Intimacy: Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday... - FML

By Familyskank - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Not coming out yet, sorry

Trust

By sobasics - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

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By Forever Alone - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my mom bet my dad $100 that she could pay my boyfriend ten bucks to break up with me. She is now $90 richer. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 13:57

Blood is thicker…

Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

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By nickname - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

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By George Saunders - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

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By jadakorn - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

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By sherryberry2013 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. As we got to the ticket booth, a couple of girls queued behind us. My boyfriend graciously introduced me as his little sister, and invited the girls to join us. We've been together for two years. FML

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By Embarrassed Swimmer - Australia

Today, I went to the pool with my new white bathers. I felt really good about myself because everyone was staring at me until this hot guy came up to me and said "Dude, your bathers are see-through. You need to shave!" FML

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By icantdrive - Canada

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

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By dating a fking cnt - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

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By blakeintheoffice - United States

Today, my insane boss decided I poop too much. Now, every time I go to the bathroom, he follows me in and tries to get me to hurry up by reading passages from 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By bookworm - United States - Victoria

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

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By Ted, E. Vic - United States

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my house after a big party. Everything was great when my parents came home. Except for the bottle of hot and spicy mustard next to the shampoo in the shower. No one knows how it got there. I'm busted because of mustard. FML

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By holy - United Kingdom

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By angry mama

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By MonsterInLaw - United States - Lincoln

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

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By TooAccepting - 6/1/2021 23:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Fragility

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

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By Our Talisman - France

Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML

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By jessica071509 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By Catherine - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By Jololol - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally farted at a board meeting. My boss thought it came from the guy sitting next to me and gave him hell for being a pig. I was too mortified to say anything, even when the guy blamed it on me, which caused my boss to rage at him for lying and then to kick him out. FML

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By Lord_Nick - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

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By MrsFart

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

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By NoWedding - United States

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By cakestar9 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By stanky - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

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By Deadendjob

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

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By mom - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

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By NotRetarded - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

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By Rolax - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

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By Mack - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

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By KingSnow03

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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Top comments

By Janrok24 | 0

#174931 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:04

Just one word: OWNED!

By cristy91 | 33

#174972 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

Tell her she should buy one for that fat trap of hers.

COMMENTS

By Janrok24 | 0

#174931 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:04

Just one word: OWNED!

Reply

z620 | 0

#931116 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:18

that's just sad ur aunts callin u a ho

Reply

higuymb | 0

#981199 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:27

wow

By babawaba | 0

#174936 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

you should give it a try

By oh_dee | 0

#174939 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

OOOOHHHHH! That hurts...hahahaha

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6209626 - Sunday 22 February 2015 12:37

Doesn't necessarily have to, I would have laughed it off tbh lol

By BannedDistress78 | 0

#174949 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:09

ahaahhahahaahahahah go grandma

Reply

iloveyou2129 | 6

#4808942 - Monday 13 August 2012 20:39

*aunt

By Bmlacme | 3

#174950 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

aww that suucckkkss!!!

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5958290 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 4:31

apparently it spreads ;)

By Figureskater_15 | 0

#174964 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

thats harsssh. i feeel bad for youu

Reply

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4951552 - Thursday 20 September 2012 3:06

Why the fuck do you feel the need to add extra letters?

Reply

noobienick | 19

#5946739 - Friday 16 May 2014 6:27

Eeexxxtraaa leeeetterrrrsss*

By NeverBAckDown_fml | 0

#174968 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:11

LOL

By rukusrazor | 0

#174969 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

Well, did they?

By CheezerX | 0

#174970 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

LMFAO! dam that was soo awsome...should of told her atleast ur getting some

By CheezerX | 0

#174971 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

that sux lol but family always talk crap behind each others back

Reply

rydin10 | 18

#6270268 - Thursday 23 April 2015 2:20

Except this was to her face