Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Weird kid

Abuse

By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 23:50 - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By ashley_skillz06 - 24/1/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef is throwing food at us, I'm getting ready for my turn. He tosses the piece of broccoli at me, I lean back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

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By Lisaa918 - 10/6/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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By koletatlow19 - 5/3/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By savanna - 3/5/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

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By Franigirl - 26/2/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - 10/9/2018 19:30 - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 15:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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By Kelly - 29/11/2016 18:57

Today, I discovered that my 17-year-old daughter received several weird deposits from Paypal. I checked her phone to discover that she had changed the password for the first time in years. Fearing drugs, I confronted her. She broke down and confessed to selling rare digital Pokemon on eBay. FML

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By rob - 23/11/2008 10:59 - France

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

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By avatarnicole9 - 4/6/2015 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

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By lifestinks - 23/8/2009 03:29 - United States

Today, my work finally hired someone to replace some leaky pipes at work. I work in the basement by myself, and just as I walk under the newly fixed pipes, I get soaked with water. Apparently it was connected to a toilet. My boss couldn't find a replacement so they made me work covered in piss. FML

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By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By scaryhairy - 4/11/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

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By notnerb - 19/5/2009 10:13 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

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By ... - 29/12/2011 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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By hot_mess88 - 4/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

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By Nish - 30/10/2013 00:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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By Noname - 26/10/2008 21:20 - United States

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 05:34 - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By Mofisto - 15/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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By perpetuallyscrewed - 6/10/2009 04:06

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 23:02

Bullshit reason

Today, my husband wants a divorce. His reason, so he claims, is that he went to see a card reader a few months ago and she told him our relationship would not last. Apparently, our astrological signs or something are not compatible, so he thinks we shouldn't waste our time. We have been married for 8 years. FML

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By kirbykylestorm - 16/9/2018 20:30

Online Dating = Brutal

Today, I realised just how lonely I am. After using Tinder for about a week, I got my first match. I said hi while I was in class since I was excited, but by the time I'd gotten back home, she'd unmatched me. I've never felt so hurt by a complete stranger before. FML

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By barf - 6/2/2015 23:00 - Ireland

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

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By santabelly - 2/12/2016 04:44

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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By Anonyme - 29/5/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By a man - 13/7/2013 13:20 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. FML

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By Garrett - 10/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

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By Synonymous_Rex - 5/1/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

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By Sam - 26/11/2012 04:39 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

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By DogLover - 6/2/2013 13:59 - United States - Watertown

Today, I learned that my big, tough, strong dog is terrified of spiders when he jumped, knocked over a table and then peed on the spider to drown it. FML

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By liveviathetredmill - 1/10/2012 20:04 - United States - New York

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By Fatlady43 - 19/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

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By anonymous - 23/1/2012 15:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

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By - 2/1/2009 18:06 - France

Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

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Top comments

By laurenlovesjb | 20

#5444478 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:48

Does he have potholders or oven mits? If he does and just doesn't use them, he's stupid. If he doesn't have them, he's still stupid. Who does that?

By olpally | 32

#5444482 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:49

You can't fix stupid. My god... Don't breed with him.

COMMENTS

By laurenlovesjb | 20

#5444478 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:48

Does he have potholders or oven mits? If he does and just doesn't use them, he's stupid. If he doesn't have them, he's still stupid. Who does that?

Reply

Misswildsides | 22

#5444489 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:52

He will learn his lesson (hopefully) when he burns his hands badly.

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5444516 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:59

he just wanted to demonstrate his burning love.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5444528 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:04

More importantly, how are his hands still there if he's done that his entire life?!

Reply

lionheart822 | 13

#5444543 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:12

I'm more curious as to why the OP didn't try to stop him. If I saw someone doing that, I wouldn't just sit there and watch.

Reply

Kazenoe | 24

#5444567 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:28

31 - Based on the information available, I doubt he's been cooking his entire life...

Reply

amDes | 11

#5444595 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:43

obviously he doesn't cook often!

Reply

jerzjay | 17

#5444619 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:57

Hey, my number is 229-518-4432, hit me up when you get tired of that dumbass

Reply

frethelt | 3

#5444639 - Thursday 11 April 2013 20:15

you never know.. maybe he just didnt know you were saposed to use potholders.. everyone grows up differently... my wife gets mad at me for just grabing stuff out of the oven, but im just used to it.. not so much now... she kinda baned me from the kitchen...

Reply

Ameel_fml | 19

#5444641 - Thursday 11 April 2013 20:18

#44: But judging by his "I hate this part" comment, it seems he has done this more than once.

Though I'm surprised he would have made that mistake more than once to begin with. Even if he doesn't know oven-mitts exist, why didn't he think to use SOMETHING to shield his hands? o.O

Reply

UnluckyGenius | 21

#5444681 - Thursday 11 April 2013 20:50

Your hands eventually become immune to the heat!

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5444690 - Thursday 11 April 2013 20:57

33 - I can't speak for OP, but I know I'd be too dumbstruck to say/do anything.

Reply

onorexveritas | 23

#5444799 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:17

25 - you're genius

Reply

MDTeddy | 13

#5445430 - Friday 12 April 2013 10:16

That isn't cooking dinner. I can make pasta. When I am hungry I cook and what I cook I usually don't share since I want to have leftovers unless I have a gf. I would share with her.

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#5445456 - Friday 12 April 2013 11:06

Assuming pizza is just on shelf and not a baking tray its very simple to pull out without anything. Still doesn't make up for the implication of cooking dinner which one does assume is more than this.

Reply

byron17 | 26

#5445818 - Friday 12 April 2013 17:40

cool story bro

By euphoricness | 28

#5444479 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:48

Stupid, but brave!!

Reply

boofgall | 16

#5444522 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:01

I laughed pretty hard reading this. Not a lot of FMLs can do that!

Reply

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5444523 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:01

He's definitely a keeper

Reply

im_joking | 11

#5444562 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:23

He just wants to impress OP :)

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sux4u121 | 10

#5444687 - Thursday 11 April 2013 20:55

Brave isn't the word I would use, perhaps foolish, or acompletefuckingdumbass would suffice.

Reply

9lashes | 15

#5444695 - Thursday 11 April 2013 21:02

-81 yea but you have to admit took some balls to do it too

Reply

sailorzoe | 14

#5444741 - Thursday 11 April 2013 21:32

Man stuff!! Yeah!

Reply

pinstriped31 | 7

#5445212 - Friday 12 April 2013 4:32

In any story you can put "stupid" in the place of brave, just hope for the best!

Reply

djxerxes9000 | 18

#5445532 - Friday 12 April 2013 12:44

It's not brave if there is no fear due to being a complete fucking megatard

Reply

countryrose92 | 23

#5445874 - Friday 12 April 2013 18:21

208, Oh you just made me lol with your word choice. Bravo.

Reply

zomgbies | 17

#5610195 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:03

Stupidity and "having the balls" to do something completely idiotic are one in the same.

By Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5444480 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:49

You mean you aren't suppose to pull out pizza that way? Damn, I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

Reply

frethelt | 3

#5444635 - Thursday 11 April 2013 20:13

me to... lol.. my wife yells at me every time.. but id rather just grab it then try to find out were she put the pot holder...

Reply

Redglare | 8

#5444782 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:00

The fact you seem serious worries me, 64.

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nnnope | 26

#5444832 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:32

64: you'd rather get second-degree burns than ask your wife a simple question...?

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thatpeachyperson | 12

#5444838 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:35

I would just like to take this opportunity to admire #127's ear.

Reply

poopsi | 19

#5444856 - Thursday 11 April 2013 23:02

That is indeed quite the fancy ear you've got there, 127..

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Llamacod | 11

#5444912 - Friday 12 April 2013 0:09

Have you ever met 64's wife? I think if you did you would understand why he doesn't want to ask her.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5444941 - Friday 12 April 2013 0:53

I personally don't use oven mitts, but that's because it messes up the toppings. I use this wonderful thing called a spatula.

Reply

sniken | 14

#5444986 - Friday 12 April 2013 2:09

I'm doing it wrong too then! Just grab the crust and pull it out over on a plate! No screaming or burns involved though, just quicker and more convenient then mitts.

By olpally | 32

#5444482 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:49

You can't fix stupid. My god... Don't breed with him.

Reply

TwiztedYuri | 9

#5444547 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:14

I hope she's not an animal cause I'm pretty sure no matter how stupid humans are they still reproduce unless they're a science experiment.

Reply

zero4life123 | 7

#5444569 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:30

Why hasn't natural selection kick in yet?

Reply

Madrias | 36

#5444593 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:43

@45: Warning labels. Only reason natural selection doesn't work.

Reply

amDes | 11

#5444600 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:45

He hasn't stuck his head in the oven yet. In rime my friend. In time.

Reply

SaintT | 15

#5444696 - Thursday 11 April 2013 21:02

I gave you an upvote because it is clear what you meant and it made me chuckle. That being said, *time.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5444983 - Friday 12 April 2013 2:07

85, that's so obviously a typo that it just goes without saying.

Reply

MattRoseen | 12

#5445247 - Friday 12 April 2013 6:21

It's tried...still in the process.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5445658 - Friday 12 April 2013 14:49

Because we killed natural selection by idiot-proofing EVERYTHING :/

Reply

SneezyC | 15

#5446585 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:12

Obviously not, have you read the FML.....

By Lothem | 4

#5444483 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:50

If he goes through that to cook you dinner, who knows what else he would do for you? Sounds like a keeper.

Reply

ThatOneDrummer | 8

#5444817 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:27

Because putting a frozen pizza in the oven is so hard?

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smiliecat | 13

#5444847 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:48

121- I think Lothem meant the part where OPs boyfriend took the pizza out barehanded, not putting it in.

Reply

Tigerblossom | 19

#5444850 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:53

No. It's because he doesn't use oven mitts and still wants to make her food even though he knows it'll hurt. Sounds like a good guy. He's just not the smartest.

Reply

chesoes | 8

#5444971 - Friday 12 April 2013 1:49

i totally agree

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5447114 - Saturday 13 April 2013 15:30

Yeah, Loyal BUT dumb as a brick

Reply

Rababco | 29

#5859706 - Sunday 16 February 2014 7:01

@132 He's got a big heart, just very little brains. XD

By blankjack | 6

#5444485 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:51

Not the smartest guy ever, but he might have other assets :)

Reply

EmilyKay222 | 4

#5444872 - Thursday 11 April 2013 23:31

Like a large organ

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#5444916 - Friday 12 April 2013 0:11

Obviously not his brain.

Reply

cman1322 | 9

#5445161 - Friday 12 April 2013 4:00

How would large lungs benefit his lover?

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5445197 - Friday 12 April 2013 4:23

I'm pretty sure he meant a big liver. Those are pretty handy, man, just saying.

Reply

kyu_Q | 19

#5445257 - Friday 12 April 2013 6:30

Large lungs mean more stamina.....and was probably developed from all that screaming

By thatfrenchguy | 8

#5444486 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:51

That's the manly way of cooking. I see nothing wrong here

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5444552 - Thursday 11 April 2013 19:18

#20 Women can't cook like men. Get back in the..... ummm.....

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B_CeouL | 12

#5444822 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:28

How about we igNoor that comment #20

Reply

B_CeouL | 12

#5444826 - Thursday 11 April 2013 22:30

How about we igNoor that #20

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#5444917 - Friday 12 April 2013 0:12

How bout we make the same comment twice.

Reply

Harmell | 7

#5444961 - Friday 12 April 2013 1:16

C-c-c-c-combo breaker!

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5445199 - Friday 12 April 2013 4:24

how about you all igShut the fuck up

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5445660 - Friday 12 April 2013 14:52

40- living room? If the man is cooking, stands to reason the woman should be watching sports and drinking beer, right?

By ekb777 | 13

#5444488 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:52

By now he probably doesn't have any fingerprints anymore!

Reply

kemic | 7

#5444762 - Thursday 11 April 2013 21:51

Hey, that's a great plan. Now they'll never catch me after a jewel heist!

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5445202 - Friday 12 April 2013 4:26

I misread that as Jew heist.

By jem970 | 19

#5444490 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:53

... I have to say I am nearly speechless... Teach him what to do in the kitchen OP, and consider not having children with him.

By RealTalk0 | 7

#5444491 - Thursday 11 April 2013 18:53

What a smart man. What an inspiring feat.