Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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There's no helping some people

Commando

Misheard

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 20:00

Never go public

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

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By time to lawyer up - United States - Forney

Today, I saw a photo on my mother-in-law's Facebook, proudly showing off the horrible job she'd done of painting her car. I sarcastically commented that I wouldn't inflict that on my worst enemy's ride. An hour later, she came by and emptied a bucket of paint over my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Thanks for the support

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

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By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By lilshoobydoo14 - United States

Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue"... He told me "Yeah sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away I read his note: "911". FML

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By frustrated - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

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By camzzz - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Psycho

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By minibuch1505 - France - Halluin

Today, as I was waiting for my girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who looked a lot like her. I ran towards her, my arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, my arms in the air, still running. FML

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By missprude666 - Australia

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

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By SE011194 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By Nothanks

Today, at the healthy age of 26, I broke my hip during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 02:03

"I Raised a Sociopath"

Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML

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By boredatwork - Canada

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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By hoser - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

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By beachedwhale21 - 22/6/2020 05:01

Always save to the cloud!

Today, I finally finished typing up a story I had been working on for about 7 months, saved it on my computer and left to hang with friends. Came home later to find my dad had sold my laptop in order to pay his phone bill. My hard work is now gone. FML

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By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

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By fmyactuallife

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By 21ShitCleaner - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

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By HelpStrandedOnShittyPlanet - 8/5/2021 20:08

Good friends

Today, after I supported my friends through heartbreak, had long conversations at 4 a.m., stayed late at work to help through breakdowns, I finally broke after a series of bad experiences. I decided to reach out. All I got was, "lol that sucks", "Oh, would you believe the week I had" or simply no response. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

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By likeyourboss - Denmark

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 12:00 - United States - Boise

Porn addiction

Today, I was recording a video on Snapchat to send to one of my friends, while unaware that my father had walked in behind me. I was talking about how I can’t watch porn anymore because my phone is broken. He now knows too much. FML

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By cat.imakittycat. - New Zealand - New Plymouth

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2021 03:01 - United States - Trenton

Freudian slip

Today, while spacing out about my hot male boss, he called my name for something and I replied, "Yes Daddy?" FML

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By SlappyMcGee - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Thanks, Mr Whiskers

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

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By SadExperiment - United States - Claremont

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has secretly been conditioning me to get turned on by the smell of bananas. Guess whose new co-worker peels a nice, fragrant banana five times a day. FML

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By RowanBlossom - 7/7/2020 05:01

The lifescript

Today, I found out that my mother doesn’t visit me because I'm the only sibling without children. She posts all about her wonderful children on social media, but I'm left out. She hasn't set foot in my house since I moved out of hers. FML

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Top comments

By mpj13 | 8

#4253115 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:01

Tell him to stop asking questions then

By alexup24 | 13

#4253116 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:02

curiosity killed the cat, and the orgasm...

COMMENTS

By mpj13 | 8

#4253115 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:01

Tell him to stop asking questions then

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#4253123 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

syck_fml | 3

#4253135 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

Tell him yes so he will shut up

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#4253147 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:06

The OP wants whining on FML instead of resolving the problem

Reply

andrewl12 | 0

#4253227 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:22

It's not hard. Say, "I don't need to hear you ask me if im about to come, " then he well stop, case solved :D

Reply

SluggerJ | 7

#4253264 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:35

Sometimes us guy need to be told to shut up & keep going ( but what for guys that don't have clue )

Reply

aaahhhfire21 | 0

#4253355 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:11

Just do wat my gf used to do if I stopped tighten ur thighs around the side his head and put ur hands on the back to make sure his head don't move away til he's done his job

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4253426 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:54

Lol well said

Reply

danni218 | 1

#4253460 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:08

Hold his head down...and when u feel he's about to come up say "don't stop that perfect"

Reply

blushy | 14

#4253739 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:03

just tell him what he's doing wrong, problem solved

Reply

imcutefml | 0

#4254081 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 15:34

How hard is it for you to say "im a bout to cum/orgasm"? My gf says it everytime shes going to so i dont need to stop and ask

Reply

Drigr | 9

#4254091 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 15:35

Or just grab his hair and hold his head in place.

Reply

cajekraze | 7

#4254773 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 20:42

shove his head back down and tell him, " Shut up, you'll know when

Reply

rogerover | 19

#4261417 - Thursday 5 April 2012 5:22

AND to pay attention to your verbal and physical cues.

By alexup24 | 13

#4253116 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:02

curiosity killed the cat, and the orgasm...

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#4253409 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:42

That's kinda like her asking him; is it in yet, while they at it.

Reply

Guren | 0

#4253511 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:57

53 - What...? How do you even relate those.

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4253665 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:24

Why don't you just trap his head with your hands or legs to keep his head there? Stops him from leaving and allows you to arrive.

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4253779 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:24

73) Your last sentence made me smile because it's a bit more cleverly stated then most of the comments on this FML. (x

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253880 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:04

Well played 73, but just have to tell your I felt a bit threatened by your about me, and I'm Australian.. Ass!

By Swedude | 5

#4253121 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

Maybe tell him what he's doing wrong instead of writing about it on the internet?

Reply

simplynatalie | 6

#4253171 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:10

#3 if everyone did that there would be no reason for FML

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4253605 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:57

Could do both, and then everyone wins

Reply

reyndrop | 0

#4253759 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:15

Indeed..

Reply

mufc4everch | 2

#4254466 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 18:53

I love the pi pic.

Reply

noshatsherlockk | 15

#4256703 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 5:26

Better yet, just facebook him a link directly to the FML, because god forbid you'd have to communicate with him!

By alejandratx | 8

#4253125 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

O fail.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253731 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:01

I really hate to say this, but I see what you did there 5. You so don't deserve the hymns down!

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253885 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:06

*thumbs

Reply

wtfohgodfml | 0

#4255940 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 1:20

You don't say?

By Yellow_Fish79 | 11

#4253126 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

Next time everytime he's about to come you should ask him if he wants to get married and have children.

Reply

BlvckScvle | 2

#4253200 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:15

That's just evil... but seems fair

Reply

sskarma23 | 9

#4253443 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:01

Most guys would just finish the job themselves.. You know we can get a little impatient

Reply

Guren | 0

#4275084 - Sunday 8 April 2012 10:30

Askin all them questions...

By OneLittleAdditio | 9

#4253131 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:03

he wants to make sure he's doing a good job. just tell him (when ur not doing it) that he's great but that he needs to stop asking questions because he's getting you there without the talking ;)

By annacd | 6

#4253137 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

-- KICK IN FACE. --
What a berk, and a shame. Close to the station and no arrival is worse than not being close. I sorry for you.

Reply

JiggaJayZ | 16

#4253225 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:22

Can't tell if trolling or foreign

Reply

ProhibitionRose | 14

#4253229 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:24

Berk? Rofl

Reply

omarzrgz | 3

#4253241 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:25

Dafuq did she just say? O.o

Reply

br0dawg | 6

#4253653 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:14

it took me a while to figure out your comment. just...all of it.

Reply

KriiFahMoro | 9

#4253802 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:35

Yeah, he sounds like a real berk. I sorry for her too...

Reply

BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#4254383 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 17:51

Uh... What?

Reply

maemaeloveeeee | 0

#4264393 - Friday 6 April 2012 0:42

?!?!?!

By Brannie | 4

#4253140 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

"BITCH did I tell you to stop?!"

Reply

BrysGirl27 | 14

#4253182 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:12

Hahahahahah:D "get back to work!"

Reply

coffee_man900 | 16

#4253453 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:03

"Hold your tongue boy."

Oh no, that wouldn't work. Sorry.

:p

Reply

candice22_fml | 4

#4254903 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 21:32

"Just shut up and lick!"

By hellaflushfa5 | 6

#4253144 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:05

Most important part of a relationship is communication.

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4253431 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:56

Very true statement

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5847571 - Monday 3 February 2014 17:59

That's what he's trying to do! He's making sure she's enjoying it. Albeit, ruining the enjoyment in the process

By xIBleedPurplex16 | 0

#4253158 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:08

What a retard.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4253164 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:09

what a jerk

Reply

OneLittleAdditio | 9

#4253251 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:27

that's so offensive :(

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#4253328 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 8:57

I can see by your picture that you must too.

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#4253342 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 9:02

*be

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4253489 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 10:33

13 -...take..that..profile..picture......down...now...

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4253695 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:39

65....put.....a...profile....picture....up!

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4253786 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:28

Guys, be gently with him. He's a Belieber! Does that explain why he's so ignorant?

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4253944 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:30

She*

Reply

sillycart | 9

#4255240 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 22:58

42- thank you for saying this so I didn't have to!