Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house...

By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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Animals

Higher standards

Gratitude walks

Trust

By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By sharibaby - 30/4/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

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By MgmEboy - 19/9/2009 21:36 - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

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By Rabite - 15/9/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By Mayrose125 - 29/11/2016 07:32

Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 20:23

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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By noodlesandmilk - 13/12/2015 14:10 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my step-brother went grocery shopping alone for the first time. He came home with Ramen and 14 bottles of chocolate milk, which will expire by the 20th. My step-dad is insisting we eat it so it doesn't go to waste. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By Disney - 18/2/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - 9/7/2014 04:24 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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By wdones97 - 8/10/2018 14:00

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By cheersdaddy - 8/6/2011 14:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

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By ugh - 12/3/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

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By burb - 25/9/2013 19:23 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML

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By Blue_belle - 19/10/2019 04:00

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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By Hikara - 13/4/2009 13:44 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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By camp - 3/3/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2016 12:40 - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

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By jolene11 - 17/5/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

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By B-Rad - 15/11/2012 05:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2011 13:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, my husband and I were looking for a new house. The open house we were in had a strange floral scent to entice the buyers. I am three months pregnant and have horrible morning sickness. I threw up all over the living room. FML

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By Confusedblonde - 30/4/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2016 17:04 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I had to spend a long bus ride with my chest pressed against the window, because some mammoth of a woman decided to squeeze her double wide ass into my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2013 18:56 - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

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By longlostkid556 - 5/6/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

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By stuck - 11/8/2010 12:01 - Australia

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Saint-hubert

Good tasting

Today, my roommate left those powdered donuts in the kitchen. Hungry, I decided to try one. Turns out, the white powder wasn't sugar. It was cocaine. FML

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By Dopamin3 - 20/3/2019 12:00

Today, driving to a conference 2 hours away a giant piece of ice fell off a truck and did severe damage to my car hood and busted the front light. The car was a few months old with around 5000 miles on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 14:00

Alas, poor Mickey

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into the water container, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

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By Embarrassed - 22/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By Jane - 7/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

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By dumpedovergame - 6/7/2009 10:51 - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

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By Hufflepuff girl - 10/10/2017 11:54

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

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Top comments

By 6daysoverdue | 0

#447334 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:05

so... are you blind now?

By loveisalie2 | 0

#447336 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:06

Oh god that is really disgusting. Hope you got it out. Reminds me of that chick who had a larvae growing in her eyelid. Eww!

COMMENTS

By 6daysoverdue | 0

#447334 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:05

so... are you blind now?

beardo8 | 0

#447416 - Saturday 1 August 2009 13:28

YDI FOR HAVING EYES

Aniland | 2

#447418 - Saturday 1 August 2009 13:29

XFD

hellokittywhore | 0

#824108 - Thursday 4 February 2010 7:44

I would have clawed my fucking eyes out, no joke man clawed them the fuck OUT

thatonek1d | 0

#988185 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 7:41

type of arachnid? species?

By loveisalie2 | 0

#447336 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:06

Oh god that is really disgusting. Hope you got it out. Reminds me of that chick who had a larvae growing in her eyelid. Eww!

blehargh | 0

#448498 - Saturday 1 August 2009 22:17

How did the spider get IN your eye? Just reach in and pluck it out, shouldn't be a big deal unless it was a black widow and it injected venom into your eyeball.

Alicia_Raven7 | 0

#986708 - Friday 30 April 2010 7:16

A black widow wouldnt fit! unless it was a baby

greendaygirl597 | 0

#1132256 - Saturday 24 July 2010 8:36

#63: for some reason that made me laugh.
OP: ewwww. I hate spiders.

Cjw1220 | 0

#1349543 - Saturday 4 September 2010 10:06

Black widows aren't even the deadliest spider.

Link5794 | 16

#1353418 - Sunday 5 September 2010 4:00

Monsters Inside Me?
FYL OP
btw, there are gnats called eye gnats that suck on the moisture in the eyeballs of humans and cows.

Link5794 | 16

#4851911 - Thursday 23 August 2012 15:06

Black widows are actually pretty small.

By famas48 | 0

#447340 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:11

Thats really fucked up lol.

By likeanoutlawbayb | 0

#447341 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:11

thats so fucking gross. i feel sorry for you!

By katamouth | 1

#447343 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:12

squicked me out.

By aback | 4

#447344 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:12

Imagine how disappointed the spider was.

Heckron | 0

#449173 - Sunday 2 August 2009 2:42

lmao

but seriously...that sucks...

guttural | 0

#454623 - Monday 3 August 2009 23:11

Lmao, #6.

cstetchman | 0

#974392 - Monday 5 April 2010 12:52

#6 makes me lol.

By lone_wanderer | 0

#447351 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:15

I hate spiders eww

By NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM | 0

#447357 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:19

AWWW YOU HAD TO TOUCH A SPIDER? ...why is this FML even here?

lilone08 | 0

#447445 - Saturday 1 August 2009 14:06

yea i agree kinda lame

Jbot | 0

#447467 - Saturday 1 August 2009 14:30

What the hell are you talking about? She had a fucking spider IN HER EYE. She didn't have to just touch it, she had to have it in her.

Serafie | 0

#447496 - Saturday 1 August 2009 15:06

...she had a SPIDER IN HER EYE. CRAWLING AROUND ON HER EYE. Touching a spider alone wouldn't be an FML but having a spider ON YOUR FUCKING EYE would.

SnowByte | 0

#447697 - Saturday 1 August 2009 16:57

To someone who has arachnaphobia, such as my mother and myself, this is a huge FML. Don't knock OP about it. She/he might be afraid of them whereas you seem to have no problem with them.

sublimedude777 | 0

#811430 - Sunday 31 January 2010 4:17

Hey, unless you haven't realized, some people are scared of spiders. If someone who's scared of spiders gets a spider in their eye, they have reason to flip out or post an FML.

By Pastor_Rich | 0

#447361 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:22

I like cats... hate spiders

By redbluegreen | 40

#447368 - Saturday 1 August 2009 12:26

I think it's more like FOurLives since spiders small enough to get stuck in our eyes can make gigantic webs. And they say spiders are only here to catch bugs. (;