Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute... - FML

By loveless - 18/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

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Rock, hard place

Workaholic

Spy vs. Spy

By Jennyfromdablock - 31/12/2010 03:28 - United States

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

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By Kate - 5/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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By Username - 4/8/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

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By thanks_world - 26/12/2013 06:48 - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

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By Mommabear - 15/6/2018 01:30

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

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By you fuckhobbit - 23/12/2012 22:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

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By thanks guys - 7/4/2019 00:00

Today, I’ve been suffering with a fever of 104° as well as an ear and sinus infection. I asked my mom and sister if they could get me meds and fluids from the store. I sent them money through my bank app for the supplies. They took my money and went to lunch instead. I’m still sick as a dog. FML

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By tomuchtime - 2/6/2011 08:46

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

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By phonnah - 20/6/2012 17:59 - United States - Bowie

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2017 14:00

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

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By AndieApocalypse - 3/6/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

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By boiled ladybits - 25/6/2020 14:02

Call the waaaambulance!

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2016 11:49 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

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By sheryl_m - 9/4/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

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By eaglesmile - 3/4/2015 04:37 - India - Mumbai

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

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By pdnne - 12/5/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

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By hurikan68 - 27/7/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I requested two hours off for tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor and manager called me into the office to talk to me about how important it is to be in the office as much as possible. A little later, my supervisor told me that for budgeting reasons, I have to take 3 non-paid days off. FML

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By mistake - 11/5/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By FML FML FML!! - 27/5/2019 06:00

Today, we had to do a scene from Romeo and Juliet. I was Romeo, and this really pretty girl was Juliet. When she found out she was with me, I heard her say "FML." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 13:00 - United States

Today, a guy drunkenly professed his love for me. He did this after walking in on me peeing, which he decided was the time to tell me such a thing. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By hadrienne's pall - 13/5/2016 19:25 - Canada - Markham

Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

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By cl3v3l4nd5t34m3r - 4/6/2012 20:34 - United States - Geneva

Today, I got into a fight with my mom over the chores, and stormed out. When I returned later, I found the house had been egged. My mom told my dad she saw me do it, and he won't believe my side of the story. He says I'll be lucky if I see sunlight this summer. FML

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - 21/12/2014 01:16 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

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By Phoenix0614 - 25/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend." FML

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By theleague - 9/10/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML

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By whydoidothis - 3/10/2014 11:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my colleague and I played yet another wonderful game of 'Tapeworm or Toilet Paper?' in the homeless shelter's toilets we were asked to clean. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 05:08 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By erpuchi - 1/12/2010 01:52 - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By me - 7/9/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 22:36 - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

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By embarrassed - 3/1/2010 06:53 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

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By Matt - 27/6/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I got a new dentist who started out a conversation about school. She asked where I went to school and if I liked my principal. After I told her I thought he was full of himself, she said she was married to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By beateneggs - 2/3/2010 19:57 - United States

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

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By Em - 30/4/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

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By Username - 7/8/2011 08:08 - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

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Top comments

By jf7609 | 0

#868577 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:14

FYL indeed. hopefully they weren't crazy or something

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#868583 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:15

Maybe one day you can do the same for her ;)
She's been unsatisfied since 1972.

COMMENTS

By jf7609 | 0

#868577 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:14

FYL indeed. hopefully they weren't crazy or something

By Crush89 | 0

#868580 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:15

did she actually say cute boys?? is that weird?

Reply

sharpl916 | 0

#869853 - Thursday 18 February 2010 22:16

Unless someone accidently destroys a planet or a universe, I think I read all in FML. Over half of these are, oh, I'm lonely for so many years, oh, my gf or bf dumped me for something random, etc...

By MadaZer0 | 8

#868581 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:15

Couple cute boys? Oh dear... OP don't go into dark alley ways or abandoned parks... Trust me... First it starts out cute with the stalking and the pit sniffing blouse addiction. But it all ends with a circle of guys jerking off around you.

Reply

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv | 2

#870875 - Friday 19 February 2010 3:40

I'm afraid #4... very afraid....

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#868583 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:15

Maybe one day you can do the same for her ;)
She's been unsatisfied since 1972.

Reply

mzhonesty | 0

#868772 - Thursday 18 February 2010 14:10

I've been told to shut up by everyone in my house for laughing so loud. ._.

Reply

H3ALTHFR3AK | 0

#1699632 - Sunday 14 November 2010 10:15

I hear old people get laid pretty regularly, it's not like they have to worry about STD's at that point.

By Epicfailz01 | 0

#868597 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:27

agree with #1

By eur003 | 0

#868603 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:29

catherine004 is hawt!! lol if your love life is pathetic stop spending all your time on here and get out there and meet people!! it's easier than you think...

By MermaidSongXOXO | 6

#868614 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:35

More like your grandma is putting in a good word so you could all have an awesome orgy.

Reply

sharpl916 | 0

#869859 - Thursday 18 February 2010 22:17

grandma just want to see another baby born in the famiy before she dies

By walktovanish | 0

#868625 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:40

did you ever think that maybe your grandma is proud and likes to tell other people about her grandchild? older people do that a lot. if your first response is that your love life is pathetic, maybe it is. go meet people.

Reply

BritishHobo | 0

#869266 - Thursday 18 February 2010 18:25

I do like that that's her reaction. Not 'oh, some cute boys that have heard about me. maybe we could hang out or something'. Just 'man, my love life is pathetic'.

By ninja_ness | 3

#868627 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:43

She felt bad that she was getting more action than you soo she decided to help lol take the help from the pro :)

By Melkezidech | 0

#868637 - Thursday 18 February 2010 12:52

What she didn't tell you was that she went reverse cowgirl with all of them, and was covered in more balls than Chris Griffin on the golf course.