Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay... - FML

By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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Age ain't nothing but a number

The student becomes the master

You snooze, you lose

By need2eat - 15/6/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By nba - 30/5/2019 16:00

Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

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By xattackattackx - 18/11/2011 09:01 - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By Plume - 23/12/2008 07:43 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My ex just sent me a text. I read it, happy he had remembered. He wanted me to know he has a new girlfriend. FML

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By NewDrugs - 22/2/2013 01:21 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went back home after seeing the doctor, I told my boyfriend my new medicine might cause some mood swings. He immediately grabbed his phone and pretended to take a call, then rushed out. FML

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By missprude666 - 19/1/2012 08:32 - Australia

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

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By skitzobiatch69 - 13/9/2011 17:07 - Australia

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

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By wow - 12/12/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

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By Fire0fisis - 23/5/2012 09:38 - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By Malakai - 2/2/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

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By collegekid - 17/5/2020 14:00

Marriage story

Today, after 25 years of marriage, my parents decided to get a very nasty and extremely expensive divorce. Using my college tuition to pay for it. FML

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By supervisor - 6/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By Lizziebelle - 1/12/2016 08:07 - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 17:44 - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

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By ugh - 26/12/2012 14:05 - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

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By types - 2/3/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he is going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

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By anonymous - 21/4/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2014 02:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

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By Pierced - 30/5/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

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By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

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By moosemay - 14/1/2016 15:05 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

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By sunflower226 - 5/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I had to pay a $150 late fee because my landlord didn't receive the rent check. My boyfriend had addressed the envelope to himself and put the landlord's as the return address. FML

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By BURGERT0WN USA - 10/1/2016 19:46 - United States - Redmond

Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML

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By nalathelionqueen - 10/8/2012 22:44 - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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By eyerollplease - 30/4/2017 22:00

Today, after recently celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say "I Do". I am now married to my step-brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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By Pattie - 12/6/2015 06:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

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By unwanted daughter - 2/7/2014 15:54 - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

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By fatty - 3/8/2010 22:37 - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

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By Posty - 18/5/2009 18:38 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

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By fmlsomuch - 25/2/2012 20:51 - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By XxtentaculonxX - 8/12/2012 22:52 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML

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By left, I guess - 12/4/2015 17:00 - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By ughh - 22/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

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By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/7/2013 19:55 - United States - Porter

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 05:00

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By Iris - 12/10/2016 13:53 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today I bought a 50$ voucher card to refill my phone. After I purchased it, I threw the receipt in the dustbin. When I got home, I found out that the 14-digit pin code was on the receipt. I basically threw 57 bucks in the dustbin. FML

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Top comments

By clockworkrainbow | 3

#614340 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:27

Forget about your birthday? Oh well, I'd still enjoy the party.

By Trippyfalla | 0

#614331 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

haha hey op it can still go the way you wanted it to ;)

Comments

By Unregistered | 0

#614325 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:23

OMG FIRST

Reply

Oxy_Moron | 0

#614330 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

way to make the best of it lol

Reply

fringle | 0

#614389 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:40

whoa.. a while ago the first comment was "OMG FIRST!" now its "hahahahaha"

Reply

Zhejan | 0

#614439 - Sunday 11 October 2009 2:03

I know someone who can suck their own penis

Reply

cackle | 0

#614647 - Sunday 11 October 2009 4:24

not really an fml, a "good memories" kinda thing lol.

Reply

renaet | 0

#614687 - Sunday 11 October 2009 4:50

Wow why wouldn't you just bring the outfit with you? o_o

Reply

godsrightnutsack | 0

#614839 - Sunday 11 October 2009 7:02

well that is awkward.

By supercu96 | 0

#614329 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

ahahah isnt that a good thing?

second btw

By Trippyfalla | 0

#614331 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

haha hey op it can still go the way you wanted it to ;)

By giganticbrain | 0

#614334 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

You're a fucking idiot.

By fringle | 0

#614337 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:26

LOL that's the first fml I've seen without an FML at the end.

Reply

guilty4associate | 0

#614341 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:27

you're right.
what the fuck?

Reply

supercu96 | 0

#614358 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:30

#6 maybe it got a little intense at night.................................

Reply

null_fml | 11

#614377 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:36

Wow, I didn't even notice that. But I'm sure the moderators will fix it. (And then people will come along and reply to you calling you a dumbass and saying "of course it ends in FML!")

Reply

youreanidiot | 0

#614379 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:37

fail on the part of the people moderating the FMLs... you're supposed to deny these.

Reply

fringle | 0

#614399 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:44

you're welcome. wow ive never met an fml staff hehhe :)

Reply

IamSpartacus | 0

#616095 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:29

of course it ends in FML!

Reply

rhettandlink | 4

#6272834 - Saturday 25 April 2015 16:00

It does

By clockworkrainbow | 3

#614340 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:27

Forget about your birthday? Oh well, I'd still enjoy the party.

By j424 | 0

#614370 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:33

ydi.

Reply

falconpunch125 | 0

#615591 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:17

Why did she deserve it dick head?

Reply

j424 | 0

#615738 - Sunday 11 October 2009 20:16

for wearing an unoriginal costume.

Reply

Pandasaur | 0

#616205 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:28

If most guys saw their girlfriends in something sexy, originality totally wouldn't matter... especially when it's going to be taken off, anyway. :]

By dun_dun_dun | 0

#614376 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:36

OP is only 14 and drives?

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#614385 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:39

Where the hell did you see 14?

But I as much as this is an FML, I woulda had to beg my ex when I was with her to get kinky like that. OP has a lucky bf.

________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

Reply

dun_dun_dun | 0

#614393 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:43

I looked at her profile.

Reply

null_fml | 11

#614467 - Sunday 11 October 2009 2:18

Good on ya for checking, but her profile says "I also share this account with my older sister."
Or maybe she just added that as soon as you wrote your comment. Who knows?

Reply

null_fml | 11

#614527 - Sunday 11 October 2009 3:00

Relax, dude. Nobody straight-up accused you of anything. And you can't blame us for being suspicious of it when there are so many fake FMLs out there.

But personally if an OP replies I'm a lot more likely to believe it.

By MiddleChild08 | 0

#614382 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:38

Well, it's October. Tell them you found out about it and thought it was a costume party...

By fringle | 0

#614391 - Sunday 11 October 2009 1:42

oh they changed it now.
EDIT um this meant to be a reply to #6

Reply

null_fml | 11

#614766 - Sunday 11 October 2009 6:11

Yeah, but you're replying to #17... your post that told her it was changed was #18... :P

EDIT: Hey, where did Didi's post go? This site is getting more and more inconsistent with the comments...