Intimacy: Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to...

By anon - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

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Intimacy

How could you forget?

Stand up guy

Cheating cheater

By S. Fancyson - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By Prego my ego - France

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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By meowtickmeow - United States

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

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By sandwhiched - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

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By left alone - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

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By thefuck - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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By screwed. - United States

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

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By shoveless - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

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By Bostonian - United States

Today, I told my long distance girlfriend I will be coming half way across the country to visit here since I have not seen her in a month, I gave her my flight information so she could pick me up at the airport. She responded with "That's when The Office is on, can you take a cab?" FML

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By poor girl - 27/6/2020 05:03

Chill out, Mom

Today, my mom came over for dinner. She lost her mind, screaming and yelling, because my oven melted the dollar store cooking dish that she insisted on using. Never mind the fact I’m going to have to pay a couple hundred, if not a thousand dollars for a new stove. Oh no, she’s out a whole buck. FML

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By cpiro - 27/5/2020 05:00

Live from the chopper

Today, my friend borrowed my car and decided to get pulled over after a high speed chase. My car got towed in a town over 100 miles away. Choose your friends wisely. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 17:01

Creepy crawlies

Today, a friend of mine told me, after coming over to my house for years, that she has tiny "bugs" that are attached to her and follow her wherever she goes. FML

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By hotmess - United States - Katy

Today, my boyfriend stopped by my house after work because he missed me. We made out for a bit outside, which involved some touching and then he left. When I got inside, I got a Facebook message from my older neighbor that read, "That was gross. Please don't do that again in front of me. Really." FML

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By omgfmlhard - United States

Today, I walked into Best Buy to buy a 42" widescreen TV I'd been saving up for many months. As I walked in, a man stopped me and handed me my wallet that I'd accidentally dropped. I thanked him. 5 minutes later at the checkout, I opened up my wallet to realize it was empty. He had stolen everything. FML

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By Justanotherwreck

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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By unproud - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 14:01

America's Funniest Home Videos

Today, I found out that a guy who works overnights had secretly been videotaping me singing and dancing to my favorite songs while I worked my own graveyard shift. My new nickname at work is 'Prancy'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

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By zzyx - United States

Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

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By teejayrn

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By awkwardmandy - United States - Okeene

Today, my ex-boyfriend decided to humiliate me by confessing to my dad in detail what he and I had done together and "apologizing" for taking my virginity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

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By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML

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By thankspops - United States

Today, I found out that the $200 a week I was paying my dad for my car insurance and payment, wasn't actually paying my insurance and car payment. How did I find out he wasn't paying? Repo man took my car. FML

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By alhummel21 - United States

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

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By Bree - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into poison ivy. He ran off saying, "That's for beating me in the race." I've never been in a race, nor have I ever met him. FML

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By trauma is hilarious - 31/10/2020 17:59 - United States

CPTSD

Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML

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By Kilamo

Today, I told my mom I had 73 cents in my checking account. She gave me a penny and told me I had 74 cents and it was even now. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 14:01

Disney 2021

Today, I realised that I'm kinda living the life of a Disney princess, because I'm lonely and all my friends are animals. Yes, I also talk to them. FML

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By Mightytall

It's the Final Countdown

Today, I had a very long wait at the doctor's. The three plastic plants in the waiting area have 163 leaves each, the patient information poster on the wall has 127 words, the longest word has 19 letters. FML

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Top comments

By iop330 | 22

#6177211 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

By Wolfparable | 22

#6177213 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:38

Yeesh. Sorry that happened to you. I hope you decided he's not worth your time.

COMMENTS

By tepovre | 18

#6177207 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

Some guys take a while to break in, don't think about it too much, OP

MzZombicidal | 36

#6177255 - Monday 19 January 2015 13:32

Can you elaborate, #1? I'm honestly not sure what you mean.

EverestMelting | 23

#6177281 - Monday 19 January 2015 14:38

Like when someone asks for head, they really mean to give them head until they open up to you. Actually, that's a lie. Dome is dome is dome is dome is dome.

MzZombicidal | 36

#6177295 - Monday 19 January 2015 15:00

Still so confused... Lol!

badluckalex | 23

#6177610 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:57

I'm a guy and I dont even know what the hell they're saying...

Regimental_Phan | 18

#6177643 - Monday 19 January 2015 20:20

my first thoughts to that were....UH WHAT?!

TheNotoriousHGC | 15

#6181112 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:56

I think he is saying it can take a while for guys to "get trained."

By Shamandalie89 | 32

#6177209 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

This reminds me of that banned Master Card commercial...

sisco2901 | 20

#6177326 - Monday 19 January 2015 15:47

This guy apparently didn't bother investing im the wine ans sweet talk, though.

By Obito_Rocks | 6

#6177210 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

Classy. Sorry you had to hear that, a lot of guys only have one thing on their mind's, and it's not always Spongebob :)

jojimugo | 20

#6177403 - Monday 19 January 2015 17:17

Common misconception about guys...we have at least 2 things in our mind

horneyhic | 15

#6177456 - Monday 19 January 2015 18:24

I have 3 things on my mind

ichdprodigy | 12

#6177567 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:31

I can sometimes get to 4 things on my mind. Pretty rare, though.

SirMichael | 13

#6177687 - Monday 19 January 2015 21:03

@77 bone, skin, hair and sex?

Epikatz | 22

#6177704 - Monday 19 January 2015 21:24

Bone? You're into some dark shit buddy....

JustinJK | 21

#6177978 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 4:48

I have other things on my mind besides sex. Like food. But that's about it, sex and food

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6178635 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 20:02

From what I understand about men it's sex, food, sleep, & sometimes (depending on the guy) gaming.

By iop330 | 22

#6177211 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

SpartanMerc | 18

#6177409 - Monday 19 January 2015 17:24

Or not because that would be assault. You could, however, just get out of his car and not talk to him ever again...

badgercheese94 | 16

#6177603 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:53

#61, humour isn't your strongest quality, is it?

MortenM | 17

#6177745 - Monday 19 January 2015 22:27

#4, on behalf of all guys I'd like to express our appreciation that you're trying to convince girls to headbutt us.
Thanks. And ouch.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6178697 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 21:08

The head but would probably hurt her more then him. Head buts hurt both parties and generally speaking guys have a higher pain tolerance. Though not always.