Animals: Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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Animals

Dangling modifier

Social distancing

Mr. Burns

By Brandon Lafantaisie - 3/5/2020 14:00

Back in the red

Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. For the third time in two years, after $3000+ in physiotherapy. Round 3, here we come. FML

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By adriana - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pharr

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

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By louise. - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By StormSeason - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By badmom - Ireland

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

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By beemove - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By Anonymous

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

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By XxOx - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By greenintheface - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

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By frustrated - United Kingdom - Gosport

Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML

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By vetstudentdream - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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By notahero - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

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By neverdateaclosetcase - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By Deadmeat

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

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By bastard - United States

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

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By DAMMit - Australia

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

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By pussyface96 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

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By scottyboy

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

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By grann - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

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By bushy brows - United States - Prior Lake

Today, I recently gave birth to my daughter, and my husband and I both have dark hair and bushy eyebrows. We never thought it was a problem until our daughter was born with a dark, bushy unibrow. Now I'm too nervous to take pictures of her 'cause our family and friends laugh every time they see her. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

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By Carrie_Chaos - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

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By flying13 - United States

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

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By Nikki - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By Mew - United States

Hard pass

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

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By ThatAintLogical - United States

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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Top comments

By 6daysoverdue | 0

#447334 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:05

so... are you blind now?

By loveisalie2 | 0

#447336 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:06

Oh god that is really disgusting. Hope you got it out. Reminds me of that chick who had a larvae growing in her eyelid. Eww!

COMMENTS

By 6daysoverdue | 0

#447334 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:05

so... are you blind now?

beardo8 | 0

#447416 - Saturday 1 August 2009 13:28

YDI FOR HAVING EYES

Aniland | 2

#447418 - Saturday 1 August 2009 13:29

XFD

hellokittywhore | 0

#824108 - Thursday 4 February 2010 7:44

I would have clawed my fucking eyes out, no joke man clawed them the fuck OUT

thatonek1d | 0

#988185 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 7:41

type of arachnid? species?

By loveisalie2 | 0

#447336 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:06

Oh god that is really disgusting. Hope you got it out. Reminds me of that chick who had a larvae growing in her eyelid. Eww!

blehargh | 0

#448498 - Saturday 1 August 2009 22:17

How did the spider get IN your eye? Just reach in and pluck it out, shouldn't be a big deal unless it was a black widow and it injected venom into your eyeball.

Alicia_Raven7 | 0

#986708 - Friday 30 April 2010 7:16

A black widow wouldnt fit! unless it was a baby

greendaygirl597 | 0

#1132256 - Saturday 24 July 2010 8:36

#63: for some reason that made me laugh.
OP: ewwww. I hate spiders.

Cjw1220 | 0

#1349543 - Saturday 4 September 2010 10:06

Black widows aren't even the deadliest spider.

Link5794 | 18

#1353418 - Sunday 5 September 2010 4:00

Monsters Inside Me?
FYL OP
btw, there are gnats called eye gnats that suck on the moisture in the eyeballs of humans and cows.

Link5794 | 18

#4851911 - Thursday 23 August 2012 15:06

Black widows are actually pretty small.

By famas48 | 0

#447340 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:11

Thats really fucked up lol.

By likeanoutlawbayb | 0

#447341 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:11

thats so fucking gross. i feel sorry for you!

By katamouth | 1

#447343 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:12

squicked me out.

By aback | 4

#447344 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:12

Imagine how disappointed the spider was.

Heckron | 0

#449173 - Sunday 2 August 2009 2:42

lmao

but seriously...that sucks...

guttural | 0

#454623 - Monday 3 August 2009 23:11

Lmao, #6.

cstetchman | 0

#974392 - Monday 5 April 2010 12:52

#6 makes me lol.

By lone_wanderer | 0

#447351 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:15

I hate spiders eww

By NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM | 0

#447357 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:19

AWWW YOU HAD TO TOUCH A SPIDER? ...why is this FML even here?

lilone08 | 0

#447445 - Saturday 1 August 2009 14:06

yea i agree kinda lame

Jbot | 0

#447467 - Saturday 1 August 2009 14:30

What the hell are you talking about? She had a fucking spider IN HER EYE. She didn't have to just touch it, she had to have it in her.

Serafie | 0

#447496 - Saturday 1 August 2009 15:06

...she had a SPIDER IN HER EYE. CRAWLING AROUND ON HER EYE. Touching a spider alone wouldn't be an FML but having a spider ON YOUR FUCKING EYE would.

SnowByte | 0

#447697 - Saturday 1 August 2009 16:57

To someone who has arachnaphobia, such as my mother and myself, this is a huge FML. Don't knock OP about it. She/he might be afraid of them whereas you seem to have no problem with them.

sublimedude777 | 0

#811430 - Sunday 31 January 2010 4:17

Hey, unless you haven't realized, some people are scared of spiders. If someone who's scared of spiders gets a spider in their eye, they have reason to flip out or post an FML.

By Pastor_Rich | 0

#447361 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:22

I like cats... hate spiders

By redbluegreen | 40

#447368 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:26

I think it's more like FOurLives since spiders small enough to get stuck in our eyes can make gigantic webs. And they say spiders are only here to catch bugs. (;