Work: Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed...

By SMV - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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Work

Commando

BO Central

The Blob

By Anonymous - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

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31223

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By wheelchairgirl - Denmark

Today, I was watching a beautiful flock of birds flying overhead while walking in the street. The guy next to me was lucky enough to catch bird poop with his forehead. I was lucky enough to get distracted by it, trip, and break my ankle. FML

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7287

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I hired an exterminator to get the roaches out of the house I am renting. I came back from work and went to my bathroom, noticing that he used the plunger to unclog the toilet after he took a dump. After $150, there was shit all over my floor and plunger, and roaches still in my kitchen. FML

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60571

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By Duped - United States

Today, I received the sweetest love letter from my boyfriend after having a bad day. After gushing about it and reading it to my friends, they said it reminded them of a letter that they'd seen online. He got it from a fill-in-the-blank love letter generator. FML

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By demaris - Canada

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

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By kalamar5 - Norway - Sarpsborg

Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 14:08

Ungrateful

Today, my three-year-old told me he hates me cause I’m mean because I wouldn’t give him another cupcake. Now he is calling his grandma his new mommy. FML

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986

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By Anne - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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By poodlesoup - 21/12/2020 22:58 - United States

The wrong end of the stick

Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

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By Anon_a_mouse - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

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40209

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

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40329

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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22096

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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1594

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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24870

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By dirtytoes - United States - Houston

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

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22227

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By TeddyBearKiller - United States

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

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47563

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By Raiden - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonalds everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonalds. FML

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By Subliminal message - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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55564

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By T-Guy - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

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By gemtas5 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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2631

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By Anonymous - Australia - Boya

Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML

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30822

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By selfesteemboost - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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29989

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By buggermonster - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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49230

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By Talis - United States - Eureka

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

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By boobmilk - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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5782

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By Angrymom

Today, my teenage son informed me that when he’s too lazy to walk to the bathroom, he uses the kitchen sink as a toilet. I use that sink every day to wash vegetables for my family's dinner. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

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3022

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By Tyguy3000 - United States

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

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2082

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By Anonymous

Today, I went into work with the mentality that all of my ass-busting work was going to result in me finally being promoted to manager. We had a site meeting. The entire building is being laid off because Apple cut our contract. Yay, I'm out of a job. I hate Apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1985

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205

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By Red Face, too

Today, I saw Niagra Falls. Not the one in Canada, but the one that was released when I went to check on my period at work. I had no change of clothes. FML

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2658

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By Poppleton99 - United States - Cedar City

Today, I was hanging out with a friend out of state. He had some friends with him and we were all having a great time, until they found out I live in Utah. They instantly assumed I was Mormon and started to act weird around me. This is a frequent occurrence. FML

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21124

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By Mikaela - United States

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

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7833

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By - United States - Los Angeles

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

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2818

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By semischweet - United Kingdom - London

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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1381

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Top comments

By pommeblossom | 0

#88225 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 0:58

I don't get it..

By CHILL222 | 0

#226698 - Sunday 24 May 2009 23:06

i dont get it either

COMMENTS

By xMooMoox | 0

#73020 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:39

Next time put a note on your fridge! You will see it as all living things need to eat! ;)

Boomi | 38

#6689534 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:35

That's a good idea.

By pommeblossom | 0

#88225 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 0:58

I don't get it..

cornyrob | 33

#6055666 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 18:53

Yes, it's confusing because it says TODAY the company is organizing. Then the boss said OP missed it yesterday.

By igotbigdick | 0

#172434 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 0:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Kazze | 31

#6355272 - Monday 20 July 2015 0:03

Irony...

By CHILL222 | 0

#226698 - Sunday 24 May 2009 23:06

i dont get it either

By dorkasaur | 0

#256674 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:22

Is this an fml? I agree with everyone else. Idgi

By Notaneyo | 0

#261929 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 22:16

I think she got the dates wrong.

ygdrassil | 17

#3959844 - Sunday 29 January 2012 4:39

Does she not go to work every day? Only when there's a party?

linyah | 11

#4890457 - Monday 3 September 2012 6:08

she could of had the day off when the party was.

By DuoFace | 0

#269401 - Friday 5 June 2009 7:54

hahaha, that sucks. and 4 those of u who dont get it, they missed the party. it was a day before.

By oopsie_daisy8446 | 0

#466186 - Friday 7 August 2009 14:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bidsababe | 1

#2827485 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:20

you're 9th .

By happyhak | 5

#763985 - Saturday 9 January 2010 15:10

ur not 10th ur 9th...idiot...
btw, OP, you really need to get a calender!

By happyhak | 5

#764232 - Saturday 9 January 2010 17:09

btw #9, where in the FML does it say the OP "kicked puppies"? Epic fail