Love: Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on...

By Anonymous - 09/01/2012 02:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 045

You deserved it 3 926

Love

Leave us alone

Can't win

So compassionate

By littlemissignored - 02/09/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I've been because of my job. While I'm speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was important. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 737

You deserved it 7 108

By thoughtidseenitall - 02/02/2013 01:01 - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 269

You deserved it 4 002

By definatelynotamurderer - 03/03/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 414

You deserved it 2 233

By illiterate - 17/06/2011 04:16 - Australia

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 196

You deserved it 32 937

By Anonymous - 18/09/2014 07:32 - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 109

You deserved it 5 419

By Anonymous - 11/03/2014 22:27 - United States - Remus

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 444

You deserved it 7 175

By moudly - 06/01/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 545

You deserved it 4 972

By so bored -__- - 25/02/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 558

You deserved it 31 113

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 13:23 - Canada

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 141

You deserved it 3 740

By Sad ex-wife - 21/09/2012 15:11 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 908

You deserved it 7 050

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 725

You deserved it 3 035

By innocent - 19/04/2017 00:00

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 366

You deserved it 319

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 817

You deserved it 5 136

By m0m - 04/03/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 982

You deserved it 1 655

By i love stupid people - 14/07/2019 06:30

Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 934

You deserved it 108

By Tigerninjagoalie - 20/06/2016 23:13 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 595

You deserved it 1 022

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 04:25 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 707

You deserved it 6 470

By Anonymous - 02/05/2013 12:50 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 417

You deserved it 6 768

By Anonymous - 22/07/2016 22:01

Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 894

You deserved it 1 109

By Anonymous - 04/02/2015 16:06 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 752

You deserved it 4 837

By dumped - 22/06/2019 01:18 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 116

By has-evil-friends - 26/11/2009 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 639

You deserved it 3 609

By unsatisfied - 01/02/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 682

You deserved it 3 880

By Sammy - 25/02/2013 07:25 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 127

You deserved it 4 630

By What-_- - 25/01/2017 00:00

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 400

You deserved it 532

Pants on fire

By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 139

By Darth Vomitus - 10/08/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 451

You deserved it 5 823

By LiLGeek - 12/01/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 510

You deserved it 9 123

By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 300

You deserved it 24 944

By shunned - 03/11/2010 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 528

You deserved it 4 773

By bronieswillrule5eva - 11/06/2012 18:16 - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 563

You deserved it 3 449

Session done!

By Anonymous - 05/02/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 235

You deserved it 317

By BDayssuck - 02/09/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 557

You deserved it 3 110

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 249

You deserved it 3 146

The tip of the iceberg

By Anonymous - 24/11/2021 07:58

Today, I didn't have enough money to tip my hairstylist, even though I thought I did and said I was, but I'm so broke, my card got declined at $50. I needed the haircut for an interview. I feel so [email protected]%$>&* bad about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 221

Lonely, so lonely

By Mike - 19/10/2021 14:01

Today, I woke up and realized that the "nice dream" I'd had was just about talking to people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 102

By Chelsea - 02/04/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 277

You deserved it 38 817

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 00:37 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 487

You deserved it 7 058

By lk mm, n vwls - 11/01/2014 01:20 - United States - Mansfield Depot

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 399

You deserved it 4 800

By secenteenmagazine. - 22/02/2009 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 155

You deserved it 13 392

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

steviesnm 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:52

Do you have a dog? They're pretty good at leaving surprises on driveways also.

StoryOfTheYear 13

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:55

Not quite a new Lexus?

LukeSkywalker28 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:51

What's the problem?

steviesnm 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:52

Do you have a dog? They're pretty good at leaving surprises on driveways also.

trollfaced 2

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:58

Horse poop or cow poop works 10 times better

BatteryAddict 11

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:59

Pre-dinner mayonnaise! It's good for you.

steviesnm 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:00

Dog poop is slightly easier to come by for the average citizen. Hell, just shit on his driveway op.

CaptainCola 7

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:24

So I have to admit, I got pretty happy when I read this comment and it was grammatically correct. It bugs the shit out of me when people don't know their "there/their/they're". Common sense isn't so common nowadays :/

Keyman1212 14

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:37

Hey Captain, while you were commending #1 on her proper use of grammar, you failed to use proper punctuation. Periods go at the end of sentences and inside parenthesis, regardless of logical placement.

Miss_Kristen 10

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:38

I bet you were surprised though...

CaptainCola 7

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:48

Yes I suppose you're correct if I'm writing in "American English." (

_kfchicken 4

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:53

You sure it was mayonnaise ? Better find out before you start eating it....

GovernorGeneral 8

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:54

So what's the problem ma'am? Mayonnaise isn't good enough for you?

noncomposmentis 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 11:15

Keyman: Captain did not use the parenthesis.

Keyman1212 14

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 16:54

You're right, my mistake. Quotation marks were what I meant to say.

elidine 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 17:59

That's racist!

elidine 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 18:00

It puts the mayo on its skin!

IntenseGas 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 18:05

79- I just burst out laughing when I saw the pic of Kermit.

Sammybabbyy 2

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 January 2012 7:53

I love banging people I meet on hoookupstonight.gu.ma

steviesnm 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:17

I love when a bunch of grammar nazis all end up messing up and correcting each other. Lmao

newmanlyman3 8

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 6:46

it was a sex pickup of course! mayonnaise looks like ... you know! very odd in my oppinion

Harpy20 24

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:53

Shit would have been funnier.

007bawss 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:56

THAT'S a shitty comment -_-

steviesnm 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:57

Both of you just.. Please stop.

trollfaced 2

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:03

It's funny how #8 said #3's comment was witty, but his is just as shitty

trollfaced 2

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:05

As in witty I meant shitty*

boofgall 16

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:21

Man, I would've loved that surprise. I love mayo!

Pentium_4 26

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 13:20

fyl, mayo sucks lol

supnowww 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 16:53

TROLOLOLOLOL. shit happens

Roevera 14

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 19:54

Really? Shit would have been funnier? Well here, let me have someone shit on your driveway, and you tell us how funny it is.

NeDaroft 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 January 2012 6:50

what's wrong with your face ?

Amrel 10

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:54

I wouldnt expect anything good if its left on the driveway

cosmosis 12

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:20

Not true. I left my gf's new car in her driveway. Only because i couldnt get it through the front door...

fancyclown 9

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 10:16

I beg to differ. One time I found a really neat couch on a driveway. It was home to a family of raccoons, but they didn't mind us taking it.

kjcookie10 9

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 14:06

It's the new lube he wants to try out!

Torva_fml 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 January 2012 5:31

28- you bought your GIRLFRIEND a new car? Either you're loaded, or you've been together a while....

TrimKibbles 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 January 2012 22:33

Frankly, I'd be pleased of someone left mayonnaise on my driveway.

StoryOfTheYear 13

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 8:55

Not quite a new Lexus?

ShroomsOnAcid 16

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:21

It's even better! All you need is a little *rainbow*imaginaaaaaation*rainbow*! Either way, who needs a Lexus when you have mayonaise? And in convenient little single serving sized packets, at that?

StoryOfTheYear 13

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:24

You know what... You're completely right. :D Fuck cars. Until they sell one with a condiment dispenser I'm on your side.

Amrel 10

Send a private message

Monday 9 January 2012 9:25

If imagination is the point here, the boyfriend should have got OP a box. She can be anything she wants in the box, like a racecar driver! All she needs is *rainbow* imaaaaaaginaaaaation*rainbow*