Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that... - FML

By GD - 21/2/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

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Understandable

Work name

Instadrama

By taylor w - 31/10/2014 02:32 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating for 5 months is engaged to his girlfriend of 3 years. I found out as we were talking, waiting for him to come outside after work. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 08:57 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

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By Ishii - 7/2/2010 18:58 - Canada

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2011 22:37 - United States

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

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By mazey93 - 9/12/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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By brileyyyy - 12/1/2010 03:40 - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

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By JulietMarie - 10/10/2014 19:12 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 14:16 - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

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By Uriah - 3/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML

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By Creeped Out - 29/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 17:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By Ace - 21/5/2014 21:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

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By Pool-less - 4/9/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By Emily J. - 18/6/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

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By NeverGonnaGetIt - 27/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Wayne

Today, I went on my 56th job interview since graduating from college 3 months ago. I am 31 years old and I spent 11 years in college. I only graduated with a Bachelor's Degree after all those years, but I am still not qualified for anything due to how long it took me to complete my degree. FML

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By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Three kids?

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

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By - 25/1/2009 12:36 - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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By Fmylife.25 - 3/9/2010 19:56 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

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By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

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By ChrisD2V - 1/12/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By everfresh - 26/1/2011 10:38 - Finland

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2014 21:16 - United States - Homer Glen

Today, my brother asked me how to block someone on Facebook. Seeing as how my brother never asks me for anything, I took this opportunity to help him. He then blocked me. FML

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By JazzSpazz - 11/8/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By GonnaBeLonley2night - 13/9/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

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By owwie - 13/2/2010 20:11 - United States

Today, it snowed in South Carolina for the first time in 10 years. It snowed eight whole inches! I was so excited, I yelled for my kids and ran outside to build a snowman. I ran out to the steps and slipped on ice. I woke up in the hospital with a bad concussion. The snow had all melted. FML

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By Miki - 16/12/2012 23:57 - United States - Kenner

Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally moving on. I was on a date with my new boyfriend when my ex walked past us. He broke down crying, got on his knees, and begged me to come back. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - 19/3/2009 23:31 - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By tor - 10/7/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By callerid - 3/8/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By englishfail - 15/1/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 19:59 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

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By purpleivy - 6/9/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 05:59 - United States - Jeromesville

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

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Top comments

By CanadAssassiN | 0

#5025 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:00

Oh my gosh, that's horrible. That's makes me want to cry... I hope you feel better... i~i

By bobdole | 0

#5027 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:02

guys can be dicks, but we are always thinking ahead. hahaha

COMMENTS

By CanadAssassiN | 0

#5025 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:00

Oh my gosh, that's horrible. That's makes me want to cry... I hope you feel better... i~i

Reply

ManlyDunsparce | 3

#3921391 - Sunday 22 January 2012 2:27

An assassin that cries? You must be a shitty assassin.
-stabs politician to death while crying- I'm so sorry! The pay is so good I couldn't refuse!

Reply

Zangetsu67 | 5

#4675274 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:20

(V) (;,,;) (V)

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5594657 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 21:46

what the hell are you making a zoidberg emoticon for?

Reply

Wingman527 | 22

#6049970 - Thursday 28 August 2014 0:17

Zoidberg is awesome!!

By bobdole | 0

#5027 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

YDIGuy | 0

#987995 - Monday 3 May 2010 17:35

#3 were also always thinking of head ;)

Reply

Bear_Flu | 0

#1038148 - Monday 21 June 2010 17:51

^^^ lol

Reply

ky765 | 0

#2499618 - Friday 13 May 2011 0:13

amazing

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#5029 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

tesuan | 0

#2049511 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:12

no he's not he's effin hilarious

Reply

keeks46 | 12

#3695552 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 4:28

4- I agree. He's a bastard.

By thefauxjew | 0

#5034 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:05

wow...that dude is a dick.

By sensual_kidney | 0

#5043 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:21

wow... I feel horrible about laughing at the irony of that situation... You're ex sounds like a dick, good thing you broke up with him anyway. Call me :)

By potentpotable | 0

#5055 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:42

For once in my life...I find it hard to differentiate between YLIF and YDI...!

I'm cruel.

By JessxMaxine | 0

#5061 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:49

He was a prick.

By supwithitk | 0

#5063 - Sunday 22 February 2009 1:58

That's so horrible, funny, but horrible. ):

By Tri_fml | 5

#5069 - Sunday 22 February 2009 2:11

Always sad to hear about a break up. Seriously unlucky on the money front, though I must admit it did make me laugh :)

By greenman_fml | 0

#5070 - Sunday 22 February 2009 2:12

God hates you