Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I... - FML

By DamnThatsHarsh - 16/10/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

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White line fever

Great boyfriend

Goodbye Bill

By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/1/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By I already have one, thanks - 9/8/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 17:30

Today, I was stopped in traffic when a woman rear-ended me, backed up, and sped off along the shoulder, taking my passenger side mirror with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By kitkat3308 - 27/9/2013 06:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

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By Tupac - 18/10/2017 05:00

Today, I got a new title at work. My boss hyped it up and made it sound amazing, so I accepted. Come to find out it pays 20k less a year and is twice as much work. FML

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By Mark - 30/3/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was working out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML

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By ahappypenguin - 26/9/2012 04:07

Today, I saw a shady looking person on the street. As I walked past him, he said, "Hey, come here." Thinking he needed something, I went over. He handed me several pictures of my wife, in public and at home. I've never seen this man before in my life. FML

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By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By secretsmakefriends - 15/10/2013 21:43 - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 20/1/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By meeeee! - 2/3/2015 13:26 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 04:09 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my girlfriend of five years broke up with me, saying I've changed and she can't be with someone who's so emotional all the time. Well I'm so sorry that after two weeks, I'm not quite over my brother's death yet. FML

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By bruisedego31 - 12/9/2012 21:58 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, my friend was having a party. It was going good until I got the hiccups really bad, and they wouldn't go away. My friend decided to scare them away by shooting a pellet gun right next to my head. Bad news: It blew out my eardrum. I still have the hiccups. FML

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By fuck my goddamn life - 15/2/2014 20:51 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a hotel with my psychotic mom, all because she swore there were "demonic" noises coming from our oven. Yeah, our oven is totally possessed, you idiot. FML

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By soljaboy - 4/6/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

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By anon - 12/4/2011 10:09

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 14:12 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

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By nameless - 9/11/2010 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on a bus that was so overcrowded I had to stand next to the driver with nothing to hang on to. A drunk man got on and for the rest of the half hour journey continuously fell on me, when I got off he smiled and told me as the doors were closing "the last twelve times was for fun." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 14:34 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

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By Doomy - 7/1/2010 14:43 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

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By ballbreath - 16/7/2014 15:44 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 17:38 - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By itchtoscratch - 4/7/2016 04:14

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By thinner than you - 20/11/2012 21:57 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

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By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/5/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By LadySteph12 - 29/10/2009 00:53 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

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By notip - 15/11/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I was at work, when this guy came in and paid for his ice cream, then handed me a dollar. I've never gotten a tip before, so I looked at him and said, "Thank you so much, I appreciate it." He stared at me with a weird look for a moment, and then said, "Can I just get that in quarters?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2013 17:06 - Ireland - Donegal

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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By alone and horny - 20/6/2020 20:01

Some people just don't like surprises

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

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By ZydecosGirl - 10/5/2013 03:11 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I started the bleaching treatments that my dentist recommended. Now, my two front teeth have ultra white spots, the rest of my teeth are still yellow and the roof of my mouth is burned. FML

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By Marlon - 11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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By Daddo - 20/3/2018 14:00 - United States - Elkhart

Call CPS!

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

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By owned - 24/1/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#623514 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:14

What do you mean "mostly naked?" You're a dude! A woman can be topless OR bottomless and call that "mostly naked," with men, it's all or nothing.

What? Did you have just one ball hanging out?

By danis_fml | 12

#623434 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:18

you probably bore her to death because solitaire isn't really that fun either

Comments

By ghostfacekillah | 0

#623423 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:15

who cares

By nam3 | 0

#623426 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:15

2nd

By danis_fml | 12

#623434 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:18

you probably bore her to death because solitaire isn't really that fun either

By ilikeu12 | 0

#623454 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:31

and yor getting solitary in the bedroom tonight

By Trippyfalla | 0

#623478 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:46

you should grow a bigger cock and better dance moves then

Reply

22cute | 17

#3330038 - Thursday 22 September 2011 23:04

No, that probably wouldn't help either. Men are just not as good to look at as women are. And most women are not into visuals like men are. You prove your glam with a woman in the way you touch, the way you make her feel & pay her compliments and attention.

By perdix | 29

#623514 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:14

What do you mean "mostly naked?" You're a dude! A woman can be topless OR bottomless and call that "mostly naked," with men, it's all or nothing.

What? Did you have just one ball hanging out?

Reply

Star928 | 7

#4695825 - Monday 16 July 2012 19:01

He probably has manboobs.

By JassyJas | 2

#623523 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:19

lmao perdix!!!!!! hahahaha

By jw90 | 18

#623552 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:44

Try some new moves instead of the same old routine..OR actually GET NAKED next time.

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#623561 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:50

hahhaha exactly what perdix said.

By WonderBlunder | 0

#623580 - Saturday 17 October 2009 1:08

@perdix: lol.. comment of the week!