Intimacy: Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday... - FML

By Familyskank - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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Season finale

They're everywhere

Hang in there

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my step mom had thrown out my baby blanket because it was an "eyesore". It was an heirloom from my birth mother and the only thing I have left from her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By lily - United States

Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family's dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

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By comfort_ - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By anonymous

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

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By innocent72 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I had an interview scheduled for 10:05. When I got there, someone was talking to them, so I sat down to wait. Little did I know this wait would be 45 minutes. I got told to go home and that I'd be rescheduled. FML

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By kay-z - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Anonymous

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

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By homeless - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

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By pussy - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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By skc - United Kingdom

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

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By Passtheicecream

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By Zanovitch - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

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By welpwelpwelp - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a party, I ran into the girl I've liked for ages. I was so nervous, but I managed to keep the conversation going for a half hour. After mustering up the courage to ask her out on a date, her drunk, over-protective ex burst in and threw up on my shirt. Good timing, asswipe. FML

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By That Guy - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

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By dammit

Today, my grandma was arrested for throwing her cane at a man who she thought was mocking her walk. That man was my boyfriend's father, who limps because of his cerebral palsy. He refuses to drop the assault charges. FML

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

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By FuglyBetty - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By accountingclown

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

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By "Gvinson36"

Today, as they were being dropped off, I was informed that I'll be taking care of my grandparents' two cats. My apartment complex doesn't allow pets. FML

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By crazybiotch - Canada

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

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By viperplay53 - United States

Today, while working at a McDonald's drive-through, some dicks decided to pull a "fire in the hole" prank. Granted, it has been done to me before, this time was different. These pleasant people decided to use hot coffee. FML

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By wideman - United States

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

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By NYCguy - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

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By NotANaturist - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from a new years party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

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By jarrettsorko - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By wish.was.single - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year old girl, for my grandpa. FML

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By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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By ANON - United Kingdom - London

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

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By wearingashirtatthepool - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

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Top comments

By Janrok24 | 0

#174931 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:04

Just one word: OWNED!

By cristy91 | 33

#174972 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

Tell her she should buy one for that fat trap of hers.

COMMENTS

By Janrok24 | 0

#174931 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:04

Just one word: OWNED!

Reply

z620 | 0

#931116 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:18

that's just sad ur aunts callin u a ho

Reply

higuymb | 0

#981199 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:27

wow

By babawaba | 0

#174936 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

you should give it a try

By oh_dee | 0

#174939 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

OOOOHHHHH! That hurts...hahahaha

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6209626 - Sunday 22 February 2015 12:37

Doesn't necessarily have to, I would have laughed it off tbh lol

By BannedDistress78 | 0

#174949 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:09

ahaahhahahaahahahah go grandma

Reply

iloveyou2129 | 6

#4808942 - Monday 13 August 2012 20:39

*aunt

By Bmlacme | 3

#174950 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:08

aww that suucckkkss!!!

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5958290 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 4:31

apparently it spreads ;)

By Figureskater_15 | 0

#174964 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

thats harsssh. i feeel bad for youu

Reply

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4951552 - Thursday 20 September 2012 3:06

Why the fuck do you feel the need to add extra letters?

Reply

noobienick | 19

#5946739 - Friday 16 May 2014 6:27

Eeexxxtraaa leeeetterrrrsss*

By NeverBAckDown_fml | 0

#174968 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:11

LOL

By rukusrazor | 0

#174969 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

Well, did they?

By CheezerX | 0

#174970 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:10

LMFAO! dam that was soo awsome...should of told her atleast ur getting some

By CheezerX | 0

#174971 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 23:12

that sux lol but family always talk crap behind each others back

Reply

rydin10 | 18

#6270268 - Thursday 23 April 2015 2:20

Except this was to her face