Love and Animals: Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I...

By labie

Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I misgendered her new dog. FML

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Love

Animals

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Out of it

Our house, in the middle of our street

By kittens go meow - United States

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

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By John - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By Elle - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 02:12

Falling Down

Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

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By ugh.. - United States

Today, while working at my life guard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and harshly yelled "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

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By usarmywife

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

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6040

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By limeiscool

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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530

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By Socarates - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

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29187

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By mooseknuckle - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By iwantaraise - Australia

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

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By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Happy Halloween?

Today, I saw photos of my roommate a recent party. OK, I'll admit I'm a little dark-skinned, but was it really necessary for him to color his face in black marker so he could go as "me" for a Halloween party? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

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By catguy - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dover

Today, an Asian man approached me and called me pretty. I thanked him and he asked if I'm Chinese. When I said, "No, I'm Taiwanese" he promptly spat in my face and called me a "traitor to the motherland." FML

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By Baggabbles123 - Canada

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

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By 99520 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in my tidy, small-town neighborhood, I parked my car 50 metres further back from my usual spot just across from our house on a half-empty public street, because it was taken. Apparently, someone didn't appreciate this. So much so, they put a used condom under my windshield wiper. FML

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By cat-astrophic - United Kingdom

Today, after 3 years of studying to be a veterinarian, I found out I may not be able to continue. It's not because I'm failing my classes, but because my body has developed an allergy to cats. FML

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By Sally

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 05:00

Yeet it

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend is on the pill, and even though my girlfriend took emergency contraception, she became pregnant days after the first time we had sex without a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML

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By uneducated - United States

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

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By rybread - United States

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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Picture game

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered the piggy bank I made a Facebook account for has more friends than me. It has 12. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the designated driver. On the way home with my drunk friends, they decide to give me a beer shower. I swerved, and was pulled over by a cop moments after. I was the only one arrested. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7596669 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:33

That bitch! ...or maybe not

By manb91uk | 22

#7596678 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:51

If she’s that emotionally unstable, you’re better off without

COMMENTS

By pjsr | 32

#7596669 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:33

That bitch! ...or maybe not

By Paul De Boor | 8

#7596672 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:37

Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#7596674 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:40

Someone is a bitch but we have to guess!

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7596677 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:49

DID YOU JUST ASSUME ITS GENDER!!?!!??

By manb91uk | 22

#7596678 - Friday 9 February 2018 1:51

If she’s that emotionally unstable, you’re better off without

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7596687 - Friday 9 February 2018 2:54

And you misjudged her mental health too, we all make mistakes. Move on now.

By wolf_wizard1134 | 9

#7596688 - Friday 9 February 2018 2:57

apologize and tell her you'll check next time

David Horgan | 8

#7597338 - Saturday 10 February 2018 14:48

Ask for a dog's gender pronouns? What has this world come too?....

iiSabachthani | 3

#7725615 - Monday 19 November 2018 15:42

Well that's just bonkers.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7596689 - Friday 9 February 2018 3:08

Shouldn’t you leave spaying/neutering up to the pros?

By Simi TheSimtown | 6

#7596712 - Friday 9 February 2018 7:12

What are you and your girlfriend like 12?

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7596718 - Friday 9 February 2018 7:42

Shit happens...