Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 12:00

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3308

You deserved it

332

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

British Broadcasting Corporation

Goodbye Bill

By yarhyun1 - 19/8/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30175

You deserved it

2516

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11892

You deserved it

99959

Tweet

Share

By anon - 18/1/2012 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37361

You deserved it

5555

Tweet

Share

By Quackadoodledoo - 24/4/2014 02:21 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39080

You deserved it

5379

Tweet

Share

By perpetuallyscrewed - 6/10/2009 04:06

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38750

You deserved it

2161

Tweet

Share

By CHStennis_4 - 3/9/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41177

You deserved it

3846

Tweet

Share

By notenough - 29/8/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47281

You deserved it

10039

Tweet

Share

By Valedict-oops - 9/6/2017 00:00

Today, I walked at my graduation ceremony, proudly wearing my valedictorian cords. It turns out that, after some confusion on behalf of the student services office, I was neither valedictorian nor salutatorian (by 0.2 points). I'm dating the actual valedictorian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4264

You deserved it

453

Tweet

Share

By I Don't Exorcise - 10/5/2012 03:34 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29930

You deserved it

3014

Tweet

Share

By J Rush - 21/3/2012 11:46 - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30090

You deserved it

3226

Tweet

Share

By El Boz - 22/2/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20065

You deserved it

61654

Tweet

Share

By seachelle - 7/5/2019 20:00

Today, the guy I've been seeing posted about having relationship problems and arguments with his girl. I've been in the hospital for surgery for the past few days and have been unable to talk to him. Before this, he told me I was the only one. Guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1834

You deserved it

118

Tweet

Share

By Jill - 9/4/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49425

You deserved it

4341

Tweet

Share

By hungry hungry harvey - 8/5/2016 16:56 - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11526

You deserved it

2492

Tweet

Share

By JJLight - 27/5/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52573

You deserved it

11369

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 21:58 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56545

You deserved it

5134

Tweet

Share

By lone_ranger - 25/9/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27246

You deserved it

3450

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

142515

You deserved it

7483

Tweet

Share

By Addicted2FML303 - 6/12/2010 22:50 - United States

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29647

You deserved it

5197

Tweet

Share

By - 12/1/2017 20:00

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5403

You deserved it

2407

Tweet

Share

By :( - 27/4/2011 06:54

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32066

You deserved it

7060

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/7/2020 23:01

Classic

Today, I caught my sister in bed with my girlfriend. I’m not sure what’s worse, the cheating, the fact I’ve never managed to make my girlfriend moan like that, or the fact this is the second girlfriend she’s stolen from me in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2147

You deserved it

260

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 22:00

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1404

You deserved it

570

Tweet

Share

By Who-is-living-with-whom - 3/11/2016 06:10

Today, my mother finally finalized her divorce! Unfortunately, she'll have to sell the house, and when she does, she'll move in with me. I only moved out a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11603

You deserved it

849

Tweet

Share

By oops - 30/7/2012 00:25 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29069

You deserved it

7060

Tweet

Share

By teapotrevolt - 2/3/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15467

You deserved it

53957

Tweet

Share

By annoyed - 19/12/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36927

You deserved it

2866

Tweet

Share

By pussyface96 - 19/9/2012 09:27 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9573

You deserved it

44334

Tweet

Share

By chaoticnh - 24/6/2011 09:57 - Austria

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30105

You deserved it

12575

Tweet

Share

By wherermypants - 2/8/2012 05:10 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8392

You deserved it

28217

Tweet

Share

By fuck no! - 19/4/2020 23:00

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1441

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23550

You deserved it

2848

Tweet

Share

By 242795 - 24/9/2016 06:12 - United States - Buies Creek

Today, after finally deciding to push past my extreme shyness, I talked to the person beside me in class. I was so nervous that when I went to take a sip of my coffee, it slipped out of my hand and splashed all over both of us. Not only did I ruin her white dress, but I also gave her mild burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12152

You deserved it

1382

Tweet

Share

By GeeThanksMom - 25/2/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4536

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By GDBeast - 9/1/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43288

You deserved it

6282

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 19:40 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35507

You deserved it

4787

Tweet

Share

By Cuzles - 23/3/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18529

You deserved it

36068

Tweet

Share

By theynamedmeluke - 23/9/2013 22:49 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44202

You deserved it

2846

Tweet

Share

By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - 10/2/2015 18:05 - United States - Tampa

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36955

You deserved it

2749

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38767

You deserved it

5062

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7707797 - Friday 12 October 2018 16:24

All of those people are only related by your parents' marriage, so it's technically legal, even if it does feel gross. Or do you just feel left out of the pseudo-incest lovin'?

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7716283 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 12:42

it's not inbreeding but it sure sounds like you live in the sticks

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7707797 - Friday 12 October 2018 16:24

All of those people are only related by your parents' marriage, so it's technically legal, even if it does feel gross. Or do you just feel left out of the pseudo-incest lovin'?

By whyisitincapital | 25

#7707929 - Friday 12 October 2018 22:13

Sounds like the Bold and the Beautiful.

Reply

Yudith | 20

#7716433 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 17:50

Sounds more like "Down and Dirty", the Italian movie.

By KebbyWebby | 9

#7716280 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 12:40

Your family is just like mine.

Reply

lilfuzzy | 10

#7716441 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 18:04

Plot twist, you’re related!

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7716282 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 12:41

Incest is best...relatively speaking...

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7716283 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 12:42

it's not inbreeding but it sure sounds like you live in the sticks

By skippydoda | 32

#7716299 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:19

A family that plays together stays together.

By Zekfen | 17

#7716308 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:32

Is that you Honey Boo boo?

By Jay Bourgeois | 8

#7716324 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:57

Plot twist: mom and dad are bro and sis

By BasketBallForever293 | 17

#7716371 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 15:40

Quick get outta there

By 1DisGR8 | 32

#7716381 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 15:55

At least they're not blood-related... Although it will be weird telling people your brother married your sister...