Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how... - FML

By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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Instadrama

Intense

Persona non grata

By Alright. - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By karmamaybe - United States - Vermillion

Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By _TaToRtOt_ - United States

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

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By caly - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By ILiveWithMorons - United States

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

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By father-in-nope - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

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By Mitcha857 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got rear-ended at a stop sign on a seldom used road in my neighborhood. As I open my car door to trade insurance information with the guy, he backs up a little and speeds away, taking my car door with him. FML

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By miewann - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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By Leanna

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

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By why ma? - 25/3/2020 08:02

May to December

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my unemployed boyfriend and I went to the casino. I gave him twenty dollars to play on. He won $1000 on a dollar machine then jackpotted the ten dollar machine for $20,000. When we got home he broke up with me. I have been working two jobs to get our own place. Move in Date?? 2 weeks. FML

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By Ohgreat - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

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By sarahmoon

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

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By sincerely - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML

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By justgreat - United States

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By spoiled22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to change the batteries of my automatic room freshener. As I held it to my face to figure out where the batteries went, it started spraying on my face. FML

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By d.stack - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

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By I Like My Cat - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

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By Lexxiluvstwat

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

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By Avery - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

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By anon - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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By Kfeaaa - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

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By LifeSucks - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

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By FinanciallyF*ked

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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Top comments

By wafflemonger | 0

#40667 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:02

Looks like he's your type after all.

By Bstaut | 8

#4448999 - Thursday 17 May 2012 23:54

Who is Smile Jesus? Is there also a Frown Jesus?

COMMENTS

By wafflemonger | 0

#40667 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:02

Looks like he's your type after all.

Reply

lakergurl91 | 0

#327701 - Sunday 21 June 2009 22:44

#1 is right good luck finding your next boyfriend!! Smile Jesus loves you =)

Reply

alexk92 | 6

#4316218 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 11:50

^^ slightly pointless comment...

Reply

Bstaut | 8

#4448999 - Thursday 17 May 2012 23:54

Who is Smile Jesus? Is there also a Frown Jesus?

Reply

BigRedDilDoTIME | 1

#5116894 - Monday 5 November 2012 8:41

#1 dont ask then

Reply

niamhyo | 13

#5962450 - Sunday 1 June 2014 17:06

#80 made me laugh so much

By TEAZO | 0

#40677 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:04

well you got what u wanted.
u had to bring it up. least now you know ur not pretty.

Reply

UnluckyChicka | 0

#1343616 - Friday 3 September 2010 12:44

yup ur rite Shadic person...

Reply

Anti_Sora | 31

#6479395 - Monday 7 December 2015 19:47

I lk smrter by ctng my wrds dwn by a tn. I am sorry for your eye cancer for reading that.

By Shadic | 0

#40679 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:04

#1 hit that right on the head. Haha.

By Silhouette_fml | 0

#40683 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:05

At least he's not shallow...

Reply

KingreX32 | 21

#5964567 - Wednesday 4 June 2014 0:17

thats a plus.......i guess. Lol probably could have said it better though.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6373837 - Friday 7 August 2015 7:29

He is shallow!

By proxay | 0

#40684 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:05

LOL #1 nailed it. So, how is this a FML again (since you got what you want)? :P

By 1D9a | 0

#40685 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:05

Haha. How ironic. =]

By redpowerlady | 0

#40708 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:12

And you promptly dumped him right?? How insensitive of him. I guess he is your type after all.

By InigoMontoya | 0

#40721 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:16

It was obviously a joke.

Grow thicker skin and a sense of humor.

By PJB4466 | 0

#40722 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:18

Agree with #8, he's just smart. You said you usually date assholes, so he acted like one for a second. :)

By interventions | 1

#40725 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:19

i think it was a joke too. a rather cruel one if that. because he has to be attracted to you to have been dating you for a year