Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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Season finale

Give me my drugs!

Still pining

By thegrandchawhee - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By Hopeless

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

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By belljars - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

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By Cassie - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

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By SoftwareDev - South Africa - Johannesburg

Should've stayed home, basically

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

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By Gracie

Today, I was having a cigarette in a smoking area when a mother with a pram strode towards me and exaggerated a cough to make some sort of point. Reluctantly, I put it out and walked off. I then turned around to see her lighting up a cigarette, and blowing smoke all over her baby. FML

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By Rachel - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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By edodge - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By BrianTheLion89 - United States

Great story, tell it again!

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

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By pablito - France - Bron

Today, I'm 25 years old, I've got an education and I only now found out in front of 15 people that, no, sparrows are not small pigeons that are going to grow up. FML

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By Anon - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

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By - France

Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine, it wasn't and someone had put out their cigarette in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

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By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

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By Anon. - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

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By Fmycar - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

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By prochainefois - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

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By MarBlu - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By trying2breathe - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

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By The_failure

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

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By seriouslywtf - United States

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

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By JesusLaidAnEgg

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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By random - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

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By sierra808 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

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By althornton2462 - United States - Hudson

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

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By idiot bro - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

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By AnnaNick - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By downer - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

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By Masey - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

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By byepolar_bare - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

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By singingintherain

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

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By Judy69 - United States - Dekalb

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

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By Need To Bathe In Deodorant - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

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Top comments

By mpj13 | 8

#4253115 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:01

Tell him to stop asking questions then

By alexup24 | 13

#4253116 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:02

curiosity killed the cat, and the orgasm...

COMMENTS

By mpj13 | 8

#4253115 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:01

Tell him to stop asking questions then

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#4253123 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

syck_fml | 3

#4253135 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

Tell him yes so he will shut up

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#4253147 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:06

The OP wants whining on FML instead of resolving the problem

Reply

andrewl12 | 0

#4253227 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:22

It's not hard. Say, "I don't need to hear you ask me if im about to come, " then he well stop, case solved :D

Reply

SluggerJ | 7

#4253264 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:35

Sometimes us guy need to be told to shut up & keep going ( but what for guys that don't have clue )

Reply

aaahhhfire21 | 0

#4253355 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:11

Just do wat my gf used to do if I stopped tighten ur thighs around the side his head and put ur hands on the back to make sure his head don't move away til he's done his job

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4253426 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:54

Lol well said

Reply

danni218 | 1

#4253460 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:08

Hold his head down...and when u feel he's about to come up say "don't stop that perfect"

Reply

blushy | 14

#4253739 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:03

just tell him what he's doing wrong, problem solved

Reply

imcutefml | 0

#4254081 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 15:34

How hard is it for you to say "im a bout to cum/orgasm"? My gf says it everytime shes going to so i dont need to stop and ask

Reply

Drigr | 9

#4254091 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 15:35

Or just grab his hair and hold his head in place.

Reply

cajekraze | 7

#4254773 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 20:42

shove his head back down and tell him, " Shut up, you'll know when

Reply

rogerover | 19

#4261417 - Thursday 5 April 2012 5:22

AND to pay attention to your verbal and physical cues.

By alexup24 | 13

#4253116 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:02

curiosity killed the cat, and the orgasm...

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#4253409 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:42

That's kinda like her asking him; is it in yet, while they at it.

Reply

Guren | 0

#4253511 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:57

53 - What...? How do you even relate those.

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4253665 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:24

Why don't you just trap his head with your hands or legs to keep his head there? Stops him from leaving and allows you to arrive.

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4253779 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:24

73) Your last sentence made me smile because it's a bit more cleverly stated then most of the comments on this FML. (x

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253880 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:04

Well played 73, but just have to tell your I felt a bit threatened by your about me, and I'm Australian.. Ass!

By Swedude | 5

#4253121 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

Maybe tell him what he's doing wrong instead of writing about it on the internet?

Reply

simplynatalie | 6

#4253171 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:10

#3 if everyone did that there would be no reason for FML

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4253605 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:57

Could do both, and then everyone wins

Reply

reyndrop | 0

#4253759 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:15

Indeed..

Reply

mufc4everch | 2

#4254466 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 18:53

I love the pi pic.

Reply

noshatsherlockk | 15

#4256703 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 5:26

Better yet, just facebook him a link directly to the FML, because god forbid you'd have to communicate with him!

By alejandratx | 8

#4253125 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

O fail.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253731 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:01

I really hate to say this, but I see what you did there 5. You so don't deserve the hymns down!

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253885 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:06

*thumbs

Reply

wtfohgodfml | 0

#4255940 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 1:20

You don't say?

By Yellow_Fish79 | 11

#4253126 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

Next time everytime he's about to come you should ask him if he wants to get married and have children.

Reply

BlvckScvle | 2

#4253200 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:15

That's just evil... but seems fair

Reply

sskarma23 | 9

#4253443 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:01

Most guys would just finish the job themselves.. You know we can get a little impatient

Reply

Guren | 0

#4275084 - Sunday 8 April 2012 10:30

Askin all them questions...

By OneLittleAdditio | 9

#4253131 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

he wants to make sure he's doing a good job. just tell him (when ur not doing it) that he's great but that he needs to stop asking questions because he's getting you there without the talking ;)

By annacd | 6

#4253137 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

-- KICK IN FACE. --
What a berk, and a shame. Close to the station and no arrival is worse than not being close. I sorry for you.

Reply

JiggaJayZ | 16

#4253225 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:22

Can't tell if trolling or foreign

Reply

ProhibitionRose | 14

#4253229 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:24

Berk? Rofl

Reply

omarzrgz | 3

#4253241 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:25

Dafuq did she just say? O.o

Reply

br0dawg | 6

#4253653 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:14

it took me a while to figure out your comment. just...all of it.

Reply

KriiFahMoro | 9

#4253802 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:35

Yeah, he sounds like a real berk. I sorry for her too...

Reply

BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#4254383 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 17:51

Uh... What?

Reply

maemaeloveeeee | 0

#4264393 - Friday 6 April 2012 0:42

?!?!?!

By Brannie | 4

#4253140 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

"BITCH did I tell you to stop?!"

Reply

BrysGirl27 | 14

#4253182 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:12

Hahahahahah:D "get back to work!"

Reply

coffee_man900 | 16

#4253453 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:03

"Hold your tongue boy."

Oh no, that wouldn't work. Sorry.

:p

Reply

candice22_fml | 4

#4254903 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 21:32

"Just shut up and lick!"

By hellaflushfa5 | 6

#4253144 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

Most important part of a relationship is communication.

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4253431 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:56

Very true statement

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5847571 - Monday 3 February 2014 17:59

That's what he's trying to do! He's making sure she's enjoying it. Albeit, ruining the enjoyment in the process

By xIBleedPurplex16 | 0

#4253158 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:08

What a retard.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4253164 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:09

what a jerk

Reply

OneLittleAdditio | 9

#4253251 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:27

that's so offensive :(

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#4253328 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:57

I can see by your picture that you must too.

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#4253342 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:02

*be

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4253489 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:33

13 -...take..that..profile..picture......down...now...

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253695 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:39

65....put.....a...profile....picture....up!

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4253786 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:28

Guys, be gently with him. He's a Belieber! Does that explain why he's so ignorant?

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4253944 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:30

She*

Reply

sillycart | 9

#4255240 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 22:58

42- thank you for saying this so I didn't have to!