Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Great parenting, dude

By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my teacher read my story about a haunted house for a class assignment. She liked it very much and turned it in to the office to be sent into a state writing competition. An hour later, I was called to the office where the guidance counselor called my work "disturbing" and said I "need help". FML

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By Hopelesshomeless - United States - Cedar Rapids

Get a grip

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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By Academia - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By xpxp2002 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 00:01

Weird movie choice

Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, my extremely religious father visited for a family dinner. My daughter had just one job: not to set him off on one of his easily-provoked rants. She nonetheless decided to take a photo in the middle of prayer, because she just HAD to Instagram her food. My father went apeshit. FML

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By scared - United States

Today, I went on a date at a restaurant with a guy. When he promised I wouldn't have to pay the bill, I didn't think he meant we'd be dining and dashing. FML

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By charliebravo77 - United States

Slippery

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, while getting ready for a job interview, I sneezed while brushing my teeth, splattering toothpaste everywhere and ruining my brand new dress. FML

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By deeenalynn - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By snowwhite - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of "how hard he gave it to me last night". FML

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By Mary C. - United States - Mendota

Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML

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By daddoesn'tknowbest - United States

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

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By Shoeless - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

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By BlueSuit - United States - New York

Today, my boss gave me some mentorship. She told me, "You need to learn to let people do things for you. Until then, I'm going to micromanage your project because I want it done my way." FML

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By Anonymous

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By Jack W. - United States

Today, my cat regurgitated his food right on top of a heating vent located on my floor. Now the whole house smells like hot vomit. FML

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By Bailyboo - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was listening to a client's heartbeat with a stethoscope, when I noticed one of my hairs had fallen on her chest. I tried to brush it off, but it didn't move, so I went to pick it up with my fingers. That's when I found it it wasn't my hair, it was hers... and it was still attached. FML

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By laptitesouris - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

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By roadkill0321 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By oshitdonotwant - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By Ford

Today, a child that was born due to my donation to a sperm bank in 1995 contacted me. My current wife, who I met in 2003, is convinced I cheated on her and is filing for a divorce. FML

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By astocks - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

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By Gas-pingForAir - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

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By Bandking - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By daybyday - Australia

Today, I found out that what I thought could be a life-threatening issue causing me chest pains was only because I over-obsessed about it. Now not only do I have social anxiety, but I get so anxious I can create fake illnesses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2021 00:01

Can't take the heat

Today, I almost paid off my credit card. Then, a couple of hours later, my air conditioner broke. Found out it’s 12 years-old and leaking Freon. I’m going to have to get a whole new unit, which will cost me $6,500 to $10,050. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML

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By BleakExpectations

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML

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By I stink

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

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By Workplace woes - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

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Top comments

By riley873 | 21

#7835799 - Friday 23 August 2019 15:31

time for her to gtfo

By Sinshine | 27

#7835939 - Saturday 24 August 2019 0:36

And now she's going to start paying rent and stop living on your expenses.

COMMENTS

By riley873 | 21

#7835799 - Friday 23 August 2019 15:31

time for her to gtfo

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7835807 - Friday 23 August 2019 16:34

I'm sorry but did you tell her that

By RichardPencil | 30

#7835834 - Friday 23 August 2019 18:25

Well, she lived in your dad’s house and drank his wine, and he didn’t give a fuck about her.

Be a good son and buy her a pizza.

By Sinshine | 27

#7835939 - Saturday 24 August 2019 0:36

And now she's going to start paying rent and stop living on your expenses.

By OnReceivingEnd | 14

#7845490 - Sunday 22 September 2019 7:12

"Well that's true...NOW. Here's what it costs for rent and utilities. FUPM."