Miscellaneous: Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the... - FML

By bob the builders pissed off daughter - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

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Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

Great speech, thanks!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

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By mog - United States

Office embarrassment

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show about wildlife. The moment the narrator said the word "peacock", my boyfriend broke down into hysterical laughter. He laughed to the point of tears, and had to excuse himself. I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By shakira, when the walls fell - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

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By ugh - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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By mlowy - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

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By Bir - Nepal

Early wake-up

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

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By Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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By cait - United States

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By idrow

Today, a bear dragged my neighbor's garbage across the street and stopped right in the middle of my front yard, where it proceeded to scatter the contents and have a feast. When it was finished, it took a massive dump on my lawn. FML

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By GladYoureConcerned - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

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By Sivvus - Reserved

Today, I paid £140 for a train ticket. All the seats were full. When I sat in the corridor the guard yelled at me. I paid £140 to stand outside a stinking train toilet for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

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By Alexander - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

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By reallyhighschool - United States - Torrance

Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

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By female

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

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By shawty_x - United Kingdom

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

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By Megan - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry and I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML

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By NJ - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

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By lance - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bloomfield

Good boy

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By Kolkata - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By Jer - United States - Louisville

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

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By ooops - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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By candice - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

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By frog - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 17:02 - United States - New York

NYC public transport

Today, there was a pretty girl sitting near me on the train home. I thought about asking for her number. Instead, a drunk nitwit decides to wander about the car and comes very close to touching her. She got up and moved to the other end, while I had to deal with a belligerent hobo who was now intent on fighting me. FML

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By Suckered - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

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By lostwife - United States

Today, I lost my job for taking an unauthorized vacation. I just got married and requested time off for the wedding and honeymoon months ago; it was approved then. They forgot, and then got angry because I didn't remind them. I did remind them, the day before I left. FML

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By BlazefireSaber - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

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By littlegirl - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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Top comments

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6496976 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:56

For being drunk he got a shit ton done. That sounds like a couple of months of work for a sober dad.

By Liamj774 | 36

#6496966 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:41

With any luck he may have buried your door in the garden or in the stove

COMMENTS

By Liamj774 | 36

#6496966 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:41

With any luck he may have buried your door in the garden or in the stove

By DenBriZel | 31

#6496967 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:41

If he gets drunk again can he fix it?

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#6497691 - Thursday 31 December 2015 6:58

*singing*
Likely he can't!!

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#6498534 - Friday 1 January 2016 6:30

they should try it who knows could work. or their fridge doors will be found wrong dishwasher in 5 pieces and toaster removed of wires. sounds like a blast actually. get this guy drunk again.

By colton_colton | 49

#6496970 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:42

Take his door instead

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6496973 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:50

He sounds like quite the handyman.

By Zuniga01 | 14

#6496975 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:51

You should tell him to fix his drinking problem...

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6496976 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 9:56

For being drunk he got a shit ton done. That sounds like a couple of months of work for a sober dad.

By fundipmermaid143 | 3

#6496979 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:01

Bob the breaker

Reply

RodzillaX | 30

#6496987 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:13

Can he fix it? No, no he can't.

Reply

rockbandaddict85 | 22

#6499261 - Saturday 2 January 2016 5:26

More like Wreck it Ralph.

By Babysheegoth17 | 8

#6496983 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:05

At least he didn't drive?

By Brunofk7 | 16

#6496985 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:08

This reminds me of when i hit a window to fix it.

By stitesy29 | 18

#6496989 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 10:16

GG