Today, my friend and I doodled on a sheet of paper trashing our... - FML

By Busted - 12/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I doodled on a sheet of paper trashing our English teacher. Later, I went to English class, and my teacher asked for us to take out a sheet of loose sheet of paper and write an essay. It wasn't until I had written on the whole front and flipped to the back that I realized I was using the doodle sheet. FML

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Night terrors

Thanks, I'm cured!

All for nothing

By FattyMcFatterson - 24/6/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

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By whatabitch - 16/9/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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By glens - 22/3/2012 06:17 - United States

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

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By monkeywrench - 1/5/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

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By garfield749 - 29/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 02:00 - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 16:41 - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

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By Tottie - 24/6/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, by request from my new boss, I came into work over an hour early to finish some backed-up filing. This seemed like a great opportunity to earn some extra overtime pay. After spending an hour and half filing, I realized I hadn't clocked in for the day. FML

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By Cereal_mistress - 7/10/2013 18:54 - United States - Sonoma

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

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By PeeLeg - 11/3/2013 07:43

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By jamiedevin - 6/11/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I was feeling really sick when I was with my boyfriend at the park. When we were walking, I got really dizzy and collapsed. My boyfriend didn't catch me. His mom took me to the hospital. While I was being poked with needles, he was at home playing COD. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2020 14:00

Bad liar

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 16:54 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

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By sad life - 26/1/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 06:59 - United States - Wittenberg

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

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By bbedlock - 16/4/2011 12:35 - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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By vmml97 - 17/8/2009 21:16 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

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By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

She dared to say ...

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

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By Rynne S. - 13/3/2012 06:12 - United States

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

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By Notasinner - 24/5/2012 22:39 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

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By knickedleg - 22/5/2010 07:03 - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

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By xoragebaby - 24/1/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - 7/11/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 16:00

Today, after barely sleeping all week, I tried some ASMR videos to help me fall asleep. Both my dogs and my husband are out cold, snoring so loud I can't even hear the ASMR. FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

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By anonymous - 16/2/2015 12:57 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

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By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By scammerssuck - 11/8/2012 09:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By thanksnicksparks - 11/6/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

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By PissNTra - 19/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 17:17 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 12:23 - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 16:32 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 00:37 - United States - San Angelo

Today, after months of believing my house is haunted, and years of being scared of the dark, I finally had to admit to myself that the only way I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is if my cat follows me and sits outside the door. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2012 18:47 - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2014 18:44 - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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Top comments

By The_Disturbed | 5

#771082 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:09

Welcome to Karma OP. You slag someone off, you'll get your spritual arse bitten off :D YDI

By ragingflame | 0

#771088 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:10

Eraser or throw something at your teacher and jump out a window

COMMENTS

By The_Disturbed | 5

#771082 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:09

Welcome to Karma OP. You slag someone off, you'll get your spritual arse bitten off :D YDI

Reply

Reyo | 2

#771187 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 2:08

I hope to God you're in Middle school OP...

By MrTrueRedneck | 0

#771086 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:10

Erase Dumbass

Reply

crazycornn | 0

#971569 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 4:02

pen??

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#5807303 - Saturday 28 December 2013 4:21

White out??

By ragingflame | 0

#771088 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:10

Eraser or throw something at your teacher and jump out a window

Reply

Ascaryrobot | 0

#771991 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 15:05

Bang and clear, while she's on the floor after being flashbanged you run like hell.

By ddawg468 | 0

#771098 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:15

that's what u get for doing stuff like that lol

By tman118 | 0

#771109 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:20

punk-ass bitch

By npk88 | 0

#771110 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:20

yeah, you won't be getting much sympathy for this. Sorry. YDI.

By Pearljammer001 | 0

#771119 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:24

all I have to say is that English sucks ass

Reply

Akazuki | 26

#3762130 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 20:33

^ Attitudes like that are the reason why some people can't tell the difference between their, there and they're >.>

By toomuchcrap | 0

#771134 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:37

lol on last commet, pic says o got this-message I don't get it wow
ok-yea eraser and scribbling and eraser again, also don't be stupid and keep it. stash it on someone else/burn/shredder/out of school trashcan

By XFlyingxPiranhaX | 0

#771135 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:38

No sympathy. You always look at all sides of the paper that you are planning on using. That said, maybe you could just copy it to another piece of paper? most of the time spent is just thinking.

also,
first! (not really, but nobody else said it. )

By sfsteve15 | 0

#771139 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:40

These are the idiots that teachers have to deal with.