Intimacy: Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to...

By anon - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

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Intimacy

Father material

Egg mode

Get 'em!

By alerra - United States - Baton Rouge

Not mine

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Laurel

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By fmylifebigtime - United States

Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML

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By KidJwal - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

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By Seriouslynow - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

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By xnickx - United States

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

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By cole - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said "hey I love your jacket, where'd you get that?". I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere". FML

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By darkman28 - United States

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

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By pontwa - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

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By Weasel123 - United States - Anadarko

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

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By Livewire - United States

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

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By cjay2200 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw I had 2 kids she wanted to know why I bothered since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

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By It wasnt even that close - Germany - Herford

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

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By loserwithlice - United States

Today, I told my 8 year old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she is ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 17:00

Words, don't come easy

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By willywonks - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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By YoungSmileBones - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By Beeh - United States

Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML

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By baddad - United States

Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML

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By Martin - 8/9/2020 23:01 - Switzerland

Extreme late fees

Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML

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By fuck off, for real - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

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By Radgirl - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By a - Korea Republic of

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

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By Anonymous

Broken vibrator

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

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By MLS - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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By nofunforme - United States - Candler

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

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By AFSDALK:AFSDQWE - United States - Hillsboro

Germaphobe

Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

Great work, son

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got my paycheck from working at my minimum wage job for the last three months. I was delighted when I saw it was worth $846. On my way to cash it, I destroyed my car's suspension. It's going to cost almost $800 to fix. FML

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By limeychefboy

Today, I was on my motorbike 200km from home in the middle of nowhere when I needed to poop, so I found a wooded area and did my thing. As I was climbing back up, I knocked my helmet from its perch and watched it roll right into what I’d just left. FML

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By njh - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

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By artclasstrauma - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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Top comments

By iop330 | 22

#6177211 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

By Wolfparable | 22

#6177213 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:38

Yeesh. Sorry that happened to you. I hope you decided he's not worth your time.

COMMENTS

By tepovre | 18

#6177207 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

Some guys take a while to break in, don't think about it too much, OP

MzZombicidal | 36

#6177255 - Monday 19 January 2015 13:32

Can you elaborate, #1? I'm honestly not sure what you mean.

EverestMelting | 23

#6177281 - Monday 19 January 2015 14:38

Like when someone asks for head, they really mean to give them head until they open up to you. Actually, that's a lie. Dome is dome is dome is dome is dome.

MzZombicidal | 36

#6177295 - Monday 19 January 2015 15:00

Still so confused... Lol!

badluckalex | 23

#6177610 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:57

I'm a guy and I dont even know what the hell they're saying...

Regimental_Phan | 18

#6177643 - Monday 19 January 2015 20:20

my first thoughts to that were....UH WHAT?!

TheNotoriousHGC | 15

#6181112 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:56

I think he is saying it can take a while for guys to "get trained."

By Shamandalie89 | 32

#6177209 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

This reminds me of that banned Master Card commercial...

sisco2901 | 20

#6177326 - Monday 19 January 2015 15:47

This guy apparently didn't bother investing im the wine ans sweet talk, though.

By Obito_Rocks | 6

#6177210 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

Classy. Sorry you had to hear that, a lot of guys only have one thing on their mind's, and it's not always Spongebob :)

jojimugo | 20

#6177403 - Monday 19 January 2015 17:17

Common misconception about guys...we have at least 2 things in our mind

horneyhic | 15

#6177456 - Monday 19 January 2015 18:24

I have 3 things on my mind

ichdprodigy | 12

#6177567 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:31

I can sometimes get to 4 things on my mind. Pretty rare, though.

SirMichael | 13

#6177687 - Monday 19 January 2015 21:03

@77 bone, skin, hair and sex?

Epikatz | 22

#6177704 - Monday 19 January 2015 21:24

Bone? You're into some dark shit buddy....

JustinJK | 21

#6177978 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 4:48

I have other things on my mind besides sex. Like food. But that's about it, sex and food

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6178635 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 20:02

From what I understand about men it's sex, food, sleep, & sometimes (depending on the guy) gaming.

By iop330 | 22

#6177211 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

SpartanMerc | 18

#6177409 - Monday 19 January 2015 17:24

Or not because that would be assault. You could, however, just get out of his car and not talk to him ever again...

badgercheese94 | 16

#6177603 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:53

#61, humour isn't your strongest quality, is it?

MortenM | 17

#6177745 - Monday 19 January 2015 22:27

#4, on behalf of all guys I'd like to express our appreciation that you're trying to convince girls to headbutt us.
Thanks. And ouch.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6178697 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 21:08

The head but would probably hurt her more then him. Head buts hurt both parties and generally speaking guys have a higher pain tolerance. Though not always.