_14 - United States - Seguin

Today, I got a whistle key finder from my grandma for Christmas. This would have been nice if I could actually whistle. FML

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By carless - United States

Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML

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By good job bf - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By laury - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

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By WorkerBee

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my room... to my housemate's room. FML

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By lovefool - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

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By CaityLovesBo - United States

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7825411 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:35

Don’t leave us hanging! What happened when dad met the side guy? This ought to be good!

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7825468 - Friday 26 July 2019 20:19

Well.... what happened next?

COMMENTS

By Kaneki Chiaki | 13

#7825400 - Friday 26 July 2019 16:48

Was it your mother? Or may be someone broke into your house and had sex?

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7825401 - Friday 26 July 2019 16:49

A lot more information than you really needed I guess...

By acmariner99 | 24

#7825405 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:11

Could it be something on tv?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7825411 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:35

Don’t leave us hanging! What happened when dad met the side guy? This ought to be good!

By bosniangirl27 | 21

#7825468 - Friday 26 July 2019 20:19

Well.... what happened next?

By LostSoul | 19

#7825646 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:28

and the punchline is?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7825653 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:34

I hope your dad gave the other guy a few good punches to the face.

By HokieJ | 9

#7825655 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:36

You have a new daddy now!

Reply

Cowgirl1293 | 24

#7825764 - Saturday 27 July 2019 6:50

But what if the new "dad" might just actually be his biological father??

By 404wan | 19

#7825999 - Saturday 27 July 2019 17:35

Didn't i see almost the same FML a short while ago?

By Deadputz57 | 4

#7826010 - Saturday 27 July 2019 18:09

So, who was sex?