Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities... - FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

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Noise

Sister of the year

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 15:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2019 16:00

Today, it's my birthday, I received two cards, one from my mum and one from my son, that my mum gave to him to give to me. My entire family said they couldn't be bothered going out for dinner for my birthday. My two 'friends' didn't even send a card, never mind a gift or want to meet up. FML

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By chronic - 12/3/2017 02:00

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:09 - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By Ouch - 21/1/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By crap - 7/3/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML

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By G - 8/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 11:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By Gottalovepeople - 31/12/2018 01:34

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

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By BadassNinja - 5/9/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2015 09:32 - Canada - Prince George

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

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By CPN - 14/3/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

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By baby names - 23/9/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a lady give birth on the train. She was so happy she asked if she could name the baby after me, but as I told her my name she visibly turned her nose up at it, turned to her husband, and suggested naming it after his grandfather instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 16:00 - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By IBS - 6/5/2014 09:11 - China - Shanghai

Today, after finishing a two hour essay exam that will determine the future of my career, I realized I misread the question. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2013 10:58 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML

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By wrong state for that shit - 22/8/2020 04:48 - United States - Hesperia

Weird accusation, lady

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

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By Jake - 16/9/2013 19:08 - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By princess - 12/4/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

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By Baby_girl - 6/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my best friend whom I have been in love with for years, called me, proposed, and confessed his love for me. He was at a noisy bar so I asked him to call me back later and we'd discuss it. He called back later, hungover, with no recollection of our conversation whatsoever. FML

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By _Emilyy - 12/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By Juliet - 12/4/2013 00:40 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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By Embarassed - 19/3/2014 22:24 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

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By denting-and-venting - 10/8/2016 20:05 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML

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By eenkoekje - 13/5/2011 07:20

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

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By curly_eyelashes - 24/2/2013 14:30 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By Depressed and clueless - 24/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Manhattan

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By hoaloha - 30/7/2012 04:40 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By geekyteendisaster - 25/9/2018 07:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:42 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/6/2019 20:00

Creepy Uncle Dave

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

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By ClutchJunkie - 5/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

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Top comments

By penney123 | 10

#7808296 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:04

At least you’re using protection even if it did take 5 mins

By RichardPencil | 28

#7808308 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:53

Shouldn’t have been suspicious when your brother asked you to have your asshole waxed and bleached, and decked out your bedroom with klieg lights?

COMMENTS

By penney123 | 10

#7808296 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:04

At least you’re using protection even if it did take 5 mins

By MidnaLink | 32

#7808299 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:14

I hope you got ahold of that video. And every possible copy.

By mymegangirl | 7

#7808303 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:26

I'm sorry but ydi. why would you have sex with your brother home? and you didnt know a bunch of 9 year olds were taping you?

Reply

mr_dinzaster | 16

#7808307 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:32

I think they thought they were alone but definitely gonna be a interesting conversation

Reply

Mungolikecandy | 19

#7808499 - Sunday 2 June 2019 19:25

It reads like they were home alone but their brother had planted a recording device.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7808308 - Sunday 2 June 2019 4:53

Shouldn’t have been suspicious when your brother asked you to have your asshole waxed and bleached, and decked out your bedroom with klieg lights?

By onlyme25 | 26

#7808346 - Sunday 2 June 2019 8:39

Did y'all fail sex Ed 101? Because they do teach how to use a condom. Both of y'all should have practiced on the banana a little more

Reply

Callyn | 47

#7808387 - Sunday 2 June 2019 11:05

Maybe they had abstinence only 'sex ed'?

Reply

hellphone_fml | 37

#7808443 - Sunday 2 June 2019 15:30

We never did that in school. They didn't even ever show us a condom they just told us what they were.

By bigdaddyeric | 30

#7808347 - Sunday 2 June 2019 8:44

Hopefully the sex itself lasted longer than 5 minutes!

By Aspirax | 13

#7808413 - Sunday 2 June 2019 13:32

How do you not notice?

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7808417 - Sunday 2 June 2019 14:10

first, I would be digging them some graves right now, but, how did they tape you without you noticing?

By bobsanction | 16

#7808428 - Sunday 2 June 2019 14:22

Threaten to turn him in for making child porn if he ever shows it to anyone.

By Abbusser | 9

#7808472 - Sunday 2 June 2019 17:59

She only realized he was recording it when she heard him say "cut" after the money shot...