Animals: Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and...

By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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Animals

Dangling modifier

Death wish

Lockdown is driving us down

By anonymous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By thissinglelife - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By it's just a name - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

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By meagainsttheworld - United States

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML

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By dating a fucking idiot - United States

Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

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By Anonymous

I don't care

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

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By zzzgrady - United States

Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML

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By Zinfandel - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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By my name is sarah - United States - Midland

Today, my mom called me by her favorite TV show character's name. Again. This is the eighth time this week. I'm an only child, and I'm 15. I thought she had my name down pat by now. FML

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By MAC. - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I slept together. In the middle of the night, he saw my phone receiving a text from someone saying "Hey baby, I missed you so much! I'm going to be visiting in a couple of days, hope to see you again, I love you!". He got mad and left my house. It was my dad from Ohio. FML

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By tech_support - Sweden

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By california - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and noticed a man in ripped clothes with a cup out asking for money. I was on my way to the movies but I felt like this man needed it more that me. Right as I gave it to him, he pulled out his blackberry. FML

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By badluckryan - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a homeless man. As we left the train he shook my hand and was seemingly on his way. That was until he caught me greeting my boyfriend, to which he decided to tell the romantic story of how he murdered a man for "getting too close to his woman." FML

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By socially awkward cupcake

Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By why me? - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

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By brokennose - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By Ren - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

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By Takegami

Today. I had my first final exam. That would be fine if I hadn’t gotten sick 4 days ago. No one can go get my antibiotics, I feel like I’m dying and I can’t miss these exams under any circumstance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 09:32 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Insane parents, part 38765

Today, my mum vented her anger on me by shattering my mouse on the floor, taking my keyboard and nearly ripping out my monitor. At least a spare mouse and the on screen keyboard are better than nothing. This hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

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By meepdaleap - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

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By shithead - United States

Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML

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By nattnatt73 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

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By DEE

Out of the mouth of babes...

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

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By Unappreciated Grandchild - United States - Bel Air

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

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By toilet on the clock - China - Guangzhou

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

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By dumblond - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By Madison Gliosci

Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By jgdgjyfg - United Kingdom

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

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Top comments

By MURPHYCHACHO | 5

#208322 - Monday 18 May 2009 9:49

What. The. Hell. Are. You. Smoking?

By fueledbyamy | 0

#208331 - Monday 18 May 2009 9:51

thats so wrong, but so fucking hilarious at the same time!

COMMENTS

By MURPHYCHACHO | 5

#208322 - Monday 18 May 2009 9:49

What. The. Hell. Are. You. Smoking?

iarediana | 0

#547530 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 3:12

LMAO! yea ! what #1 said hahaha

doorknoblover | 3

#644854 - Thursday 29 October 2009 20:16

that is soooo freaking wrong, but so fucking hilarious at the same time!

although why the fuck would you start humping the dog?

LLLLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

PI55f4C3 | 0

#867022 - Thursday 18 February 2010 1:08

WTF

Atmaster | 3

#982909 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 5:37

furries for the freakin win
and that sucks but really what are you smoking

supremes1997 | 0

#984359 - Saturday 24 April 2010 22:12

why would you hump a dog you need a gf nowww

hellokittywhore | 0

#1240667 - Saturday 14 August 2010 11:51

O_O what the FUCK were you thinking?

aasouls | 0

#1711573 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

daaron | 3

#1913266 - Friday 31 December 2010 14:18

lol own that pup man haha WTF my dog does the same and when he does it's bath time for him with cold ass water muahhhhh

Randalltk421 | 0

#2430816 - Saturday 30 April 2011 0:24

This is just...awesome. Just say Cesar Milan told you to do it!

RoseRed28 | 0

#2525344 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 0:03

I heard that too so may that dog just needed someone to put him/her in its place. YOU SHOW THAT DOG WHO HAS THE BIGGER WANG!!!!! >:[]

Jaxon26 | 0

#2665189 - Sunday 12 June 2011 9:18

*Reads FML*
*Facepalms*

babygurl91695 | 2

#3199946 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:56

dude lay of the crack

deviking | 10

#5829610 - Friday 17 January 2014 5:14

Don't you mean uncontrollably light out loud ip ydi but I favorited it be course it was so funny

iMuffinKat | 16

#6520059 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 7:25

I want whatever he's having.

By fueledbyamy | 0

#208331 - Monday 18 May 2009 9:51

thats so wrong, but so fucking hilarious at the same time!

kmow32 | 0

#1318707 - Sunday 29 August 2010 20:59

nice socks ^_^

tellithowitis | 13

#2978150 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 7:54

nice flabs

jamamaman | 5

#5975387 - Saturday 14 June 2014 17:56

Nice nose

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6071869 - Tuesday 23 September 2014 2:51

Eh. It's an ok nose

man_eating_bunny | 18

#6077289 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 0:36

I would love to hear the moms side of the story lol

By schnoid | 0

#208336 - Monday 18 May 2009 9:52

omg, i call shinanigans on that. But it was damn funny!

By 24788 | 6

#208337 - Monday 18 May 2009 9:52

Holy shit that dog is pro. He outsmarted and outplayed you to make you look like the crazy one.

Lol, though why the fuck would you start humping the dog?