Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to...

By anon - 19/1/2015 05:35 - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

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Intimacy

Don't give up

Peaky Bladders

Creepy

By sad as shit - 1/1/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

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By unicorn_skies - 18/1/2014 08:33 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 18:00 - United States

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

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By Craig Thompson - 20/4/2017 21:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

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By malcolmXXX - 14/10/2015 02:01 - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

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By ally - 3/2/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

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By Isoldael - 7/11/2011 09:38 - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2012 14:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 00:36 - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By CaeliLady - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By pizzaface - 9/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

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By Sonic - 15/1/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

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By LostSoul - 10/7/2019 02:06

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By dannij08 - 14/1/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

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By trina - 22/3/2009 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

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By Pissed - 15/10/2012 19:57 - United States - Newton Center

Today, at a family reunion, we all squeezed in for a picture. I set the self-timer and ran to get in it. 2 seconds before the picture went off, some guy came up, stole the camera, and ran away. FML

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By anon - 1/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

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By Shelbs - 5/11/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By DLS - 18/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

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By boo - 17/11/2014 03:07 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

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By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

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By Pastrygirl - 11/7/2016 22:00

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2013 15:19 - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

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By NowBubbleWrapSucks - 27/5/2018 20:30

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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By fuck you retail - 27/5/2013 20:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

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By Justawoman - 4/6/2014 15:52 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

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By nerdywaitress - 18/10/2013 05:14 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

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By littlefinger - 11/3/2014 16:11 - United States - Foley

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

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By FianceFlaw? - 25/11/2018 14:00

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

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By annoyed teen - 13/4/2014 03:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I had to work at the restaurant instead of going to the prom, which nobody asked me out to. For five hours, I got to shamefully greet and seat people on their way home from the prom, all of whom knew I was too lame to get asked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 18:27 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

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By ohcrap - 2/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

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Top comments

By iop330 | 22

#6177211 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

By Wolfparable | 22

#6177213 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:38

Yeesh. Sorry that happened to you. I hope you decided he's not worth your time.

Comments

By tepovre | 18

#6177207 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

Some guys take a while to break in, don't think about it too much, OP

MzZombicidal | 36

#6177255 - Monday 19 January 2015 13:32

Can you elaborate, #1? I'm honestly not sure what you mean.

EverestMelting | 23

#6177281 - Monday 19 January 2015 14:38

Like when someone asks for head, they really mean to give them head until they open up to you. Actually, that's a lie. Dome is dome is dome is dome is dome.

MzZombicidal | 36

#6177295 - Monday 19 January 2015 15:00

Still so confused... Lol!

badluckalex | 23

#6177610 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:57

I'm a guy and I dont even know what the hell they're saying...

Regimental_Phan | 18

#6177643 - Monday 19 January 2015 20:20

my first thoughts to that were....UH WHAT?!

TheNotoriousHGC | 15

#6181112 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:56

I think he is saying it can take a while for guys to "get trained."

By Shamandalie89 | 32

#6177209 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:36

This reminds me of that banned Master Card commercial...

sisco2901 | 20

#6177326 - Monday 19 January 2015 15:47

This guy apparently didn't bother investing im the wine ans sweet talk, though.

By Obito_Rocks | 6

#6177210 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

Classy. Sorry you had to hear that, a lot of guys only have one thing on their mind's, and it's not always Spongebob :)

jojimugo | 20

#6177403 - Monday 19 January 2015 17:17

Common misconception about guys...we have at least 2 things in our mind

horneyhic | 15

#6177456 - Monday 19 January 2015 18:24

I have 3 things on my mind

ichdprodigy | 12

#6177567 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:31

I can sometimes get to 4 things on my mind. Pretty rare, though.

SirMichael | 13

#6177687 - Monday 19 January 2015 21:03

@77 bone, skin, hair and sex?

Epikatz | 22

#6177704 - Monday 19 January 2015 21:24

Bone? You're into some dark shit buddy....

JustinJK | 21

#6177978 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 4:48

I have other things on my mind besides sex. Like food. But that's about it, sex and food

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6178635 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 20:02

From what I understand about men it's sex, food, sleep, & sometimes (depending on the guy) gaming.

By iop330 | 22

#6177211 - Monday 19 January 2015 12:37

That's when you say yes and headbutt him.

SpartanMerc | 18

#6177409 - Monday 19 January 2015 17:24

Or not because that would be assault. You could, however, just get out of his car and not talk to him ever again...

badgercheese94 | 16

#6177603 - Monday 19 January 2015 19:53

#61, humour isn't your strongest quality, is it?

MortenM | 17

#6177745 - Monday 19 January 2015 22:27

#4, on behalf of all guys I'd like to express our appreciation that you're trying to convince girls to headbutt us.
Thanks. And ouch.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6178697 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 21:08

The head but would probably hurt her more then him. Head buts hurt both parties and generally speaking guys have a higher pain tolerance. Though not always.