Intimacy: Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to...

By anon - 19/01/2015 05:35 - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 385

You deserved it 6 515

Intimacy

Mama's boy

Broken heart

Animal lover

Big whoops

By Anonymous - 11/11/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 524

You deserved it 4 560

By Sam - 01/04/2015 11:37 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 702

You deserved it 3 664

By facepalm - 27/02/2012 11:06 - United States

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 053

You deserved it 4 322

By Anonymous - 01/05/2012 08:24 - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 761

You deserved it 29 309

By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 461

You deserved it 5 125

By vicgal - 14/08/2009 18:33 - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 917

You deserved it 10 652

By Kat - 08/03/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 190

You deserved it 8 178

By drivingmecrazy - 13/12/2016 16:54 - United States - Stamford

Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically". She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless". FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 210

You deserved it 691

By G-6 - 07/01/2011 11:24

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 055

You deserved it 30 461

By Dang-ItsDanielle - 07/03/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 271

You deserved it 19 390

Don't try this at home

By Lunar-Spice - 07/11/2020 08:01

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 247

You deserved it 746

By LonelyAngel22 - 24/11/2016 08:10

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 378

You deserved it 1 536

By Anonymous - 04/08/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 297

You deserved it 7 922

By anonymous - 27/01/2012 15:26 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 572

You deserved it 2 974

By anonymous - 19/11/2016 18:35 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 301

You deserved it 1 465

Second class citizen

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I got told I am not a good fit for a company because I'm disabled. But that's OK, I can volunteer for the same role, as I don't really need to work anyway, because I'm disabled apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 548

You deserved it 361

By Mak1 - 05/12/2008 08:12 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 576

You deserved it 4 649

By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 067

You deserved it 80 249

By furious at five in the morning - 02/07/2012 12:36 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 308

You deserved it 4 087

By Payte - 08/04/2011 05:31

Today, I was talking to a guy on the phone. I told him I'd be right back. I thought I'd put him on mute. Turns out he heard everything as I took the biggest dump I've ever taken. We haven't talked since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 606

You deserved it 44 218

By Idk - 29/05/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 644

You deserved it 5 083

By SoClose - 03/02/2009 14:25 - Canada

Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 706

You deserved it 5 465

By ninjapup - 02/01/2010 04:40 - Canada

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 2 953

By mislead - 22/09/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 584

You deserved it 6 135

What ARE you doing?

By grounded - 03/01/2010 16:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 944

You deserved it 28 071

By Anonymous - 26/01/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 002

You deserved it 4 009

By Anonymous - 20/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 643

You deserved it 3 418

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 05:03 - United States

Today, I started the internship of my dreams. The company has nothing for me to do, so I sit and stare at the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 95

Rules for life

By Loveless - 23/08/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 500

You deserved it 4 608

By Babyhazy - 05/06/2016 21:52 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 307

You deserved it 1 426

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours unloading boxes into my new apartment. After unloading the entire truck and making trips up and down two flights of stairs, I heard a knock on the door. Apparently the landlord gave me the key to the WRONG apartment. Mine is downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 573

You deserved it 2 929

By sober judge - 03/10/2013 03:46 - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 527

You deserved it 7 837

By oohrahgal - 14/02/2019 16:32 - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 101

You deserved it 29 915

Recipe for disaster

By ApparentlyATerribleDaughter - 12/08/2018 15:00

Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and passed out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 306

You deserved it 183

By sickness_sucks - 15/06/2012 06:19 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 992

You deserved it 17 098

By Wrongword - 17/04/2012 10:52 - China - Shanghai

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 547

You deserved it 4 084

By KittyKat168 - 09/09/2016 09:34 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 593

You deserved it 2 400

Envy

By Anonymous - 26/08/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 180

You deserved it 13 067

By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 02:11 - United States - Gainesville

Today, a student's mother sent me an e-mail complaining that I was requiring her child to read a book containing mild profanity. She then demanded me to let him read an easier book. This would've been somewhat acceptable if the student wasn't in the 12th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 090

You deserved it 2 864

Pile up

By neverforgetyourphone - 05/03/2015 01:18 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 292

You deserved it 2 909

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Top comments

iop330 22

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Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

Wolfparable 22

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Monday 19 January 2015 12:38

Yeesh. Sorry that happened to you. I hope you decided he's not worth your time.

tepovre 18

Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

Some guys take a while to break in, don't think about it too much, OP

MzZombicidal 36

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Monday 19 January 2015 13:32

Can you elaborate, #1? I'm honestly not sure what you mean.

EverestMelting 23

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Monday 19 January 2015 14:38

Like when someone asks for head, they really mean to give them head until they open up to you. Actually, that's a lie. Dome is dome is dome is dome is dome.

MzZombicidal 36

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Monday 19 January 2015 15:00

Still so confused... Lol!

badluckalex 23

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Monday 19 January 2015 19:57

I'm a guy and I dont even know what the hell they're saying...

Regimental_Phan 18

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Monday 19 January 2015 20:20

my first thoughts to that were....UH WHAT?!

TheNotoriousHGC 15

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Friday 23 January 2015 5:56

I think he is saying it can take a while for guys to "get trained."

Shamandalie89 32

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Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

This reminds me of that banned Master Card commercial...

sisco2901 20

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Monday 19 January 2015 15:47

This guy apparently didn't bother investing im the wine ans sweet talk, though.

Obito_Rocks 6

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Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

Classy. Sorry you had to hear that, a lot of guys only have one thing on their mind's, and it's not always Spongebob :)

jojimugo 20

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Monday 19 January 2015 17:17

Common misconception about guys...we have at least 2 things in our mind

horneyhic 15

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Monday 19 January 2015 18:24

I have 3 things on my mind

ichdprodigy 12

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Monday 19 January 2015 19:31

I can sometimes get to 4 things on my mind. Pretty rare, though.

SirMichael 13

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Monday 19 January 2015 21:03

@77 bone, skin, hair and sex?

Epikatz 22

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Monday 19 January 2015 21:24

Bone? You're into some dark shit buddy....

JustinJK 21

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Tuesday 20 January 2015 4:48

I have other things on my mind besides sex. Like food. But that's about it, sex and food

Brandi_Faith 33

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Tuesday 20 January 2015 20:02

From what I understand about men it's sex, food, sleep, & sometimes (depending on the guy) gaming.

iop330 22

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Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

SpartanMerc 18

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Monday 19 January 2015 17:24

Or not because that would be assault. You could, however, just get out of his car and not talk to him ever again...

badgercheese94 16

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Monday 19 January 2015 19:53

#61, humour isn't your strongest quality, is it?

MortenM 17

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Monday 19 January 2015 22:27

#4, on behalf of all guys I'd like to express our appreciation that you're trying to convince girls to headbutt us. Thanks. And ouch.

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 20 January 2015 21:08

The head but would probably hurt her more then him. Head buts hurt both parties and generally speaking guys have a higher pain tolerance. Though not always.